....to think men are, sorry, but AWFUL

[TrainteaAnnie]

Straight woman, mid thirties. Have had three 3 year relationships. Everyone one seemed like the 'nice' guy, the kind you can trust..
One caught with porn addiction, one found dm'ing other girls on social media, one outright cheated while drunk on a lads holiday.
I'm dating a lovely man now, but I honestly just had this feeling like... It's inevitable, at some point, he's gonna be like all the rest. I can't trust him although he's not given me reason not to.
And then there's life, every night I come on Mumsnet and read another horror story of some poor married woman, often with young DC completely blindsided by a discovery of infidelity. Or a woman married for 40 years to her best friends finding out he's used prostitutes for their entire marriage.
In the news, Megan Fox being cheated on. That horrid situation with Joe Westerman.
It's everywhere, endlessly. Men driven by their dicks ruining women's lives. Women who trust and love them. It makes me feel ok physically sick thinking about it all. I feel like I never want to talk to this guy I'm dating again even though, maybe 10 years ago, I'd be in love with him. I just emotionally can't do it anymore. Men are awful.

Help!

I was never punched in the face. spat on or bitten by men, ever

Well you've been luckier than most DV survivors - in their homes.

How can 57% of people think she's not being unreasonable by judging all men?

How can she possibly be not unreasonable judging her current man, who has done nothing wrong, in the actions of other men?

Where's the logic?

If you can't find a decent man, that's not a reason to lash out at all men.

Do you think they make generalisations about women on men's forums? Of course they do and those generalisations are often absolutely witless if not vile and insidious, so why do we do exactly the same thing?

I think most decent men commit to a relationship quite quickly and tend to have married and settled down by their late twenties/early thirties. Some women are used to always getting a lot of male attention (ie having a “wide pool” to select from) but don’t notice that the quality of that attention - in terms of willingness to make a serious lifetime commitment - often starts to decline pretty rapidly as you hit thirty.

You need therapy and it’s not the entire male races fault. You are brain washing yourself out of good relationships.

I know some really good men and I absolutely don’t hate them etc etc still think that on average men are just not that great. The poster pointing out that 20% of women have convictions, I mean it says it all doesn’t it every man you meet has a 1 in 3 chance of having a conviction and every woman 1 in 5. The ex who beat me up and I called the police, nothing happened to him, absolutely nothing, pictures taken of the bruising etc but no conviction. He’s in that 66% without convictions.

I'm a strong believer in "red flags". They are there from the very beginning but we decide not to see them because we are already emotionally invested.

Think about when marriage was created . It was only meant to last 15 -20 years tops. People didn't live long . People mature and change . Women don't put up with what they put up with years ago , they have choices . Yes I also believe men are more selfish and not as emotional or sentimental. Most men think weddings and Valentine's Day are a load of crap but just go along with it . They would not bother with. Xmad or Easter . That is why they seem to find someone quickly after a breakup or death of a partner.

I think most decent men commit to a relationship quite quickly and tend to have married and settled down by their late twenties/early thirties.

Another generalisation based on limited information.

I know plenty of decent men who didn't commit. I also know plenty of decent men who committed when it was the wrong thing to do, leading to pain for the people around them further down the line.

Can we just stop with the generalisations?

Straight woman, mid thirties. Have had three 3 year relationships. Everyone one seemed like the 'nice' guy, the kind you can trust..
One caught with porn addiction, one found dm'ing other girls on social media, one outright cheated while drunk on a lads holiday.

  I'm curious to know how you found out.  In each relationship,  was each of the above a total shock,  the very first clue/inkling that individual was not trustworthy? 

If you found out by sneaking a suspicious look in their phone/social media, that implies there was already some hollowness or rote at the core of the relationship.

I did read your post and whichever way you look at it, that's a huge leap from 33% to 'most'. Whatever percentage 'most' is.

But this is MN so expect drama.

Think about when marriage was created

Marriage wasn't created.

It was a formalisation of pair bonding.

But yes, it probably lasted a considerably shorter time.

I agree OP, unfortunately. A huge reason I’m single and plan on being so forever! I have 2 sons who are kind, respectful and generally lovely people so they give me hope.

My ex Fil remarried within 18 months of his wife's death . When the kids were crying for their mum he said she's gone she's not coming back . I've seen it time and time again a man doesn't wait long to find someone else they put their needs first

As a concept yes I agree, men are fucking shit.

@KattyKattyKatz Think about when marriage was created . It was only meant to last 15 -20 years tops.

What makes you think that?

100%

Ok, here we are again. SO, what are WE doing to raise our sons to behave better?! Let’s have concrete commitment to change rather than the griping! As an example, there was a thread yesterday where a Mum was saying how a group of 12 yo boys were taking over the toddler play park to mess around with their footballs in rather than go to the park (with pitches) round the corner. When she spoke to them to ask them to stop they completely ignored here. The op was then ripped to shreds on MN being told she should just let the 12yos play and take her toddler elsewhere. So WE are breeding and encouraging the arrogant, aggressive & misogynistic behaviour by letting them think it’s ok to behave like this. For goodness sake, it’s our parenting that will shape the future, let’s do something about it.

Men are (too) sexually motivated and many seem unwilling to control themselves. I love my DH but I know one day he might fuck off and leave me for another woman like thousands of others have. I think being on MN has made me even more aware of that.

And if any of us know any widows who remarried within 18 months, that would cancel out your anecdote wouldn't it?

That would suggest that women also put their needs first, wouldn't it?

I would recommend all mothers of boys read this book. It's really helped me think about the ways in which I'm raising my boys.

www.amazon.co.uk/Boys-Will-Be-Patriarchy-Masculinity/dp/1786076632

And yet according to many on this thread they are still shit by virtue of their sex.

What, 100% BS?

@PorpoiseWithPurpose hates male defenders but some of us can't help being in strong relationships with decent men. Or knowing men like my FIL who's absolutely wonderful, whilst my MIL is an evil witch from hell.

It's not wrong to disagree with the OP because our lives experience differs from hers. Sure we all know men can be shit but MN is an echo chamber.

@PorpoiseWithPurpose is talking about a subset of men who aren't necessarily representative of the whole. Having a negative view of the whole is a bit abnormal really and quite sad. I feel a bit sorry for anyone that tars a class of people (or any groups) with the same broad brush.

I got to the point now where I don't even want to make eye contact with men when I'm out. I just blank them, keeping awareness of their rough shape so I don't bump into them. Sometimes if they are staring hard at me and I accidentally look I feel disgusted. It doesn't matter how good looking or not, I just know 9/10 they are assessing my fuckability and sexual worth. I know in their eyes I'm reduced to physical appearance which is why I dress modest and androgenous even though I love frilly, feminine fitted styles. I wear dark loose, oversized clothes often without make up or just concealer for my enormous eyebags. I actually feel safer when I walk with DH or with my DC but even this doesn't stop men hitting on me, even at children's activities, even when my DH is there. If there is a need to communicate with a man I keep it to a minimum and send DH to deal with him. I physically feel repulsed when I see men flirting or hitting on women specifically middle aged men hitting on teens and twenties women. I think all the news about policemen were the last straw for me. If my DH dies or we separate I wouldn't have a relationship with a man ever again even though I'm straight.

Oh God. You lost me at “mother in law from hell.”

It doesn't matter how good looking or not, I just know 9/10 they are assessing my fuckability

When you say it doesn't matter how good looking or not you're admitting that you're assessing their fuckability too. A swingeing lack of self awareness from you.