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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family dinner - who should compromise?

302 replies

User171953 · 16/02/2023 14:04

Parents/in laws are celebrating their 40th anniversary and one of them has organised a surprise trip to our home city (where BIL and SIL also live). Two options for when the surprise dinner can be - Sunday or Monday.

Couple A want it to be on Sunday. They have a toddler who wakes up a lot at night so they don’t want to stay out too late. One of the couple (the in law to the parents celebrating) (self employed) has arranged work which finishes at 6.45 on Monday which would mean they couldn’t get to a dinner earlier than 7.15.

Couple B want it to be on Monday. One of the couple (the child of the parents celebrating) has a big job interview involving travel which means they need to leave home very early on the Monday morning. If it was on the Sunday they wouldn’t be able to drink and don’t think they would enjoy the evening as will be stressing about interview prep.

Both couples think the other should
compromise. Couple A have also suggested doing 2 separate dinners instead.

YABU = Couple A should compromise
YANBU = Couple B should compromise

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 16/02/2023 17:08

kindlyensure · 16/02/2023 17:00

"He is going to agree to Sunday even though it’s rubbish for him because he knows it’s the nicest thing for his parents."

You have a very adult and mature DH who is also family minded. Celebrate that and have a great evening (with an early finish!)

@kindlyensure

he sounds more like a pushover to me

the meal should be on Monday

it’s a no brainer

Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 17:08

FeinCuroxiVooz · 16/02/2023 16:59

what nasty people your SIL and BIL are OP. sorry for you and DH for having to deal with this.

I don't think sending them a link to this thread will do any good. obviously if they were decent people it would change their minds but they clearly aren't, so they would just take massive offense at seeing the truth about their selfishness subjected to the mass judgement of hundreds of strangers.

Yeah I had initially thought of doing that but once someone called them “joyless twats” I decided against it 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
L0bstersLass · 16/02/2023 17:09

User171953 · 16/02/2023 17:06

No for various reasons those are the only 2 options.

Show quote history

@User171953 I would ask for this thread to be deleted. This is exactly the sort of thread a low-quality journaist would use to fill some column inches.

NoodleQueen90 · 16/02/2023 17:09

Dishwashersaurous · 16/02/2023 17:01

The point about the time is that its a big special celebration dinner for a special occasion. Therefore wouldn't expect it to be an all day dining place.

Many, many restaurants only serve lunch and dinner. With dinner from.7

I think it might just be a regional difference...I'm in Scotland and most restaurants in my nearest city are open and busy all day/night, even the nicer ones. The only ones I can think of that close between lunch and dinner are Chinese/Indian buffets (not fancy) or a very very fancy one with a tasting menu. Lots of places have lunch/pre theatre menus on before 6pm but a La carte menu is also available any time.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/02/2023 17:10

Laughing at some of the posters outrage that someone might want to have a DRINK at a celebration family meal - shock, horror!

soomeone get him to AA!! Now!!

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/02/2023 17:13

@Cocobutt

the toddlers sleeping whims should not dictate

sleep training is needed!

Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 17:14

@Cocobutt also, no plans have been made yet so it’s not a question of “rearranging” anything.

OP posts:
Cocobutt · 16/02/2023 17:15

Welcome to the thread Couple A

🤣🤣

I’m just shocked that so many posters agree that someone’s need to get pissed trumps everything else.

Headabovetheparakeet · 16/02/2023 17:16

@Cocobutt

I didn't get the sense that it was about being able to drink but about being able to relax as they won't have the interview hanging over them.

Cocobutt · 16/02/2023 17:17

@LuckySantangelo35

This isn’t about the toddler.

It’s about everyone being free and off work on Sunday.

Whilst Monday everyone is working/ have interviews etc and it means having a much later night.

They can do it much earlier on Sunday and everyone will be in bed for a decent time ready for work/interviews the next morning.

Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 17:21

Cocobutt · 16/02/2023 17:17

@LuckySantangelo35

This isn’t about the toddler.

It’s about everyone being free and off work on Sunday.

Whilst Monday everyone is working/ have interviews etc and it means having a much later night.

They can do it much earlier on Sunday and everyone will be in bed for a decent time ready for work/interviews the next morning.

@Cocobutt but it’s what’s happening the next morning that’s relevant, so whether the dinner is on Sunday or Monday people
have work the next day? The issue is that DH has an interview on Monday morning but not on Tuesday morning.

SIL doesn’t work mornings at all as far as I know. (Are you SIL?) 🤣

OP posts:
Tophy124 · 16/02/2023 17:23

Couple A are ridiculous.

Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 17:23

Cocobutt · 16/02/2023 17:15

Welcome to the thread Couple A

🤣🤣

I’m just shocked that so many posters agree that someone’s need to get pissed trumps everything else.

It is so so clear that this is absolutely not about DH’s “need to get pissed”. Nobody will be getting pissed.

OP posts:
WiIson · 16/02/2023 17:25

Why would someone want to go out the night before a stressful interview? It would be very hard to relax and enjoy the company. I'd be stressing too much.

Cocobutt · 16/02/2023 17:28

but it’s what’s happening the next morning that’s relevant, so whether the dinner is on Sunday or Monday people
have work the next day? The issue is that DH has an interview on Monday morning but not on Tuesday morning.

SIL doesn’t work mornings at all as far as I know. (Are you SIL?)

🤣🤣

But why does something that’s happening the next day have any impact on what’s happening the day before?

DH would have been prepping for his interview for days, so how will a couple of hours of having dinner going to hurt?

He can prep before he goes, have dinner and then prep some more when he comes home.

I’m not sure why everyone has to work around him when his interview isn’t even until the day after and he’s had days to prepare.

On Monday everyone is going to be tired from work/ the interview and won’t be able to drink/stay late anyway because of work the next day too.

Tophy124 · 16/02/2023 17:29

Your DH does need to refuse to go. I would never go out the night before a big interview and if this were my children and my son explained it all to me I’d think my DIL was being very annoying!!

Them babying their toddler and acting like she’s the only important person here is insane! Your husbands interview prep doesn’t get disrupted because they can’t cope with their toddler. They are weird.

Tophy124 · 16/02/2023 17:31

@Cocobutt Well an interview definitely trumps a couple that can’t cope with their toddler at bedtime.

WiIson · 16/02/2023 17:31

I'd never go out the night before a big interview. I'd be prepping, trying to chill out and early night.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/02/2023 17:31

Cocobutt · 16/02/2023 17:17

@LuckySantangelo35

This isn’t about the toddler.

It’s about everyone being free and off work on Sunday.

Whilst Monday everyone is working/ have interviews etc and it means having a much later night.

They can do it much earlier on Sunday and everyone will be in bed for a decent time ready for work/interviews the next morning.

@Cocobutt

why does it have to be a late night on the Monday? They can be home for 10.30?

Also what’s the issue with a late night every so ofton?
No one is gonna spontaneously combust! And it is a celebration after all!

Cocobutt · 16/02/2023 17:34

It would be very hard to relax and enjoy the company.

Why is everything about him?

It’s not his anniversary and so it doesn’t really matter if he is struggling to relax or not enjoying the company as much or can’t get drunk because it’s not about him.

He should be fully prepped by Saturday and Sunday should be just going back over it and remembering what he’s going to say.

A couple hours having dinner isn’t going to cause him to fail the interview.
(And some would argue that stepping away for a couple hours will actually be helpful).

VeggieSalsa · 16/02/2023 17:34

Can random sitter also look after Couple A’s toddler?

If you really wanted to persuade them, could you then have their toddler overnight so they get a full night’s sleep and collect toddler in the morning as a “thank you” for compromising?

Vermin · 16/02/2023 17:35

Sorry that was my joyless comment which prevents forwarding! As an alternative solution, couple A stay home and send the toddler to represent the family as the more balanced and mature one?

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/02/2023 17:36

Cocobutt · 16/02/2023 17:34

It would be very hard to relax and enjoy the company.

Why is everything about him?

It’s not his anniversary and so it doesn’t really matter if he is struggling to relax or not enjoying the company as much or can’t get drunk because it’s not about him.

He should be fully prepped by Saturday and Sunday should be just going back over it and remembering what he’s going to say.

A couple hours having dinner isn’t going to cause him to fail the interview.
(And some would argue that stepping away for a couple hours will actually be helpful).

@Cocobutt

cos having an interview is a big deal and if his preference is to not go out on the Sunday they should accommodate that.
why the bloody hell wouldn’t they?!

Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 17:37

Cocobutt · 16/02/2023 17:34

It would be very hard to relax and enjoy the company.

Why is everything about him?

It’s not his anniversary and so it doesn’t really matter if he is struggling to relax or not enjoying the company as much or can’t get drunk because it’s not about him.

He should be fully prepped by Saturday and Sunday should be just going back over it and remembering what he’s going to say.

A couple hours having dinner isn’t going to cause him to fail the interview.
(And some would argue that stepping away for a couple hours will actually be helpful).

Of course it isn’t all about him. But you could equally say that BIL and SIL think it should all be about them?

It’s not a question of whether DH should be able to suck it up and go, it’s whether it’s worse for DH or worse for BIL and SIL
in a scenario where neither day suits everyone.

Do you think it’s reasonable for BIL and SIL to dictate the start time and day on the basis that their child might or might wake up? Particularly when their child might or might not wake up in exactly the same circumstances on their preferred day?

OP posts:
Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 17:40

Vermin · 16/02/2023 17:35

Sorry that was my joyless comment which prevents forwarding! As an alternative solution, couple A stay home and send the toddler to represent the family as the more balanced and mature one?

Ha ha it was the first of many in a similar vein.

I’d very happily dine with their toddler, who is a cutie. I think they have really struggled with her sleep though, and it has possibly driven them a bit mad.

OP posts:
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