Family dinner - who should compromise?

[User171953]

Parents/in laws are celebrating their 40th anniversary and one of them has organised a surprise trip to our home city (where BIL and SIL also live). Two options for when the surprise dinner can be - Sunday or Monday.

Couple A want it to be on Sunday. They have a toddler who wakes up a lot at night so they don’t want to stay out too late. One of the couple (the in law to the parents celebrating) (self employed) has arranged work which finishes at 6.45 on Monday which would mean they couldn’t get to a dinner earlier than 7.15.

Couple B want it to be on Monday. One of the couple (the child of the parents celebrating) has a big job interview involving travel which means they need to leave home very early on the Monday morning. If it was on the Sunday they wouldn’t be able to drink and don’t think they would enjoy the evening as will be stressing about interview prep.

Both couples think the other should
compromise. Couple A have also suggested doing 2 separate dinners instead.

YABU = Couple A should compromise
YANBU = Couple B should compromise

Sure, because that's how nerves work...

The OP and her DH know how her DH acts under stress, and he's apparently one of the many, many people who get nervous as hell before something important to them happens, and can't relax until it's over.

As this is a big interview, screwing it up could make a big difference to the quality of life for the OP's DH and her. Not hard to understand how this is an exceptional one-off that should be taken into consideration with some compassion and sympathy.

If you've ever had a big interview or sat an exam, you must be able to relate to being on edge the day before, surely.

In which case, I have nothing more to offer other than my endorsement of the previous comment of "joyless twats."

I'd also mentally file away how unreasonable BIL and SIL are being, and I'd take it into consideration next time they asked me for a favour. ButIdontcarrygrudgesohno.

have you actually told BIL and SIL about big interview as if not their toddler sleep patterns seem to be against a vague wish, not a good reason

It's not the drinking

It's the planning and prepping of an interview and not having a late night /drive when up early for interview the next day

I read your previous reply and thought sounded like couple A

Do you think it’s reasonable for BIL and SIL to dictate the start time and day on the basis that their child might or might wake up? Particularly when their child might or might not wake up in exactly the same circumstances on their preferred day?

Absolutely not.

I just think it’s mad that everyone is free on Sunday and everyone is busy on Monday - so surely it would be easier for everyone to do it on Sunday.

When are PIL going home?

Fancy making all this fuss about arriving to dinner 45 minutes later m. Jeez, SIL should have a word with herself. 7:15 is still bloody early by dinner standards!

@Cocobutt Jesus Christ, get your arse out of your head and get over yourself. It's not about getting pissed, and not every job interview is just a few questions about your CV. High level, senior professional job interviews are more rigorous than any exams you've ever had in your life. They're VERY stressful. You clearly have never been to such an interview so can't even begin to imagine what's involved, but there's no way I'd be going out to dinner with anyone or even have a single drink the night before an interview whatever the occasion. It probably wouldn't actually be an early night, but it'd be spent reading and preparing.

Besides that, if there was a family meal in my honour and one of my children had an important event the next morning, I would definitely cancel or postpone till afterwards. If the whole family is going to be there, I'd want all my children there, not have a separate meal with the outcasts. And if they're there, I would want them to be genuinely relaxed and having a good time, not worrying about when they're going to get home, not feeling sick about their interview the next morning, and not constantly feeling like they're only there out of duty. Maybe I'm guilty of always putting my children before myself and my own interest, but I don't care and I haven't regretted it one bit yet.

If you think that it's only because the OP's husband wants to get pissed, you're just projecting your own values and behaviours on others. Some of us have higher standards.

Jesus Christ, get your arse out of your head and get over yourself. It's not about getting pissed, and not every job interview is just a few questions about your CV. High level, senior professional job interviews are more rigorous than any exams you've ever had in your life. They're VERY stressful. You clearly have never been to such an interview so can't even begin to imagine what's involved, but there's no way I'd be going out to dinner with anyone or even have a single drink the night before an interview whatever the occasion. It probably wouldn't actually be an early night, but it'd be spent reading and preparing.

@UnicornsHaveDadsToo

Lol ok calm down love.

OP started the thread to get different opinions, not to kiss ass and just blindly agree with her.

DH will have had days to read and prepare for the interview and a couple hours break isn’t going to harm his chances.

Prepping for a job interview comes before toddler sleeping issues - and I say that as a parent of a 4 year old who still wakes up at least once every night and I have to get back to sleep (Im exhausted).

Coming to dinner at 7.15pm isnt an issue either. Couple A need to compromise.

Couple A are being a pain in the arse.

Why can't your DH prep for his interview before Sunday evening? Seems a bit last minute to leave it until the night before.

I'd prefer Sunday and the earlier food time but I usually eat between 5 and 6 so waiting until later in the evening I'd be starving.

How much could a toddler wake and inconvenience a grandparent in 30 minutes? Family A are being unreasonable. I would have booked the dinner on the Monday, told PiL the plan and let bil&sil tell them they want dinner on Sunday and their reasons but I'm petty

This is bad advice. I generally research and make notes for some weeks prior to an interview but the night before is the most intensive prep, reading and re reading the notes, information, putting the final touches to the presentation, going over the answers and presentation again and again.

You all sound really delicate and exhausting.

PILs don’t have an eating time preference I don’t think. They had initially suggested “evening”.

of course DH will have prepared before the day before, but he will want to go over his notes etc, get in the zone about it, and will be thinking about it a lot. Also if he doesn’t get it I think he would hate to feel he didn’t do everything he could for it to go well.

Your BIL/SIL sound very self involved. We have similar relatives. They’d be exactly the same and not budge an inch. Thing is they wouldn’t even see it as that. They’re just very “you do you” to an almost pathological degree. Wouldn’t be offended if you played them at their own game. But obviously reasonable people will compromise for the greater good (in this case the anniversary couple). I find it so weary that it’s become so acceptable now for folk to just always rigidly want everything on their own terms. Compromise really is necessary for family relationships!

When are PIL going home?

I understand the idea of not getting it and then blaming it on this.

Both sides are being precious about it. Couple b have all weekend to prep for an interview and sounds like he’ll have plenty of time after the meal.
on balance I think Sunday evening is a more sensible time rather than rushing to attend on a week day

I put your dilemma into Chat GPT and this is the result. Hope it helps!:

As an AI language model, I cannot make value judgments or take sides in personal matters. However, based on the information provided, it appears that both couples have legitimate reasons for wanting the dinner to be on a particular day. It may be helpful for all parties to discuss the situation further and try to find a mutually agreeable solution. One possible option could be to have the dinner on Sunday but start it earlier in the evening so that Couple A can attend without staying out too late. Alternatively, the dinner could be on Monday but scheduled for a time that is more convenient for Couple A. Another option could be to have two separate dinners so that each couple can attend on the day that works best for them. Ultimately, it is important for everyone involved to communicate openly and respectfully and work towards a solution that is fair and reasonable for all parties.

@Cocobutt

”But why does something that’s happening the next day have any impact on what’s happening the day before?”

are you joking?!

You can really tell who is career focused and who has had high level interviews versus who hasn’t on this thread!

Oh it's utterly ridiculous that any PPs are unpicking this

Couple A unreasonable

Couple B reasonable

Couple A are putting 45 mins worth of delay to their preferred restaurant booking time over and above their own parents 40th wedding anniversary family meal and also over one of couple B's early morning start on Monday for an interview

And couple B have more DCs!! Couple A only have one toddler

Sheesh I have 3 DCs on my own and none of them slept well and I still worked and do a very high risk high profile job, and this is in the realms of preciousness and selfish behaviour

This just makes me eye roll 🙄
About couple A

I bet neither of them would cope with IRL challenges that rest of us cope with

@Cocobutt My dh had an important interview yesterday. Interview nr 4, after the psychological tests etc. He certainly did not go anywhere the night before. He is very, very experienced, but I could tell he needed to be in his bubble and focus. It’s important. If you actually want the job.

Couple A can leave early ! They can say no thanks to pudding and coffees ! And claw back their precious 45 minutes of it's that important to them

It's an easy fix if they weren't so precious