To feel hopeless about our housing situation

[Willyswaggingfinger]

I'll start by saying we didn't move before I got pregnant with DD because DH is infertile and we were told we would need ivf so we were saving for it. Turns out he's not as infertile as they thought.

So there's 4 of us in a 2 bed house. Me, DH, DS18 DD (4 months) and the dog. We rent and are paying well below market value (£560 per month). I moved here with DS 7 years ago, then I met DH and he moved in 3 years ago.
We need 3 bedrooms and our plan was to move this year. Because we were saving for ivf, we have enough for a 5% deposit on a new build, we have a mortgage in principle and an agreement for a 5% deposit contribution from the house builder.
Except it's all gone tits up.

DH's boss agreed verbally when I was pregnant that he could do 8.30-5pm when I go back to work so that DH can do the nursery run. DH put his request in writing and it's been refused. He starts at 6am on early's so before nursery opens.
I'm a nurse and work 7.30am-8.30pm on days and 8pm-8am on nights.
I've asked to do just day shifts so I can drop DD off at 7am and DH collect her at 3pm but work said no. They also won't allow set days.
DH is unskilled and it's proving really difficult to find a job with hours that work with nursery so it looks like he will have to give up working to look after DD. I earn 2x DH wage so it makes sense for me to stay at work. I'm looking for a more flexible ward now.
We have no family support.

So back to the house.
We can't afford a £960 a month mortgage on just my wage. I'm feeling really hopeless about it all. The only option we have now, that I can see, is to move into a bigger rental which will be around £800 but I'll be -£100 each month so it's not truly an option. I've cut back our spending as much as I can.
The whole situation is making me depressed. I earn 33k per year plus extra for nights/weekends and we can't afford a house. My take home is around £2k per month.

Does anybody have any ideas?

@lacey79 yes that would be ideal and they are band 6 so it would be a pay rise too. Community jobs are scarce for paeds nurses, there's none at the moment.

@Porkandbeans1 yes we're looking but there's no vacancies at the minute. The service department at my hospital is really flexible unlike my ward!

@ABitOdd that's what's put me off shared ownership, it's no cheaper.
I can't believe they wouldn't be flexible given the dangerous shortage of midwives. The nhs is it's own worst enemy. Think of how many more staff they would have if they allowed a bit of flexibility. Not everyone wants 9-5 on a flexi, plenty of us still want long days or permanent nights, there would be enough staff to cover all shifts.

Could you only do nights on Friday and Saturday?

Also check the local special schools, some have nurses on site. I'm connected to one that has two paeds nurses plus multiple hca's due to the complex medical conditions of the students.

Yes but that's not enough for my ward manager.

Yes he'll keep trying. He's more optimistic than I am.
My friend has said they allow no nights on her ward but there's no jobs atm.

Honestly Op get the idea of moving and paying a lot more rent out of your head. I don't think you are in a hopeless situation at all, you could be if you moved and paid so much rent when there's no need to.
Your DH should try again and ask for the 8am shift, if they say no again he can hand in his notice and stay at home with DD and look for something more suitable.

Sounds like he would be better in a zero-hours job like pizza delivery, delivering parcels as a courier. something he could flex around your shifts.Does he drive? could he Uber or do food deliveries.

Op I’ve only read your comments and it everyone’s suggestions as I too have a fussy DD. I’m also a nurse and we are allowed to swap shifts with our colleagues. What are they like. Could you potentially just swap offf your nights with someone else and on to days as they came up. Or swap on to the weekend nights etc? Our off duty comes out and then we all chop and change as our childcare etv requires. It’s not often that people are stuck. Although I do realise I work with an amazing bunch and not all areas are like this

Have you discussed your circumstances with HR? They might allow ‘family friendly hours’, especially if you say you are willing to work nights at the weekend? The key is to not completely rule out a shift, and be seen to want to compromise. I’m a ward sister and have a few nurses that have family friendly contracts. Might be worth a discussion. Good luck.

@KEG05 yes that's possible but I would worry that I'm not guaranteed to get all of the swaps I need. I just feel it will add more stress. But it might be worth a try while DH is home and then if it's working after a few months he could find a job.
A few years back the matron stopped someone from doing permanent nights through shift swapping but we've had a new matron since so hopefully they won't care.

@Pippa12 I'll speak to HR, tbh I thought the final say was up to the ward manager. I'll speak to my union as well.

When I had a baby, I found a private nanny who would have 2-3 other babies/ toddlers in her care (at her house) and you could drop off/ pick up your child as early/ late as you wanted to.
It cost less than the nursery! All other mums were nurses and doing various shifts
Surely there are more chid carers/ baby sitters like that? Alternatively you can share childcare costs with someone? Also if you are working, you are eligible for the government’s 20% childcare help.

You can do nights though so you could request Friday and Saturday? Then they couldn’t take issue with you only covering days. How many requests are you allowed per 4 week rotation? Assuming your on eroster 😂

That’s not a nanny. That is a childminder. Nannies don’t work from their own homes and typically do not work for more than one family at a time.

Sorry English not my first language so not sure about the difference. Yes I meant childminder or you can share a nanny/ childcare with someone

Would your H be a good stay at home dad OP?because if so I think it makes sense for him to stay at home and find something he can do from home - is his English good enough to look at call centre jobs for instance?? You would still need childcare but within normal hours etc

This isn’t a bad idea if you live in the kind of area where these things exist. A nanny-share or a nanny happy to do wraparound hours.

I would go to the top, the director of nursing to state your case and warn that you might have to leave. Don’t slag off the ward manager. State that you completely understand that the numbers do not make sense and it seems that the manager of course has to keep you on nights. Say that you enjoy the job but let them know that your trust could end up losing a qualified and invaluable member of staff if there is no flexibility. Ask them for suggestions and see what happens. You have nothing to lose. It’s important for senior management to see the challenges on the ground. Good luck.

It was great, the cost was actually less than the local nursery, you pay only as much as you use/ need, I wasn’t tied to the nursery hours and also still managed to get 20% off from the government.
Also, my DD wasn’t constantly sick like children at the nursery (as less children around) and my DD still had some social life - the other 2 toddlers.
The childminder took them to the local park, 1 o’clock club, Thames music sessions etc.

Slightly deviating from the topic, but why has the 18 year old DS not had a transitions assessment already. I am a SEND transitions social worker and we have to to have them completed, signed off and care plan etc before our young people turn 18. I would be questioning why he has not had his assessment completed already.

I would go to HR about this, flexible working has to work for both parties, but they are not even trying to be flexible with you. Imagine if you go agency, completely ridiculous, they will loose a full time, consistent member of staff and have to pay you a significant amount more to cover the same shifts, when they could have retained you and been flexible for a short time.

Stay where you are, baby does not need a room for a long time, keep saving, enjoy maternity leave and there will be dozens of new builds waiting when you are ready.

If your son's future benefits will be reduced due to savings, does it make sense to use some of them to assist with the house purchase? Seeing as he will need to live with you anyway?

@ThomasinVye I have no idea. School referred him mid January, he was 18 in November. Nobody from the council has attended his ehcp review since 2020 and that was only because an emergency review was called because of a mental health crisis. We haven't been given any plans or options for life after school. He's in an out of county school as well so school don't know what's available in our county and can't recommend any provision other than what's in their county.

To be honest that's not crossed my mind but pp have mentioned it as well so it's something I need to consider.

That's absolutely ridiculous

The deadline in England is 31st March for EHCP transitions! I would contact the EHCP team in your lical authority directly in this situation. Explain there is no plan in place and you are concerned.

Has he had his review? Did a review officer attend. The school should have referred him January 2022 not after he turned 18! Has he had a progress meeting or anything?

He had his annual review in October. He's doing an extra post 16 year so won't finish school until July 2024. I assumed that's why nothing had really happened and it would be done next academic year.
I'll chase it up though if it should have been done.

It sounds like DS’s EHCP isn’t fit for purpose and the ARs haven’t been as thorough as they should have been. Have a read of this IPSEA page.