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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never let dd out to play

253 replies

Rainbowdrops2021 · 15/02/2023 16:33

Dd is 8 and has recently started being knocked for and it’s shocked me, I wasn’t ready. I’ve told her she can have friends in and play in the garden and she’s now aloud to walk to a house a few doors down from ours but that’s it. She isn’t aloud to play in the street unsupervised and I don’t ever want her to. People always ask what is the right age to let them out to play but I don’t really want dd loitering around the area ever, as she gets older she will turn into one of those kids that the parents have no idea where they are or what they’re up to. She goes to dance and has friends and cousins over and we go to their houses, we take her to the park and out and about all the time but I just don’t think I’ll ever want her out unsupervised. So AIBU and has anyone else done this with their children? I should add my parents were really slack and never knew where I was and as I got older I would drink and get into trouble I think this might also be why I feel this way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowdrops2021 · 15/02/2023 17:26

Yes it is intimidating to little kids when there’s 14 year old sat all over the play equipment in the park!

OP posts:
waterrat · 15/02/2023 17:26

I find it so sad that people would assume a 13 year old in a park is causinf trouble

Where should the 13 year old be ? They have as much right as younger children to be social in public places and 13 year olds are active and playful ! Given the chance

Would people prefer they stay in their rooms ?

We should build better play spaces and they could suit 13 year olds as well

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/02/2023 17:26

Rainbowdrops2021 · 15/02/2023 17:22

@RedToothBrush I said I don’t mind her going out with her friends to town as she gets older or the cinema dance class or a sleep over ect but I don’t want her loitering around the street, benches and parks just walking around with no where to be.

Im confused. I think it’s great if a child is walking around as long as they’re in a safe area and not behaving antisocially. In lockdown 2, dd was in year 8, she was walking around with a friend in freezing weather as this was the only way she could see someone due to the outside rule of 2.

And yes, @RedToothBrush deja vu. There were 2 similar threads yesterday including the park one.

Original poster
Rainbowdrops2021 · 15/02/2023 17:27

@Hesma I think you’re right

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 15/02/2023 17:28

I don’t think children and young teens are emotionally mature enough to handle conflicts and danger ect they are vulnerable that’s why I don’t want her out.

Thay haven't a hope of learning either if theyre kept in til adulthood.

She can be in just as much danger at home online...or in a friends house.

Original poster
Rainbowdrops2021 · 15/02/2023 17:29

@waterrat they just sit in large groups in the equipment and don’t move so no younger children get a turn, they don’t use it just sit there usually swearing and spitting.

OP posts:
TheOrigRights · 15/02/2023 17:29

Botw1 · 15/02/2023 17:20

@TheOrigRights

'Vaping/smoking, looking at porn on their phones, drinking energy drinks.'

Kids can do all that in the comfort of their bedrooms too

Sure. I'd know if he was vaping as I wfh. We have a small house and I go past his room when I'm up and down using the loo.
I guess he could be getting up at night and puffing away, but I think I'd smell the vapour at some point.
I'd be surprised if he's chugging energy drinks as his bedroom is such a mess I'd trip over the cans. He also one had one by accident - we bought what we thought was a sport drink (sugary) before a football match, but it turned out to have caffeine. We didn't realise until he'd come off the match part way through feeling terrible. It put him off.
Porn I don't know. I accept porn is a normal curiosity. I am very uncomfortable with what's out there and so easily accessible. It's not like finding a magazine under your teenager's mattress anymore, is it.

Anyway, I didn't mean to derail - just addressing points directed at me (or my comments I suppose).

RedToothBrush · 15/02/2023 17:29

but honestly what good is it to a 13 year old hanging out on a bench or by the shops or in the park sat on the equipment intimidating little kids

Do you think thats what kids do?

Sitting on the equipment at the park intimidating little kids? Where are the little kids parents in this? Cos obviously these little kids being intimidated are totally unaccompanied...

I think 'loiter' and 'intimidate' have almost become by words for 'existing' for adults who don't like children of a certain age?

Many kids don't have other things to do or other places to go. It doesn't mean they are doing anything wrong.

Are adults stood at the school gates 'loitering' and 'intimidating' old people who live near by. Or intimidating the little kids on their way to nursery next door?

The comment is utterly ridicilous.

If the kids are harassing people or otherwise engaging in actual antisocial behaviour (such as criminal damage or drug use) thats a different thing.

But the number of adults who think children shouldn't be allowed in public without an adult until age 18 is nuts. And the number of threads with this view being expressed is kinda scary.

titchy · 15/02/2023 17:29

Rainbowdrops2021 · 15/02/2023 17:22

@RedToothBrush I said I don’t mind her going out with her friends to town as she gets older or the cinema dance class or a sleep over ect but I don’t want her loitering around the street, benches and parks just walking around with no where to be.

What's the difference if she's gone to town with friends?! Do you want a specific list of shops they'll be looking at?!

titchy · 15/02/2023 17:30

Rainbowdrops2021 · 15/02/2023 17:24

@MyMachineAndMe I don’t think children and young teens are emotionally mature enough to handle conflicts and danger ect they are vulnerable that’s why I don’t want her out.

And they learn those skills how.....?

MrWhippersnapper · 15/02/2023 17:31

Are you still going to be supervising her when she’s 16 ?

Notimeforaname · 15/02/2023 17:32

I said I don’t mind her going out with her friends to town as she gets older or the cinema dance class or a sleep over ect but I don’t want her loitering around the street, benches and parks just walking around with no where to be.

Well you cant know where she is all the time as she gets older.

Anyway she can tell you shes at the cinema and then just go hang out anyway. Unless you're planning to hang around the cinema n spy when shes a teen.

watcherintherye · 15/02/2023 17:32

My GC 8.5, will be going to a bit of land a couple of minutes walk away to play this summer. Last year I took a garden chair and sat with them.

I’m imagining you sitting on your chair perched on a hummock of grassed-over rubble on a patch of derelict ground! Not a park, then?

waterrat · 15/02/2023 17:32

@Rainbowdrops2021 i understand but thr answer is more support and spaces that suit all ages. Early teens kids need the chance to take small risks...develop socially not akways be with their parenrs.

The way humans evolved ...teens are pulling away natural from parents

Where are the youth clubs or big adventure play spaces for them ?

As a society we are seeing teens really lose the sort of independence they need to grow up into good adults !

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 15/02/2023 17:33

Mine are 9 and 11 now and have been playing out since the summer of 2020 so my youngest was 6 in the street, our garden, next doors garden and next door but ones.

They're now allowed to all go together to the park about a 2 min walk away. 9 yo wouldn't be able to go there alone without the older ones. All the kids play out here. It's Lovely. They're out now in fact !

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 15/02/2023 17:33

My children "played out" at primary age and definitely don't loiter in the street now in their teens.

Playing out was fantastic - it meant they knew the local children their age and got lots of fresh air instead of being indoors on screens.

My 17 year old is still best friends with a girl from down the road whom she played out with when she was little. They went for long walks together during lockdown and go to parties, the cinema, concerts, football training twice per week (they play for a women's team together) etc. together and go to one another's houses. I'm glad they're so close.

My 15 year old walks to school with the two boys who used to call for him and we car pool with one of the parents to his football matches, although outside football training and matches they don't hang around together so much and he's more of a home body these days or goes cycling with a different friend.

Your catastrophising about children who play out becoming children who loiter is as inaccurate and inappropriate as me trying to tell you that if you don't let her play out she'll be twenty stone and have no friends and no independence skills by the time she's 16...

TotalLackofSelfAwareness · 15/02/2023 17:33

Long ago I used to wander the streets and fields with a friend at 10 years old, her parents were very lenient, and it's something I often think about due to some strange characters we encountered, so no, I wouldn't let an 8 year old go off on their own, but 12 or 13 yes.

waterrat · 15/02/2023 17:33

A 13 or 14 year old is still a child but needs some independent time socially and its good for them to be outdoors. Many kids don't have money..they cant just sit indoors

RedToothBrush · 15/02/2023 17:34

waterrat · 15/02/2023 17:26

I find it so sad that people would assume a 13 year old in a park is causinf trouble

Where should the 13 year old be ? They have as much right as younger children to be social in public places and 13 year olds are active and playful ! Given the chance

Would people prefer they stay in their rooms ?

We should build better play spaces and they could suit 13 year olds as well

Local club that gets funding to be a youth club, but refuses to run a youth club on a friday is kinda special.

There's a skate board facility nearby. Its never used. Cos kids aren't into skateboarding (and it costs money to buy a board).

Youth activities generally cost money to run. Thats where it comes unstuck. There is no money. And there are volunteers to run them either.

Kids hang out in groups because adults think they are a nuisance and not worth investing in cos they hang about in groups doing nothing but 'loitering'...

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 15/02/2023 17:34

jtaeapa · 15/02/2023 17:03

It’s so bizarre that people let kids hang out in the street. Mine are teens now and they are perfectly happy with their freedom. They can go wherever they want really, as long as they have a plan/aim. Hanging around on the street just sodding about is ridiculous. My mil never allowed dh to do it, my mum never allowed me to do it. We never allowed our kids to do it.

Nothing 'bizarre' about it

Hankunamatata · 15/02/2023 17:36

You live in a quiet cul de sac then of course it's OK to play in the street at 8.

Hankunamatata · 15/02/2023 17:37

They can play out on bikes, scooters, swing ball, catch, etc

pointythings · 15/02/2023 17:38

When my kids were little I used to take them to the nearby playground. There were teens there. They were lovely - kept an eye on the little ones, pushed them (carefully) on the swings, alerted parents if there were any issues. I got to know them well. My two did the same when they hit that age. I really hate this perception of teens = badly behaved, intimidating, unpleasant.

DiddyHeck · 15/02/2023 17:42

as she gets older she will turn into one of those kids that the parents have no idea where they are or what they’re up to.

Well you're her parent OP, so that would be on you 🤷

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/02/2023 17:43

Rainbowdrops2021 · 15/02/2023 17:29

@waterrat they just sit in large groups in the equipment and don’t move so no younger children get a turn, they don’t use it just sit there usually swearing and spitting.

You’d probably be amazed if you used your words and ask them nicely if they would mind giving the little ones a turn.

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