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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family dinner - who should compromise?

302 replies

User171953 · 16/02/2023 14:04

Parents/in laws are celebrating their 40th anniversary and one of them has organised a surprise trip to our home city (where BIL and SIL also live). Two options for when the surprise dinner can be - Sunday or Monday.

Couple A want it to be on Sunday. They have a toddler who wakes up a lot at night so they don’t want to stay out too late. One of the couple (the in law to the parents celebrating) (self employed) has arranged work which finishes at 6.45 on Monday which would mean they couldn’t get to a dinner earlier than 7.15.

Couple B want it to be on Monday. One of the couple (the child of the parents celebrating) has a big job interview involving travel which means they need to leave home very early on the Monday morning. If it was on the Sunday they wouldn’t be able to drink and don’t think they would enjoy the evening as will be stressing about interview prep.

Both couples think the other should
compromise. Couple A have also suggested doing 2 separate dinners instead.

YABU = Couple A should compromise
YANBU = Couple B should compromise

OP posts:
buckeejit · 16/02/2023 15:47

All should be together & interview takes precedence. In law can go home early if they're worried about baby

Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 15:49

Ok thanks everyone. It’s not going to change the outcome but I feel very vindicated!

OP posts:
thing47 · 16/02/2023 15:50

Wouldn't be an issue here as neither DH nor I would be going out for a boozy dinner the night before a big job interview. Not happening.

Agree with @NotTooParticular that your DH needs to say quite simply that he cannot do the Sunday night and to explain the reason to the organising parent. If I was said parent I'd be quite annoyed at other son and question why they couldn't do the Monday. 'Wife doesn't want to' doesn't really hack it imo.

another1bitestheduck · 16/02/2023 15:52

have read your update - I really don't see what couple A have any issue with. 7.15pm is a completely normal time to go out for dinner. The late person can always arrive then and the rest of you get there a bit early and order for them if half an hour really makes that much of a difference. However either way you will surely still finish way before 11pm and before the baby waking up is any sort of issue.

I'd just do 2 different meals personally but if your DH is willing to compromise that's very nice of him.

JussathoB · 16/02/2023 15:55

Couple A should compromise. Couple B have an interview which they can’t control the date of and is probably very important. Not fair to expect them to be celebrating the evening before.

JussathoB · 16/02/2023 15:56

Two different meals spoils the family get together objective doesn’t it?

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 16/02/2023 15:59

Either compromise and do it on the Saturday or move it to the following weekend.

Original poster
User171953 · 16/02/2023 15:59

JussathoB · 16/02/2023 15:56

Two different meals spoils the family get together objective doesn’t it?

Well exactly.

BIL and SIL have basically said they are doing Sunday and if we don’t like it, it will be 2 separate meals. I don’t really know the detail of their objections to Monday because they haven’t engaged on it as an option at all.

Personally I’d have thought that 45 mins here or there can’t make much of a difference to their toddler (who is over 2, not a baby), but if it does make a big difference and it’s necessary to start early then either SIL could rearrange her work or just arrive a little late. We haven’t been able to have those conversations though because they’ve just said no.

OP posts:
Cakecakecheese · 16/02/2023 16:00

Yeah it sounds like you're going to have to do what couple A want as that way the parents get all their family there but you're not being unreasonable to be miffed by it! Hopefully sometime you can get your revenge by being awkward about Christmas or something 😂

Augend23 · 16/02/2023 16:01

This is mad, even if you go out for dinner at 7:15, you'll be eating by 7:45, even 2 hours only takes you to 9:45. If you go somewhere near BIL and SIL they could be home by ten. I wouldn't compromise honestly, what if your DH feels like he hasn't prepped enough for the interview? I wouldn't be able to have a nice time at all the night before an interview.

MalteserGeezee · 16/02/2023 16:04

Couple A should compromise

Shefliesonherownwings · 16/02/2023 16:05

Honestly the BIL and SILs attitude would irk me so much I would be unwilling to give in and would just say ok, lets have two meals then. Obviously this means PIL are the losers here but the unwillingness to elaborate further and even try to be flexible would irritate me so much I wouldn't pander to it. This is without the fact that I already think the job interview trumps the toddler issue. I'd be drawing my line in the sand and saying no we're not falling in line with you this time and sod the consequences. But easier said than done of course.

endoftheworldniteclub · 16/02/2023 16:07

Couple A seem entitled and selfish. It’s their way or nothing and it’s a child over 2 not a newborn baby fgs.

Having a job interview is important, and so is having one celebration all together. Go on the Sunday and then go have a drink with them on Monday night.

seekingafreshstart · 16/02/2023 16:10

User171953 · 16/02/2023 15:59

Well exactly.

BIL and SIL have basically said they are doing Sunday and if we don’t like it, it will be 2 separate meals. I don’t really know the detail of their objections to Monday because they haven’t engaged on it as an option at all.

Personally I’d have thought that 45 mins here or there can’t make much of a difference to their toddler (who is over 2, not a baby), but if it does make a big difference and it’s necessary to start early then either SIL could rearrange her work or just arrive a little late. We haven’t been able to have those conversations though because they’ve just said no.

Show quote history

Could you not all do Monday, and then either BIL or SIL skips dessert to relieve the grandparent-babysitter?

I'd be tempted to send SIL and BIL a text message explaining that the interview is a big deal, DH is stressing out about it, and it would make a huge difference if they could just do the meal on Monday. You're really looking forward to catching up together and having a joint surprise celebration and would be sad if you couldn't make the timings work given how far PILs are travelling.

I mean, if you put it in writing, you can say your piece without them talking over you.

CatSpeakForDummies · 16/02/2023 16:10

Is this all being arranged by WhatsApp, for him to just be able to not discuss Monday?

If so, then your DH needs to call his brother and have an actual conversation. This will mean he can answer the objections (nobody will mind if SIL turns up late/leaves early, for example. He can also explain he's stressed about the interview, as SIL might have got the same end of the stick as some posters and think it's all about alcohol.

Couple B are basically saying that his brothers interview matters less than MIL having to settle a toddler back to sleep - absolute nonsense.

soundsystem · 16/02/2023 16:14

Definitely couple A should compromise! I was already to say it should be on the Sunday due to the toddler but if the toddler is being babysat then on the Monday after the job interview makes much more sense!

Pirrin · 16/02/2023 16:17

I can definitely sympathise with their toddler situation. I had one who would wake 300 times a night and be utterly terrified/bereft if I wasn't there. Leaving my mum with that was something I did once and then never again, it was horrific for both of them and she didnt have the strength to keep someone else's screaming toddler safe by herself (other kids sleeping in the house too)! To anyone who hasn't experienced one of those sorts of toddlers then it could certainly come across as precious.

HOWEVER I wouldn't use my own pita family situation as a reason to make someone else a) spend the eve before their big interview having a meal out, or b) split the family event up. Best solution would be Monday eve, and the babysitter messages mum if/when the toddler wakes. SiL can always get a taxi home early if the situation is unraveling, but doesn't have to if it doesn't.

Of course you can't make them agree to that OP so I think you're doing the decent thing by giving in, but I'm annoyed on your behalf!

RosyappleA · 16/02/2023 16:19

Couple A sound awful. Have the dinner just with couple B.

L0bstersLass · 16/02/2023 16:23

User171953 · 16/02/2023 14:26

Parents/in laws have suggested an adults only evening meal. I think they would prefer it to be later (not at 6pm) but they understand re childcare demands etc. Sunday lunch is out as they have booked tickets to a show.

Show quote history

The solution is Monday evening at 7.30. Gives a chance to make sure everything's fine with the babysitter before going out for dinner.

TeenLifeMum · 16/02/2023 16:24

I’d go for Monday night but sometimes people with young children forget others have needs.

KillingLoneliness · 16/02/2023 16:24

Couple A should compromise as a job interview is more important and I say that as a parent of a child who never slept! Two separate dinners seems unnecessary and not a nice situation for the parents who I’m sure would like to celebrate with everyone.

Bayleaf25 · 16/02/2023 16:25

7.15pm on Monday sounds the best option to me. I’m not sure I’d want a night out before an important interview.

BlueHeelers · 16/02/2023 16:28

Couple A are really selfish.

Cocobutt · 16/02/2023 16:33

Couple B are being incredibly selfish.

Everyone is free on Sunday so it makes sense to do it then.

Why should everyone rearrange their plans because one person wants to get pissed.

The interview excuse is BS because it’s Thursday and they already know they’ve got an interview and can prep and plan for it for days in advance.
A couple hours of dinner is not going to affect their chances of doing well at the interview.

Sounds like couple B are just trying to find excuses to be difficult.

TotallyScouting · 16/02/2023 16:33

Send couple A the link to this thread. They are selfish, entitled a*holes and I am not sure I could sit across a table from them on the Sunday to be honest when they will happily jeopardise a loved one’s shot at a job for their own, inexplicable self-centred reasons…