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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family dinner - who should compromise?

302 replies

User171953 · 16/02/2023 14:04

Parents/in laws are celebrating their 40th anniversary and one of them has organised a surprise trip to our home city (where BIL and SIL also live). Two options for when the surprise dinner can be - Sunday or Monday.

Couple A want it to be on Sunday. They have a toddler who wakes up a lot at night so they don’t want to stay out too late. One of the couple (the in law to the parents celebrating) (self employed) has arranged work which finishes at 6.45 on Monday which would mean they couldn’t get to a dinner earlier than 7.15.

Couple B want it to be on Monday. One of the couple (the child of the parents celebrating) has a big job interview involving travel which means they need to leave home very early on the Monday morning. If it was on the Sunday they wouldn’t be able to drink and don’t think they would enjoy the evening as will be stressing about interview prep.

Both couples think the other should
compromise. Couple A have also suggested doing 2 separate dinners instead.

YABU = Couple A should compromise
YANBU = Couple B should compromise

OP posts:
endoftheworldniteclub · 16/02/2023 20:08

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/02/2023 19:58

@Cocobutt

”But why does something that’s happening the next day have any impact on what’s happening the day before?”

are you joking?!

@LuckySantangelo35 it would be funny, if it wasn’t sad.

MysteryBelle · 16/02/2023 20:33

User171953 · 16/02/2023 15:59

Well exactly.

BIL and SIL have basically said they are doing Sunday and if we don’t like it, it will be 2 separate meals. I don’t really know the detail of their objections to Monday because they haven’t engaged on it as an option at all.

Personally I’d have thought that 45 mins here or there can’t make much of a difference to their toddler (who is over 2, not a baby), but if it does make a big difference and it’s necessary to start early then either SIL could rearrange her work or just arrive a little late. We haven’t been able to have those conversations though because they’ve just said no.

Show quote history

They held that over your head, separate dinners, because they know that you are considerate in knowing that parents would rather see all together. Nonetheless, I’d have said we can only do Monday, and if they decide separate, that’s on them. There is no good reason in the world they can’t do Monday. They like to be in control and manipulate family situations. If you and dh continue to capitulate, you’ll have trouble from them for decades.

Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 20:39

MysteryBelle · 16/02/2023 20:33

They held that over your head, separate dinners, because they know that you are considerate in knowing that parents would rather see all together. Nonetheless, I’d have said we can only do Monday, and if they decide separate, that’s on them. There is no good reason in the world they can’t do Monday. They like to be in control and manipulate family situations. If you and dh continue to capitulate, you’ll have trouble from them for decades.

Show quote history

They would probably see it though that we were the ones who insisted on separate dinners, because we wouldn’t agree to Sunday (just seeing it from their side).

They have been really clear that they are not doing Monday so I’m not sure what it would achieve to cause a family argument over it. It would be awful if it ruined PILs celebration.

I just started the thread really to get a sense of who was BU here, and even though it doesn’t change anything I’ve found it strangely comforting to know that most people agree with me on this!

OP posts:
Cocobutt · 16/02/2023 20:55

You can really tell who is career focused and who has had high level interviews versus who hasn’t on this thread!

@LuckySantangelo35

What a cuntish comment.

You are on a forum called mumsnet and you know that many women choose to work PT or be SAHM.
That doesn’t mean their opinions aren’t as important as you just because you are in a higher paid job that them.
You might have a high flying career but you know fuck all about reading a room.

If you need at least 4 days of doing nothing but interview prep and you can’t go out for a meal or exercise or anything because else you’ll fail the interview, then it probably means that you’re not the right person for the job.

endoftheworldniteclub · 16/02/2023 21:01

Cocobutt · 16/02/2023 20:55

You can really tell who is career focused and who has had high level interviews versus who hasn’t on this thread!

@LuckySantangelo35

What a cuntish comment.

You are on a forum called mumsnet and you know that many women choose to work PT or be SAHM.
That doesn’t mean their opinions aren’t as important as you just because you are in a higher paid job that them.
You might have a high flying career but you know fuck all about reading a room.

If you need at least 4 days of doing nothing but interview prep and you can’t go out for a meal or exercise or anything because else you’ll fail the interview, then it probably means that you’re not the right person for the job.

@Cocobutt tbf you need also to read the room. Op has told us it’s an important interview, and he needs to focus. And can’t relax until it’s over. It’s got nothing to do with people on mn being sahm or working part time. And no, not even 4 days of interview prep is enough for some jobs. Believe it or not.

valentinaxo · 16/02/2023 21:10

'If you need at least 4 days of doing nothing but interview prep and you can’t go out for a meal or exercise or anything because else you’ll fail the interview, then it probably means that you’re not the right person for the job'

@Cocobutt bit of a 'cuntish' bullshit remark from yourself here...

Cocobutt · 16/02/2023 21:11

@endoftheworldniteclub

Why do I need to read the room?
OP has asked for opinions.
I gave my opinion.
OP doesn’t need to listen to me or anyone else.

OP has said that they’re probably going to do it on Sunday anyway.

Slagging over half of the women off on here just because you don’t like some of the opinions is not on.

Cocobutt · 16/02/2023 21:14

@valentinaxo

Absolutely. It was meant to be.

Some men think that women will never understand what it’s like to have a big, important career.

I am well educated and have an important job but I wouldn’t dream of tearing down women who ‘aren’t career focused’ because they’ve chosen to be SAHM or work PT.

PinkiOcelot · 16/02/2023 21:15

Couple A should compromise. Surely the toddler would wake any night so what difference does it make?

Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 21:29

Cocobutt · 16/02/2023 20:55

You can really tell who is career focused and who has had high level interviews versus who hasn’t on this thread!

@LuckySantangelo35

What a cuntish comment.

You are on a forum called mumsnet and you know that many women choose to work PT or be SAHM.
That doesn’t mean their opinions aren’t as important as you just because you are in a higher paid job that them.
You might have a high flying career but you know fuck all about reading a room.

If you need at least 4 days of doing nothing but interview prep and you can’t go out for a meal or exercise or anything because else you’ll fail the interview, then it probably means that you’re not the right person for the job.

Where does the 4 days come from? It’s not this weekend - it’s in a few weeks. And no matter how much time DH has to prep he will still be feeling anxious about it the night before and want to focus on it. Can you not imagine that?

But why are you focusing so much on DH? Do you think that BIL and SIL’s reasons for their choice are more compelling, and if so, why?

OP posts:
Cocobutt · 16/02/2023 21:56

Where does the 4 days come from? It’s not this weekend - it’s in a few weeks. And no matter how much time DH has to prep he will still be feeling anxious about it the night before and want to focus on it. Can you not imagine that?

But why are you focusing so much on DH? Do you think that BIL and SIL’s reasons for their choice are more compelling, and if so, why?

If it’s in a few weeks then DH will have more than enough time to prepare for his interview and spending an hour or 2 having dinner with his parents isn’t going to hurt his chances in any way.

If he’s too anxious to see his parents then he’ll have to cancel or do it separately on the Monday.

I do not think BIL and SILs reason for their toddler sleeping is a good enough excuse either.

It all seems very tit for tat and point scoring.

I would arrange it for Sunday simply because everyone is free on that day, whereas as the next day people are busy.

But I would ultimately leave it up to PIL and what day is best for them.

honeybeetheoneandonly · 16/02/2023 22:01

I think two separate dinners is the perfect solution. Parents get to celebrate their anniversary over two nights. You get the day/night you feel happiest with and all three families get 1 on 1 time with family they rarely get to see. The celebratory meal will just be two celebratory meals and a good catch up individually.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/02/2023 22:17

endoftheworldniteclub · 16/02/2023 21:01

@Cocobutt tbf you need also to read the room. Op has told us it’s an important interview, and he needs to focus. And can’t relax until it’s over. It’s got nothing to do with people on mn being sahm or working part time. And no, not even 4 days of interview prep is enough for some jobs. Believe it or not.

Show quote history

@Cocobutt

this! 👆

musicforthesoul · 16/02/2023 22:18

Honestly I'd go for the two separate dinners if this is a job DH really wants. If he doesn't get it he'll be left with the what if feeling for ages. I'm the same as him, I like to prepare for the interview the night before and research the company/role. Wouldn't want to be out anywhere, alcohol or not.

Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 22:20

Cocobutt · 16/02/2023 21:56

Where does the 4 days come from? It’s not this weekend - it’s in a few weeks. And no matter how much time DH has to prep he will still be feeling anxious about it the night before and want to focus on it. Can you not imagine that?

But why are you focusing so much on DH? Do you think that BIL and SIL’s reasons for their choice are more compelling, and if so, why?

If it’s in a few weeks then DH will have more than enough time to prepare for his interview and spending an hour or 2 having dinner with his parents isn’t going to hurt his chances in any way.

If he’s too anxious to see his parents then he’ll have to cancel or do it separately on the Monday.

I do not think BIL and SILs reason for their toddler sleeping is a good enough excuse either.

It all seems very tit for tat and point scoring.

I would arrange it for Sunday simply because everyone is free on that day, whereas as the next day people are busy.

But I would ultimately leave it up to PIL and what day is best for them.

Why do you think everyone is free on the Sunday? I haven’t said that anywhere.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/02/2023 22:21

Couple A should compromise. Their “thing” is just having to rush a bit to get back from work - not a big deal, and 7.15 isn’t late.

Couple B’s thing is an important job interview. The person who has the interview won’t be able to relax at all - they will be thinking about the interview the whole time. It would be incredibly thoughtless to put in a family dinner the night before the interview.

I can see why two separate dinners might or might not work, depending on the parents and their preferences.

TheTeenageYears · 16/02/2023 23:16

You might want to find out where BIL & SIL 'have in mind' for said 6pm Sunday dinner. DH had a 'big' birthday on a Sunday and I was surprised to find that quite a lot of restaurants were closed on a Sunday evening or had a totally different menu - most of which being roast dinners.

Inertia · 16/02/2023 23:35

Your DH needs to say that he doesn’t want to spoil the special dinner by being anxious about the job interview/ having to leave early, so you’re happy to do separate nights.

It’s not going to be a happy get together if everybody ‘s sat there with a face like a slapped arse because they didn’t get their way.

endoftheworldniteclub · 17/02/2023 10:12

Cocobutt · 16/02/2023 21:11

@endoftheworldniteclub

Why do I need to read the room?
OP has asked for opinions.
I gave my opinion.
OP doesn’t need to listen to me or anyone else.

OP has said that they’re probably going to do it on Sunday anyway.

Slagging over half of the women off on here just because you don’t like some of the opinions is not on.

I’m not slagging off anyone. You’re the only one here slagging people off.

Ursuladevinia82 · 17/02/2023 11:07

Let’s be honest… this “family dinner” is going to be a tense and joyless affair whoever has to compromise 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
User171953 · 17/02/2023 11:25

Ursuladevinia82 · 17/02/2023 11:07

Let’s be honest… this “family dinner” is going to be a tense and joyless affair whoever has to compromise 🤷‍♀️

I don’t think it will be. In the unlikely event that BIL and SIL change their mind and agree to Monday I don’t think they would behave badly/be rude or joyless at PIL’s dinner, and DH and I definitely wouldn’t if we do agree to Sunday.

DH will deffo be feeling stressed about the next day but he’s not going to sulk like a child over it.

OP posts:
Ursuladevinia82 · 17/02/2023 11:31

User171953 · 17/02/2023 11:25

I don’t think it will be. In the unlikely event that BIL and SIL change their mind and agree to Monday I don’t think they would behave badly/be rude or joyless at PIL’s dinner, and DH and I definitely wouldn’t if we do agree to Sunday.

DH will deffo be feeling stressed about the next day but he’s not going to sulk like a child over it.

Show quote history

It’s not a “family dinner” that would appeal to me. In my family, we’d be falling over each other to put the toddler first, put the prospective job applicant first etc etc. Meanwhile the parents celebrating their wedding anniversary would be pleading with everyone not to go out of their way for them and instead would wait for a date that suited everyone

Ursuladevinia82 · 17/02/2023 11:34

. I think BIL and SIL are being really unfair here and I feel sorry for DH. He is going to agree to Sunday even though it’s rubbish for him because he knows it’s the nicest thing for his parents. I feel sad on his behalf but not sure if I’m overly biased. it’s not how I would handle things in my family but they aren’t my parents.

”really unfair”
”it’s rubbish for him”
”I feel sad”

A family dinner celebrating a 40th wedding anniversary.

i hope not goes well

Ursuladevinia82 · 17/02/2023 11:34

I hope it goes well

Original poster
User171953 · 17/02/2023 11:45

Ursuladevinia82 · 17/02/2023 11:31

It’s not a “family dinner” that would appeal to me. In my family, we’d be falling over each other to put the toddler first, put the prospective job applicant first etc etc. Meanwhile the parents celebrating their wedding anniversary would be pleading with everyone not to go out of their way for them and instead would wait for a date that suited everyone

Show quote history

Yes that’s exactly how it would be in my family too. That’s why I think it’s rubbish and sad that BIL and SIL are behaving like this! It’s completely inexplicable to me. We got a message from them that basically said “we’re doing Sunday, if you don’t want to come then it will have to be separate plans”. Whereas I would have said look we’ve got two options, how can we make this work so that PILs have a nice time?

It’s a real shame that neither of the dates PIL have chosen work for both of us. But they’re coming on the weekend of their actual anniversary so I can also see why it made sense for them to just book it and hope that at least one of them would work out.

OP posts: