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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave DD behind to go on holidays

137 replies

Itsybitsyminion · 15/02/2023 11:45

Just picking your brain on this one. We have a 3yo and no much family support as DH parents live in another city (we don't see them much) and my family lives abroad. DD knows well both grandparents but she's not exactly used to be left with them except for a short time. They are also on their 70s and have some mobility problems.
In conversation with a dear friend with no kids I mentioned I would love to go on holidays to Mexico but will wait a couple of years so my DD can enjoy more the experience abroad with us and handle better such a long flight. She asked me why won't I leave her behind for 7 or 10 days with grandparents? If I will never go on holidays again just with DH and enjoy ourselves? Now, I am not sure if my mind would be at rest leaving her for so long, not sure if I am ready for that, and I actually feel like holidays like this should mean making memories as a family. Is this first time mum syndrome? Am I right in not wanting to leave DD behind? Or is my friend being unreasonable because she has no idea what it is to have children?

OP posts:
CocoPlum · 15/02/2023 11:49

The only reason I've been away without my children for a holiday (they are early teen/tween now) is because their dad and I are separated and I am with a new partner. But each time we've been away, a little further/for longer, I've felt really twitchy about it. Even now, I'd be reluctant to go to Mexico for 7-10 days without them!

I don't think this is a first time mum thing, you seem normal to me. It's personal preference, a woman I knew went halfway around the world for a week when her daughter was 9 months and left her with grandparents. I couldn't have done that.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 15/02/2023 11:49

I adored my grandmother. She lived next door to us.

I don’t think I would have been very happy if my parents had vanished for the best part of two weeks when I was three, and left me with her, though.

Lcb123 · 15/02/2023 11:51

She’s only making a suggestion-I think you’re being quite rude saying she has ‘no idea’. I know plenty of parents who do this and their kids aren’t traumatised

jannier · 15/02/2023 11:53

Your friend had no children and doesn't get the bond you will have time to go on holiday child free when you don't have children for now you do and time off is a chance to be a family.....and it's too long for a 3 year old who doesn't have regular weekends even.

MelaniesFlowers · 15/02/2023 11:53

She doesn’t have children so of course she doesn’t understand.

YANBU. You have children to experience life with them. Not abandon them to go off on your jollies.

MaverickGooseGoose · 15/02/2023 11:54

I have left DTs for 2 nights, and I love when they go to the grandparents for a sleepover if we have a night out but no way would I leave them for 7-10 nights for a holiday. They come too. And having flown long haul with them when they were 3, definitley wait until she's older!

Go to Mallorca or wherever, it will be a fab holiday and easy.

Wishawisha · 15/02/2023 11:57

I don’t think you are unusual in not wanting to do this.

I know two couples who do holiday without their kids and leave them with grandparents for up to a week. They are definitely in the minority of people I know and in those cases though the grandparents are very involved - seeing them weekly at least - and have no mobility problems etc like you’ve described.

unclebuck · 15/02/2023 11:57

My parents did this all the time. As a result I am extremely close to my gran and do a lot for her. My dad not so much.

reluctantbrit · 15/02/2023 11:57

I know lots of people doing this but in all cases the grandparents are very much involved and seeing them regularly and staying overnight.

DD's grandparents live abroad and while DD knows them and we stayed with them, in no way would she be happy being alone there for a week or more. It's the day-to-day stuff they don't know. It's a difference them babysitting so we went out to dinner or they covering an afternoon while we sorted out some issues to having her 24/7.

Mobility or other health issues are obviously also an issue.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2023 11:57

Lcb123 · 15/02/2023 11:51

She’s only making a suggestion-I think you’re being quite rude saying she has ‘no idea’. I know plenty of parents who do this and their kids aren’t traumatised

You know loads of people who’ve gone on holiday for weeks leaving their young child with people the child barely knows? And you say that like it’s a good thing? Odd.

StandALot · 15/02/2023 12:04

I used to go on holiday for a fortnight each year, and leave mine with my parents from when they were born until they were around 8 years old.
There were no dramas and everyone had a good time.
They were with me the other 50 weeks of the year, but for just two weeks it was great to be StandALot instead of mum and be a couple instead of parents.

BooCrew · 15/02/2023 12:04

I would leave my four year old for a couple of nights - maybe a city break he wouldn't really enjoy, or a particular event - but not for a full holiday, no. We had some lovely holidays before he came along, so I don't feel I'm missing out - at the moment holidays are child-centred, it's no hardship. Once he's late primary/early teens we can go on more interesting holidays again and he'll get a lot from them.

I really don't think the grandparents would be up for doing that much childcare either, they're in their 70s and find him exhausting! I suppose if you have a much younger grandparent - maybe a grandma who's always been a SAHM so isn't working? - you might be ok.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 15/02/2023 12:07

My parents wouldn't take my lot for 7-10 days. But they would for a weekend, so we've had a few trips away, the longest was 3 nights for a wedding and we left in the afternoon. We have another wedding this year where we're leaving them with grandparents. The most I'd do is 3 nights though, it wouldn't be fair otherwise. Maybe as they get older they'll be easier, but then my parents will be getting older too so who knows?

Swiftswatch · 15/02/2023 12:08

Well neither of you are being unreasonable. If you don’t want to go on a holiday without your DD that’s fine, equally lots of people do go on holiday without their kids and that’s also fine so she’s hardly unreasonable for offering the suggestion and it doesn’t mean she “doesn’t understand because she doesn’t have kids” just because she has a different opinion.

DoorstoManual · 15/02/2023 12:09

I won’t leave my 22 year old.😂

Well I will but, always feel bad excluding him.🙈😂

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 15/02/2023 12:11

I wouldn’t leave my toddler because holidays are an amazing chance to learn and have fun for a child and build memories.

Ive had many couples holidays before DC came along and I know we’ll have them again once DC doesn’t want to come anymore!

I wouldn’t judge someone who did this though, it’s personal preference.

autumnboys · 15/02/2023 12:12

It’s an entirely personal choice. I wouldn’t have wanted to leave my 3yo behind. I have friends that did though for wedding anniversaries etc and all was well. Do what suits you.

icanneverthinkofnc · 15/02/2023 12:16

DM did this in the 70s/80s, we were left at home while she went away with her boyfriend. We did live with grandparents and her anyway. We just accepted it until the year they took his son but not us. I still hold a grudge 45 years later! 🤣

ExistenceOptional · 15/02/2023 12:20

This is personal preference.
It is not about having kids and knowing what being a mother is really like. What she is suggesting is very common in middle class French families for example and they know what it is like to be a mother.
Personally I would have done this if my mum was involved with my DC on a day to day basis, but otherwise I would not.

Chooksnroses · 15/02/2023 12:20

Much as I adore my Grandchildren There is no way I'd cope with a three year old for a week now I'm 73! And I don't have mobility problems!

StanleyBriggs · 15/02/2023 12:21

Your friend is being unreasonable.

Some people do it, but that is true of almost anything. I expect most people wouldn't.

bloodymary100 · 15/02/2023 12:22

My husband and I go away every other year on our own for a week. It's a brilliant reset for our marriage and the kids love going to grandparents. 7 nights would be our limit though- after 5 nights we do start feel a bit homesick and the last night is always bittersweet.

However our parents are young- all under 60- and our kids are 15 and 6 so a lot easier in some regards than a 3 year old.

MermaidMummy06 · 15/02/2023 12:22

I wouldn't leave my DC behind for such a large trip. They would be devastated to be left behind.

My friend, however, started leaving her DC when first was 3 months old, for a week long international holiday with her DH, with grandparents baby had just met. It's remained the same ever since, for all holidays except visiting extended family. They're off, again, for 2-3 weeks soon.

I guess we're all different & I'm partially jealous friend can still travel freely. It's just not something I could do.

Rachie1973 · 15/02/2023 12:25

Off subject, I hate that line ‘making memories’. Seriously, you can’t manufacture memories.

my kids barely recall Eurodisney, but can remember clearly me and DH tearing up a climbing frame with them in the local park.

gazpachosoupday · 15/02/2023 12:25

My parents did this, mainly for adult holidays that they were interested in, but would bore the shit out of us. But, as PP grandparents very much involved, sleepovers at theirs.

My parents are not that involved with my DS (live much further away) so a night stop is all I would have felt comfortable with at that age.

Now, we could probably go a month away without him noticing, unless he emptied the fridge