DH miserable due to family daily routine. AIBU for sticking with it?

[legworker]

My lovely DH is in a grump. Our current family routine means that we (DH, me, 2x tween-teen DDs) are eating our evening meals separately three times a week. DH is upset that he "comes home to a house which is dirty and cold, no-one is home and the washing-up is not done so he can't make his tea." He has also commented that I am pushing him out of family life with this routine and my inflexibility.

Some facts:
DH works M-F 9-5 office job based a ten minute drive away. However he is usually not home until after 6pm.

I work from home Mon-Thu 8-4. I used to work M-F 9-3 when DDs were younger to fit around school hours. When DDs were very young (and I was in a previous role) I worked three days a week term-time only.

We are both qualified professionals, albeit in different fields, and have always had around the same FTE salary, although my take-home pay has been less in the years when I was more part-time.

DDs do a lot of sport. Three times a week, the kids and I eat at around 5pm. We all leave the house around 6pm and are home again by 9pm. The kids can't get themselves to training due to where DH and I have chosen to live, so I drive them there and back. In the 2 hours or so that they are training, I do the supermarket shop (twice a week), do my own sport with a club (twice a week), and go for a run with a friend (once a week). We have had this routine for the last 12 months, since younger DD moved to the same training schedule as older DD. Prior to this, I would drop older DD, return home for about 30 minutes (when I would see DH if he was home), drop younger DD and then do the supermarket shop (twice a week)/run with a friend (once a week) before returning home with both kids at 9pm.

DH plays one of his sports in a club on one of our 5pm tea evenings. His training session runs from 7-9pm and he arrives home after us that night. He sometimes has matches (home and away) on other nights of the week too, but not that frequently.

We have an old, large house that is hard to get/keep warm.

Some more objective viewpoints:
I do 99.99% of the food shopping, preparation of evening meals and clearing up. I also generally make breakfast (as we have the kind of breakfasts where it is more efficient to do it once for everyone, rather than a 'help yourself to cereal and toast' kind of breakfast) and am usually up 30 mins-1h before DH to fit in household chores before work.

I have always cooked meals for all the family and we have always tried to eat together. When the kids were very little, we would have tea relatively late (after 6pm ish) compared to friends so that we could all eat together. The other four days of the week, we eat later than 5pm so that we can all eat together as a family. On the three days of the week when DDs and I leave at 6pm, I leave DH's meal in the pan(s) to warm up, or he might have to quickly cook something slightly different to go with what has already been made due to dietary requirements/preferences across the family (e.g. he might have to cook some gluten-free noodles to add to the stir-fried meat and veg that we have already made, and eaten our share of, with wheat noodles). As time is tight, I don't generally have time to ensure every kitchen item is washed and put away before leaving the house at 6pm, but I do try to ensure that the kitchen is tidy enough to be functional. Some less-often used items that don't go through the dishwasher may sit next to the kitchen sink for a few days before being washed up by hand. Dishwasher is put on at least daily by me.

I do most of the other general housework (cleaning, laundry, putting bins out, looking after the animals) and life admin (utilities etc, school admin, sport admin for kids).

DH is very handy practically and does a lot of things that are outside my skill set. He does a lot of car, bike and house maintenance/improvements that most people would pay for. He mows the (very large) lawn in the warmer months, washes the cars and, periodically, the outsides of the windows. He does most of the heavy gardening. He does occasionally run the hoover round or wash up.

DDs make their own packed lunches, sort their own food for lunch if they are at home (weekend, holidays), get themselves to school and back, and keep their own bedrooms clean(ish!). They are both mature and independent (they keep on top of homework, take the right things to school on the right days, get their kit together for training and events and sort it out afterwards, put their dirty laundry in their laundry bin and collect and put away their clean laundry). On a quiet day at home, they may help with jobs around the house.

So, AIBU for making tea at 5pm three nights a week to accommodate our DDs' hobbies, and then using their training time to do the supermarket shop and do my own exercise?

And, more kindly, what do you think we (individually or as a family) could change to make my DH less miserable?

(Sporadic poster here; have namechanged for this.)

The real harm being done here OP is that you are role modelling this kind of relationship to your dds. They will likely choose life partners similar to your DH In behaviour and expectations. How will you feel about that?

The way you model a relationship is formative for your young dds.

It's DH who is behaving badly here but if you choose to accept this behaviour it will create consequences for your children.

Is there a reason why you are setting the bar so low with your DH? How was the relationship between your own parents?

^This

Everyone is saying it is for him to fix. Surely, as part of a couple it is for them both too. They both have to come to an agreement about what changes.
But you both have to want to fix. If one of you doesn't then it won't happen.

I cannot help feel from Legworks emails she actually doesn't want to be part of a couple anymore. And he suspects it. And that is at the root of things.

I also wonder whether the DD1 has read any of mumsnet and recognised her Mums posts. And the replies. I hope not.

I wonder if you realised while typing out your duties, that he could definitely be doing more, if you stopped doing everything you do, your household would fall apart! No one would eat, nothing would get washed up and rubbish would overspill, obviously your DDs sound like mini yous so would probably take over but what I’m saying is, he needs to change something to stop being miserable! How about he gets up early and makes breakfast with you/for you, he gets home earlier and maybe you and him can get dinner out together once a week when dds are at sports? There are many great suggestions here, I hope you realise that you are doing a wonderful job, I struggled to do half as good as you as a single mum and he’s a very lucky man!

Blimey. I think I am not really in tune with this lifestyle, or operating on the same wavelength, I feel exhausted just reading about it!
Although I have made lifestyle choices to consciously avoid over scheduling amongst other things - what I think I CAN say is - is all this making everyone happy? If so, and this is your family living their best life and not being pressured by any social moers about activities and sports and stuff, then great. Really great. I know the main thing here is the situation with DH…. But I feel that would fit into a wider picture. Imho if he’s fussing about those three days, it’s NOT about that, it sounds like he is dissatisfied with wider parts of family life. Maybe have a proper heart to heart and address that? Can you give each other non judgemental space to air your feelings?
Perhaps the general busy ness is dissatisfying…. When do you all chill or just hang about at home and enjoy each others’ company?

I think the way we do all this stuff these days is a bit of a scourge - but in regards to the question of DH, I would say, OP, it may sound unreasonable on the surface, sure, but maybe there’s something else behind it? Does he need more you time or more family time? Does he regret being so scheduled up? Is there a reason he avoids coming home til six? Are the girls really into their activities or just going through the motions?

for context and to be fair - I am a pretty traditional full time housewife and mum with five kids and my DH works full time and long hours. We never eat together as a result, but we chill with it - I make his food and put it in oven, and there’s usually some rough and tumble daddy time with the little ones and some PlayStation time with the teenage DD. we don’t have money for any hobbies at cost, but he cycles and I do yoga at home. I do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, bedtimes, appointments etc. he does fixing stuff and teaches them to ride bikes! 🤣 however we do have a very high need and extremely challenging autistic child which means we have had to learn to sort of tag team and work together in ways we never expected, which has probably helped with the feeling of balance.

just do some assessing and communicating. Best of luck and all good wishes to you. I am not judging just really curious if all this is fulfilling to you all.

@Guis , OP has offered options galore. He has said no to all of them because he refuses to compromise. When it's only one side making the changes, that isn't compromise, that's caving.

Indeed. It really isn't about the schedule. It is about not feeling part of the family anymore. He can see where this is headed.

Have you read all of OP's posts?

People are saying it's now up to her husband to propose a plan because thus far, he's made no suggestions of ways he can compromise and has rejected all of her suggestions.

She can't work as a team for both of them if he just expects everyone to slot in around what he wants.

Perhaps they aren't changes he feels able to make. Changing his hours just as he has started a new job ? Unrealistic in reality possibly?

Who knows what the solutions would be.

@Guis

Well he hasn't offered any so tough shit.

Put up or shut up.

@Guis other options were offered and he said no to those too. Also why do you persist in thinking that it is only OP who should suggest options, not her husband? Why does he get out of being involved in suggesting solutions? Why must the man be appeased at all times?

The options suggested to him as far as I can see are :
Give up his job
Change his job to work from home and so on.
None of which he perhaps would find feasible to do.

He hasn’t even suggested any solutions.
Why would a 15 year old with friends, school work and competing at county level in her sports to occupy her be spending time reading MN? It’s not a standard hobby for the average teen.

He did ask her what she would be prepared to change. Which she thought outrageous.
I suspect the issues will prevail because it isn't about who does the washing up or not. It is about whether Legworks wants to still be with him. And that is I suspect what he thinks. Her first post said his complaint was that he felt pushed out recently. That he wasn't part of the family anymore. Emotionally.

I am not taking sides. I don't know ether of them. But it is always useful to try to see things from the other persons standpoint.

Perhaps because she knows her mum used it before. I know she name changed for this. Perhaps because the tension around the house is at an all time high. I am not suggesting she is a mums net user for her own entertainment ! But stuff is happening at home. The timing of her reaction to her father was immediately the day after OP's post. OP herself even was concerned that she couldn't show the posts to her other half in case she had 'mispresented him'. Which said volumes.

Very strange reply. Put up or shut up ? What ?

@Guis

He doesn't have a solution for his whiny problem

Until he has 1 that isn't to the detriment f his family he can put up with having to eat alone twice a week and shut up moaning about it

You seem to be suggesting that the OP shouldn’t be posting here in case her daughter reads it? Why would tensions being high mean that she would look on MN to see if her mum had posted something? And even if she did find these posts (very remote possibility), most 15 year olds can accept that adults are entitled to advice and support.

This

She thought it was outrageous because he has not articulated properly what he is not happy about and said what he wants to be different. That is what is needed in order for them to have a meaningful conversation about what changes the entire family could make. Whinging about cold dark houses is not going to get him anywhere, he needs to say what he positively wants, eg always eating together in the evening, more 1:1 time with the kids, more involvement in family decisions/discussion? Until then OP is always going to be stuck in a cycle of making suggestions to have them rejected.

@Guis
Since you appear to know OP’s set up so well, I’m keen to know how you manage day to day life?
How do you manage work, running a household (shopping, cooking, cleaning, endless laundry, oven cleaning, gardening, window cleaning, etc, etc) childcare and/or ferrying kids to and from extra curricular activities, nursery/school runs, school admin, personal/life admin (managing household budgets and paying bills, researching and renewing insurance policies, researching and booking holidays, etc), family time for just you and the family that live in your household, time for your hobbies, socialising with friends and family, time for sex with your partner when you’re not knackered, etc…?

You hopefully get my drift; I could go on and on and on with the copious list!

Just try re-reading just ALL of OP’s posts again. Press ‘See all’ at the bottom right-hand corner of any of OP’s multiple updates.

@Guis I am coming at this as someone who was the parent of teens whose husband couldn't handle the fact that they were growing up and that things were changing. And refused to come up with any suggestions as to how he would like things to be (other than hopping into a time machine and making the kids into cute, compliant 6 year olds again).

Aside from that, any family has times when things get busy and complex - they pass, because children grow up. DH does actually need to recognise that this is not forever and suck some of it up without whining.

This is just plain odd. What exactly would a 15 year old google in order to chance upon this thread? 'Useless whiny father expecting family to pander to him'?

Guis, are you training to be a relationship counsellor by any chance?

It is outrageous when he is not prepared to change anything.

He rejects every suggestion. He needs to propose alternatives and be willing to change things on his side as well which he has so far refused to do.

I really don't understand any of this. He is melting down because he chooses not to be involved, he whines becuase there's ocassionally the need for him to do some chores while you're taking the DDs to their sport and doing shopping etc, and somehow the solution is for you not to cook dinner for him?

He needs to grow the fuck up quite frankly. He could step up with your DC. He could do more of the chores. He could stop whining.