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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hopeless about our housing situation

144 replies

Willyswaggingfinger · 16/02/2023 11:38

I'll start by saying we didn't move before I got pregnant with DD because DH is infertile and we were told we would need ivf so we were saving for it. Turns out he's not as infertile as they thought.

So there's 4 of us in a 2 bed house. Me, DH, DS18 DD (4 months) and the dog. We rent and are paying well below market value (£560 per month). I moved here with DS 7 years ago, then I met DH and he moved in 3 years ago.
We need 3 bedrooms and our plan was to move this year. Because we were saving for ivf, we have enough for a 5% deposit on a new build, we have a mortgage in principle and an agreement for a 5% deposit contribution from the house builder.
Except it's all gone tits up.

DH's boss agreed verbally when I was pregnant that he could do 8.30-5pm when I go back to work so that DH can do the nursery run. DH put his request in writing and it's been refused. He starts at 6am on early's so before nursery opens.
I'm a nurse and work 7.30am-8.30pm on days and 8pm-8am on nights.
I've asked to do just day shifts so I can drop DD off at 7am and DH collect her at 3pm but work said no. They also won't allow set days.
DH is unskilled and it's proving really difficult to find a job with hours that work with nursery so it looks like he will have to give up working to look after DD. I earn 2x DH wage so it makes sense for me to stay at work. I'm looking for a more flexible ward now.
We have no family support.

So back to the house.
We can't afford a £960 a month mortgage on just my wage. I'm feeling really hopeless about it all. The only option we have now, that I can see, is to move into a bigger rental which will be around £800 but I'll be -£100 each month so it's not truly an option. I've cut back our spending as much as I can.
The whole situation is making me depressed. I earn 33k per year plus extra for nights/weekends and we can't afford a house. My take home is around £2k per month.

Does anybody have any ideas?

OP posts:
Skinnermarink · 16/02/2023 11:41

What does DS18 bring to the table? Does he work, or is he still in education? Will you have to factor in him living with you for a while yet? If so can he help with any nursery runs? Obviously I’m sure you’ve already thought of all this.

Original poster
Willyswaggingfinger · 16/02/2023 11:46

Skinnermarink · 16/02/2023 11:41

What does DS18 bring to the table? Does he work, or is he still in education? Will you have to factor in him living with you for a while yet? If so can he help with any nursery runs? Obviously I’m sure you’ve already thought of all this.

Sorry totally forgot about DS.
So he's in special school and will be there until July 2024. Then it's expected he will go to college. He's not fully independent himself, so can't look after DD.

OP posts:
parietal · 16/02/2023 11:47

what work is your DH qualified for? does he want to gain more skills to get a better job in the future?

one option might be for DH to stay home for 1-2 years (until you get free nursery hours) and spend sometime doing training / online courses to improve his job prospects. then in 1-2 years, DS might move out and you would be in a much better position to move to a bigger house / get better jobs etc.

ThreeLittleDots · 16/02/2023 11:50

A childminder with early hours / wraparound care?

Original poster
Willyswaggingfinger · 16/02/2023 11:51

parietal · 16/02/2023 11:47

what work is your DH qualified for? does he want to gain more skills to get a better job in the future?

one option might be for DH to stay home for 1-2 years (until you get free nursery hours) and spend sometime doing training / online courses to improve his job prospects. then in 1-2 years, DS might move out and you would be in a much better position to move to a bigger house / get better jobs etc.

He has zero qualifications.
He's a foreign national and is on a spouse visa, he's due for indefinite leave in 2026.
He wants to learn and has been looking for apprenticeships as well but he can't access any government funded training. We've looked into him doing esol and then functional skills in English and Maths, it will cost approx £2.5k.

He's done warehouse work and he's working in production right now. He can't do office work because his written English isn't great and he's not confident on the phone. His spoken English is fine, he's fluent, and he can read English fine.

OP posts:
Orangeanlemons551 · 16/02/2023 11:52

What about a childminder for your daughter. You might find one happy to do early starts.

fairgame84 · 16/02/2023 11:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Mumof1andacat · 16/02/2023 11:58

Does your hospital have a nursery? Mine does. That starts at 7am until 630pm

SnowCones · 16/02/2023 11:59

Is your DH on minimum wage? DS had a warehouse job in lockdown when he left school for a couple of years before he started his degree apprenticeship. He did night shifts and was earning between £15 and £17PH at 18. Your DH could then do more childcare if he could do some nights.

Does he have a chance of eventually getting a better job. My friends DH earns minimum wage and has never attempted to improve that, she earns over 50k per annum and has now spent a decade subbing him, no children either.

Original poster
Willyswaggingfinger · 16/02/2023 12:00

@Mumof1andacat no, there is a nursery close by that starts at 7am but that doesn't work when I finish nights at 8am and DH starts work at 6am

@Orangeanlemons551 the 2 childminders locally only work term time 8.30am until 5pm but I'm going to start looking in other areas

OP posts:
Original poster
Willyswaggingfinger · 16/02/2023 12:01

SnowCones · 16/02/2023 11:59

Is your DH on minimum wage? DS had a warehouse job in lockdown when he left school for a couple of years before he started his degree apprenticeship. He did night shifts and was earning between £15 and £17PH at 18. Your DH could then do more childcare if he could do some nights.

Does he have a chance of eventually getting a better job. My friends DH earns minimum wage and has never attempted to improve that, she earns over 50k per annum and has now spent a decade subbing him, no children either.

He is on minimum wage which is why he would have to stay home over me. He can't do nights because I also do nights and my work won't agree to me doing days only.

OP posts:
Stelmosfire1 · 16/02/2023 12:03

Can you look at training to be a Health Visitor? This would a year in training and then band 7 with regular mon-fri hours once qualified. I appreciate some areas have more opportunities than others.

ArnoldBee · 16/02/2023 12:03

My friend is a nurse and adopted as a single parent. She found a local agency that provides childminders that work in your home that do random shifts.

SnowCones · 16/02/2023 12:04

Will your DS be going to a residential college?

Headabovetheparakeet · 16/02/2023 12:05

Could you go into agency nursing and only cover days? Could be risky if there isn't consistent work though.

Original poster
Willyswaggingfinger · 16/02/2023 12:06

Stelmosfire1 · 16/02/2023 12:03

Can you look at training to be a Health Visitor? This would a year in training and then band 7 with regular mon-fri hours once qualified. I appreciate some areas have more opportunities than others.

I don't have time to do a degree right now. I also used to be a school nurse and hated it, I wouldn't be happy health visiting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Willyswaggingfinger · 16/02/2023 12:08

Headabovetheparakeet · 16/02/2023 12:05

Could you go into agency nursing and only cover days? Could be risky if there isn't consistent work though.

That's in the back of my mind. We were hoping to have another dc but I won't get mat pay on bank. Equally we can never have another if we can't move house anyway so there's no reason not to consider it. There's always plenty of bank shifts in my field of nursing.

OP posts:
Leakingtoilet · 16/02/2023 12:12

Stay where you are for now?

Your rent is very low and DD doesn't need her own room. Sort the work situation, then get the mortgage. If you have to pay more rent you may struggle to save.

My DS is 4.5 and still on our room, he will have his own room when 18yo moves out in the summer.

We were paying lower rent on a 3 bed, got kicked out when I was pregnant and have only been able to afford 2 bed since. Not ideal but not the end of the world

Versailles2023 · 16/02/2023 12:15

Do you work in the NHS they are suppose to be family friendly! You can easily find a permanent night shift position outside the NHS as a nurse. I had to work permanent nights when my kids were young. They are always recruiting PIP assessors work from home daytime too and they are on over 33k. You can change to a desk job like that and do a couple of bank or agency clinical shifts to keep your hand in. Don’t give up on the house you can make it work. Your current employers are very short sighted not giving you some accommodation even til your husband found another position. Good luck 👍 🍀

Llovecookies · 16/02/2023 12:15

Would a nursing role in a gp practice be better with regards to hours?

Original poster
Willyswaggingfinger · 16/02/2023 12:16

@Leakingtoilet does it work OK with ds in your room? Does he sleep OK?

OP posts:
Original poster
Willyswaggingfinger · 16/02/2023 12:19

@Versailles2023 @Llovecookies
I'm a paeds nurse so a bit limited. I've contacted my friend who is a ward sister on another ward to see if she would accommodate no nights.
They are so bloody short sighted. Nights are easy to fill but days are harder so it would be more helpful to them if I was on permanent days. Everyone on my ward jumps at extra night shifts.

OP posts:
Coldilox · 16/02/2023 12:21

Are there any community nurse roles that would work with your skill set? My DW is a specialist sexual health and HIV nurse, and it’s been much easier working around childcare than it would have been if she was doing ward shifts.

JanglyBeads · 16/02/2023 12:23

Try and get a shared ownership property - are there many near you? Ring a local housing association to find out more.

2reefsin30knots · 16/02/2023 12:24

In your position I wouldn't move house. DD will be fine in with you for a long time. I'd put your energy into a 5 year plan- how you are going to make school work etc rather then rocking the boat trying to move house now.