To never let dd out to play

[Rainbowdrops2021]

Dd is 8 and has recently started being knocked for and it’s shocked me, I wasn’t ready. I’ve told her she can have friends in and play in the garden and she’s now aloud to walk to a house a few doors down from ours but that’s it. She isn’t aloud to play in the street unsupervised and I don’t ever want her to. People always ask what is the right age to let them out to play but I don’t really want dd loitering around the area ever, as she gets older she will turn into one of those kids that the parents have no idea where they are or what they’re up to. She goes to dance and has friends and cousins over and we go to their houses, we take her to the park and out and about all the time but I just don’t think I’ll ever want her out unsupervised. So AIBU and has anyone else done this with their children? I should add my parents were really slack and never knew where I was and as I got older I would drink and get into trouble I think this might also be why I feel this way.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. 8 is far too young??? I can't believe people are saying she should be allowed unsupervised at 8 years old in parks etc. it's far too dangerous. Obviously by the time she's teenage age, you'll have to let her out but that's far away. Don't listen to other people - you're doing the right thing. Her safety is more important than playing on streets, and I don't see the issue with having friends round the house or taking them out to the park?? Just give them their own space and watch them and it's the same thing really.

I agree with you op, 8yrs is too young.

Mine were 12/13 and started going to the cinema (dropped off and collected) and shopping - out for sushi, started slowly and built up to bigger things like a shopping afternoon. My teens are very independent and aware, it’s done them no harm whatsoever being careful in the younger years. There are far too many weirdos around I am afraid.

Most 8 yr olds wouldn’t know how to handle being approached or an emergency. They are much too young to be aware of the people around them or the potential consequences of a lone male being in the park or parked on their street.

We are seeing record numbers of men being prosecuted for exposure, child abuse images and/or child abuse and knife crime. Why on earth would you risk your children in this way? It’s bloody dangerous these days.
It is not the 1970s anymore.

I think 8 is too young. My dc are 9 and 11. They walk to the shop together, and my 11 year old has been down the park with his friend once. I don't live on an estate where they can go out to the street to play. I always think of poor April Jones who went out to play and was abducted at 5.

🙄

At an age appropriate time when they have grown up a little.

I played out pretty much daily age around 9 to early teens. It did me a world of good to be out there fending for myself and using my imagination.

I was always an incredibly studious, shy and awkward child and it didn't make me a 'street corner / naughty behaviour' kind of kid at all! I really was the polar opposite of this in every way, loved school and never in trouble etc. I think you need to let go of this idea that there is such a definite direct link.

My favourite game was riding around pretending my bike was a horse.

Also when we chose our house whether our kids could play out in the area was a deal breaker, that's how important it is to us now as parents! But each to their own.

@Blessedwithsunshine so many people have said it’s damaging but I’ve also read a lot of posts like yours and I’ve realised it doesn’t matter what others think I prefer this approach much more to letting her out to get street smart and socialise. The person that posted they work in a prison and if I knew what some of the offenders were in for I wouldn’t let her out said it all to be honest.

In the 70s of course when mothers did not work at all and certainly most didn’t work full time, and there were many more adults around and the internet was not churning out masses of disgusting child abuse images. Idyllic days that have long since passed.

Mine are 5 and 7 and play out the front with the neighbour's kids. We live in a quiet cul-de-sac too and I watch them out of the window, as do the neighbours.
When old enough I'll definitely let them just go and hang out with their mates. It's a completely normal part of growing up.

@Blessedwithsunshine not in my area, kids play out constantly and without complication - that's a main reason we chose the area!

My dc weren’t allowed out ‘to play’ at that age, we live on a main road and there is a park about a mile away if you take a route down an overgrown canal and round the back of a cemetery or a park about half a mile away but you need to cross 3 main roads to get there. Not at 8.
They were allowed friends round to play, we had a trampoline and pool etc in the garden, or I took them to the park but no, not allowed out to play without a responsible grown up around at age 8.
Responsibility builds slowly, in stages, small
steps leading up to bigger things.
I was allowed out to play at about 5 without adults around, we grew up on an army estate which my parents felt was very safe, anyone coming in and out was a known resident with a family etc and cars were permitted to drive at about 0.5mph 😂 there was so much green space. I feel sad my kids didn’t have that kind of growing up but they were just totally different circumstances.
when my older 2 were about 6 and 7 we went and visited friends who lived on an estate, very quiet (not military) and again, slow cars. Their kids asked if mine wanted to go out - I looked a bit panicked but the parents told me that they’re always a few parents about and that it was really safe so I just let them. They had a wonderful time and still talk about it now even 10 years later! That makes me sad that something I totally
took for granted wasn’t freely available to them.

Children don't learn independence by just being left out to roam the streets, they don't learn anything like that. I mean if that's how you learn to cross the road then half of them would be dead. You learn how to cross the road and other skills that lead to independence by someone teaching you. I was never left to roam and DS has never been left to roam, he had no problem getting the bus too and from school though because we taught him what he needed to do. It's a very bizarre idea to me that children learn anything by just being left to their own devices. In fact they'll probably be 'learning' from the older kids who are also just left to roam and god knows what they'll be 'learning' from them.

I think you are right. I would be the same. I don’t want my kids wandering around in groups of kids of all
ages. The times when the worst things happened to me was the times I was unsupervised in groups of kids of varying ages.

@Rainbowdrops2021 - do you trust the way you have raised your dd - the standards of behaviour and respect that you have taught her? I assume the answer to this is a resounding ”Yes!” That being the case, why would you think that she would immediately abandon all those standards, manners etc as soon as she gets some independence?

I raised three boys, all of whom went out with their friends when they were teenagers, and I trusted them - and trusted that dh and I had done a good job of bringing them up to be decent, respectful, reasonably well behaved individuals - and they did not let us down.

You will only notice the troublesome teens, the ones acting up, spitting, behaving anti-socially - but I believe that they are not the majority, and that you simply don’t see the groups of nice teens because they are not forcing themselves on your attention.

Of course it is a gradual process, not least because it is a big step for us as parents to loosen the reins and give our kids some independence, but it is a vital,part of raising a well rounded, mature person.

Yes I work in a similar role, and it is astounding just how many sadistic, despicable peados and sec offenders that are around, even in the most upmarket of location, and just how many there are - it’s staggering. Many appear so nice and upstanding. Spend one day doing my job and I guarantee no parent would let their young (under 12/13 yrs) out ever again roaming the streets or parks. I can’t believe people are prioritising this mythical ‘freedom’ over common sense and safety.

Children have all the time in the world to learn the skills required to be safe in the outside world, they don’t need to start at 8yrs old!

Stick to your guns op, tell the friends parents straight that your child won’t be playing outside until xx such a time, so it might be better if they explained this to their children so they understand and stop asking.

Be confident in your decisions and instincts when it comes to your dd.

There are plenty of posters on here now that have said their children weren’t aloud out in the way I’m suggesting and instead went to sporting activities, sleep overs the cinema ect and they have turned out to be fine well rounded adults and there are other posters who live in streets where their kids can’t go out, it isn’t going to damage them. Walking around their area is not the only way for a child to learn how to socialise.

**Sex offenders

Sorry I don't want to be the SPAG police, but I have to say it's allowed not aloud.

Anyway good luck in whatever you do with DD in the future, I'm sure she'll be fine.

There is a huge difference between playing in a safe cul de sac in a quiet estate and 'roaming the streets'. But everyone has to decide these things for themselves, it doesn't really matter what others think.

Yes at 8 years old. Which is too young.

but you cannot keep her in forever. Your role isn’t to protect her from the world it is to give her the tools and means to protect herself and that involves trusting her and yourself.

it doesn’t feel right now - that’s fine she is 8. But at some point it will and you need to have faith in that. It will be a balancing act but you cannot keep her in forever

Even the quietest areas and villages are a risk at 8yrs, they have no or very little comprehension of risk.

A wonderful childhood is made up of sleepovers, camping in the garden/outside around fire pits, running free with parents nearby but not directly involved, paddling pools, picnics in the woods and den building, summer in the play parks, paddling in streams, learning about nature. Building close and enduring friendships - none of which requires a young child to be left to their own devices and roaming the streets.

Later on you will be glad you took this position because playing football and hanging out at the park soon gives way to underage drinking, smoking, under age sex, drugs and in some areas gang crime and country lines. Most parents won’t have the first idea of what really goes on.
If you are going to let her play out, you won’t be able to stop her when she is 13/14 - by setting some boundaries now, you will keep her safe in her vulnerable teenage years when ‘being free’ takes on a whole new meaning, and the kind of experiences would you much prefer she wasn’t exposed to.

• county lines

At 8, fine, but you need to give her some freedom as she gets older.

It sounds like you were neglected, and understandably that has had an impact on how you parent as you don’t want the same for your DD. But you are not going to neglect here. There is a huge gulf between not caring where your (older) daughter is and letting her run wild (which is what your parents did), and at the other end of the spectrum giving some freedom and guidance and showing an interest in what your child is doing.