Should I have been informed?

[HereForTeaAndCake]

DS10 was invited to a friend's house for the day but it turns out the children spent most of their time wandering the street unsupervised, calling on friends etc. I was not consulted and DS has no phone and has only recently been ready for playdates without me. I only learned of how little time he spent at said friend's house when he was picked up. AIBU to think that I should have been given the choice?

Yanbu

this exact same thing happened with my DD when she’d just turned 10. I was not happy and she hasn’t been back to that person’s house.

"About 15 minutes walk away...
I just felt that a quick msg from the mum to check if I'm ok with it would have been polite/reasonable."

So if the mum had called & asked you what would you have said?

If you want to know exactly what they'll be doing, where and when they you should have asked.

I’d be the same. I like to know where my kids are. When I’m in charge I’d other kids I always check with their parents that they’re happy for their child to go to x with mine if unsupervised etc & I’d expect the same. My 12 year old daughter went on a sleepover & told me how she had fun in the local woods the next day. I wasn’t happy but could see how it happened; her friend is older and naturally has more freedom. She now knows to text or phone me when expected plans change and always does now. You sound like a great Mum. It’s a difficult thing to navigate and can cause a lot of anxiety at times. 😘

Absolutely no being unreasonable. My son is 12 and allowed out but during the time when some were and some weren’t, parents always checked with each other and respected that.

One of my son’s friends (also 12) isn’t yet allowed out without an adult and I go with them if he’s over.

I wouldn’t dream of letting someone else’s child I was meant to be looking after out without knowing it was ok with the parents.

Op, should people be reading between the lines when you mention anxieties? Is there more to it than you’d like to say?

And no, I don’t think you were being unreasonable to think you should have been told the kids would be out wandering about.

18 months is a long time at his age, he'll be a lot more mature by the time he goes to secondary school. A lot depends on where you live. We lived in London and my children did go to our local shop at this age, but certainly didn't wander the streets, unsupervised, in a pack. All the more so if your child didn't know the area.

I agree with you OP - for me, 10 us still too young. My son didn't have a mobile phone until he turned 11 and was just about to go off to secondary school, and I think far too many children have phones far too young! So 11 was when my son started being dropped into the village (we live on a farm) to either meet up with friends at the playground or to go to a friend's house where it was likely they might then go and call for other friends or walk to the village playing field. That felt like the right age for us. He was very much more mature at 11 than he was at 10, and actually he's a very independent resourceful child generally, living on a farm he roams for hours playing in the fields either by himself or with his younger sibling - sometimes playing, sometimes helping out with chores. So it was nothing to do with him not being capable of being alone, but more whether he was resilient enough to make good decisions and behave responsibly even if perhaps his friends weren't, or if something went wrong. The same rules will apply to our younger child as well.

So in answer to the original.question, yes I would have wanted to be informed or rather asked before another parent decided it was ok for my child to wander about the streets. Luckily the parents of my sons friends never put us in this position, in the same way that if their children were coming here to play, I made sure the boys all stayed in the fields surrounding the farmhouse where I could keep an eye on them, instead of going further afield like my children are allowed to do. Farms can be dangerous places if you don't know what you're doing, and I am ultimately responsible for the well being of the visiting children.

My dc is ten and regularly goes around the village to the park and to the shops with his friends.

He's very sensible and we're in the lucky position that he knows tons of people around the village that he can call on.

He regularly calls home to check in, I can track his phone and he has a set time to be home. I am always at home when he's out and would drop everything to pick him up if needed.

He will be going to secondary school in September. He needs to build his independence.

P.S. I was allowed to roam free as a child but only when I stayed with my Grandparents. At home, I had to stay on the street. Always. I loved the freedom at my Grandparents’ house. I went into so many unfamiliar houses during the summer hols and witnessed a microcosm of life, including watching a couple have sex in a garden. I was only 9. That was just a corner of what I experienced. 90% of it was ok though. I hear what you’re saying. It’s knowing WHERE he is not whether or not he’s permitted to have more freedom. X

My DC is 9 and they certainly won’t be wandering the streets in a year’s time. One of their best friends is in the year above and they don’t wander the streets either.

OP, YANBU.

I do think he is being a bit babied tbh. Not that I am being critical, as where you live etc is so important here. It is probably a bad idea to ask others really, as everyone will consider their area and none of that is relevant to you.

I live in a rural village, children roam in a small area at 10 and adults keep an eye. Not even just parents, all the adults would be contacting parents with any worry.

My son is 6, so he goes out alone and unsupervised only in the area I can watch from my window (a playground is there, so it is not like he has a patch if tarmac road). He thinks it unfair as most kids can roam the whole wee estate (made of one road, three streets off, maybe 60 houses in total.)

It is hard. I posted here and was basically told that unless I stand and watch, doing absolutely nothing else, I am a terrible parent, but then around here, I am weirdly strict.

Just do what you find works for you. If you are uncomfortable, it is not ok.

If I had friends of my son over for a play dare they would be completely supervised, taken out, fed etc. No i wouldn't expect them to be wandering the streets, they would be my responsibility and I would be there the whole time. Would expect the same for reverse, 10 year old boys are generally immature and can't be left to their own devices really IME. Girls may be more mature but also would be the same. X

Do you know that your DS's friend doesn't already know how to find a safe adult or who to contact? My DD 10 goes off with her friends on bikes etc if there was a problem they would come back to the house and have done in the past.

obviously op's son enjoyed it and had an amazing time because she refuses to reply to the many comments asking if he liked the freedom, he'll probably always have anxiety op, he just ,like he did at his friends, needs to work through it in stages. also you don't know that your son's friend didn't know how to find a safe adult, you allow the same thing when his friends come to yours but more confined

Of course they shouldn’t have allowed other people’s children out alone without the parents’ knowledge and consent. Imagine if something had happened. I was always far more careful with other people’s kids, and pets, than my own! Your child, your decisions. When you choose to give them more freedom and choices is down to you.
Having said that, one of mine watched 18-rated shark attack film at one friend’s house, aged about five! Would have rather that had not happened!

I’m sure the OP would have said if they were in London. 18 months is the max he could be probably be before going to secondary school, he is likely much closer to 11.

I'm going to say YANBU here. I do think the adult should have messaged/called you just to check it was OK for him to go out.

10 is a funny age where children do start gaining more independence for secondary school. My son is also the same age but he has a phone and has just started walking back from school/meeting friends for an hour.

My 10 year old is allowed to go roaming around unsupervised with friends. Started in the summer when she turned 10. She’s had an old phone for year or so and got her own new phone in the summer ready for y6. She’s not walking to and from school and her friends live kind of between our house and the school - 10-15 minutes away. Near the school is the local play park as well so they will have a wander over there. In the summer they would go to a park nearer my house but it’s gradually gotten further. Where we live most places can be got to via a cycle track so not loads of busy roads. Estate roads yes. She takes her phone and has strict rules about where she can go. She will text me if she’s going somewhere different to ask first. They’re pretty sensible. They came back to my house one day from the park as some older teens were hanging about smoking and swearing and they didn’t like it. I can also track her on her phone as well. She’s not allowed out of her phone is very low on battery and mist wait too it’s pretty much fully charged so she has to learn to plan. She sometimes also takes her bank card out with her now so she can go to the local shop. Next phase for her will be allowing her to go up to the local shopping centre just a bit further out but still via cycle tracks. It’s only 7 months til she’s off to high school and walking there and back herself and being left home a couple of hours a couple of days a week.

On the other hand, my 13 year old doesn’t much like hanging out with friends out of school. She’s autistic, very sensible and gets stressed in some situations. She does occasionally go out but not that often. She didn’t get the practice aged 10 to hang out and find her way about as it was during Covid when hanging out in groups was banned and she is a rule follower. She does manage to walk to and from school herself though, with the occasional detour to the shops some days.

* she’s now walking to and from school (rather than not)

@Frozenpizza

Not alone. In a group of friends. Quite normal in the nice small town in which we live. Other parents happy to do the same. .

My god I'd hit the actual ROOF!!!!! Sorry buts just not safe out there anymore. Not like it was when we were kids. Nope. They put your son's life at risk

You should’ve been told and had the choice to say yes or no. I think that’s really bad of those parents to let the kids wander around and it sounds really far from what you’ve said.

I ALWAYS check with a parent and I completely agree as to why it has upset you.

Yanbu x