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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to think men are, sorry, but AWFUL

855 replies

TrainteaAnnie · 15/02/2023 08:03

Straight woman, mid thirties. Have had three 3 year relationships. Everyone one seemed like the 'nice' guy, the kind you can trust..
One caught with porn addiction, one found dm'ing other girls on social media, one outright cheated while drunk on a lads holiday.
I'm dating a lovely man now, but I honestly just had this feeling like... It's inevitable, at some point, he's gonna be like all the rest. I can't trust him although he's not given me reason not to.
And then there's life, every night I come on Mumsnet and read another horror story of some poor married woman, often with young DC completely blindsided by a discovery of infidelity. Or a woman married for 40 years to her best friends finding out he's used prostitutes for their entire marriage.
In the news, Megan Fox being cheated on. That horrid situation with Joe Westerman.
It's everywhere, endlessly. Men driven by their dicks ruining women's lives. Women who trust and love them. It makes me feel ok physically sick thinking about it all. I feel like I never want to talk to this guy I'm dating again even though, maybe 10 years ago, I'd be in love with him. I just emotionally can't do it anymore. Men are awful.

Help!

OP posts:
Justalittlebitduckling · 15/02/2023 09:59

Theyre honestly not all like that. And let’s not forget it takes two to cheat, unless one party genuinely doesn’t know the other is already in a relationship.

TicketBoo23 · 15/02/2023 10:01

ancientgran · 15/02/2023 09:45

Oh poor Vanessa, it wasn't her fault was it. Would you let a man pull your strings so you abused babies in your care and sent him photos. She has responsibility for what she did.

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She's an animal (insult to animals) but the fact remains that women almost never sexually abuse children without a man grooming them to do it/not in conjunction with a man.

And obviously their numbers are extremely low compared to men too.

Valentinesquestion · 15/02/2023 10:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ancientgran · 15/02/2023 10:03

Twawmyarse2 · 15/02/2023 09:51

I think incidents like these involving women are much more likely to make the news and be remembered in public consciousness.

Men's abuse of women and children generally doesn't get reported in the press as it would take up the whole newspaper.

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The reporting is a separate issue, you said no one would blink an eye at hearing of those sort of things, murder, abuse and murder of a toddler, sexual abuse of a baby by a person in a responsible position. I think anyone who wouldn't blink an eye at that has a problem.

TicketBoo23 · 15/02/2023 10:03

Twawmyarse2 · 15/02/2023 09:51

I think incidents like these involving women are much more likely to make the news and be remembered in public consciousness.

Men's abuse of women and children generally doesn't get reported in the press as it would take up the whole newspaper.

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This.

MaybeSmaller · 15/02/2023 10:03

@RadioactiveWear so find a sugar daddy, then? That’s the path to a healthy and balanced relationship?
Men are all 100% terrible so might as well marry a rich old lech who will buy you stuff?
I’ve seen some cynicism on this thread but that takes the biscuit.

Dammitthisisshit · 15/02/2023 10:04

Luckydip1 · 15/02/2023 09:38

@ThePixiesTookIt regardless, women cheat just as much as men.

In most age groups they don’t. discreetinvestigations.ca/infidelity-statistics-who-cheats-more-men-or-women/

theworldhas · 15/02/2023 10:04

@FellPuck

Monogamy. Possibly that least great taboo? Historically until the last 200 years, I’d wager most of the wealthy in most cultures didn’t value monogamy that highly. It was encouraged and accepted more for the poorer masses - but then they’d usually be dead by 40 or 50 anyway. It’s never been much more than an economic compromise to safeguard the rearing of children.

In the modern world of course it’s still the gold standard as it makes society and individuals more predictable and therefore easier to govern.

CallieQ · 15/02/2023 10:04

Not all men are awful....

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 15/02/2023 10:04

I agree, OP. And I hate when the men defenders come on.

How many women do you see with porn addictions?

How many women use prostitutes?

How many women abuse their positions of trust trying to sleep with young men?

Whats the percentage of men who frequent strip clubs compared to women

The amount of sexual assaults committed by women?

Look around ladies. They’re living in plain sight. Even the good ones really aren’t. Sadly, it’s a man’s world. It’s all been set up so they can get away with this shit.

The bar for men is so low. People think they’re doing well if their husband does a bit of housework and only watches porn on Sundays.

CallieQ · 15/02/2023 10:05

Breaking news... many women cheat too!

ancientgran · 15/02/2023 10:05

TicketBoo23 · 15/02/2023 10:01

She's an animal (insult to animals) but the fact remains that women almost never sexually abuse children without a man grooming them to do it/not in conjunction with a man.

And obviously their numbers are extremely low compared to men too.

Show quote history

Again I say that what I was referring to was the comment that what women do is incomparable to what men do. Some women do bad things and that is on them, the numbers who do it are different but to say these things are less because a woman does them or to lessen what they do because the bad man made them do it is infantilising women.

TicketBoo23 · 15/02/2023 10:06

FellPuck · 15/02/2023 09:51

I think to some extent the problem is that people are trying to fit into boxes that perhaps don't really make sense - most people are looking for "til death do us part monogamy", but there isn't any evidence that this is a natural, healthy, nor especially enjoyable thing for humans to endure. And most people seem pretty crap at it, so maybe it isn't the right thing to strive for in the first place.

The problem with that is financial.

We get tied up financially and people don't want to lose resources when they go they separate ways.

They also don't want to upset and destabilise kids. Sometimes even adult kids

TicketBoo23 · 15/02/2023 10:07

ancientgran · 15/02/2023 10:05

Again I say that what I was referring to was the comment that what women do is incomparable to what men do. Some women do bad things and that is on them, the numbers who do it are different but to say these things are less because a woman does them or to lessen what they do because the bad man made them do it is infantilising women.

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Nobody said the crimes were less.

They said the numbers of the crimes are minute compared to men's.

JamSandle · 15/02/2023 10:07

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 15/02/2023 10:04

I agree, OP. And I hate when the men defenders come on.

How many women do you see with porn addictions?

How many women use prostitutes?

How many women abuse their positions of trust trying to sleep with young men?

Whats the percentage of men who frequent strip clubs compared to women

The amount of sexual assaults committed by women?

Look around ladies. They’re living in plain sight. Even the good ones really aren’t. Sadly, it’s a man’s world. It’s all been set up so they can get away with this shit.

The bar for men is so low. People think they’re doing well if their husband does a bit of housework and only watches porn on Sundays.

100% agree with your post.

FrippEnos · 15/02/2023 10:08

PorpoiseWithPurpose

Do you really believe that the answer to your questions is 0?

AdamRyan · 15/02/2023 10:08

TicketBoo23 · 15/02/2023 09:37

While it is, of course, possible to encounter such behaviour anywhere ......is it not a known fact that OLD is sen and used by some men as a sex hook up medium?

Even if the sites are not specifically hook up ones?

This "use," of old has been observed for a long time so I'm not sure why it's surprising.

Mal adjusted men think women are on old for sex.

There are therefore always sex seekers (or whatever persuasion, fetish or not) all over old.

One of the major downsides if using it is encountering them. But that should be like fly swatting, if you want to try old.

And if course it's still worth trying because a percentage of people meet partners on there. I know two married couples at least who met on old.

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Maladjusted men think everything women do is about sex.
Wearing a vest? Showing off body, must want sex. Smiling at them? Flirting, must want sex. Not smiling at them? Frigid, must need a good shag.

Maladjusted men are the problem

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 15/02/2023 10:09

BreviloquentBastard · 15/02/2023 08:17

I feel like I know lots of great men, most in happy marriages or relationships. I've met and known my fair share of dreadful arseholes as well, to be fair.

The reality of humanity is that lots of us are selfish bastards, and selfishness is far more innate in far many of us than anyone would like to admit.

But I'm an optimist and I know there are gooduns out there minding their own business. You don't hear as much about them because honestly, who wants to read a post about "my husband got up early to clean the kitchen so I wouldn't have to, brought me tea in bed and is now cheerfully being taught to crochet by my daughter. I have zero complaints about our marriage." That's boring! We like drama and discord, that's also human nature.

I'm sorry your experiences dating have been sucky. This little optimist will hold out hope that the current one is one of the quiet good catch crowd.

This. I don’t tell him much but, on the whole, my DH is pretty great.

Agree that there are many complete arseholes out there though and I’m not sure I would go rushing into another relationship (or even bother with OND) if things went wrong.

FrippEnos · 15/02/2023 10:09

CrescentMoons · 15/02/2023 09:00

What expecting trust, truth, respect etc is too much!!!

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It appears that there is a short fall of this from both sides.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 15/02/2023 10:09

FrippEnos · 15/02/2023 10:08

PorpoiseWithPurpose

Do you really believe that the answer to your questions is 0?

Did I say that?

Pyewhacket · 15/02/2023 10:10

Twawmyarse2 · 15/02/2023 09:47

What experiences have you suffered at the hands of men? I'm guessing even worse/more frequent.

Unless you work on a womens-only ward in which case your view will be very skewed? (If there's even such a thing nowadays)

I used to work in the nhs and was verbally abused regularly by men and dealt with some very anti-social behaviours. Can't recall any incidents from women.

Also, just out of interest - how did a female patient manage to piss on you?

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I was never punched in the face. spat on or bitten by men, ever. And I was trying to take a urine sample when she just threw it all over me. All the homeless people I've treated were men, many of them ex-servicemen and the many suicide attempts I've dealt with in ICU were overwhelmingly men. I could go on and on. I just don't agree that all men are awful, that's sexist bovine.

Twawmyarse2 · 15/02/2023 10:10

ancientgran · 15/02/2023 10:03

The reporting is a separate issue, you said no one would blink an eye at hearing of those sort of things, murder, abuse and murder of a toddler, sexual abuse of a baby by a person in a responsible position. I think anyone who wouldn't blink an eye at that has a problem.

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I think you are trying to twist the meaning of my words ancientgran but fine if that fits your "women are just as bad as men" agenda.

TotallyLosttonight · 15/02/2023 10:11

I hear you. I agree. They are shits.

FrippEnos · 15/02/2023 10:11

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 15/02/2023 10:09

Did I say that?

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Its seems to be what you are impying from your post

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 15/02/2023 10:12

FrippEnos · 15/02/2023 10:11

Its seems to be what you are impying from your post

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Incorrect. It’s what YOU are implying from my post.