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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave DD behind to go on holidays

137 replies

Itsybitsyminion · 15/02/2023 11:45

Just picking your brain on this one. We have a 3yo and no much family support as DH parents live in another city (we don't see them much) and my family lives abroad. DD knows well both grandparents but she's not exactly used to be left with them except for a short time. They are also on their 70s and have some mobility problems.
In conversation with a dear friend with no kids I mentioned I would love to go on holidays to Mexico but will wait a couple of years so my DD can enjoy more the experience abroad with us and handle better such a long flight. She asked me why won't I leave her behind for 7 or 10 days with grandparents? If I will never go on holidays again just with DH and enjoy ourselves? Now, I am not sure if my mind would be at rest leaving her for so long, not sure if I am ready for that, and I actually feel like holidays like this should mean making memories as a family. Is this first time mum syndrome? Am I right in not wanting to leave DD behind? Or is my friend being unreasonable because she has no idea what it is to have children?

OP posts:
FoodieToo · 15/02/2023 13:57

Do the grandparents who have their own issues want your child for nearly 2 weeks??

SnackSizeRaisin · 15/02/2023 13:58

Swiftswatch · 15/02/2023 13:15

Otherwise…what was the point?

So you don’t do a single thing throughout the year without your children? They accompany you every second of every day?

Whats the point in having kids if you’re going to go to the gym without them? Or work? Or go on a girls night? Or go out to lunch with your mum? Or go shopping with your sister? Or go for a meal with your husbands? Or a work Christmas party?

Show quote history

It said in the post that she works FT so presumably kids are in childcare most of the time, certainly not glued to her side. In that scenario I can completely see that the precious 4 weeks of the year you aren't working you would want to spend with children.

Most of the things you mentioned could be done in an evening after bed time so are irrelevant

BurbageBrook · 15/02/2023 14:00

It would be frankly weird to leave your DD with grandparents she doesn't often stay with! Poor thing would be bewildered. I don't plan on leaving my DC to go on holiday ever. One night away or a weekend, sure, but not any more than that.

Jimboscott0115 · 15/02/2023 14:01

7+ days, no I wouldn't. I always saw it as part of the deal that long holidays when you have kids become family holidays and always thought that by doing it I'd actually be actively making the kids miss out on an experience they'd get loads out of.

Long weekends/city breaks for 2/3 nights though? Yeah I think that's ok as the kids would likely be fairly bored anyway and a weekend at grandparents was good for them all.

Suedomin · 15/02/2023 14:01

I didn't go on holiday without my children until the youngest was 16. Me and DH were perfectly happy about that. We had children because we wanted a family and to spend time together as a family. Honestly there is plenty of time to do things without children when they are grown! I certainly would never leave a 3 year old for 10 days. That would be unfair on both your child and their grandparents. So no you are not being unreasonable.

LongRoadtoNowhere · 15/02/2023 14:03

This is probably quite silly but a couple years ago my family and I watched some home movies from when my brother and I were kids. There was some footage from a “family” holiday, except I was nowhere to be seen.

My DM then told me that I’d been left at home (although she couldn’t remember who with) as I was too young to enjoy the trip and they didn’t want to worry about me being near a pool 🙄

I’m still annoyed about it! So yeah, I’d definitely not leave my kid behind to go on holiday without them 🤣

BurbageBrook · 15/02/2023 14:05

@StandALot so you're literally away from your kids for almost 4 percent of their life, every year? That's quite a lot!

Abraxan · 15/02/2023 14:06

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/02/2023 13:07

all those who couldn’t abide the thought of your kids not coming on holiday for years and years…

do you not miss holidays just you and your DH?

where you’re just yourself and not a parent?

where you can go sight seeing or day drinking or scuba diving or whatever - basically adult only stuff?

no judgment, just genuinely curious!

I don’t understand and would like to?!

do you not miss holidays just you and your DH?

Not really. We had different priorities and wants when Dd was smaller. We'd had many years of holidays before Dd arrived. We still got nights/weekends free occasionally if and when we wanted them.
Dd still chooses to holiday with us as a young adult and we love having her with us.

where you’re just yourself and not a parent?

Been there and done that for years before. Had time when we could just be ourselves at home anyway.

where you can go sight seeing or day drinking or scuba diving or whatever - basically adult only stuff?

We did sight seeing with Dd anyway. She was never into just being on a beach or by the pool. We didn't really do much 'adult only' type activities much on holidays before. I guess we didn't drink so much when Dd was smaller but then didn't really do holidays involving lots of day drinking anyway. Even before Dd, I think we probably drank more back in the U.K. than we did on holidays. And once she was a little older it was easier again. We did a fiat number of holidays with family or friends when Dd was younger so childcare was a bit more shared, even when we spend the whole time together. Dd was entertained by friends her age or family members, not just us. And our holiday choices changed a little bit.

I can imagine it'd be really hard to enjoy an all inclusive beach type holiday with a toddler/young child. But we didn't really do that before or after Dd was born.

And obviously now we can do day time drinking and the likes when we've r we want. Dd just joins us. It's just a lot dearer now 😂

GloomyDarkness · 15/02/2023 14:11

IL did this - DH doesn't seem to mind now or at the time - he was left at scout camp, friends family and GP.

We did find it annoying though when they gatecrash our annual family holiday and then complained were weren't putting the kids in kids camp -so they could speed even more time wanging on about their previous decades holidays to us.

I would wait till she was older and leave her with GP she know well - but frankly holidays with kids are fun in their own ways - or I found them so - and you do have before and after their childhood to go for kid unfriendly ones.

So while we've not done this - can't really see any harm.

Redglitter · 15/02/2023 14:16

She asked me why won't I leave her behind for 7 or 10 days with grandparents? If I will never go on holidays again just with DH

I dont know anyone who'd leave children for that length of time. A weekend is fair enough but not a week & not that far away

You'll have years of holidays just you & your husband once your child/children are grown up

Ignore her

IWasFunBeforeMum · 15/02/2023 14:49

I wouldn't as you say holidays are for family memories IMO

KarmaStar · 15/02/2023 14:56

When the dc is older,possibly but to leave them for that long when they haven't stayed before could be traumatic for them at this very young age.
I wouldn't do it but she's your child.

InsufficientMum · 15/02/2023 15:16

My colleague used to travel back to her home country and leave her preschoolers with her parents for 4 weeks every summer. She started when they were 2. They didn't go on holiday, it was for childcare.

JimHensonWasAGenius · 15/02/2023 15:24

No GP involvement here whatsoever but DH and I have been leaving DS now 17 with my Dsis from the age of 6m every year to go on holiday on our own for anything up to a fortnight.

Brendabigbaps · 15/02/2023 15:27

Mexico amazing for kids

Whatsshecalled · 15/02/2023 16:03

I think when childfree its hard to imagine why anyone would want to go on holiday with kids, but a lot of parents love it, my best memories are on holiday with my kids, I wouldn't have wanted to go on a proper holiday without them and now as they reach their teens Im painfully aware that the time where they want to be with us is limited, only a few years left until a holiday with parents is just 'lame'. So, no, I don't think you're at all unreasonable I will enjoy holidays with my DH again one day but Ill definitely miss the family holidays.

StandALot · 15/02/2023 16:15

BurbageBrook · 15/02/2023 14:05

@StandALot so you're literally away from your kids for almost 4 percent of their life, every year? That's quite a lot!

Not when you consider that they had me for the othe 96% of the year it's not.

NewtyJESUS · 15/02/2023 16:16

As long as the child is happy with the grandparents why not? I would have loved to stay with mine for 2 weeks when I was younger before the got ill and developed dementia etc

olympicsrock · 15/02/2023 16:29

My boys are 11 and 7 and do stay with grandparents for a few days at a time to help with childcare. It helps that they are together and DS1 supports DS2. This summer will be for 6 nights which is the longest.

We will miss them loads but I know they will have a good time and enjoy bonding with granny who spoils them. I’m not sure I could ask it for a holiday though.

bakingmummy21 · 15/02/2023 16:42

Why do people have kids and go on holiday without them?! Don’t understand why anyone would do this unless it’s a short break for a special occasion eg child free wedding or anniversary. I have 3DC and in the past 5 years I have had 1 night away with DH on our own and that was in 2019. We don’t have any grandparents near us or help so we’re probably the extreme the other way but I wouldn’t even consider doing a long haul holiday without my DC. Like you I’m waiting until they’re old enough to enjoy it. DD is 5 now, loves swimming etc. so I can’t wait to do those kind of trips with her (and my two DS’s). If you want long child free holidays you probably shouldn’t have children IMO!!!

BurbageBrook · 15/02/2023 17:04

@LuckySantangelo35 I could just as easily ask you:

Do you not miss your kids when you are on these extended holidays with your DH?

Do you not miss being the person your kids can rely on?

Do you not wish you could watch them enjoy the holiday with you?

Is day drinking really so important to you that it trumps spending quality time with the kids?

Can you not bring your kids sightseeing with you? Etc etc.

Obviously it's all a case of individual perspective and how we feel about holidays. Personally I cannot imagine ever choosing to spend precious holiday time without kids and I know my parents never would have done it to me as a kid.

Original poster
Itsybitsyminion · 15/02/2023 17:10

Just to be clear I don't want to leave my DD anywhere to go away on holidays. That's not what I wrote on my post. This is to get an opinion from other parents about what my friend suggested, as to me only someone without kids would think it's easy to leave a 3yo behind for so long with the GP that my DD barely spends time with.

OP posts:
JimHensonWasAGenius · 15/02/2023 17:21

bakingmummy21 · 15/02/2023 16:42

Why do people have kids and go on holiday without them?! Don’t understand why anyone would do this unless it’s a short break for a special occasion eg child free wedding or anniversary. I have 3DC and in the past 5 years I have had 1 night away with DH on our own and that was in 2019. We don’t have any grandparents near us or help so we’re probably the extreme the other way but I wouldn’t even consider doing a long haul holiday without my DC. Like you I’m waiting until they’re old enough to enjoy it. DD is 5 now, loves swimming etc. so I can’t wait to do those kind of trips with her (and my two DS’s). If you want long child free holidays you probably shouldn’t have children IMO!!!

You are very fortunate that your children are able to do all those things though are'nt you?

My DS is not.

Maybe DH and I shouldn't have had him then?🙄

LadyHarmby · 15/02/2023 17:27

Itsybitsyminion · 15/02/2023 17:10

Just to be clear I don't want to leave my DD anywhere to go away on holidays. That's not what I wrote on my post. This is to get an opinion from other parents about what my friend suggested, as to me only someone without kids would think it's easy to leave a 3yo behind for so long with the GP that my DD barely spends time with.

Agree that it is exactly the sort of opinion a non-parent would express. If she has kids one day, she’ll realise.

JimHensonWasAGenius · 15/02/2023 17:32

LadyHarmby · 15/02/2023 17:27

Agree that it is exactly the sort of opinion a non-parent would express. If she has kids one day, she’ll realise.

Show quote history

Or she might happily want to leave her kids for a child free holiday.