....to think men are, sorry, but AWFUL

[TrainteaAnnie]

Straight woman, mid thirties. Have had three 3 year relationships. Everyone one seemed like the 'nice' guy, the kind you can trust..
One caught with porn addiction, one found dm'ing other girls on social media, one outright cheated while drunk on a lads holiday.
I'm dating a lovely man now, but I honestly just had this feeling like... It's inevitable, at some point, he's gonna be like all the rest. I can't trust him although he's not given me reason not to.
And then there's life, every night I come on Mumsnet and read another horror story of some poor married woman, often with young DC completely blindsided by a discovery of infidelity. Or a woman married for 40 years to her best friends finding out he's used prostitutes for their entire marriage.
In the news, Megan Fox being cheated on. That horrid situation with Joe Westerman.
It's everywhere, endlessly. Men driven by their dicks ruining women's lives. Women who trust and love them. It makes me feel ok physically sick thinking about it all. I feel like I never want to talk to this guy I'm dating again even though, maybe 10 years ago, I'd be in love with him. I just emotionally can't do it anymore. Men are awful.

Help!

What do you want me to say? To be fair last night I couldn't be arsed to really answer you. I don't think I owe you a list why I have a decent Husband.

If I start listing all his amazing qualities I will be accused of being smug by a certain other poster anyway.

I'm not married

You said your ex was abusive

Women can choose to date or not - I never said not to date. I said I think its reasonable/understandable to think men (as a group) are awful. I am very disappointed in male behaviours.

This is getting circular now

You said your ex was abusive

NOT MY LAST PARTNER!

My first ever boyfiend.

FFS!

Very circular.

You have more bad experiences. I have had one! So now I'm being smug!

Again!

Eh??

I got called smug and other things by another poster.

Can they really, well who knew......

So we mustn't say anything positive about men, because that might make them date?

I have sons too, and a daughter, all now adults. I think my sons are good men, but how much of that is down to character and how much my influence I'd not like to say. I brought them up in the 90s, when my own attitudes and awareness was less developed, and I made some errors that I wish I could undo.
I also think that even had I got it 'right' its an uphill struggle, as there inevitably comes a point when your influence as a mother is negligible compared to the external, and there's a lot of keeping your fingers crossed that those influences will be positive.
I find my sons attitudes largely align with my own. But occasionally there's a moment. Like DS2s indignation at a policy of active recruitment of women in his male dominated workplace, which he believed disadvantaged men. I think there's an inevitability that moves to improve the position of women will be seen as taking something away from men, and that will always be a battle, even with the good ones.
So yes, I agree there is pressure. But the counter point to that is there is less to fear. Things as they are, our sons' maleness will protect them from so many of the challenges our daughters will encounter, and trying to give our girls the tools, confidence and resilience to cope, is just as much of a pressure.
I've waffled on, sorry! You sound like a great mum and I wish you all the best that you and your son's future partners will reap what you are sowing.

Oh. So why did you reply that to my post?

Because its a forum and that's allowed?

Was my answer acceptable, or would you like to analyse it and tell me what I have missed or should not have said?

Obviously it's allowed. It just seems odd to be so angry about being called smug that you misread a post and claim someone thinks you are smug with no evidence at all.

No skin off my nose, I was just confused. But that's happening a lot over the last couple of pages.

You are very good at twisting things.

Trust me, I'm not angry. I feel very calm today. It's Friday. The Boss has just made me cup of coffee. I have a lovely planned with my DH and friends tomorrow.

I'm that calm I'm missing words out of my posts.

Yup. I'm single and loving it and I'm 41 and I don't even want to get with a man ever again. What could I possibly need from one? I get horny once a month and I have options there, not that I take it up much. Not arsed, it passes. Bring on menopause.

Hello everyone, can't believe the amount responses on this thread. Have been doing lots of reading and have found lots of you to be incredibly helpful! Thank you.
Incase anyone is curious, I've decided to give this guy a chance. It's my responsibility to manage my anxieties in relation to my past experiences with men. I don't want to live in fear of love. And equally I don't think it's fair to be with someone while not trusting them, that risks a toxic situation.
I actually decided to be very open with him last night and said to him I know the onus is on me to get past these insecurities but that I wanted to be honest with him incase I stumble along the way. He was incredibly supportive and understanding, and has been very nurturing this morning. He said that trust is a two way street and as a man he has had his own moments of insecurity too. He said whenever a small doubt creeps in he makes a conscious decision to assume trust.
It's early days, I'm going to take my time. But I do want to be in a loving, trusting relationship. So I've got to work on myself, and work together with him I guess.

Thanks everyone

Good luck, well done for trying to deal with your anxieties, hopefully this is a good one, they are out there.

Hope all turns out well.

😀

*@TrainteaAnnie

Same as what @IndiaDreamer has said.

It was lovely to read your update.

I think a lot of men are. Years ago women had to put up with it, because they needed the stability of marriage, now not so much.
there’s still this boys will be boys mentality, which attempts to push the idea that porn, visiting strippers when with the “lads” and the like are a part of life- but I think more and more women are deciding they aren’t something that should be accepted. Particularly when more and more women are taking on the financial responsibility for the family.

That's great, shame the toys can't bring you coffee or wine in bed after 😀assuming you've not got a FWB.

No toys for me thank you and I have a coffee machine and a wine subscription.

@hekissedmybottom so do I have both but I've yet to get them to serve the drinks to me.

Well my point is I have no need for a bloke. Believe me this wasn't always the case and it's really liberating to be in this position.

@hekissedmybottom I'm pleased for you, each to their own. 🤷‍♀️

I agree that most men are shits, in my experience. I can honestly say I have not come across one that hasn't engaged in some sort of deceptive / cheating / misogynistic behaviour. That goes for my father, uncles, grandparents, BIL, friends, partners of friends, my own partners.

Be warned OP, I've also had the chat about 'my insecurities' with ex-partners. I've talked about my exes shitty behaviour, all the while my current partner acts aghast and shocked that any man could behave like that. Low and behold, time and time again, the current partner then exhibits the exact same behaviour at some point down the road.