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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave DD behind to go on holidays

137 replies

Itsybitsyminion · 15/02/2023 11:45

Just picking your brain on this one. We have a 3yo and no much family support as DH parents live in another city (we don't see them much) and my family lives abroad. DD knows well both grandparents but she's not exactly used to be left with them except for a short time. They are also on their 70s and have some mobility problems.
In conversation with a dear friend with no kids I mentioned I would love to go on holidays to Mexico but will wait a couple of years so my DD can enjoy more the experience abroad with us and handle better such a long flight. She asked me why won't I leave her behind for 7 or 10 days with grandparents? If I will never go on holidays again just with DH and enjoy ourselves? Now, I am not sure if my mind would be at rest leaving her for so long, not sure if I am ready for that, and I actually feel like holidays like this should mean making memories as a family. Is this first time mum syndrome? Am I right in not wanting to leave DD behind? Or is my friend being unreasonable because she has no idea what it is to have children?

OP posts:
LadyHarmby · 15/02/2023 17:36

JimHensonWasAGenius · 15/02/2023 17:32

Or she might happily want to leave her kids for a child free holiday.

Show quote history

With GPs the kid hardly knows?

You’re talking general childfree holidays, I’m talking the OPs specific situation.

MarshaMelrose · 15/02/2023 17:41

I never used to leave mine other than a weekend and I thought it was a bad thing to do. But as I got older, I met a few people who used to have a week away. Their children always seemed happy. They were happy.
I'm a convert and if I had my time again, I'd definitely try it...if I could get a relative to agree to help me out!!
People should do what works for them and their family.

MajorCarolDanvers · 15/02/2023 17:42

@bakingmummy21

Why do people have kids and go on holiday without them?!

Because

I enjoy adult time with my DH
Visiting places that would not be of interest to my kids
My kids enjoy time with GPs or aunties and cousins and now older Scout camps

I also enjoy holidaying with my children so we do both.

gemloving · 15/02/2023 17:43

Why don't you want to take her?

Cherryblossoms85 · 15/02/2023 17:48

My kids ski with their aunt. We don't like skiing. This results in separate holidays.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 15/02/2023 17:53

I wouldn't do it.
DC is only three once - holidays with children were different but they loved holidays when we were all together.
Also 70s plus in laws with mobility issues and not familiar with 3 year old for 10 days is quite a Long time for a little one.

Why not have a family holiday and a weekend away just the two of you..

Untitledsquatboulder · 15/02/2023 17:56

gemloving · 15/02/2023 17:43

Why don't you want to take her?

^^ This. Does it matter if she remembers it if she enjoys it at the time? Or are you planning 10 days of backpacking around remote regions, or trekking or something not child friendly?

JimHensonWasAGenius · 15/02/2023 17:57

LadyHarmby · 15/02/2023 17:36

With GPs the kid hardly knows?

You’re talking general childfree holidays, I’m talking the OPs specific situation.

Show quote history

I was referring to where you said.....

"Agree that it is exactly the sort of opinion a non-parent would express. If she has kids one day, she’ll realise."

She may become a parent and be perfectly happy leaving her DC's.

2bazookas · 15/02/2023 18:03

Your childless friend hasn't a clue about the needs of a three yr old ( or the elderly GP's)

ApiratesaysYarrr · 15/02/2023 21:38

The people who are suggesting that you just leave your kid behind with GPs and go on holiday are likely to be in a position where they have close family that are young and fit and that they see regularly enough that their kids may be comfortable with being left.

There are also people that even under such circumstances would not want to leave their kids behind.

Neither is wrong. You do what works for you and your nuclear family unit i.e. you, husband and child.

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 15/02/2023 21:40

No I wouldn't leave my child in these circumstances

Clymene · 15/02/2023 22:00

My parents went on holiday for 2 weeks when I was 8. I hated it, fen though I really liked the woman who looked after us. I would never do it to my children.

Of course parents have to travel for work. But not for holidays. If you don't want to holiday with pesky kids, don't have them.

PugInTheHouse · 15/02/2023 22:05

My DC are close to my parents and have stayed over there's since they were tiny so we have felt comfortable to leave them to go on holiday. Never been more than a week, not sure I could even leave my dogs for a week haha!

If your child has not stayed with them even for a weekend then I certainly wouldn't be happy leaving them for 7-10 days. My parents would have been just over 50 when my DC were born also which makes a huge difference.

Abouttimemum · 15/02/2023 22:09

Well it’s up to you really. I wouldn’t go on holiday without my DS3 but plenty of my friends take short breaks. I don’t know anyone whose been away for more than 5 nights, and that’s leaving the kids with someone they are very familiar with.

Holidaying without my son is not for me!

Original poster
Itsybitsyminion · 15/02/2023 22:13

Thank you. Menorca this year. What age, from your experience, you think she can handle a long flight?

OP posts:
PugInTheHouse · 15/02/2023 22:19

Itsybitsyminion · 15/02/2023 22:13

Thank you. Menorca this year. What age, from your experience, you think she can handle a long flight?

Mine did a long haul flight to Vegas at 3.5 years and 18 months. We have done various flights with them and never had an issue. Just be prepared with loads of snacks and things to do and don't be precious with screen time on flights lol.

Original poster
Itsybitsyminion · 15/02/2023 22:20

MaverickGooseGoose · 15/02/2023 11:54

I have left DTs for 2 nights, and I love when they go to the grandparents for a sleepover if we have a night out but no way would I leave them for 7-10 nights for a holiday. They come too. And having flown long haul with them when they were 3, definitley wait until she's older!

Go to Mallorca or wherever, it will be a fab holiday and easy.

Thank you. From your experience from which age to take her on a long flight?

OP posts:
Mummyof287 · 15/02/2023 22:25

Your 'friend' is being very unreasonable- leaving a 3yo with grandparents who are that age and have mobility issues especially for that amount of time doesn't sound fair on them or your child.You"ll have plenty of time to go away when they are older! Don't let your friend get in your head and interfere with your correct instinct, that it is not a good idea to be away from your toddler for that long, that far away.She needs you close at her age.

Remaker · 15/02/2023 22:35

Basically there are parents who do this and there are parents who don’t. The ones who do will tell you all the reasons it’s so necessary for their relationship, kids get to bond with GP etc. The ones who don’t will say once you’re a family you should holiday together, it’s selfish to leave the kids behind, etc.

Neither is right they are just doing what feels right to them. I have zero interest in holidaying away from my kids and I enjoy holidays with them. DH and I have been away for 1 night a couple of times. And we had a weekend away when kids were about 10 & 11 and they stayed with their aunt and uncle and cousins who are a similar age and had a great time. But a 10 day holiday abroad? No I wouldn’t do it. Others would and that’s up to them.

Abraxan · 16/02/2023 09:17

Itsybitsyminion · 15/02/2023 22:13

Thank you. Menorca this year. What age, from your experience, you think she can handle a long flight?

Dd flew long haul from being 2. Was totally fine. She enjoyed being in a plane, would wear headphones, could and would eat almost anything, was fairly easily occupied.

So depends on your child.

EyesOnThePies · 16/02/2023 09:28

When I am in my 70s and if I am experiencing mobility difficulties there is no way I would take full responsibility for a 3 year old while their parents swan off to another continent for 10 days!

Be as present and helpful as possible, yes. Babysit regularly, yes, do childcare for an overnight and a day to enable a night away yes, probably.

But the friend’s model expects a lot of a 70-80yo grandparent with mobility difficulty.

And personally I would not have been able to leave my young kids for that long. I did a couple of 2 or 3 night work trips, and enjoyed the experience of being away but felt as if a part of me had been ripped out. But that’s me, everyone is different, to no disadvantage to their kids.

EyesOnThePies · 16/02/2023 09:32

OP: I took ours on 11 hour flights (family visits) at 8 months, at 3, at 5 and onwards.

First short haul at 10 weeks.

All have their challenges but all do-able.

Frankola · 16/02/2023 11:56

Why can't you take a 3 year old to Mexico? We've been travelling with my dd since she was 9 months old on long and short haul holidays.

One of my friends recently went to Kos for a week with her husband. Left their 2 kids behind with her parents, aged 75. In our friendship circle it was widely considered to be incredibly selfish to deny the kids a nice family holiday and to expect 75 year olds to provide 7 nights of unrelenting childcare.

A 3 night city break is one thing, but I couldn't leave my dd for a week or 2 to go to a foreign country.

Sceptre86 · 31/05/2023 14:12

The responses you get will really vary. There will be some who have never left their kids and those that would happily leave a 3 month old baby to go for a week away. To each their own. What matters is how comfortable you are with the idea. It might not appeal now as your dd is very little. It may well change as she gets older.

My own kids are 7, 5 and 20 months. I wouldn't want to go abroad without them right now but my feelings might change as they get older. We have no family support and the only alone time we get is when the kids are in bed. I don't see it as a hardship though and I wouldn't choose to be away from mine (currently).

unclebuck · 31/05/2023 14:17

My parents did this. I would not consider it.