To feel hopeless about our housing situation

[Willyswaggingfinger]

I'll start by saying we didn't move before I got pregnant with DD because DH is infertile and we were told we would need ivf so we were saving for it. Turns out he's not as infertile as they thought.

So there's 4 of us in a 2 bed house. Me, DH, DS18 DD (4 months) and the dog. We rent and are paying well below market value (£560 per month). I moved here with DS 7 years ago, then I met DH and he moved in 3 years ago.
We need 3 bedrooms and our plan was to move this year. Because we were saving for ivf, we have enough for a 5% deposit on a new build, we have a mortgage in principle and an agreement for a 5% deposit contribution from the house builder.
Except it's all gone tits up.

DH's boss agreed verbally when I was pregnant that he could do 8.30-5pm when I go back to work so that DH can do the nursery run. DH put his request in writing and it's been refused. He starts at 6am on early's so before nursery opens.
I'm a nurse and work 7.30am-8.30pm on days and 8pm-8am on nights.
I've asked to do just day shifts so I can drop DD off at 7am and DH collect her at 3pm but work said no. They also won't allow set days.
DH is unskilled and it's proving really difficult to find a job with hours that work with nursery so it looks like he will have to give up working to look after DD. I earn 2x DH wage so it makes sense for me to stay at work. I'm looking for a more flexible ward now.
We have no family support.

So back to the house.
We can't afford a £960 a month mortgage on just my wage. I'm feeling really hopeless about it all. The only option we have now, that I can see, is to move into a bigger rental which will be around £800 but I'll be -£100 each month so it's not truly an option. I've cut back our spending as much as I can.
The whole situation is making me depressed. I earn 33k per year plus extra for nights/weekends and we can't afford a house. My take home is around £2k per month.

Does anybody have any ideas?

Hi op, I have a 4mo and a spare room but we have no plans to turn it into a room for her. She will be in with us for at least a year or two. I have an older ds 6yo and from experience all we did was take it in turns sleeping with him in his room or he ended up in our bed. We spent a lot on his room and it was a complete waste. We have no use for our room during the day so her napping there doesn't affect anyone, and at night we just sleep there so again it's really not a big deal. Also doing the night wakings is much more manageable with her right there. Have a longer term plan for your house, but I wouldn't worry right now and stress yourself out over finances.

Given people are giving helpful solutions, I feel ok to ask this:

Why, in the worst economic conditions of modern times, did you choose to have a baby by an unskilled man who earns under 20k? Especially as your son will need care and support way beyond 18.

Should she put the baby back?

If so how does she do that?

Point is my questions are as useful as yours. The OP is in a situation and it needs a solution not a why on how she got there.

Don't move and pay that much rent, your rent is really good. It would make more sense for your DH to leave work to look after DD and to look for a job with the hours you need. If he was to leave it would be worth him trying once more to get the 8am shift.

Do they still do keyworker housing? That would be an option for you working in NHS and hopefully offset 1 wage if needed.

But also I agree that they are being really short sighted not to be flexible.

Desperate for staff yet will turn staff away 🙄🤔

Did you miss the bit in my op where we were told we were infertile?
We were planning to move before I got pregnant which was supposed to be via ivf.
Did you also miss the part where DH's boss said he could do shifts around nursery? If it was for them changing their mind then we would be in our own bought house by now.

My son is gaining independence and won't need support forever. He will be able to work and and at some point live independently. He just needs more time to learn skills.

Just because my husband is a low earner doesn't mean we shouldn't have a baby. We prepared the best we could. He doesn't need a high wage, he just needs different hours which were already agreed. Or should I divorce him and marry a rich man?

Yes he'll keep trying. He's more optimistic than I am.
My friend has said they allow no nights on her ward but there's no jobs atm.

She didn't choose it.

It's in the OP. They were told he's infertile and could only conceive through ivf. So they were buying a house and then going to try through ivf.

Is he looking via findajob.dwp.gov.uk , the online job centre? Assume he is allowed to work on his visa? What about garden centres, farm shops , cafes which may offer part-time hours.

So are we to understand that a man whose opportunities in life haven't been as great as, say, Boris Johnson's, should not be allowed to reproduce? Goodness, we're heading into rather unpleasant territory here.

I don't think your DH has to give up work altogether - just find somewhere with more family friendly shifts. He may be unskilled but supermarkets or even McDonald's may offer more favourable shifts to fit around the nursery run. I imagine it'll be hard for a few years until your Dd is in school. Your rent sounds low so I'd try and make it work for now while your Dd is still little.

an unskilled man who earns under 20k

Many people earn under 20K - should they be put on compulsory contraception?

Have you looked for jobs that might require that language but are in the UK? My husband has always worked in his native language in his UK based jobs. English as well is required but the quality of written English is not so important.

Most flexible job I've ever had was in dom care. My availability was every day but at random times. For example 8am-1pm and then 5-9pm and this was always accommodated. Most are zero hours which is shite but there is always work and it's an easy job to get into. Obviously I'm only suggesting this if your husband would be interested in a caring role but definitely something to think about if so.

Good point about care work.

Also think about work as a TA in school. Especially if he has another language as he'll be valuable to schools if there lots of pupils with his national language as their mother tongue. Especially where the parents aren't fluent in English even if the kids are!

The only thing would be if he can get a dbs? Can't deny I'm not knowledgable about rules for this - even though I have 1!!!

My Ds is almost 3 years. He has his own room, but chooses to sleep in ours whenever possible. He would be completely happy with no own bedroom right now. He reluctantly sleeps in there the first few hours then moves. So I think it’s fine until they are about 4 years to stay in your room.

I would have you back to your work when needed as earns more. Dh stops work and looks after baby. In the meantime he looks for work that might work with the hospital nursery opening hours, or part time somewhere daytime.

Mac Donald’s is actually a good idea, the one local to me seems to be offering everything from full time, to very part time, and flexible hours. I don’t think they can find staff, so they will work with whatever someone offers.

Another suggestion - has he considered own small self employed thing from home? I know several people who make and sell everything from wedding decor to painted lamps on Etsy. One has given up 50k job for it now, but even if it’s just as hoc and small scale, he might be able to do some kind of e commerce shop online. Where he does part time at home around your schedule

Are you suggesting that only well off people should be allowed a family?

Why aren't you asking why the NHS doesn't allow flexible working for parents, why there's a housing crisis, why ESOL provision (which used to be low-cost or free) is so expensive and hard to access, why the OP's husband's boss isn't giving flexible working for childcare?

Why the urge to be spiteful?

You say that ds has his pip paid into his account. Remember that when he goes to claim uc/lwcra if he has 16k then he will get no award and if over 6k then his award will be reduced. My son is 17 and in Ms school. I am his appointee and keep most of his daily living element towards the household costs and the extra costs we incur.

Please don't panic about having your youngest in your room. Mine is still in with us and they've just turned 6! That's life in London if you don't want to move out further.
So get planning. It won't be forever.

Thankyou everyone. We are taking all board all of the suggestions.
Thankyou as well to those that have reassured me that room sharing is ok.

@Willyswaggingfinger

Have you considered community nursing? Our teams do 7-6 4 days a week, or 9-5 5 days a week, out of hours is a different team entirely, admin and referals can be done from home so often home much earlier than hours suggest. Community is packed full of skills so you wont lose anything and can return to ward/hospital nursing when you can. That way, a partner can do nights around your working? Most community teams are crying out for staff too.

Your DD is still small so you're not in a rush for now. Could your husband get a job at the hospital doing portering or kitchen work? He might be able to get hours that fit around your schedule a bit better there.

You don't move house if you cannot afford it.

I would also find a way to see if DS can cobtribute board. I know it feels ugly to consider, but he will one day (presumably) inherit half a house. Can't leave a lease in your will

We have 5 in a :3 bed opposite sex siblings sharing a room one is over 10 year old. Autistic dds18 has own room. We are in shared ownership cannot afford a full ortage yet shared ownership costing more or same as full mortgage would!
we are soon going to have to turn our living room into a bedroom we do not have a big kitchen and the living room is the only reception room so will be really shit!
can you use your living room as a bedroom if you have to?
I also had to leave midwifery as nhs would not be flexible and I couldn’t get childcare due to that.