To never let dd out to play

[Rainbowdrops2021]

Dd is 8 and has recently started being knocked for and it’s shocked me, I wasn’t ready. I’ve told her she can have friends in and play in the garden and she’s now aloud to walk to a house a few doors down from ours but that’s it. She isn’t aloud to play in the street unsupervised and I don’t ever want her to. People always ask what is the right age to let them out to play but I don’t really want dd loitering around the area ever, as she gets older she will turn into one of those kids that the parents have no idea where they are or what they’re up to. She goes to dance and has friends and cousins over and we go to their houses, we take her to the park and out and about all the time but I just don’t think I’ll ever want her out unsupervised. So AIBU and has anyone else done this with their children? I should add my parents were really slack and never knew where I was and as I got older I would drink and get into trouble I think this might also be why I feel this way.

Cos you engage with them, trust them, make sure you know what's going on in their lives, teach them street sense ....

...rather than just kicking out the door and not having a clue nor caring what they are doing.

I think you are spectacularly missing the point. Most girls are not raped in park by strangers! Certainly none of my friends were raped by strangers, it was almost always someone from our peer group. An older boy usually. Someone they trusted. Later on, it was men in cars ( early twenties) picking up off teen girls. There is not a chance a girl is at more risk in a supervised house!

My friends mum used to tell her if she went out alone she would be raped. She developed agrophibia, became a school refuser and failed her GCSEs.

Did your parents know who you were hanging out with? Did you talk to your parents about who you were with? Did your parents know the parents of the kids you were with?

How was your relationship with your parents?

I think this is the bit you are missing....

No I think 8 is too young. I couldn’t relax not keeping an eye on her 24/7. Maybe about 12/13 and even then I’d want her to have a phone so I could track her. Horrible stuff happens all the time and I’d rather be careful!

I think the bit you are missing is the essential point that parents are usually the last to know. You naively assume your children tell you everything, but do they really? What are they missing out? Who are they exposed to besides their friends? The ridiculous thing about this thread is the brass neck assumption you know exactly what your children are doing. Of course you do not. If this was remotely the case we would not being seen by record number of young people in the courts. By the time their parents discover the truth, it is much too late.

Every parent thinks their child is a responsible, upstanding young person until you get the first knock on your front door.

**Would not be seeing record numbers of young people in the courts

Bloody phone

But even with your approach how could you possibly know what they're doing all the time. At 16 will you walk them to school every day? Never allow them to be home alone? Expect friends parents to supervise? When you drop them at the cinema will they walk straight back out and jump in an older boys car?

@Blessedwithsunshine exactly this! Some people are saying that she isn’t going to be happy to stay in and play with mummy watching when she’s older but that isn’t what I’m saying. I’m talking about not having her hang around the streets, parks & benches ect but having somewhere to actually be a friends house, cinema
or clubs. There are plenty of parents that bring their children up like this my SIL mum included. Also I have about 4 very close friends who have children the same age and none of them let their 8 year olds out unsupervised.

And there are plenty who let their kids out to play as well. You posted and opened up the discussion. What was the point if you're so cemented in your views?

This is the point

There has to be a moment where you have to take a leap of faith that all the parenting you've done to that point has given them enough skills and wherewithal to make the right choices in life and to realise when the friends they've got aren't dreadful.

Generally speaking I do think parents have the ability to know whether who their child is hanging out with is toxic or not, even if they think the sun shines out the arse of their own offspring.

Kids who you don't know the parents of and you haven't met / know something about are where you should start worrying about who you child is with.

Indeed in some ways I think there's more to worry about with boys due to groups of lads coming into conflict with each other.

But you can't stop it either. Because it will happen when they are walking home from school or potentially bunking off school if it's going to happen.

You build a solid healthy relationship with your child so they do trust you with what's going on in their life.

You can't shelter them forever. Even if you want to.

@Rainbowdrops2021 I don’t believe anybody has said it’s weird to not allow your 8 year old play out. That’s perfectly reasonable. What sounds strange is the rest of your post saying you’ll never let your child play out.

But to be honest I don’t know what you wanted from this thread as you’ve clearly decided you’re right and at the end of the day who genuinely cares about what you want to do with your DC really?

Exactly what I have been trying to say, @RedToothBrush. There is such a big difference between an 8 year old and a 16 year old - and of course, that is hard to envision, when you have an 8 year old and no teenager - but that’s why I have tried to share my experience, as have others.

Exactly.

And part of the job is giving them the tools and experience to deal with the difficult situations that they will, inevitably, faced.

There are more and more young teens going to high school, and especially universities, massively ill equipped for what they are going to have to deal with solo.

You only have to see the “worried about leaving my nearly 17yo home alone” or the “would you let your 18yo go to a festival/gig without you?” threads on here to see it.

Those little squabbles and minor issues they encounter as children are where they learn.

As a rule, teachers know which kids are getting into trouble and are at risk. Because there are warning signs.

The idea that parents have no way of realising the same thing, if they are on the ball, involved and most importantly honest about their own kids, is daft as fuck.

The only pp left on this thread are the ones defending their decision to let their dc roam. Hey it’s up to you. It’s not my problem. I have nearly adult teens that are super independent, confident and smart and have never been near a park or hung out on street corners. Nor do they want to. It’s your choice how you wish your children to be, where they spend their time and that’s it.

There is an over confidence on here that pp ‘know’ their teens, but it’s all about the parenting but that means sweet FA on the streets. The best kids in the world have zero control over the world and society around them.

I didn’t say I’d drop her at friends houses when she’s a teenager. I will however call her and make sure she’s where she said she’s going and will do my absolute best to make sure she isn’t hanging around the streets. In my opinion by the time you’re past the age of about 14 you don’t want to hang around outside in the cold with nothing to do any way. She will push boundaries I’m sure, I had all of the freedom in the world and I still pushed it further.

Stick to your gun. Protect your child and never ever doubt your instincts op.

I thought this was about 8 year olds playing out not teenagers on street corners. Two very different things. Like other on here my kids played out, that means in front of my house and going across the road to a friends. Nothing to do with teenagers on street corners.

If the only pp on this thread are the ones defending their decision to let their dc roam, does that include you? Thought not.

@AllThingsServeTheBeam I didn’t actually realise I was so cemented in my views until I started this thread, I now feel more sure of my parenting choices because of the replies on here. People have given valid reasons for why they let their children hang out on the street in groups with their friends and that is their choice and I’m choosing to do it differently based on the reasons I and many other posters have stated. I’m sure it won’t be black and white and there will be different things to navigate but on the whole I know I will never be comfortable with her just hanging around the area with nothing to do.

One of my DDs friends actually was controlled like that till 18. First night at freshers she lost her virginity when very drunk. I think that was very sad.

@Blessedwithsunshine I will 😁. I’m not going to reply any more because for me this has served it’s purpose.

Hmm, I totally understand your feelings OP, but for me it would depend on the street. A quiet cul-de-sac doing some pavement chalking with sensible kids ... fine. A busy street with traffic and unpredictable kids ... not so good. Ultimately, it's up to you.

I think the problem with this thread is the OP saying about eight year old playing out and then going on to say she doesn't want her kids to EVER play out.

It's fairly reasonable age eight to have reservations and think it's a bad idea.

But it does change as kids get older.

And playing out seems to be being conflated with parental neglect and poor relationships between parent and child.

PS I haven't read all the thread, so apologies if my reply seems out of place.