To try to conceive second when DD is four months old ?

[bluelollipop99]

I'm 30, DP is 29. We have one DD , who is four months old. I will turn 31 in the summer .

Ideally we'd like 3 kids, although of course I know nothing is gaurunteed and we may not be lucky enough to have any more.

I have been lucky with DD.

I didn't really know anything about babies so was expecting the worst but she has slept pretty well since 10 weeks, ( she is bottle fed).

For the last six weeks or so, she's generally been doing 11-7 .30ish in one stretch, (just sheer luck, not down to anything we've done).

I'm aware that as I'm getting older, TTC has less chance of success and could take longer, and that as we ideally want 3, we can't have really long gaps.

I understand a 2 year age gap is normally traditional/ expected , but part of me thinks in some ways , a 1 year old and a baby could be less hard work than a 2 year old and a baby , ( terrible 2's and a newborn sounds very difficult).

That if we decide to stop at 2, then we will have got all the baby stage done in one go, rather than stopping and starting. That just getting it all done in one go may be easier career wise .

On the other hand the reasons for leaving it longer include:

1)I did find the initial six weeks or so very tiring , imagine how difficult that would be with a 1 year old on top ?

2 ) No guarantee the next baby might be a lot more difficult, colic, non sleeper, allergies , SCBU stay - how difficult would that be with a 1 year old on top ?!

3. Neither DP or I have family living locally so although our families are nice, wouldn't have family being able to offer practical support on tap .

4. If something went wrong with the birth and I needed an EMCS ( think about 1/4 births ends in an EMCS) , be hard to recover with a 1 year old .

The pregnancy with DD was physically very easy , ( no nausea etc ) but emotionally very traumatic, ( my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was five months pregnant); and I was sent a lot of extremely abusive messages over her funeral by an ex school "friend" of mine, ( now blocked); so part of me thinks it would be nice to enjoy a pregnancy in less emotionally traumatic times.

So I'm very conflicted. My partner says he would normally have thought two years was the standard age gap but happy to TTC now or to wait a year or two so easy going on it.

4 months is still the easy part! 😂

Currently doing this - DS is 6 weeks and DD is 22 months. DD was so easy. DS is not. I feel guilty I can’t give DD the attention she needs and I’m so very tired. It’s so hard. I wish we’d waited but we wouldn’t be doing it again if we had left it any longer. Hoping it’ll ease for us once they’re both 3 and 2. I can’t imagine an even smaller age gap. My body is wrecked too! But only you know what will work and if you can cope. I really dislike the baby years so probably adding to the tension I feel.

My 2 are 18 months apart and I wouldn't change it, and they are in their 20s now.

But... I did work part-time in a professional (and thankfully well-paid) job so had a regular break where I could be an adult, I think doing toddler and baby full time might have been a bit full on.

Mostly though it was hard work but enjoyable, the kids were great company for each other growing up and although teenage stress was hard going they get on really well now.

I don't think it did my body any favours though...

If you and your DH are both on board, why not?! There is no ideal gap. I’m 14 months older than my sibling. My Mum always says she loved having us so close together and we have grown up really close to one another.

I had a 3.5 year gap with my two and that worked perfectly for us. I liked having my DC1 in nursery, out of the buggy and toilet trained etc when I had a newborn.

Swings and roundabouts. Do whatever you want to do!

So I’m expecting DD2 any day now and DD1 is 3 this weekend.
I think when they are older it could be lovely to have a small age gap, but I have seen friends really struggle with 2 under 2. A one year old runs around and is hard to control as they haven’t developed their language skills yet. My nearly 3 year old can hold full on conversations, I can explain what’s happening and what I need from her. She knows what’s going on.
Having said all of that I mainly did it as she will be getting her 30 hours childcare after Easter and there is no way I could afford to:
a) not work
b) pay for 2 under threes to attend nursery!
So more of a practical/ financial decision for me!
I was nearly 30 when I had my daughter and will be nearly 33 this time. I didn’t feel I had left it late x

I got pregnant when DS was 8 months old, there is exactly 17 months between DS and DD and I love the gap. They are 11 and 9 now. We had another DS who is 4 and I wish I'd had a smaller gap. The big gap is a bit too big for my liking.

I was very lucky and had easy pregnancies (except a lot of morning sickness) and easy labours. My children in general were very easy babies, loved their sleep and very happy. I don't know how I managed to get 3 children like that.

As an older Mum of two my knee-jerk reaction is Oh honey, no. Before you rush on in think about this:
1.You are in no way ready emotionally after your Mum's passing - give yourself more time to grieve.
2.Remember the sleepless nights and relentless exhaustion in the early days with your first? That will be the same with your second and children tend to go through developmental shifts at the most awkward times so your DD would likely have one right in those difficult days.
3.Trust me, the recovery from the second is more painful whether or not you have a C section (I had EMCS with first and natural with second).
4.You have no physical support network available should the worst happen.

I get where you're going with this idea - get the hard stuff over quick and make time for a 3rd DC but ask yourself.... "will my mental health survive those dark exhausted days?", "would I or my DP be able to cope with 3 young children if we were to experience a sudden reduction in income?", "In later life, will we be able afford to pay for tution/acommodation/travel etc for 3 young people in the space of 3-4years if they all want to pursue their education (it is cripplingly expensive btw)?" As a side note, I'd also urge you to consider your carbon footprint - more children = poorer outcome for the planet.
Best of luck whatever you decide but maybe give it about 8-10 months before you dive in.

Yes you are being unreasonable. But then personally a less than 2 year age gap sounds like my idea of hell.

And here's some reasons why.

A 4 month old baby is zero indication of the child you will have in 9 months. Atm you have a smiley cooing potato that might occasionally roll and has a glimmering of a personality. A far cry from the mobile near toddler you will have.

Sleeping now is zero guarantee of sleep later. DC2 slept through the night from 6 weeks to 6 months. Then out of nowhere started waking anywhere between every 30-90 minutes. For 2 MONTHS. To say I was a broken shell of a woman is an understatement.

Thirty is not old! You're actually under the average for a FTM (31 is the average now). There is loads of time in the next few years to have two more, with far more reasonable age gaps. I would like 3 too. Due to fertility issues, I didn't have my first until I was 33. Had my second at 35. If I can get DH on board with having a third, we'll be aiming to have my 3rd at 39/39.

I also had an easy pregnancy with my first. I have never been so exhausted before (or after!) my second. I also wound up having a C-section with my second. All I'm going to say is that I'm glad DC1 was mobile and could be reasoned with, and understand why I couldn't pick her up.

Didn't have two in nappies for long. DC1 was 2.6 when DC2 was born, and 2.10 when she potty trained. You'd be looking at wrestling two into nappies for well over a year. DC2 is 11 months and objects strenuously to having his nappy changed. And getting dressed.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, and the awful comments from your former friend. I can understand your want to have a more normal pregnancy, but in the nicest possible way, that's not a reason to have another baby so soon.

There is no rush. Just enjoy your baby - you won't get this time with her again - and give your body a chance to heal.

I've just realised it's not even been a year yet since your mum passed OP. I can only imagine the past 8 or so months has been so hard. But I think it would be wise to allow yourself a bit more time to grieve and heal before considering another child.

Ahahaha. The fun part for the one is yet to come and it's going to get way more fun and harder when she is mobile.

Enjoy it and in all seriousness, sorry about your mum.

I don't think you have to worry about time as such and you might get pregnancy quicker or slower so it's anyone's guess.

We started trying at 10 months and got pregnant straight away. Baby didn't make it and then we did manage to have another baby a year later.

Originally we would have had an 18 month age gap but then did have a 2 1/2 year gap. Frankly I was relieved. I remember sitting feeding the new born while my toddler sat feeding himself. It's a small think but by him being a bit older and a bit more independent made life just that bit more easier

As a mum of 2 under 2…. It’s way harder than you think. I wouldn’t change anything but it was brutal. It only got a bit easier when my son started pre school.

My two are 11 months apart so I had two under 1. They're now 4 and 5 and I'm glad it happened for us this way, but saying that I know no different.
I think my only real struggles looking back were some nights of pretty poor sleep my end if they'd both wake up one after the other but on the whole I was extremely lucky and they were both very good sleepers.
We are discussing having a third but honestly the thought of school runs etc with a baby stress me out 😂 I didn't have to think about that before but lots of Mums do it absolutely fine lol!
They're also really close too, it's sweet :) but I guess nothing is guaranteed and that may not last!

4mo is still really young.

We hit the 4 month regression early (I don't think it's an exact science) but I have several friends who had good sleepers up until 8 months, when sleep completely nosedived and they were dealing with 2 hourly wakes and babies fighting sleep - exactly what I had been dealing with since around 3mo, but my baby had got better. I'm still not counting my chickens though since sleep isn't linear.

You still have weaning, developmental milestones and more to come, as well as taking time to enjoy your baby.

30 is still young too ❤️

I wouldn’t, because seeing parents struggle
with kids very close in age and it seems exhausting. But it’s your life.

I don't understand why you think you're 'getting older' at 30?! If you were writing this at 40 I would get why you want to get a move on, but seriously what is the rush? Have some time to enjoy your first baby (who has barely been born herself!) and give her all of you both for awhile first....once you have another she will never get that again.
It is never going to be 'easy' having a 1yo and a baby....sounds like this might be your hormones talking...

The other thing to consider is that your first baby may be easy now, but that could soon change.My DD slept really well for the first 6mths then it was downhill from there! Also she may be an easy baby but could turn into a testing toddler!

I am so sorry about your mum, that sounds horrible, if you haven't, please try and get therapy to talk it through with someone.

That's a separate issue to your question, I have seen several friends have complicated pregnancies because their body hasn't recovered from the previous one, why increase your risk of things going wrong??? Wait a year for everything to heal!

I have twins (5 minutes apart LOL) and thinking about the needs of a 2yo and 3yo t the same time, I would say absolutely no way, wait. There's three years between me and my sister and it was great growing up 👍

I had 2 under 2 and it was hard, until the youngest turned 2, so I wouldn't recommend it, not just because of how it affected me, but the first child gets so little time with just Mum and Dad, before next baby comes along and takes most of the attention.

You really are not old at all that you couldn't wait a few years before you try for another child. I wish I had.

I have 19 months between my eldest two and my poor dd1 probably did not have a fun time with an exhausted mum trying to breastfeed dd2 and being expected to be able to do things eg put on her socks. Also I needed a cervical stitch with number 2 so couldnt pick her up etc.

I knew I wanted another as soon as dS was born . I waited for a year . Truthfully I only waited as I wanted to lose all the 4 stone which I gained during pregnancy- which I did!

The day I’d lost all the baby weight I decided to try again and We concived when ds1 was 11 months. .
Now DS1 is 16 month and moving it is so much harder than when he was newborn to 1 year old ! To be honest , I think it would have been easier Being pregnant whilst he was younger than now . He is also heavier to pick up now and has become very clingy ! I Will have 20 months gap.
If I hadn’t gained so much weight I’d have loved to have started trying to conceive at 6 months and had a smaller gap !!
HOWEVER . I’m currently pregnant with a 16 month old and so emotional , hormonal and exhausted !!!!!!

I did two under two, twice! (3 years apart). I did have the luxury of being a SAHM, and we live in Europe so no help from family.

To be honest, I loved it! I was already tired and doing nappies... now that my youngest is 7, it is fab. They are a little group and all get along very well. And as they are all so close in age, I didn't experience any jealousy.

I did go insular for a while. I just couldn't do coffee shops and parks, AND chat to other parents. But once the youngest was old enough, my world opened up again. Lockdown was also y stressful as they all played together.

I am aware that I am making it sound like we are the Walton's. We aren't. My house is messy and of course they get irritated with each other, but in all honesty, I removed all outside pressures from others and went at their speed.

When the youngest was school age, I went back to school (as a teacher), and whilst it is a bit tricky for a couple of days a year, 98% of the time everything is great!

I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

@bluelollipop99 mine are 14 months to the day apart, I got pregnant (kinda on purpose, IVF for DD1 so didn’t think it would acctualllyyyy happen) when DD1 was 5 months old.
Honestly? The first four months were shit. DD1 slept like a dream from 10 weeks, DD2 still wakes in the night at 6 months and by toddler stage my DD1 is up at 6, no more 7:30 lie ins like DD2 loves to do.
I. Am. Tired.
Its more of a strain financially, it puts pressure on your relationship, it’s harder to get out the house and do stuff because both babies are SO reliant on you at the same time.
If I didn’t have fertility issues and knowing what I know now I’d honestly have waited.
Although, I say all of this but I love the bond they have and I love having my little girl gang so much so I wouldn’t change it now.

Just go into it with your eye wide open, its not the same as just having one in the slightest. It’s also not the same as having an older toddler and a baby either.

No I wouldn't. dd1 was 6 months old when I fell pregnant with ds despite being on the pill and taking emergency contraception. The second pregnancy was tiring as I has a baby to take care of. I felt I didn't get to fully enjoy either child's first year. Neither slept well and I was a zombie for two years. It was easy once ds was 2 and his sister 3 as I could go to the same toddler groups for them both and they kept each other company. They did fight though. At 5 and 6 they get on really well.

In contrast I know have dd2 who is 17 months (we weren't planning on a 3rd otherwise I would have had a shorter age gap) and she is a dream. I have gotten to enjoy every moment with her and fully focus on her as bigger two are at school. The pregnancy was still tiring but I could rest whilst they were at preschool and school.

I had my first at 29, second at 30 and 3rd at 34. Whilst the second pregnancy was unexpected I conceived within a month for both girls. Being 30.doesnt necessarily mean it will be had for you to conceive.

I'd look at the overall picture, how hands on is your partner, do you have any family support, can you afford to get a cleaner in of your second pregnancy is rougher, how will you cope if your second doesn't sleep that well, will you get a second maternity leave if you are pregnant on maternity leave with your first, if you didn't could you afford it, have you discussed finances with your partner?

I'd give your body time to heal and wait until baby is at least a year old.