To try to conceive second when DD is four months old ?

[bluelollipop99]

I'm 30, DP is 29. We have one DD , who is four months old. I will turn 31 in the summer .

Ideally we'd like 3 kids, although of course I know nothing is gaurunteed and we may not be lucky enough to have any more.

I have been lucky with DD.

I didn't really know anything about babies so was expecting the worst but she has slept pretty well since 10 weeks, ( she is bottle fed).

For the last six weeks or so, she's generally been doing 11-7 .30ish in one stretch, (just sheer luck, not down to anything we've done).

I'm aware that as I'm getting older, TTC has less chance of success and could take longer, and that as we ideally want 3, we can't have really long gaps.

I understand a 2 year age gap is normally traditional/ expected , but part of me thinks in some ways , a 1 year old and a baby could be less hard work than a 2 year old and a baby , ( terrible 2's and a newborn sounds very difficult).

That if we decide to stop at 2, then we will have got all the baby stage done in one go, rather than stopping and starting. That just getting it all done in one go may be easier career wise .

On the other hand the reasons for leaving it longer include:

1)I did find the initial six weeks or so very tiring , imagine how difficult that would be with a 1 year old on top ?

2 ) No guarantee the next baby might be a lot more difficult, colic, non sleeper, allergies , SCBU stay - how difficult would that be with a 1 year old on top ?!

3. Neither DP or I have family living locally so although our families are nice, wouldn't have family being able to offer practical support on tap .

4. If something went wrong with the birth and I needed an EMCS ( think about 1/4 births ends in an EMCS) , be hard to recover with a 1 year old .

The pregnancy with DD was physically very easy , ( no nausea etc ) but emotionally very traumatic, ( my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was five months pregnant); and I was sent a lot of extremely abusive messages over her funeral by an ex school "friend" of mine, ( now blocked); so part of me thinks it would be nice to enjoy a pregnancy in less emotionally traumatic times.

So I'm very conflicted. My partner says he would normally have thought two years was the standard age gap but happy to TTC now or to wait a year or two so easy going on it.

Do what feels right for you, there are other factors apart from the age gap. I had my 2 kids 13 months apart, yes it was a challenge but raising any child can be no matter the gap. You should figure out why you think you want to start now taking in to account everything you mentioned . Your body will cope ( unless you’re been told otherwise) and you are young enough to handle what comes along…….. and young enough to wait too

My DIL's first baby was a dream, content, slept well, happy to lie down and play for a couple of hours. Her second was the "normal" i.e. demanding, didn't sleep through the night, wouldn't lie quietly on her own. You've been lucky the first time but might not be next time. Give yourself some time to enjoy with your baby.

I'd wait as I'd say you have time on you side (also for 3). The smallest tolerable age gap between siblings is 18 months, with 24 being more ideal tbh. The baby needs you now.

Hi! I do nt think there is any right or wrong answer- what works for you. Mine are close together as I wanted the baby stage over with, all the gates and locks and buggies out of the house! It’s easier with schools etc too, as only dropping off in different directions for two years (I was aiming for one school year apart, but didn’t happen!).

Some good friends have a larger gap- they are still having to go on toddler friendly holidays, and work around childcare when we’ve just got back from Rome for a few days. The problems I had was teaching them to swim, ride bikes etc. no way I could look after both myself so that needed the two of us, and the really high nursery fees for 18 months! So pluses and minuses.

There are 13 months between my kids they are 19 and 20 now and it was great having them close together. They grew up together and although eldest has ASD and epilepsy they have always been treated the same they even went to school together it was fab. On another note my dad is a twin and they have an older brother who is only 11 months older, for two weeks of the year they are all the same age 😂

I would go for it if I was you . You may not conceive straight away .
There isn’t a perfect age gap . Fast foward three years and life will be so easy .
i think the younger you have a baby the less tired you are .

I did it 3 times ! So my four dc have a year between each of them . It was tiring but a baby and a 1 year old want that bad at all

Go for it as you're both up for it. There's no guarantee you'll succeed in getting pregnant quickly, secondary infertility is a thing that can cause great distress

I was young mid to late 20's and have had 2 kids (now grown up) there is 15 months between them started trying for 2 at 3 month old. 2nd put me off any more as angel 1 slept from 6 weeks and seldom cried .2 cried constantly had to sleep in our bed and didn't sleep though until almost 2 years old.
Hard work but it was worth it . They are both lovely and have grown into fabulous people

I don’t think you need to rush at your age.

I was much older than you we started trying just after we got married when I was 35 and took ages to get pregnant with DC1. We decided to try for DC2 almost immediately due to the time it took to conceive and him being a very easy baby.

We knew DC1 was an easy dream baby and we were unlikely to be as lucy with DC2 (if we conceived at all but we went for it).

Ended up with a 13 month age gap. I am not going to lie the first 16 months of DC2’s life was horrendous (such constant hard work with no respite ever and being pregnant even looking after a contented baby and having anaemia was certainly no walk in the park either).

However, when DC2 was around 16 months life became so easy and it was lovely as I could take them both to the same activities such as a park, to soft play, playgroup, to the library, days out etc etc. They were the best of friends, had a lovely childhood together and they both had a ready made playmate on wet days in, on walks and wherever they went they always had fun.

Before too long other mums who had waited for a 2 year age gap were getting pregnant with a 2nd while my life had started to get so much easier.

Nursery costs for two in childcare can be prohibitive though.

We had no family support locally either. We had date nights in when we eventually got DC2 into a routine. Occasionally we paid for a babysitter but more often than not we took the kids out for meals early on (when they were less tired and more likely to be in a good mood). We chatted at the table and took books and sticker books along with us. The result was both kids knew how to behave and were always very well mannered in restaurants) so we had no hesitation taking them anywhere (just as well as we had little choice in the matter).

There is pros and cons with tiny gaps and big gaps with children. Do what you think is best OP. I'm one of 9! With 16 months age gaps and much bigger gaps. My Mum managed and we're a very close as adults.

@bluelollipop99 in hindsight I would never have waited as long as we did . So I would def TTC now .... my friends with big age gaps between children find it really tough as the activities are different and the kids have less in common . Other friends with tiny age gaps have a rough j couple of early years - harder work but then find it easier as the children do lots of activities togethor . No right answer but I'd go for it xx

I wouldn't. I had a 22 month age gap and it was brutally hard. I nearly lost my mind. I do wish I had had more time to enjoy my first and life is so much simpler with one child than two! I would wait a bit and enjoy your baby. You haven't been through the 4 month sleep regression yet. There will be many tricky phases ahead with your eldest. You still have plenty of time.

I have four. My three youngest were all born after I was thirty, I had three in just over three years.

You've plenty of time.

You’re still young.

I had 17 months between my two (second conceived when first was 8 months) and it was hard.

I sailed through my first pregnancy, my second I felt like I’d been hit by a bus, developed anaemia, Pelvic girdle pain and sciatica and had a transverse lie baby which meant I had to sleep sitting up and resulted in a c section.

I honestly would wait a year and let your baby recover

I think your hormones might be having a little game with you 😊

I had all my 3 children in 2 yrs 8 months.
They are all now in their 30’s, imho although it’s hard work initially, I am so happy I did it.
They grew up close friends and always had each other to play with.
I say go for it ! Worked for me 😊

Oops your body not baby! 😊

Have you had a chance to grieve yet? I can't imagine how hard it would be to lose your mum in such circumstances. My only worry would be that getting pregnant again doesnt give you room to process your grief.

Otherwise, theres no "right" gap, everything has pros and cons.

I say go for it.

So sorry about your mum. There is no right age gap. Mine is 2 years, with hindsight I think 3 would have been better. At age 30 with a successful prior pregnancy you don’t have much to worry about waiting a little longer fertility wise.

I found out I was pregnant with number 3 when no.2 was 4 months old. Tbh it was a piece of piss compared to no.3 and 4 who had a 3 year gap. Felt like having to start again when you’ve finally got your evenings and sleep back with a bigger age gap. My middle children also have an extremely close bond because they don’t remember not being together. No sibling rivalry or crap with those two.

I'd give your body six months minimum to recover then see how you feel

Id wait and enjoy your daughter now. No one knows what the future will bting. In my case I had our 2nd child aged 31 having had my first at 29. My 2nd was born with multiple different disabilities, im really glad I got to have those 1st baby years just our son and us as our daughter takes up so much of our time we constantly feel like we are trying to split ourselves and everything takes alot of planning etc. Your hormones and body havent had a chance to recover yet and being pregnant with a small baby will be exhausting.x

Oh hell no. It’s all downhill from 6 months with weaning meaning your days are suddenly filled with meals and never ending amounts of cleaning, baby to entertain and mobile babies causing chaos. I have a 12 month old and I literally can’t get anything done, I can’t imagine adding a newborn into the mix.

Only you know your own body and capabilities our DD is 15mth older than DS we conceived when she was 6mth old, we were lucky and I mean lucky. DD slept through from 6 weeks was a very calm baby (definitely full blown teenager now!) She did a long haul flight at 6mth was amazing slept all the way there and back. Then DS came again despite 1st 2 weeks of having to wake to feed every 2hr as he lost more than 10% by 11 weeks he was sleeping through, neither moaned when teething our DS kept getting perforated eardrums from around 6mth to 3years because his bronchial airways weren't opening at night but again never bothered him both were breast fed but weened at 17 weeks and were fed breast milk from the breast and the bottle and as weened and appetites increased added formula feed too.
Our DD loved mothering our DS they got on amazingly playing together and even now are close and actually look out for each other at school and out and about its like they were twins especially now this year he has pretty much caught her up on height
We found it easy but I stress we were lucky, routine helped as we have always and still do work FT 40hr weeks so we are a partnership in care.

I would have loved a 3rd being the youngest of 3 myself but DH not so keen unfortunately