To never let dd out to play

[Rainbowdrops2021]

Dd is 8 and has recently started being knocked for and it’s shocked me, I wasn’t ready. I’ve told her she can have friends in and play in the garden and she’s now aloud to walk to a house a few doors down from ours but that’s it. She isn’t aloud to play in the street unsupervised and I don’t ever want her to. People always ask what is the right age to let them out to play but I don’t really want dd loitering around the area ever, as she gets older she will turn into one of those kids that the parents have no idea where they are or what they’re up to. She goes to dance and has friends and cousins over and we go to their houses, we take her to the park and out and about all the time but I just don’t think I’ll ever want her out unsupervised. So AIBU and has anyone else done this with their children? I should add my parents were really slack and never knew where I was and as I got older I would drink and get into trouble I think this might also be why I feel this way.

@Rainbowdrops2021 I think you're being overprotective and overly fearful. Not all children who 'hang out' end up being abducted or act like little shits, in fact the majority do not. 8 is a good age to start letting her play out very locally in your close only with her friends. As she gets older, you widen those boundaries. You make sure you know her friends so you know she is hanging out with good kids. It'll be fine.

If you keep her leash too short, you risk her going off the rails when she's older and not using her freedom wisely. There's a balance to be had here; find it. Maybe seek out some support for your feelings of anxiety too.

And your kids pulled themselves out of that working class background and became a doctor and solicitor by hard work.

But they keep their friendships with their old working class pals.

Sounds like a vintage Mike Leigh film. Makes me feel all fuzzy inside! 😂

She isn't you - you are projecting your experiences onto her. Depending on where you are living you are going to isolate her where she wont develop independence appropriately nor experience neighbourhood friendships.

I and a large group of our neighbours played out and non of us went on to cause more trouble than a misplaced tennis/foot ball.

I would question the decline in children playing out - with the rise in anxiety ridden teens.

Maybe just she's allowed in the cul de sac but not past the end of the road? Some freedom with boundaries and can always revoke the privilege if she doesn't play by the rules

Fair enough at 8 but you really can't restrict her independence for ever. My daughter's 12 and will go to the park with friends. She's very recently started going to the city centre on the bus with friends. I can see how much this is helping her develop her confidence and independence. These are all useful life skills. All her friends are allowed to do this too. Do you really think you can keep her on such a tight leash when she's 14/15? No teenager will accept their parents only dropping them at the cinema and picking them up and never leaving them unsupervised ever! How stifling! How will she cope when she finally leaves home and goes to university or whatever?
Just hanging out with your mates when you're a teenager is one of life's great pleasures. And no, you don't always want to do it in a supervised way, in your home with your parents breathing down your neck.

It's not true that if they play out you won't know where they are when they are older. My dc all played outside from a fairly young age and now in their teens and 20s I can't get rid of the buggers.

Right now of course you aren’t unreasonable

never of course you are - it will be gradual from I think 11 to let her go to the park but once she is at High School of course you need too.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t let her out at all but I wouldn’t let her hang around outside for no reason.

My 13 yo is currently hanging around outside "for no reason". I dropped him in town at 1pm to meet friends. They'll play football, go to a mate's house, wander around town. I'm delighted he's out. The crucial years of starting to be given that independence and to solve small problems (phone out of charge, mate didn't turn up, realised didn't factor in lunch) were during lockdown for him, plus last year when I was at the end of my tether with him just not wanting to be out (almost like he didn't know how to).

I hope they're playing Fifa, listening to Spotify and buying Flumps from Home Bargains, but I think we all know what they might be doing. I'd rather he learns to navigate becoming a young man while I'm here and am setting the rules. He's earning my trust.

I could escort him to clubs and his friend's houses with exact times, but then he'd get to uni or the world of work and not have a clue what to do.

My children are 11 and 9 and they've been allowed to play outside for a couple of years now, we live rurally in a small village and there are several children on our street their age and who they go to school with and they all like to play outside our houses together. They are only allowed on the path inside our little estate, the 11yr old is allowed to cross the street to her friends house but has to tell us where she is going if she does go anywhere. The 9yr old has autism and ADHD so is only allowed out when others are out and I do keep a close eye on him!

It’s so bizarre that people let kids hang out in the street. Mine are teens now and they are perfectly happy with their freedom. They can go wherever they want really, as long as they have a plan/aim. Hanging around on the street just sodding about is ridiculous. My mil never allowed dh to do it, my mum never allowed me to do it. We never allowed our kids to do it.

We live in London, I don’t think i’d ever let my DC play out whilst we’re here.

You have to do what you feel is right. Don't listen to people saying she will have to before high school, that's another 3 years away she will develope a huge amount in that time.

(To add I played outside loads on my bike between the ages of about 6-10, but in a small town and in the 80s)

People seem to think that kids sitting on benches in town chatting away is aimless and serves no purpose. Aside from that fact that they might not have much money to do activities, as long as they're not bothering other people then let them just get on with it.

YAB somewhat U now, but the U will only increase as your daughter gets older.

She needs more freedom to learn how to navigate the world and become a rounded adult, and at some point she's going to want that freedom and you won't be able to stop her even if you wanted to.

There is a huge middle ground between the feral lives that some kids seem to lead and the sort of cloistered life you seem to want for your daughter. You cannot and should not keep her sheltered until she is an adult.

I feel very strongly about the loss of childrens independence to play with friends on their own streets

A cul De sac is exactly the ideal place to ket children begin developing independence with short periods of outdoor play

There are plenty of benefits...getting to know local children ...feelinf confident in themselves to manage new situations in a safe way. Less presssure for any one parent to have them in their garden or take rhem to park

How sad to see doorstep play as a negative when it represents a way of life and community experience that used to be completely Nirmal

If you got to know other parents you could all take turns keeping an eye out and create a safe atmosphere the children would really enjoy ..think of the pleasure of the kids out there having fun on a summer evening

Hanging about with pals is the plan/aim

Thats the point

Hanging out in the street is alao known as children and teens socialising and being playful in an independent way thst can change and grow as they get older

It's free..its better and healthier than watching tv or staring at their phones in a bedroom

Such judgement of outdoor socialising and play...yet as a society we allow children vast amounts of hours online or on phones at home

I know which I think is more damaging

Make her watch all the Charley cartoons first:

Why? Around here they are riding their bikes/scooters or playing with nerf guns etc!

I'm not going to allow my autistic 9yr old to go wherever he wants, there is an unfenced river going through our village and there are horses/cows and off-lead dogs on the moor, not to mention the massive increase in traffic. I also know from personal experience that there are plenty of creeps about. Tbh, if my children had more freedom I don't think my son actually would go anywhere by himself, as soon as he saw a dog he'd be running straight for home!

My parents always demanded a reason for being out even into my teens. So I went to a first aid course. It must have been the longest running first aid course in history.

It wasnt that I wanted to actually do anything I just didnt want to be constantly supervised. My parents were convinced that anyone not doing improving activities was up to no good.

As I got older I told my parents less and less. My relationship with my parents became very superficial and has stayed that way.

I used to go out and about roller skating but older than this. I think 8 is a bit young unless in a tiny cul de sac. We don’t live in that sort of road. Dd was playing at the park alone with friends in year 6 and her freedom slowly increased from there.

Mine are the same age and I don’t let them out (not that we live in an area where there are no other kids their age)

but even still - I would worry too much

@TheOrigRights what do we all think he might be doing?

My mind is blown. I had no idea kids still weren't allowed to play outside at 8 ! And it's a quiet cul de sac!

I think you're being overprotective and overly fearful
I second this.