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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to think men are, sorry, but AWFUL

855 replies

TrainteaAnnie · 15/02/2023 08:03

Straight woman, mid thirties. Have had three 3 year relationships. Everyone one seemed like the 'nice' guy, the kind you can trust..
One caught with porn addiction, one found dm'ing other girls on social media, one outright cheated while drunk on a lads holiday.
I'm dating a lovely man now, but I honestly just had this feeling like... It's inevitable, at some point, he's gonna be like all the rest. I can't trust him although he's not given me reason not to.
And then there's life, every night I come on Mumsnet and read another horror story of some poor married woman, often with young DC completely blindsided by a discovery of infidelity. Or a woman married for 40 years to her best friends finding out he's used prostitutes for their entire marriage.
In the news, Megan Fox being cheated on. That horrid situation with Joe Westerman.
It's everywhere, endlessly. Men driven by their dicks ruining women's lives. Women who trust and love them. It makes me feel ok physically sick thinking about it all. I feel like I never want to talk to this guy I'm dating again even though, maybe 10 years ago, I'd be in love with him. I just emotionally can't do it anymore. Men are awful.

Help!

OP posts:
AdamRyan · 17/02/2023 11:44

The problem with talking about insecurities is that if you are unfortunate enough to be talking to someone manipulative, they will use them against you

And abusive men fall into that category....its such a catch 22

PartridgeInAChair · 17/02/2023 11:45

Lro · 17/02/2023 11:41

I agree that most men are shits, in my experience. I can honestly say I have not come across one that hasn't engaged in some sort of deceptive / cheating / misogynistic behaviour. That goes for my father, uncles, grandparents, BIL, friends, partners of friends, my own partners.

Be warned OP, I've also had the chat about 'my insecurities' with ex-partners. I've talked about my exes shitty behaviour, all the while my current partner acts aghast and shocked that any man could behave like that. Low and behold, time and time again, the current partner then exhibits the exact same behaviour at some point down the road.

Really?

OP has made her decision, just leave it.

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 11:47

Lro · 17/02/2023 11:41

I agree that most men are shits, in my experience. I can honestly say I have not come across one that hasn't engaged in some sort of deceptive / cheating / misogynistic behaviour. That goes for my father, uncles, grandparents, BIL, friends, partners of friends, my own partners.

Be warned OP, I've also had the chat about 'my insecurities' with ex-partners. I've talked about my exes shitty behaviour, all the while my current partner acts aghast and shocked that any man could behave like that. Low and behold, time and time again, the current partner then exhibits the exact same behaviour at some point down the road.

The OP seems to have faced her insecurities and is happy to continue the relationship, can you not accept that and wish her luck?

Lro · 17/02/2023 11:47

@PartridgeInAChair @AdamRyan Has just echoed exactly what I just said.

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 11:47

AdamRyan · 17/02/2023 11:44

The problem with talking about insecurities is that if you are unfortunate enough to be talking to someone manipulative, they will use them against you

And abusive men fall into that category....its such a catch 22

Could you not accept and respect the OPs decision and wish her luck?

Lro · 17/02/2023 11:48

@IndiaDreamer You can wish someone good luck whilst also imploring them to keep their eyes wide open.

PartridgeInAChair · 17/02/2023 11:53

@IndiaDreamer

I'm losing the will to live on this thread.

I've also just read an absolute hilarious comment on another thread. I don't think I can say which one without getting banned.

PartridgeInAChair · 17/02/2023 11:54

Lro · 17/02/2023 11:47

@PartridgeInAChair @AdamRyan Has just echoed exactly what I just said.

I didn't.

PartridgeInAChair · 17/02/2023 11:56

Lro · 17/02/2023 11:47

@PartridgeInAChair @AdamRyan Has just echoed exactly what I just said.

Oh you were saying that @AdamRyan echoed you.

I'm sorry but we've been arguing for the last two days so this means nothing to me.

PartridgeInAChair · 17/02/2023 12:00

AdamRyan · 17/02/2023 11:44

The problem with talking about insecurities is that if you are unfortunate enough to be talking to someone manipulative, they will use them against you

And abusive men fall into that category....its such a catch 22

You really are on a crusade to put women off having a relationship with a man.

I'm sorry but I'm finding it quite funny now.

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 12:06

PartridgeInAChair · 17/02/2023 11:53

@IndiaDreamer

I'm losing the will to live on this thread.

I've also just read an absolute hilarious comment on another thread. I don't think I can say which one without getting banned.

I agree it's unbelievable, the OP has stated what she wants and it's still not right!

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 12:07

Lro · 17/02/2023 11:48

@IndiaDreamer You can wish someone good luck whilst also imploring them to keep their eyes wide open.

I didn't see one hint of good luck in your post!

ganvough · 17/02/2023 12:12

Fab outcome OP. Well done you for acknowledging your own insecurities and responsibilities and being honest with this chap. And I'm pleased he has had a mature and equally vulnerable response.

Just remember there are billions of people in this world. Different races, cultures - particularly relevant in the UK which is a melting pot. We only meet a negligible fraction of people, and what we do hear in the media is always the most extreme examples of good or bad. Media exists to profit essentially and the average joe/Jane stories of nice, normal, ordinary men and women living uneventful lives don't sell.

I love reading the commendation stories in police, military, bravery awards to learn of perfectly ordinary people doing amazing selfless things - many of them men. Brings balance to all the media negativity which is intended to keep you in a state of panic/anxiety - that's what keeps you hooked to the media outlets.

Since you'll never know what majority of men, women, different races are like - you can choose to believe in the good of people or believe in the bad. Much like being an optimist or pessimist, we all have different attitudes to life and how we approach it. It always helps to be cautious of course and give trust when it's earned but you shouldn't live a life of fear. That will take a bad toll on your health and psyche and not make life any more enjoyable.

Whatever happens, it's best to not catastrophise. A bad thing can happen and be acknowledged without it meaning that everything will always follow suit, and be bad. One bad relationship doesn't mean every man/relationship will be bad. You'll be alive hopefully for like 80 years - makes no sense to have a few years of bad experiences dictate the majority of your life. You read survival stories of men and women who've been through such awful awful trauma and it's fascinating how people facing the same trauma can react so differently. We forget how unique we are, mentally and physically. So you may be far more resilient and indeed optimistic than you realise. You don't need anyone to tell you whether men are crap or not - you can choose how you perceive them based on your unique individual make up.

Good luck with your relationship! Hope it goes well.

PartridgeInAChair · 17/02/2023 12:15

@ganvough

What an amazing post.

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 12:19

ganvough · 17/02/2023 12:12

Fab outcome OP. Well done you for acknowledging your own insecurities and responsibilities and being honest with this chap. And I'm pleased he has had a mature and equally vulnerable response.

Just remember there are billions of people in this world. Different races, cultures - particularly relevant in the UK which is a melting pot. We only meet a negligible fraction of people, and what we do hear in the media is always the most extreme examples of good or bad. Media exists to profit essentially and the average joe/Jane stories of nice, normal, ordinary men and women living uneventful lives don't sell.

I love reading the commendation stories in police, military, bravery awards to learn of perfectly ordinary people doing amazing selfless things - many of them men. Brings balance to all the media negativity which is intended to keep you in a state of panic/anxiety - that's what keeps you hooked to the media outlets.

Since you'll never know what majority of men, women, different races are like - you can choose to believe in the good of people or believe in the bad. Much like being an optimist or pessimist, we all have different attitudes to life and how we approach it. It always helps to be cautious of course and give trust when it's earned but you shouldn't live a life of fear. That will take a bad toll on your health and psyche and not make life any more enjoyable.

Whatever happens, it's best to not catastrophise. A bad thing can happen and be acknowledged without it meaning that everything will always follow suit, and be bad. One bad relationship doesn't mean every man/relationship will be bad. You'll be alive hopefully for like 80 years - makes no sense to have a few years of bad experiences dictate the majority of your life. You read survival stories of men and women who've been through such awful awful trauma and it's fascinating how people facing the same trauma can react so differently. We forget how unique we are, mentally and physically. So you may be far more resilient and indeed optimistic than you realise. You don't need anyone to tell you whether men are crap or not - you can choose how you perceive them based on your unique individual make up.

Good luck with your relationship! Hope it goes well.

👏

RosetteNebula · 17/02/2023 12:29

hekissedmybottom · 17/02/2023 10:37

Yup. I'm single and loving it and I'm 41 and I don't even want to get with a man ever again. What could I possibly need from one? I get horny once a month and I have options there, not that I take it up much. Not arsed, it passes. Bring on menopause.

Ha this will be me if I ever split up with DH. I only want sex when I'm ovulating and I just could not be arsed to start again with another relationship. I'd certainly never live with a man again.

emptythelitterbox · 17/02/2023 12:33

There was an article about curfew for men a couple of years ago but I think it'd be good to have one for 2 days a month.

2 days where women and children can be out and about and not have to deal with men.

Of course that has no effect on those who live with abusive men.

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 17/02/2023 12:36

RosetteNebula · 17/02/2023 12:29

Ha this will be me if I ever split up with DH. I only want sex when I'm ovulating and I just could not be arsed to start again with another relationship. I'd certainly never live with a man again.

Show quote history

Me too, never want a coupled up relationship ever again, maybe casual sex here and there with someone nice, not some lame drag that needs a nurse.

GrinAndVomit · 17/02/2023 12:40

AdamRyan · 17/02/2023 11:44

The problem with talking about insecurities is that if you are unfortunate enough to be talking to someone manipulative, they will use them against you

And abusive men fall into that category....its such a catch 22

Agreed. The fact he stated the bit about when he’s feeling insecure, he always errs on the side of trust would be a red flag for me. He’s basically telling her to ignore and doubts.
IF he is another of the bad ones, this is really sowing the seeds for gaslighting her later down the line.

A healthier response would have been “yeah I have the same worries so we’ll make sure we keep conversations open and honest and take each day as it come without rushing anything”

not “yeah so later on, if I start acting suspiciously or badly, you need to remember you said you’d believe anything I said to explain it without further questions”

PartridgeInAChair · 17/02/2023 12:43

GrinAndVomit

Can't you and @AdamRyan start your own thread.

OP has decided she wants to find a loving relationship.

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 13:02

GrinAndVomit · 17/02/2023 12:40

Agreed. The fact he stated the bit about when he’s feeling insecure, he always errs on the side of trust would be a red flag for me. He’s basically telling her to ignore and doubts.
IF he is another of the bad ones, this is really sowing the seeds for gaslighting her later down the line.

A healthier response would have been “yeah I have the same worries so we’ll make sure we keep conversations open and honest and take each day as it come without rushing anything”

not “yeah so later on, if I start acting suspiciously or badly, you need to remember you said you’d believe anything I said to explain it without further questions”

Show quote history

Pick, pick, pick, the man can't have a different view, he must say exactly as you anticipate.

I hope you get dictated too as to what you should say in every conversation,

GrinAndVomit · 17/02/2023 13:07

PartridgeInAChair · 17/02/2023 12:43

GrinAndVomit

Can't you and @AdamRyan start your own thread.

OP has decided she wants to find a loving relationship.

No, thank you 😊

PartridgeInAChair · 17/02/2023 13:09

@GrinAndVomit Is your Husband allowed to speak without being corrected on everything?

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 13:10

PartridgeInAChair · 17/02/2023 13:09

@GrinAndVomit Is your Husband allowed to speak without being corrected on everything?

She gives him a choice of answers, to help limit him getting it wrong, just a choice of two obviously.

GrinAndVomit · 17/02/2023 13:13

PartridgeInAChair · 17/02/2023 13:09

@GrinAndVomit Is your Husband allowed to speak without being corrected on everything?

Of course ☺️
Pointing out potentially worrying language is not dictating language.
OP was asking whether she should trust this man, I’m just saying “be aware of this and see how it develops”

or would you rather women not be aware of how abuse starts almost invisibly in the early stages?