To never let dd out to play

[Rainbowdrops2021]

Dd is 8 and has recently started being knocked for and it’s shocked me, I wasn’t ready. I’ve told her she can have friends in and play in the garden and she’s now aloud to walk to a house a few doors down from ours but that’s it. She isn’t aloud to play in the street unsupervised and I don’t ever want her to. People always ask what is the right age to let them out to play but I don’t really want dd loitering around the area ever, as she gets older she will turn into one of those kids that the parents have no idea where they are or what they’re up to. She goes to dance and has friends and cousins over and we go to their houses, we take her to the park and out and about all the time but I just don’t think I’ll ever want her out unsupervised. So AIBU and has anyone else done this with their children? I should add my parents were really slack and never knew where I was and as I got older I would drink and get into trouble I think this might also be why I feel this way.

Not at 8. I think 12/13 as other posters have said is a reasonable age to allow some freedom and trust. Sara Payne was 8, it’s an absolute no from me. Yes it’s rare, but it’s not a risk I’m willing to take with my children.

My DD would have gone with her friend to the park when she was 8. At 12 she got the train to the city for a birthday party with a group of friends and at 16 went to New York on a 6th form trip where they were pretty much left to their own devices during the day. I think if you put measures in place to mitigate the risk while giving them freedom, that is fine. All depends on where you live though I suppose.

I definitely lied to my parents to avoid their constant desire to police what I did. As a result they had no idea where I was or what I was doing - they just thought they did.

I wasnt getting up to much. Just hanging about with friends, chatting.

Antisocial behaviour of unsupervised teens is just one part of it but the bigger part is her safety. Grown women get hurt and abducted a child doesn’t stand a chance. Maybe as she gets older I will relax a bit but having her suddenly be asked out to play I just don’t feel ready and I don’t feel that she is ready and it’s given me a lot to think about. My upbringing does have an impact on how I feel about it all as well, I was aloud out and I got up to all sorts and put myself in some really dangerous situations my parents had no idea at all and the thought of dd doing that scares me. I even remember frequently going to a neighbours house when I was around 6 he was an old man who would had out snacks and let us build dens and he was literally naked all the time, I never told my mum. When they aren’t with you can’t ever really know what they’re doing or if they’re safe you can have the most mature 8/ 10/ 12 year old in the world but you can’t protect them when they’re unsupervised.

My DD was playing out on our quiet close from
age 6 with her friends who were between 6 and 10. They used to play cricket, football, curby, hide and seek and tag.

When we moved to our current home she was 8 and she played out from day 1 - before the unpacking had even started - on the playing field in front of our house, in the park, the tennis courts and the trees. They had Nerf wars, played Tracker, built dens and treehouses and yes, just sat and did nothing on top of the climbing frame! On a good day there was probably 10-15 of them, on bad day maybe just a couple, ranging from 6 to 16!

She’s never been in trouble, and as far as I’m aware neither have any of her friends. It meant that when she started the High School she already knew people there, they were on the same bus and already friends.

I’ve never been sadder than when it all stopped over Covid. And watched my confident, energetic, confident child turn into a shell of herself.

Not at 8. It doesn’t happen much round here until they’re about 11 and then it’s sort of going to the park, riding bikes etc. I won’t like it even then but I think I will have to put up with it.

@NoGoodUsernamee I think you’re right I need to give it a while and come back to the idea when she’s a bit older. I have told her no for now anyway. She’s had her friends in over half term instead and they’ve been playing in the garden and in her room we’ve had a chat about how I don’t want her out yet and she has agreed and understands why. There is a little ally at the end of our cul de sac that leads right to the woods as well which makes me uncomfortable.

OP you know there’s a middle ground. My parents booked me up for lots of planned/improvement activities. But when I had free time one of the neighbour kids might knock for me and we’d all go out and play together on the street. The rule was we weren’t allowed to go beyond the street boundary (street was quiet and had about 60 houses).

Older kids looked out for younger ones. Parents popped their head out the door every so often to check we were ok. We mainly rode our bikes, skipped, kicked a ball about or swapped stickers/football cards. All very innocent and harmless.

I learnt a lot of social skills through those playtimes and built a lot of confidence. It certainly didn’t harm me - I’m now a successful professional and no longer hang out in the street!

I think 8 is too young.

I was like you when my dc were young. The thought of them going out/playing outside alone out of might sight made me feel sick but then Ds went to high school and I had to trust him. He's now 13 and is always out with friends and I've learnt to relax and accept it as long as he lets me know where he is.

I definetely think 8 years is too young though

@Deadringer hahaha hopefully she will be like yours 😂

Yanbu I agree.No need to be roaming the streets for no reason

She is not going to thank you for your own anxiety.

A quiet estate is not the same as living in the Bronx.

8yr olds don't loiter, they play, they bike etc.

I live on a main road in London my kids don’t play out no kids do, it’s not normal in my bit

Our children were never allowed to just roam around our local streets while they were at primary school and neither were many of their friends. Instead they had friends over, or they went to play at friends' houses. They had sleepovers, went to Brownies and played in local sports teams, so it's not like they weren't thoroughly socialised into the community. Once they went to secondary school then naturally they had much more freedom but even then you wouldn't ever have found them just roaming the streets at night. They socialised at friends' houses, or the cinema, gym or sports clubs.

They've still managed to become well rounded adults living independent lives.

I don’t know where people live however where I live, it’s a close and there’s no children under 10 playing around on the streets even though there’s lots of them living here.
They start doing that when they have phones and most times it’s when they’re in year 6 or secondary school.
You do what feels write for your family. My dd is 9 and she mostly have structured play like playing in the garden with her friends, play dates, etc but not outside where there’s no one supervising as sometimes, some people speed into this close when they’re driving and also, the nearest decent park is almost 20 mins walk with 2 roads to cross so I don’t feel comfortable leaving her alone yet

Good grief I was getting the bus into the next town (SE London) 8 miles away shopping at that age.

You're writing as though it's a choice between never letting her leave your house and garden or completely abandoning all responsibility.

At 8 and living in a quiet cul-de-sac the normal response is to let her out to play only where you can see her from the kitchen window (ir whichever window overlooks the cul-de-sac). Obviously she will need help understanding how that translates to the outside space, so you tell her "absolutely no going inside anyone's house or garden without coming home to ask and me saying it's okay. Stay between Lucy's house and Oli's; if you see the post box or the Harris' gate you're too far away. " Or whatever.

The kids who get in trouble are the ones who's parents treat them like preschoolers until they're 11 then suddenly go from that to expecting them to take three buses and cross a main road by themselves to get to and from school and come home to an empty house when they start year 7.

Independence needs to be built up very gradually so little lessons, rules and competencies can be internalised and become second nature.

I grew up in a cul-de-sac & all the children were playing outside. It was why my parents & a lot of the other families had bought their houses there. It was a safe area to play in & we knew not to leave the road.
We also played in each others gardens but for riding bikes, the road was best.

When they aren’t with you can’t ever really know what they’re doing or if they’re safe you can have the most mature 8/ 10/ 12 year old in the world but you can’t protect them when they’re unsupervised.

Which is why you need them to gradually develop the skills to keep themselves safe. And playing out in a cul de sac (you can keep an eye out looking out of the window to start with) is an ideal, safe, familiar environment that she can start.

So when she goes into town with friends, how do you know that they'll not be loitering on benches?

@Bookist this is exactly what I mean. She has close friends and lots of cousins that she sees all of the time, she goes to a dance class once a week where she checks in there’s a cafe inside and she can socialise there too and I have no problem with having her friends round pretty much when ever.

I get it's worrying being a parent but some of my happiest childhood memories were as a child/teen care free going out with friends, sometimes just walking the streets chatting away!. Unless you're prepared to have a group of kids in your house as she grows surely it's a normal part of kids socialising and having friends.

Kids need to develop their freedom and doing it gradually from a young age helps. Letting them "play out" doesn't mean roaming the streets looking for trouble, it's running around, biking, rollerblading, climbing trees or even just sitting on a bench catching up with friends.

When to start giving them that freedom is a difficult decision to make sometimes. My eldest is 8 this year and I hate him being out of my sight. We live on a dead end cul-de-sac with a small kids park right next to my house so it is the perfect chance to give him that freedom and trust he stays in the park. I'm not quite ready yet but I'll leave him to play and check on him every minute.

At the same age I was definitely playing in my school playground which was across the road from my house, further than the park is currently and I was for the most part sensible and did as I was told.

I don't think my area growing up was any safer than my kids area is now, I think perhaps I'm just a bit too anxious. This morning I lost him in the school playground whilst we waited for the gates to open. I couldn't help but start to think about all the things that could have happened (he had run off/been taken, both highly unlikely!!) but it's not going to do us any favours in the long term so I need to start loosening the reins a bit.

Grown adults come to harm either by accident or something more sinister but we don't stop them from going out alone. As a parent all we can do is give our child age appropriate freedom, teach them about danger and hope nothing bad happens.

At 8 YANBU but it is going to happen at some point. It’s really unreasonable to never expect her to just go “out”. She will lose out on friends.

Mine started at 8 as we have a green out the back and he spends most summers outside playing games and sports. It is good for learning so many skills and behaviours.

Do you let her go to friend’s houses ?