To never let dd out to play

[Rainbowdrops2021]

Dd is 8 and has recently started being knocked for and it’s shocked me, I wasn’t ready. I’ve told her she can have friends in and play in the garden and she’s now aloud to walk to a house a few doors down from ours but that’s it. She isn’t aloud to play in the street unsupervised and I don’t ever want her to. People always ask what is the right age to let them out to play but I don’t really want dd loitering around the area ever, as she gets older she will turn into one of those kids that the parents have no idea where they are or what they’re up to. She goes to dance and has friends and cousins over and we go to their houses, we take her to the park and out and about all the time but I just don’t think I’ll ever want her out unsupervised. So AIBU and has anyone else done this with their children? I should add my parents were really slack and never knew where I was and as I got older I would drink and get into trouble I think this might also be why I feel this way.

It used to be completely normal and sadly has become seen as unusual...thst is in part as cars took over residential streets and kids all got tv and phone access that keeps them quiet in the house...

We know from the massive rise in online harm and grooming of children that the street is not the most dangerous place they can be

I agree that is is way too young but never is very PFB of you. Carry on as you are for now and try not to stress as she gets older. Baby steps OP… baby steps

What's wrong with an 8 year old scooting up and down a safe cul de sac with friends? What's wrong with a 12 year old meeting friends in town and window shopping with a possible maccies lunch?

I wouldn't an 8yo out on the streets without knowing where she was. My mum also never knew where I was. I was often not safe. Many situations that could have been seriously bad.

Not bizarre at all, we live on a quiet estate and mine played out on scooters etc

@TheOrigRights what do we all think he might be doing?

Vaping/smoking, looking at porn on their phones, drinking energy drinks.

I'm sure most parents of teenagers believe it's not their kids doing these things.

Is she allowed in other people’s houses and gardens if they are allowed in yours ? Or does it only work one way ?

@TheOrigRights do you restrict/check his phone at 13?

I'm with you on that OP

My eldest is 6 and very much doubt I'd be comfortable letting him play in the street at 8 years old. Once he's older and has his own phone/can make plans to meet up at friends houses or the park then I'll have to let him learn some independence. Probably sometime around 11, before high school. But with strict instructions to let me know roughly the plan/where they'll be, a time to be back by and with a fully charged phone that he'll answer if I call him. The world is a scary place and I'll always want to protect him (and his younger brother) but I know that if I don't let him out a bit then he'll no doubt resent me.

I played in the street with my friends and sisters from the age of about 6 in the 90s but I very much doubt my parents would allow that now or have allowed it if I didn't have older sisters. During my teen years, when I'd have been going out alone my parents were much stricter and I feel like I missed out on so much and never really got to make those lifelong friendships because of it. Plus I think it possibly added to my heightened anxiety about new places and things.

It's definitely about striking a balance and I think if you never want to let them put without supervision until an adult then yes, that is a bit unreasonable. Going out to play in the street at 8? No. Going out once a preteen/teenager and with a way to contact me should he need me? Yes.

She isn’t aloud to play in the street unsupervised and I don’t ever want her to.

Oh god. Its like the bleeding 6year old toddler and the Evil Rapist PreTeens thread all over again.

She's eight. She needs to learn independence at some point. At what point are you intending to let her leave the house without a chaparone? 16? 18? 21?

How will you cope with High School?

@TheOrigRights

'Vaping/smoking, looking at porn on their phones, drinking energy drinks.'

Kids can do all that in the comfort of their bedrooms too

People are saying their parents never let them out so they rebelled. I had the opposite and had no one check where I was or what I was doing and it was the same for all of my friends and I can tell you now that’s much more dangerous and damaging. I’m aware there is a middle ground here but honestly what good is it to a 13 year old hanging out on a bench or by the shops or in the park sat on the equipment intimidating little kids. I wouldn’t mind her going out with somewhere to actually be but not to just hang around. Also to add she’s an active child doesn’t just stare at a screen all day.

I remember once reading that kids have no road sense until about 8. I think 8 is still a little too young. Around here most kids started walking to school around Easter time in year 5 and by the summer most had mobile phones, they were playing out a little within a small area and most had to be in by a reasonable hour and definitely before dark. A few months into year 6 they started going into town. We live in a nice relatively safe area. Before the end of year 6 they are all organising their own social lives. Although I always asked for parents numbers for sleepovers.

Whereas, a work friend lives in a rougher area not too far away and she was still ringing primary school mums up to try and arrange tea, play, days out and sleepovers when her DS was in year 8 and 9. Her DD is in year 7 and she is still doing the same for her.

Its all about trust and giving them a little freedom, safely and seeing how they and you handle it and then building on it. You will both get there. Neither of my two hung around the streets when it was dark and none of their friends did either. But some kids did usually the ones whose parents didn’t give a you know what.

My kids play out on the street outside. They also hang around near the duckpond and by the church. They walk to and from the shop either alone or with their friends. I see nothing wrong with that; they're learning how to make friends, manage friendships and how to handle conflict with other kids whilst knowing they can come home at any time they need.

If you never allow your children out unsupervised, when are they ever going to learn how to look after themselves? When are they ever going to trust their own instincts? You'll just end up being known as, "X's mum; you know, the one who's never allowed out?" and your child will end up resenting your presence.

I remember when I was 12/13 my mom/nan would let me go out with friends on the estate but not into town (but was perfectly fine to catch two buses to the other side of town to get to school 🤔). So as soon as my friends would want to go out further, I'd have to come home. I did struggle to make and keep friends if I'm honest

To a degree.
I take it off him when he goes to bed.
He knows that if I suspect he is in some sort of trouble (receiving or giving) or using his phone inappropriately I will check it w/o his explicit permission.
We talk regularly.
He's nearly 14 which is somewhat different to just turned 13.

@RedToothBrush I said I don’t mind her going out with her friends to town as she gets older or the cinema dance class or a sleep over ect but I don’t want her loitering around the street, benches and parks just walking around with no where to be.

If you’re not careful you may well end up with a teen who lies about where she’s going

But not all 13 years old do that. DD went to the park for a walk and outside picnic with her friends yesterday and is off shopping with them tomorrow. I trust her and we have boundaries in place in terms of communication and how long out

hanging around can just mean freely chatting with friends face to face in the fresh air

but honestly what good is it to a 13 year old hanging out on a bench or by the shops or in the park sat on the equipment intimidating little kids

Every child who hangs around outside is intimidating little kids? Just coz you did that op, doesn't mean others do!

That's really sad.

And not healthy at all.

@MyMachineAndMe I don’t think children and young teens are emotionally mature enough to handle conflicts and danger ect they are vulnerable that’s why I don’t want her out.

I'm more worried about the dangers of unrestricted internet usage than I am letting my children out - they're being exposed to all kinds of stuff makes me really sad and worried

@Rainbowdrops2021 what is so bad about hanging out in the park, talking to friends, taking stupid selfies? Why should all social interactions have to have a purpose? Both my DC did a lot of aimless being with their friends. Those were some of their best times, and neither ended up a delinquent. You're projecting your past onto your DD's future. It's not a good idea.