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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Leave DD behind to go on holidays

137 replies

Itsybitsyminion · 15/02/2023 11:45

Just picking your brain on this one. We have a 3yo and no much family support as DH parents live in another city (we don't see them much) and my family lives abroad. DD knows well both grandparents but she's not exactly used to be left with them except for a short time. They are also on their 70s and have some mobility problems.
In conversation with a dear friend with no kids I mentioned I would love to go on holidays to Mexico but will wait a couple of years so my DD can enjoy more the experience abroad with us and handle better such a long flight. She asked me why won't I leave her behind for 7 or 10 days with grandparents? If I will never go on holidays again just with DH and enjoy ourselves? Now, I am not sure if my mind would be at rest leaving her for so long, not sure if I am ready for that, and I actually feel like holidays like this should mean making memories as a family. Is this first time mum syndrome? Am I right in not wanting to leave DD behind? Or is my friend being unreasonable because she has no idea what it is to have children?

OP posts:

reddwarfgeek · 15/02/2023 12:27

I know plenty of people who do this, but personally I couldn't. 2 or 3 days maybe, 7 to 10 is too long. I'd miss DD too much. Totally understand why you would aswell.
Your DD sounds like she'd be fine with her grandma but it's your call.
No offence to your friend, but if she's childfree she won't understand as it's not a decision she's had to make.

SuzieBishop · 15/02/2023 12:27

Just wanted to say probably 90% of people here will make you feel like the worst mother ever for even considering time away from your child. I mean why would you have children to not then spend every waking moment with them?
Yeah right. I have 2 children and in 6 years I have been away - just me and my husband - 3 times. Twice was for 2 nights and once was for 3 nights to european destinations. String me up to the gallows for even admitting it.
Personally I wouldn't leave mine for a week but if you felt that was right for you and you'd be fine then do it.

RegainingTheWill2023 · 15/02/2023 12:29

Surely it's more about wanting to have a family holiday? Most people have limited annual leave and limited finances. I have no problem with dc staying with GPs and parents having some time away. But I can't imagine booking an expensive, long haul holiday without my dc.
I'd be more tempted to have a dc friendly holiday and an adult only short break if GPs were keen to look after dc.

Spotsstripes · 15/02/2023 12:31

I'm leaving mine for first time this year but he's 18! My middle child would probably be fine being left, the other rwo definitely wouldn't at 3. I wouldn't have done it at 3 and not for that long. I dont think I'd be able to relax and could 70 year olds with mobility issues cope with an active toddler out of routine and no parents for 7-10 days? However I do think each to their own and everyone is different and everyone's circumstances are different.

DoraTheScottishExplorer · 15/02/2023 12:34

Me and my brother did the opposite we left our parents at home to go away with our grandparents. 2 weeks at least once a year until we were mid teens.

RichardHeed · 15/02/2023 12:34

I don’t understand why people have kids if they want to do things like holidays alone. They’re not pets you put into a kennel for weeks.

honeylulu · 15/02/2023 12:37

Depends on your "set up". Some grandparents are very involved from day 1 and very enthusiastic about having grandchildren to stay and the parents don't feel a moment of worry or guilt about going away and do so 2 or 3 times a year.

Other grandparents are more "arms length" for various reasons and it's just not really workable.

When I was a child we often went to stay with grandparents sometimes for a couple of weeks. They loved it, we loved it. Sometimes it was because our mum went on holiday with her friend (our dad worked long hours) and sometimes just for fun. Naively I assumed my own parents would do the same but they definitely didn't want to. They had my eldest twice for two nights at a time but I definitely got the impression they found it hard work and they'd rather I hadn't asked. They've never had youngest to stay.

Possibly I could have leant on them to have the kids to stay more/longer but I wouldn't because I knew they wouldn't be happy, the kids would be uncomfortable because they don't have a close relationship and I'd be too on edge.

Your friend just doesn't know what sort of set up you have though so her comment was fair enough.

I'd love to go on holiday with just my husband now and again but we don't have the set up so we can't. Just how it is.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 15/02/2023 12:40

Mumsnet seem to hate holidays with Toddlers but I’ve some wonderful memories of Toddler cuddles in the pool and dancing to routines at kids discos. Embrace that, love it. Then longer trips when older, bribery works. I.e. ten hour flight to Asia but we can do 2 days in Disney/universal etc

Woahtherehoney · 15/02/2023 12:42

My mum was a single mum and once every couple of years when me and my brother were little she’d go away with friends for a few days and my Nan would come and stay but we had a really close bond with her and saw her all the time so it was totally normal for us to spend more time with her. Not sure how it would’ve felt for us if we hadn’t had a close bond with her or wasn’t use to seeing her a lot, it would’ve felt weird I think. So no I don’t think yabu I think it’s perfectly normal to feel hesitant about leaving your DD

jays · 15/02/2023 12:42

Lcb123 · 15/02/2023 11:51

She’s only making a suggestion-I think you’re being quite rude saying she has ‘no idea’. I know plenty of parents who do this and their kids aren’t traumatised

You really know of PLENTY of parents who piss off for a fortnight on holiday without their kids? Doubt that very much.

Emmamoo89 · 15/02/2023 12:42

YANBU X

Fupoffyagrasshole · 15/02/2023 12:43

it's up to you - either you want to do that or you don't!

Personally I'm in the not letting my kids stop me doing things - so we have taken daughter everywhere from a young age- she's off backpacking in Asia with my husband & I on Saturday for a few weeks (she's almost 2) she's been heaps of places already and no probs with long haul flights / travelling etc - I couldn't wait to have holidays and stuff until she was older.

I've also left her for a week before to go to Glastonbury and will be again this year - and my husband and I are off to a wedding in Portugal in the summer and leaving her with my mum!

But you do you -everyone has different preferences so if you wouldn't leave her then don't feel pressured to!

Ponoka7 · 15/02/2023 12:45

The issue is their mobility issues and the child not used to overnights with them. My DD did holidays from a couple of months old and her last holiday was ten days (children 4&7). If the person who you are leaving them with is a first/secondary carer, then there's no harm done. It's then upto you. Those who do go on holiday/to work don't love their children any less than those who won't.

StandALot · 15/02/2023 12:46

RichardHeed · 15/02/2023 12:34

I don’t understand why people have kids if they want to do things like holidays alone. They’re not pets you put into a kennel for weeks.

Because it's nice to have a break and be a person rather than a parent sometimes.
One week out of fifty two isn't a big ask.
My dog goes into kennels when I go away, it doesn't mean that I want or love him any less.
I don't understand why anyone would want to be with their kids every waking moment fifty two weeks of the year, but there we go, each to their own.
No rights and no wrongs to it. It's what the parents feel is right for them.

AlbertaAnnie · 15/02/2023 12:48

It’s a personal choice - personally I think 3 is very young and 10 days is too long but maybe consider a mini break instead like 2 nights??

Prettypaisleyslippers · 15/02/2023 12:51

Forgot to answer question. No, I wouldn’t leave DC for a holiday, work trip, if mandatory yes not a trip to Mexico for a fortnight

Ponoka7 · 15/02/2023 12:51

jays · 15/02/2023 12:42

You really know of PLENTY of parents who piss off for a fortnight on holiday without their kids? Doubt that very much.

Show quote history

I do. I was a 70's child. We'd be left with GPs because the new Spanish holidays were expensive. I was taken around the UK by my GPs, mainly to visit family. Most of my DD's peer group try to stick to a week -10 days without the children. It was within the two cultures of my family (both sides) to have to travel for seasonal work, children were left within the family. It's still like that globally. Children do well in extended families. If a family has a lot of children and their aunt/uncle was childless, they'd be sent there.

Wazzzzzuuuuuuup · 15/02/2023 12:51

We first left my dcs for 2 nights when youngest dc was 1. We were in the UK. I would not have left the country when they were that young.
We went to Madrid for 3 nights when youngest was 5. That was OK. My dcs were close to grandparents but still felt a little long.

I went abroad for 6 nights last year, leaving youngest dc (16) with eldest (18). That was fine although dcs were resentful that we were having a lovely jolly without them (it was March and they were at school).

Every year we have had a family holiday, usually abroad in places the kids enjoy. I don't think dragging a toddler to a west end show or a 4 year old skiing or scuba diving is appropriate. Parents shouldn't be expected to delay all aspects of their lives for 18 years or more.

People are quick to come online with the whole "it takes a village" thing, and then clutch their pearls when grandparents or other trusted caregivers look after dcs for a few days.

Are your dcs allowed to go on holiday without you (with GPs or with friends when older) or must we all only holiday with our nuclear families forever?

Saying that, my DBro took the piss, leaving my v difficult niece with my mum for over a week on several occasions as a young baby/toddler and my DM wasn't really coping.

xogossipgirlxo · 15/02/2023 12:51

It's up to the person, in my view. I even spoke to my husband about it not long ago, and we both agreed we would want to take child with us on holidays, because it's just nice to spend time away together as family. It's something different than just work-house-shopping etc.

moosel · 15/02/2023 12:52

RichardHeed · 15/02/2023 12:34

I don’t understand why people have kids if they want to do things like holidays alone. They’re not pets you put into a kennel for weeks.

I totally disagree with this, its really unfair on parents. I'm more than just a mum, I need my own time. Taking kids on holiday isn't a holiday, I'm a single mum of 2 and I'm blessed with a GM who takes them for one week a year in the summer holidays. I'm not kennelling my kids. They get holidays with me too.

reddwarfgeek · 15/02/2023 12:52

Some posters questioning that people do this. I can think of 4 friends off the top of my head that have had full childfree holidays when their children were young (under primary school age), leaving DC in the care of grandparents.
My friend recently went to Vegas for a week with her husband leaving their 3 year old DD with her grandma. The grandma is in her 70s and not in fantastic health but it all worked out fine. However, their DD is used to overnight stays with grandma.
If you want to do this, could you arrange for your DD to stay overnight with her GP's beforehand? I'm guessing she's be hypothetically staying with your DH's parents as they live in the same country?

mycatsanutter · 15/02/2023 12:52

It's a long way to go if anything goes wrong and would they really want a 2 year old for that amount of time ? I couldn't do it , but everyone is different .how about a city break just the 2 of you and a family holiday together not too far Spain maybe

takealettermsjones · 15/02/2023 12:52

Two nights would be my absolute maximum at that age I think. But that's me.

I'd also worry in this particular situation about leaving a three year old with older grandparents with mobility problems, quite apart from the fact they don't see DC an awful lot.

Mumsafan · 15/02/2023 12:53

Left all ours at various times. Our DD has been left probably at least once a year since the year she was born. It gives them a break as much as you. She quite likes it now she's older as My DM comes over and they have a great girlie week.

Swiftswatch · 15/02/2023 12:54

RichardHeed · 15/02/2023 12:34

I don’t understand why people have kids if they want to do things like holidays alone. They’re not pets you put into a kennel for weeks.

It’s hardly comparable.
Parents are still people when they have children, they are allowed to have interests outside their children, they are allowed to have interests that are different to their children, they are allowed to spend time with people other than their children.
One holiday for a week every few years hardly undoes all the parenting you do the rest of the year to make it pointless having kids because you dare to do something without them!

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