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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave DD behind to go on holidays

137 replies

Itsybitsyminion · 15/02/2023 11:45

Just picking your brain on this one. We have a 3yo and no much family support as DH parents live in another city (we don't see them much) and my family lives abroad. DD knows well both grandparents but she's not exactly used to be left with them except for a short time. They are also on their 70s and have some mobility problems.
In conversation with a dear friend with no kids I mentioned I would love to go on holidays to Mexico but will wait a couple of years so my DD can enjoy more the experience abroad with us and handle better such a long flight. She asked me why won't I leave her behind for 7 or 10 days with grandparents? If I will never go on holidays again just with DH and enjoy ourselves? Now, I am not sure if my mind would be at rest leaving her for so long, not sure if I am ready for that, and I actually feel like holidays like this should mean making memories as a family. Is this first time mum syndrome? Am I right in not wanting to leave DD behind? Or is my friend being unreasonable because she has no idea what it is to have children?

OP posts:
mybunniesandme · 15/02/2023 12:54

I wouldn't personally do it no and I'd be a bit judgy of parents who did. Just being honest there. I do work full time though and so time with my children is precious. Spare time is to enjoy them, make memories, have fun. Otherwise....what was the point?

Apairofsparklingeyes · 15/02/2023 12:58

Your friend doesn’t have children. Has she spent a lot of time around babies and young children? If not, she really doesn’t know what she’s talking about!

Your instincts tell you that 1. it wouldn’t be fair to leave your DD with the grandparents for a week due to their age and health and 2. she is too young to be left for so long. Trust how you feel and wait until your DD is school aged.

TeenLifeMum · 15/02/2023 13:00

Dh and I have the odd weekend away but dc are young for such a short time I wouldn’t personally have a big holiday without them - but then I took dd4 and dtds 20 months to Canada then to New York when they were 5 and 9. Dc travel well if they’re used to it.

LadyHarmby · 15/02/2023 13:01

No, I would not leave my 3 year old with infirm grandparents for 7-10 days for a long haul holiday and I would judge anyone who did.

Littlewhitecat · 15/02/2023 13:01

My parents did this every single year for at least two weeks to go to the USA. My gran used to come and stay at our house and it was awful. She was too old to look after the three of us, she was a terrible cook and she couldn't drive. We lived in a small village so for those two weeks we were stuck at home with a gran who really didn't want to be there and me having to parent my brothers. The most aggravating part of this is my mum would not look after my kids for more than a night ever. She claims she was doing her mother a favour letting her come to our house because she lived with her sister ( my DMs aunt) and it gave her a break. I would never leave my two for 2 weeks because I hated it but a couple of nights would have been nice.

gogohmm · 15/02/2023 13:03

I didn't leave mine for a whole week until older primary, and that was to attend a wedding. I didn't have children to palm them off on other people (I also was a sahm, then part time for similar reasons, with lifestyle changes to accommodate the lower income)

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/02/2023 13:03

DoorstoManual · 15/02/2023 12:09

I won’t leave my 22 year old.😂

Well I will but, always feel bad excluding him.🙈😂

@DoorstoManual

why?!

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/02/2023 13:04

gogohmm · 15/02/2023 13:03

I didn't leave mine for a whole week until older primary, and that was to attend a wedding. I didn't have children to palm them off on other people (I also was a sahm, then part time for similar reasons, with lifestyle changes to accommodate the lower income)

@gogohmm

🥇

Newnamenewme23 · 15/02/2023 13:05

DoorstoManual · 15/02/2023 12:09

I won’t leave my 22 year old.😂

Well I will but, always feel bad excluding him.🙈😂

This. I like sharing holidays with them and feel they miss out not coming. But it may be different if you can afford a family holiday and an adults only one.

my parents used to leave us with grandparents/aunts/uncles and go away fairly regularly. I didn’t have a choice and thought it was normal so put up with it. I couldn’t do it though.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/02/2023 13:07

all those who couldn’t abide the thought of your kids not coming on holiday for years and years…

do you not miss holidays just you and your DH?

where you’re just yourself and not a parent?

where you can go sight seeing or day drinking or scuba diving or whatever - basically adult only stuff?

no judgment, just genuinely curious!

I don’t understand and would like to?!

jays · 15/02/2023 13:09

Ponoka7 · 15/02/2023 12:51

I do. I was a 70's child. We'd be left with GPs because the new Spanish holidays were expensive. I was taken around the UK by my GPs, mainly to visit family. Most of my DD's peer group try to stick to a week -10 days without the children. It was within the two cultures of my family (both sides) to have to travel for seasonal work, children were left within the family. It's still like that globally. Children do well in extended families. If a family has a lot of children and their aunt/uncle was childless, they'd be sent there.

Show quote history

I was a 70s child too and had similar experiences to be fair! I think it’s very different now but I get what you’re saying about that time period. x

Abraxan · 15/02/2023 13:11

If I will never go on holidays again just with DH and enjoy ourselves?

We did our first holiday abroad without Dd last year. She was 19y.
The year before we did our first U.K. holiday without her.

She, incidentally, did holidays without us several times before, with friends and before that with other family.

It wasn't something that bothered us or something we desired. We'd have had plenty of opportunities and childcare options had we wanted to. We had the odd days/nights away, but not a holiday. We loved our time away as a family and Dh and I both enjoyed ourselves during them. They were different ti the holidays we had before she was born obviously. Not worse, just different.

We are currently on holiday now. Dd, who is 20y, is with us again :)

Swiftswatch · 15/02/2023 13:15

mybunniesandme · 15/02/2023 12:54

I wouldn't personally do it no and I'd be a bit judgy of parents who did. Just being honest there. I do work full time though and so time with my children is precious. Spare time is to enjoy them, make memories, have fun. Otherwise....what was the point?

Otherwise…what was the point?

So you don’t do a single thing throughout the year without your children? They accompany you every second of every day?

Whats the point in having kids if you’re going to go to the gym without them? Or work? Or go on a girls night? Or go out to lunch with your mum? Or go shopping with your sister? Or go for a meal with your husbands? Or a work Christmas party?

new2mn · 15/02/2023 13:15

My parents did this when I was little and I have such fond memories of my time staying at my grandparents' magical place, knowing my parents were away in "grown up" or "parents" land or whatever. I think the romance/ couple time was probably good for them as well.

new2mn · 15/02/2023 13:16

I also went on some holidays with my parents when I was little but tbh don't really remember them, I have zero or very faint recognition looking at pictures. I only strongly remember those magical times at my grandparents'.

Beseen22 · 15/02/2023 13:19

My DP wouldn't take my kids for that amount of time (50s) and I wouldn't want them to. They've never done an overnight.

I am however going away next year for DSIL big birthday and we have deliberated taking the kids as the eldests would really love it and there is plenty for them to do but decided in the end that it is a completely different dynamic of a holiday and they will be at home with their dads, will be much more affordable and we can actually speak without being interrupted for the first time in 8 years. We both are definitely the primary parents and do every school drop off pick up sick day strike day etc etc and I don't feel guilty for having a long weekend childfree.

anya21 · 15/02/2023 13:27

I think it could be a very traumatic even scarring espeience for your DC to be left with people whe does not really know that well.Time passes very slowly when you are young, 10 days will seem like a very long time and she wont understand where you have gone

honeylulu · 15/02/2023 13:31

*do you not miss holidays just you and your DH?

where you’re just yourself and not a parent?

where you can go sight seeing or day drinking or scuba diving or whatever - basically adult only stuff?*

Yes to all of that. But grandparents were never keen and I didn't want our children to go where they're not wanted. Having said that I've worked FT since they were babies so maybe my career is my chance to "be myself". Plus our kids got used to holidaying with us and are seasoned travellers now. Most of our best memories are family holidays,looking on the bright side!

Newnamenewme23 · 15/02/2023 13:39

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/02/2023 13:07

all those who couldn’t abide the thought of your kids not coming on holiday for years and years…

do you not miss holidays just you and your DH?

where you’re just yourself and not a parent?

where you can go sight seeing or day drinking or scuba diving or whatever - basically adult only stuff?

no judgment, just genuinely curious!

I don’t understand and would like to?!

We don’t go on holiday very often. Budgeting for a holiday for me and dh and the kids not getting to go away feels wrong.

children can go sight seeing and scuba diving? That’s not adults only. In fact we probably do more with the kids than we would without as we book more activities- there’s quite a few things I’ve done on holiday that I’ve unexpectedly loved. Only done it because the kids wanted to, would never have thought about it just me and dh. Stuff like theme parks, water parks, boat trips, paddle boarding, excursions etc.

we don’t drink so kid don’t make a difference there.

dh and I have plenty of plans to travel when we’re older and kids have their own lives. They can come with if they choose.

it’s nice to spend time as a family as well.

KvotheTheBloodless · 15/02/2023 13:42

I wouldn't leave my 5-year-old for 7-10 days, but I don't think it's a bad thing for parents to do if they have a resilient child who will cope well.

If the child would be miserable or very upset then I think it's cruel, but sometimes it's a necessity due to health issues/family deaths overseas.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/02/2023 13:47

Theres a lot of middle group between Mexico for 7-10 days and never leaving dc at all. Plus they’re only three - not being ready now is hardly a case of “never again” - it’s only been three years!

A weekend in Paris or something would be more reasonable than a long haul holiday

LadyHarmby · 15/02/2023 13:50

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/02/2023 13:07

all those who couldn’t abide the thought of your kids not coming on holiday for years and years…

do you not miss holidays just you and your DH?

where you’re just yourself and not a parent?

where you can go sight seeing or day drinking or scuba diving or whatever - basically adult only stuff?

no judgment, just genuinely curious!

I don’t understand and would like to?!

Yes, I would like to go scuba diving still but my desire to do that comes second to the well-being of my children. I had plenty of time to do it before they came along and will have again once they’re grown. It’s only a few short years where you put their needs before your own.

Plus I do lots of things with DH and other adult centric things that don’t involve going to Mexico for 10 days.

MajorCarolDanvers · 15/02/2023 13:52

We are fortunate that we can afford both 'making memory family holidays' and 'adult jollies when we palm the kids off on the GPs'

You are quite reasonable to not want to leave your child. Others are also quite reasonable to leave their children with loving GPS fir an adult holiday l.

You do what's right for you. Your friend was only making a suggestion. Nothing wrong with that.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/02/2023 13:55

And those three years were the Covid years so basically you’ve not missed any time at all for child free long haul holidays so far.

SnackSizeRaisin · 15/02/2023 13:55

I think 3 is a bit young to leave for a whole week unless GP are already doing a lot of childcare. Also it depends on the GP and whether they would be completely exhausted by it.

Maybe start with a weekend and see how that goes?

My 3 year old wouldn't want to be left overnight without us yet. I am thinking when she's 4 I will try her at grandma's for a night. Obviously children differ and some would be fine at 3.