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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family dinner - who should compromise?

302 replies

User171953 · 16/02/2023 14:04

Parents/in laws are celebrating their 40th anniversary and one of them has organised a surprise trip to our home city (where BIL and SIL also live). Two options for when the surprise dinner can be - Sunday or Monday.

Couple A want it to be on Sunday. They have a toddler who wakes up a lot at night so they don’t want to stay out too late. One of the couple (the in law to the parents celebrating) (self employed) has arranged work which finishes at 6.45 on Monday which would mean they couldn’t get to a dinner earlier than 7.15.

Couple B want it to be on Monday. One of the couple (the child of the parents celebrating) has a big job interview involving travel which means they need to leave home very early on the Monday morning. If it was on the Sunday they wouldn’t be able to drink and don’t think they would enjoy the evening as will be stressing about interview prep.

Both couples think the other should
compromise. Couple A have also suggested doing 2 separate dinners instead.

YABU = Couple A should compromise
YANBU = Couple B should compromise

OP posts:
Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 14:33

Ok fine! I am couple B!

They are my in laws, DH’s parents and DH has the interview. I think BIL and SIL are being really unfair here and I feel sorry for DH. He is going to agree to Sunday even though it’s rubbish for him because he knows it’s the nicest thing for his parents. I feel sad on his behalf but not sure if I’m overly biased. it’s not how I would handle things in my family but they aren’t my parents.

OP posts:
WhineWhineWINE · 16/02/2023 14:33

Maybe the couple celebrating should choose what they want and everyone else should accept it like grown ups.

CatOnTheChair · 16/02/2023 14:34

B has to get up early on Monday morning for international travel. Will they even be back?

I think both couples are being pathetic. A slightly more so. Get he inlaws to book it for their prefered time and place. A &B can just show up.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 16/02/2023 14:34

Couple A are being ridiculous

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 16/02/2023 14:34

User171953 · 16/02/2023 14:08

Parents/in laws want it to be an evening meal with just adults. There are other plans involving kids.

Couple A have one toddler. Couple B have a toddler the same age and an older child.

In that case yabu
Couple A are wrong

Parents want an evening meal for adults , the best route for that is Monday evening as Person in couple B has interview early in Monday

Doesn't matter that meal will have to be 7.15pm or later as toddlers/DCs aren't coming anyway. Sunday and Monday are both work nights for the next day anyway
2 separate meals is daft

Johnnysgirl · 16/02/2023 14:36

Job interview should be accommodated. Tbh, in your in-law's shoes I probably wouldn't bother! What an ungracious lot you are.

bobbytorq · 16/02/2023 14:36

Couple A are BU and sound petty. Lets hope they don't have any more children as they will likely implode.

Confusedteacher · 16/02/2023 14:37

Couple A need to stop letting their toddler rule their life! And suck up one night of being a bit more tired.

Dishwashersaurous · 16/02/2023 14:38

I'm overly invested in this.
Where are you going to eat at 6pm.on a Sunday night for a celebration dinner?

Chatterboxy · 16/02/2023 14:38

Blimey, couple A should make the compromise, they sound very precious 🙄 about it all, the child is being babysat, they should just go & enjoy the dinner!!

HelpNeeded7 · 16/02/2023 14:39

I think I wouldn't bother, sounds too complicated.

Nynynyny2018 · 16/02/2023 14:39

Couple A should compromise or separate dinners.All sounds a bit tense and unnecessary tbh.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/02/2023 14:41

Assuming his folks are at a matinee performance on the Sunday, will rhey even be ready to go out again at 6pm?

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 16/02/2023 14:43

Couple A want to have dinner early, at say 6 or 6.30, because they don’t want to get back too late given their toddler wakes up a lot. But they can’t do this on the Monday because one of them has arranged work that ends at 6.45 on that day.

Couple A are being very unreasonable. It's their parents 40th anniversary. They are travelling 5 hours to see their family and go out for dinner celebration with all of them (so separate meals is ridiculous) and they won't compromise for the sake of what may be 30- 45 minutes??!!!

Person who finishes work at 6.45pm goes straight up the meal from work. They could even miss starters or the coffee round at end of meal if need be. But it isn't much to ask for their parents big anniversary to get everyone together! Couple A sound awful

DaveyJonesLocker · 16/02/2023 14:44

How drunk is your husband wanting to get that means he wouldn't be able to have an interview the next day?

I think both couples are being ridiculously awkward though. "I dont want my parents babysitting my sleeping child too long" "I don't want to go out the day before an interview because I won't be able to get drunk"

Both are reasons I'd roll my eyes at.

Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 14:44

Dishwashersaurous · 16/02/2023 14:38

I'm overly invested in this.
Where are you going to eat at 6pm.on a Sunday night for a celebration dinner?

No idea! I think BIL and SIL have a venue in mind.

OP posts:
CatJumperTwat · 16/02/2023 14:44

The way you've described it, Couple A come across very precious and selfish. But their solution is the best - have two dinners. You don't seem to get on well and there will be tension, which isn't nice for your in laws.

Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 14:44

DaveyJonesLocker · 16/02/2023 14:44

How drunk is your husband wanting to get that means he wouldn't be able to have an interview the next day?

I think both couples are being ridiculously awkward though. "I dont want my parents babysitting my sleeping child too long" "I don't want to go out the day before an interview because I won't be able to get drunk"

Both are reasons I'd roll my eyes at.

He doesn’t want to get drunk, but he does want to be able to relax and not feel stressed about the interview. I can totally understand that.

OP posts:
WhereIsMumHiding3 · 16/02/2023 14:45

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 16/02/2023 14:43

Couple A want to have dinner early, at say 6 or 6.30, because they don’t want to get back too late given their toddler wakes up a lot. But they can’t do this on the Monday because one of them has arranged work that ends at 6.45 on that day.

Couple A are being very unreasonable. It's their parents 40th anniversary. They are travelling 5 hours to see their family and go out for dinner celebration with all of them (so separate meals is ridiculous) and they won't compromise for the sake of what may be 30- 45 minutes??!!!

Person who finishes work at 6.45pm goes straight up the meal from work. They could even miss starters or the coffee round at end of meal if need be. But it isn't much to ask for their parents big anniversary to get everyone together! Couple A sound awful

Whoops I missed off the they can get up meal by 7.15pm part of wuote. So meal starts 45 mins later than they would ideally like. It isn't a deal breaker to ruin their parents 40th wedding anniversary family together meal out for.

pictoosh · 16/02/2023 14:45

Confusedteacher · 16/02/2023 14:37

Couple A need to stop letting their toddler rule their life! And suck up one night of being a bit more tired.

This.
I was going to say couple A need to pull their collective head out of their collective backside. The interview clearly takes precedence over ongoing toddler sleep problems fgs, particularly when couple A won't even be out late. It's a piece of nonsense.

Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 14:46

CatJumperTwat · 16/02/2023 14:44

The way you've described it, Couple A come across very precious and selfish. But their solution is the best - have two dinners. You don't seem to get on well and there will be tension, which isn't nice for your in laws.

I’ve tried to put it as neutrally as possible and using the exact words that Couple A did in their messages about it.

Ordinarily I’d say 2 dinners is the best solution but it is their big anniversary and I know it would mean a lot to them to have everyone together. It doesn’t happen often due to distance.

OP posts:
ancientgran · 16/02/2023 14:46

Do it the following week. If its their 40th anniversary they are grown ups and it doesn't have to be on the actual day and presumably if its the Sunday or Monday one of them won't be the actual day anyway.

EwwSprouts · 16/02/2023 14:46

One dinner at 7.15pm Monday. Couple A should compromise as can leave at say 10pm which is not a late night!

Thelondonone · 16/02/2023 14:46

You are couple a, stop trying to justify your frankly ridiculous behaviour. Kids don’t sleep, you can suck it up for one night! Either change your work or go out at 7.30. No one else wants to eat at 6 with you on either day. Who is paying? Hopefully not parents who be fleeced if they have to go out twice….

Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 14:47

ancientgran · 16/02/2023 14:46

Do it the following week. If its their 40th anniversary they are grown ups and it doesn't have to be on the actual day and presumably if its the Sunday or Monday one of them won't be the actual day anyway.

It can’t be a different week, PILs live very far away and have booked hotels etc and a range of other activities. It’s a special holiday for them.

OP posts: