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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to think men are, sorry, but AWFUL

855 replies

TrainteaAnnie · 15/02/2023 08:03

Straight woman, mid thirties. Have had three 3 year relationships. Everyone one seemed like the 'nice' guy, the kind you can trust..
One caught with porn addiction, one found dm'ing other girls on social media, one outright cheated while drunk on a lads holiday.
I'm dating a lovely man now, but I honestly just had this feeling like... It's inevitable, at some point, he's gonna be like all the rest. I can't trust him although he's not given me reason not to.
And then there's life, every night I come on Mumsnet and read another horror story of some poor married woman, often with young DC completely blindsided by a discovery of infidelity. Or a woman married for 40 years to her best friends finding out he's used prostitutes for their entire marriage.
In the news, Megan Fox being cheated on. That horrid situation with Joe Westerman.
It's everywhere, endlessly. Men driven by their dicks ruining women's lives. Women who trust and love them. It makes me feel ok physically sick thinking about it all. I feel like I never want to talk to this guy I'm dating again even though, maybe 10 years ago, I'd be in love with him. I just emotionally can't do it anymore. Men are awful.

Help!

OP posts:
GrinAndVomit · 17/02/2023 19:20

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 19:15

@GrinAndVomit nothing wrong with discussing it, but don't question my thoughts.... which is what's happened on here.

I will not be silenced!

Oh good!

So, OP, I’d like to point out again, the fact that he stated that whenever he is in doubt, he always to chooses to trust and encouraged you to do the same.

Please just keep this in mind moving forward with this man. Do not let this be the start of gaslighting you into doubting yourself. Do not allow this to be a way for him to silence your questions.

I hope it was just a poorly delivered, innocent statement and I’m reading too much into it but please just be aware.

Good luck, OP x

FrippEnos · 17/02/2023 19:21

Spiderboy · 17/02/2023 18:59

Everyone I read the news I ask myself why we don’t have men on some kind of electronic tag system. It’s horrific really and men do not care

If you are going to do it lets have the curfew and and do it properly. Not the two nights as above

But then when its been suggested before on here, its always gone down the route of the men will still have to do the night work and shifts.

Seems that the women that suggest it don't want to work that they would have to cover to make it work.

TheVolturi · 17/02/2023 19:24

Split from dh before Xmas under traumatic circumstances. He put me through hell for almost two decades. No way I wil have another relationship with a man.

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 19:25

@GrinAndVomit what I'd say to OP is good on you for pressing ahead, don't expect the worst, you're a sensible person and as you say he's a lovely man (not really allowed to say he's a lovely man, the man haters will jump on you for that. Use the term good).

Enjoy your flourishing relationship!

Flowers
AdamRyan · 17/02/2023 19:32

FrippEnos · 17/02/2023 19:21

If you are going to do it lets have the curfew and and do it properly. Not the two nights as above

But then when its been suggested before on here, its always gone down the route of the men will still have to do the night work and shifts.

Seems that the women that suggest it don't want to work that they would have to cover to make it work.

Show quote history

That's just bollocks. Plenty of women work night shifts.

Personally I favour getting men to have some kind of penis license. They'd have to prove they understand consent, the law relating to sexual harassment and assault, and why objectification is bad. Then they would be allowed out after dark.

Sort of like a citizen test or a driving license. Men who harassed or attacked women would have it revoked and have a tag fitted.

It would be lovely to have the same freedoms as men.

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 19:35

@AdamRyan OMG penis license!!

At least you're proving to everyone that you're batshit crazy!

What age would you do the test, how often would it need to be renewed?

It sounds utterly fascinating and a real chance that it could happen.

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 19:37

@AdamRyan so it's only after dark that attacks on women happen....................

Really?

GrinGrinGrinGrinGrin

As a supposed advocate for keeping women safe, I'm not wholly convinced this is good advice?

Just saying.

Findingapath · 17/02/2023 19:45

I remember realising this as a young teenager, when I watched an episode of Crimewatch and all the awful people on it were men, it suddenly dawned on how it was men that were responsible for so much of the crime etc.

Liz1tummypain · 17/02/2023 19:45

Most, or at least a high proportion of the unhappy relationship threads I see on mumsnet I'm sure would be reflected from the other side in a dadsnet type forum.

As for all the rape and assault that undeniably exists in the world, as in male perpetrated, yes we can't trivialise or minimise it. And of course women can rape and assault men. Still I don't understand why it has not affected me personally (yet). I'm sure if I knew exactly what my friends have been through, some ( perhaps a large number) have experienced it. Always going to be difficult to tell the true numbers.

All I can conclude is there are undoubtedly bad men and bad women in the world and luckily I haven't had to come into contact with too many

Most of the men in my life are lovely and wouldn't hurt a fly.

AdamRyan · 17/02/2023 19:48

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 19:37

@AdamRyan so it's only after dark that attacks on women happen....................

Really?

GrinGrinGrinGrinGrin

As a supposed advocate for keeping women safe, I'm not wholly convinced this is good advice?

Just saying.

It's motivational so men start behaving. Act like an adult round women, or get sent to your room (house) until you can behave.

Women would have more confidence being out and about as the men would be licensed.

Actually maybe it's more like a dog license

AdamRyan · 17/02/2023 19:49

And of course women can rape and assault men
Actually in the UK women can't rape men. It is a crime that requires a penis.

AdamRyan · 17/02/2023 19:50

Most of the men in my life are lovely and wouldn't hurt a fly.
Awww. Your nigels sound lovely

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 19:54

AdamRyan · 17/02/2023 19:50

Most of the men in my life are lovely and wouldn't hurt a fly.
Awww. Your nigels sound lovely

So do your Karens!

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 19:56

@AdamRyan what's a dog license? I have a dog, have for 15 years, never had a license. I've got a driving license, a tv license, do they count?

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 19:56

Liz1tummypain · 17/02/2023 19:45

Most, or at least a high proportion of the unhappy relationship threads I see on mumsnet I'm sure would be reflected from the other side in a dadsnet type forum.

As for all the rape and assault that undeniably exists in the world, as in male perpetrated, yes we can't trivialise or minimise it. And of course women can rape and assault men. Still I don't understand why it has not affected me personally (yet). I'm sure if I knew exactly what my friends have been through, some ( perhaps a large number) have experienced it. Always going to be difficult to tell the true numbers.

All I can conclude is there are undoubtedly bad men and bad women in the world and luckily I haven't had to come into contact with too many

Most of the men in my life are lovely and wouldn't hurt a fly.

I totally agree 👏

Spiderboy · 17/02/2023 20:00

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 19:00

All men? Don't be ridiculous!

Tags

Days when they are curfews for them

Jesus fucking Christ!

Show quote history

Yes, it’s a really sad world we live in. I don’t know a single women who hasn’t been sexually harassed by a man, and I know many who have been assaulted. People suggest stricter conditions for dogs who behaviour better than many of the men out there

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 20:02

@Spiderboy not on MN they don't!

They want all boys drowned at birth!

AdamRyan · 17/02/2023 20:04

Spiderboy · 17/02/2023 20:00

Yes, it’s a really sad world we live in. I don’t know a single women who hasn’t been sexually harassed by a man, and I know many who have been assaulted. People suggest stricter conditions for dogs who behaviour better than many of the men out there

Show quote history

Yes.
Also if you'd been bitten by two dogs, and were nervous, people would understand.

As opposed to telling you dogs that bite are really rare, they know loads of dogs that don't bite, and that you are just a paranoid and bitter dog hater who is damaging the world by distrusting dogs.

And why don't you want to hear how lovely their Rover is. He would never bite. You must have either provoked those dogs or been hanging out with feral street dogs that bite. Ridiculous to be scared of dogs.

Spiderboy · 17/02/2023 20:09

AdamRyan · 17/02/2023 20:04

Yes.
Also if you'd been bitten by two dogs, and were nervous, people would understand.

As opposed to telling you dogs that bite are really rare, they know loads of dogs that don't bite, and that you are just a paranoid and bitter dog hater who is damaging the world by distrusting dogs.

And why don't you want to hear how lovely their Rover is. He would never bite. You must have either provoked those dogs or been hanging out with feral street dogs that bite. Ridiculous to be scared of dogs.

Show quote history

And yet you say most dogs don’t bite. Then why have all women been harassed?

PartridgeInAChair · 17/02/2023 20:12

FlissyPaps · 17/02/2023 17:02

When women have been treated so poorly in the past by men and have been abused, assaulted and cheated on- reading posts like “I have met a nice man” isn’t really helpful or encouraging.

It implies the woman who have not yet met a nice man are doing something wrong. That they are not preserving. That they are choosing the “wrong” men.

Nobody wants a slagging men off thread. It’s incredibly childish and defensive to even suggest that.

Women are tired of being treated like shit by men. Society views women very differently to men. Statistically men are more likely to have a criminal record. Men are more likely to abuse. Men are more likely to murder.

So of course some women are going to slag off men. Sorry if that offends you and all the great men in your life.

Show quote history

I do feel for you and realise that not everyone's lives have mapped out the same. I have just had drinks with Husband and friend couples and had a really nice time.

Then again I will be accused of being smug.

I have had other things to deal with which I can't go into detail because I already think I've gave too away and don't want to be recognised.

Even though I've disagreed with posters I know everyone has different feelings.

I do dislike one poster who I hope I never come across again.

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 20:13

@Spiderboy not all women have been harassed

AdamRyan · 17/02/2023 20:14

Not all women have. You clearly haven't read the thread. Posters on here have loads of friends who have never been abused. You are just unusual.

And even women have been abused, its because they haven't spotted the red flags. If they were stronger it wouldn't have happened.

But if they did know how to spot the red flags, they would be man haters who would never find love and also put other women off finding love by mentioning the red flags.

So perhaps they just haven't met their Nigel yet.

I think that's what I've learnt from the thread 🤔

PartridgeInAChair · 17/02/2023 20:15

@GrinAndVomit

I have had more abuse of you than anyone since 29 years ago

PartridgeInAChair · 17/02/2023 20:15

Off you

FrippEnos · 17/02/2023 20:19

AdamRyan

What is bollocks is you twisting what I have posted.

I didn't say that women don't work nights, I said that those that come up with bat shit solutions like curfews don't want to work nights (etc.) and come up exceptions so that they wouldn't have to.

Even with these hypothetical solutions they are not thinking things through.