To try to conceive second when DD is four months old ?

[bluelollipop99]

I'm 30, DP is 29. We have one DD , who is four months old. I will turn 31 in the summer .

Ideally we'd like 3 kids, although of course I know nothing is gaurunteed and we may not be lucky enough to have any more.

I have been lucky with DD.

I didn't really know anything about babies so was expecting the worst but she has slept pretty well since 10 weeks, ( she is bottle fed).

For the last six weeks or so, she's generally been doing 11-7 .30ish in one stretch, (just sheer luck, not down to anything we've done).

I'm aware that as I'm getting older, TTC has less chance of success and could take longer, and that as we ideally want 3, we can't have really long gaps.

I understand a 2 year age gap is normally traditional/ expected , but part of me thinks in some ways , a 1 year old and a baby could be less hard work than a 2 year old and a baby , ( terrible 2's and a newborn sounds very difficult).

That if we decide to stop at 2, then we will have got all the baby stage done in one go, rather than stopping and starting. That just getting it all done in one go may be easier career wise .

On the other hand the reasons for leaving it longer include:

1)I did find the initial six weeks or so very tiring , imagine how difficult that would be with a 1 year old on top ?

2 ) No guarantee the next baby might be a lot more difficult, colic, non sleeper, allergies , SCBU stay - how difficult would that be with a 1 year old on top ?!

3. Neither DP or I have family living locally so although our families are nice, wouldn't have family being able to offer practical support on tap .

4. If something went wrong with the birth and I needed an EMCS ( think about 1/4 births ends in an EMCS) , be hard to recover with a 1 year old .

The pregnancy with DD was physically very easy , ( no nausea etc ) but emotionally very traumatic, ( my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was five months pregnant); and I was sent a lot of extremely abusive messages over her funeral by an ex school "friend" of mine, ( now blocked); so part of me thinks it would be nice to enjoy a pregnancy in less emotionally traumatic times.

So I'm very conflicted. My partner says he would normally have thought two years was the standard age gap but happy to TTC now or to wait a year or two so easy going on it.

There’s no answer to this. You only know what you know. Make the choice and wing it.

I think you can try & plan your perfect age gap but often it won't work out exactly as you envisioned. I had DD then around her 2nd birthday I started trying to conceive. Took 6 months then I became pregnant but with a molar pregnancy that lasted 14 weeks before a miscarriage. Then I conceived immediately after I had a D&C. We have 3 years 9 months between our 2 kids. They are now 18 & 15. You definitely can't plan everything. I had my DD starting Nursery School when my DS was 4 weeks old so that was a tough time. Backwards & forwards to school every morning in the rain in & out of the pram/snowsuit/hat/mittens etc (he was born mid December). There are 4 school years between my 2. My eldest will have graduated before my youngest begins Uni etc. So we might have 8 years of paying towards Uni fees etc. It's worked out quite well for us though. Only one baby/toddler at a time in nappies. Eldest was sleeping well before the 2nd was born. Eldest was independent & not clingy by the time brother was born. I never wanted more than 2 though. I'm one of 3 & so is my DH. Good luck OP whatever you decide. But as you will be the primary care-giver in those first few weeks/months no doubt don't let your DH force you into a potential age-gap you aren't ready for. 💖

I'd vote for a NO. Let your body heal, birth is very traumatising for your body, I think experts say you need a year to heal. Also, your baby may not sleep well for that long after the sleep regressions hit. The first four months were the easiest sleep wise for me then it just got worse and worse

There's 3.5yrs between my 2. Honestly it was the best age gap! When dd2 came along, dd1 started preschool for her 15 funded hrs so I could take dd2 to baby groups, or enjoy some 1 on 1 time. Dd1 had some understanding of having to wait and was happy to chill on the sofa reading stories or watching films while I breastfed.

I didnt have to use a double buggy (some are heavy and hard to push. My friend has got the gap you are wanting and has had to change prams as she physically couldn't manage the Phil & Ted's due to the weight distribution)

Mine have been into the same things around the same time, played together alot! Had a tricky year when dd1 started secondary and no longer wanted to play but dd2 did so she had to learn to play alone. We just played more board games and did artsy stuff.

Mine are 14 and 10, they are still very close. They always look out for each other and have lots of fun together.

I have a 23 month age gap. Oldest is 2 and youngest is 4 months and I could not imagine having a newborn when oldest only around a year. They’re still such a baby at one and need lots of looking after etc. At 2 she is wildly more independent (although clingy) because she can talk and communicate so much better, likes to help out with fetching nappies etc. Its still incredibly difficult at times and I honestly couldn’t imagine a smaller age gap.

I can understand why you may feel like you need to rush to get it done asap. Sorry about your mum.

It's definitely OK for you start trying now but it seems like you're only trying to do it so fast because of what happened to your mum. My advice to you is to try not and think about the worse and take your time and if you still want to do it then by all means go ahead.

I think the issue is about your physical recovery, I would focus on that for the next 5/6 months - don’t think it’s good for the body to have very close pregnancies. Could start trying when baby is 9 months…

I'd not overthink it....I had my 1st at 38 and my 2nd 10mths ago at 43! I'd say don't expect 2 babies same, my 1st was horrendous sleeper but my 2nd slept 12 hrs from few weeks old, but we still have odd points of regression, I'm glad I got time to enjoy my 1st horn just us for a few years

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum, it must have been awful when you were pregnant.

I haven't read the full thread, just wanted to say DD sleeping now is no guarantee for later on. My DS slept really well from maybe 3ish months until 5ish months then decided it no longer was his thing and started waking again like a new born. 7 months old now and somewhat back to normal.

If you conceived easily with your 1st I wouldn't be worried about age for conceiving your 2nd baby.

YANBU - it’s what you want at the end of the day. But it will likely be more stressful if you have a smaller gap. What is your support network like at the moment? Can you afford nursery for both children at the same time? Just a few factors to consider as it can be hard.

In terms of age and fertility you will read lots of anecdotal evidence but here’s a legitimate article:

www.britishfertilitysociety.org.uk/fei/at-what-age-does-fertility-begin-to-decrease/?fbclid=IwAR0j97cMSnIZqKFX6iJkQarSJijZ7iJEQ2zYGNuEbIAAWIFtqrnRUSnUxvM

Most professionals suggest leaving 18 months for the well-being of you and your next baby. But each to their own. Some have waited less time, others longer:

www.nhsinform.scot/ready-steady-baby/early-parenthood/your-growing-family/having-another-baby

You just need to sit down with your OH and figure out what is best for you and your family. Good luck with whatever you decide OP 🪴

We asked MW and doctors and they said to wait a year for mine and next babies health.

It worked for us - kids get on well and I had straight forward pg and birth. I was still bf and got pg very quickly with second and fairly quickly with third.

I was left go from work in first pg - that and subsequent decisions led to us ending up in area with limited childcare options which influence me staying at home with the kids and us deciding close as possible was best. I did know a full time working Mum with similar age gaps as we had with our three - no idea how they managed.

Odd enough me and cousin all grew up in families wit 3.5 to 5 age gaps and all of us have gone for much smaller or hugely bigger age gaps with our kids - so I don't think there is an ideal.

I think you have an entire decade to plan in so its what is best for you plus all the spanners nature can through up in plans.

That was a year before trying to TTC - not next birth.

I have a four month old and first thought was you must be mad! I’m also the same age and have NO concerns about waiting a couple of years, it’s unlikely your fertility will have declined much in a year?

Off topic as I don’t know the reason for bottle feeding but would really recommend breastfeeding any more babies if possible, since it’s healthier for you both. Though it can be more time consuming, which may be a reason to avoid having two under two?

I had 2 16 months apart (unplanned) which worked really well for us - they were very close and still are as adults
worst thing was I had an unexpectedly bad second pregnancy after no trouble with first
really bad sickness, unexplained bleeds, baby not growing well, kidney problems which meant I spent most of it in hospital and away from first born - thankfully they were on mixed feeds by then but childcare was a huge issue and DH had to take lots of unpaid leave which crippled us
best thing was them only being 1 school year apart as saved split holidays, different inset days, start times etc

18 months is recommended between pregnancies so the second baby isn't small. On the other hand a small gap is good for shared activities and a small gap before you can commit more to work. However small gap can be a problem for nursery fees and university if you are decent earners at that stage. If you had three and a bigger gap the third could be lonely. Also if you are intending to breastfeed your first it can be a drain or you might want to stop with pregnancy when if you weren't pregnant you would carry on. A short gap can be trying on the marriage so you need to prioritise each other.

It's really up to you if you feel you have the support. I have the dream baby, all got much harder around 5 months when they started moving and it all got more chaotic since then. They truly are a dream, but I can't imagine another for a very long time, it is truly exhausting!!

This is very personal.

there is no right or wrong, some love getting the ‘baby’ stage over with, some find it overwhelming . In addition, some close siblings get on like a house on fire, others are over competitive and resent one another.

You just have to discuss it as a couple, do what you want, and go forward positively.

18 months is recommended between pregnancies so the second baby isn't small.

Maybe I got tailored individual advice then with 12 months - as babies in Dmum family do tend towards large size and my first was a surprise 9lb 2 - she was very long rather than fat and second was 10 lb and very muscular and all were very healthy when born.

I had my two 17m apart. I fell pregnant when my eldest was 8m. It has been really hard having two close together and definitely seems easier having a bigger gap. That said, they are the best of friends at 4 and 2.5 and have got it out the way at once! No more for sure!!!

Also just to add, paying two nursery fees at once has been debilitating and we earn good money!!

I had a super easy first pregnancy and baby was an unreal sleeper was sleeping 12 hours with no feed by 3.5 months, regressions hit but never hard.

I accidentally fell pregnant far sooner than planned bur have been super ill and so I’m grateful it’s a slow baby I’m running around after rather than a speedy toddler!

Mine are 15 months apart and I think in an ideal world I would have had a bit of a bigger age gap. It took us a long time to have DC1 so while DC2 wasn't planned it wasn't prevented and a bit unexpected!

The hardest part at the start was that I had two crying babies neither of which could fully articulate was was wrong! DC2 would not be put down for the first three months or so felt guilty about not being able to do things with DC1. It was very difficult at times.

I was lucky to have two straight forward pregnancies and births so it's had no impact on me physically or DC.

On a practical level think about mat leave and money! We were able to keep DC1 in nursery two days a week during my second mat leave which was a god send. Now they are both at nursery 4 days a week and costing an absolute fortune as funded hours don't kick in for the oldest til
September.

They are 1.5 and nearly 3 at the moment and just starting to see glimpses of them playing together which will hopefully continue! It is good that they are close enough in age to enjoy the same things - farms, soft play etc

There is no perfect age gap in my opinion but worth going in with your eyes open.

I completely agree with this.

I got pregnant when my first was four months old. Honestly, your already doing the night feeds, the nappy changes and everything baby related.

Go for it! We started TTC when our son was 6 weeks old and got pregnant just before he turned 1 year - it took longer than we thought it would so I’m pleased we started trying early. Equally we would have been very happy if it happened sooner. It’s really not possible to plan these things - you may fall pregnant quickly or you may not. A friend of mine got pregnant very quickly with her first child, wanted a 2 year age gap, had 2 sad and unfortunate miscarriages, and ended up with a 4 year age gap.
We’re due in May and there will be a 21 month age gap which I think will be lovely. I don’t really think there is a “best” age gap - all have pros and cons and everyone will have their own, and different, opinion x

I'm aware that as I'm getting older, TTC has less chance of success and could take longer, and that as we ideally want 3, we can't have really long gaps.

this is a ridiculous reason. You are 30, not 40.

otherwise it’s up to you. I couldn’t have imagined anything worse but it’s down to you and your partner.