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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to think men are, sorry, but AWFUL

855 replies

TrainteaAnnie · 15/02/2023 08:03

Straight woman, mid thirties. Have had three 3 year relationships. Everyone one seemed like the 'nice' guy, the kind you can trust..
One caught with porn addiction, one found dm'ing other girls on social media, one outright cheated while drunk on a lads holiday.
I'm dating a lovely man now, but I honestly just had this feeling like... It's inevitable, at some point, he's gonna be like all the rest. I can't trust him although he's not given me reason not to.
And then there's life, every night I come on Mumsnet and read another horror story of some poor married woman, often with young DC completely blindsided by a discovery of infidelity. Or a woman married for 40 years to her best friends finding out he's used prostitutes for their entire marriage.
In the news, Megan Fox being cheated on. That horrid situation with Joe Westerman.
It's everywhere, endlessly. Men driven by their dicks ruining women's lives. Women who trust and love them. It makes me feel ok physically sick thinking about it all. I feel like I never want to talk to this guy I'm dating again even though, maybe 10 years ago, I'd be in love with him. I just emotionally can't do it anymore. Men are awful.

Help!

OP posts:
Clarabell77 · 17/02/2023 00:10

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 19:39

My DH doesn't HTH!

Show quote history

Really though?

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 01:45

@Clarabell77 of course not, he's a total cunt obviously!

Honestly, why have you not questioned any of the others on here saying that their experience is that men are awful.

You'll come on saying but I don't mean all men, but anyone who says otherwise is to be doubted?

If I doubt anyone who says every man they know is awful, I'm victim blaming.

So, cards on table you think I'm lying?

Why?

Can I suggest, for example @FlissyPaps is lying? Intimate that I doubt her with a, is that really true?

So, to be believed, I mustn't respond, because well "thou dost protest too much" and if I ignore you "well you didn't even bother responding, because you've no defence".

Is it really beyond your realms of understanding, that he is good (not allowed to use the term lovely, pp analysed that as wrong) and we are happily married etc?

I'm sure you'll be back or one of the AMAB crew to pick over what I've said, analyse it as "odd", I'm saying it all wrong.

Far be it from other women to accept that I'm able to be happy and believe that NAMAB? I'm clearly being forced to put this. 🤷‍♀️

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 01:50

DoomedForLoneliness · 16/02/2023 21:35

For those who know so many decent men.
What is that, what makes a man decent to you?

The reverse of what OP says about what she's experienced?

An equal partner
A good friend
A person I can trust
Wanting the best for us (aka our family)
Loyal
Kind
Trustworthy

I am sure that will be picked apart, I'll have left something out and it will be jumped on that I'm lying or accepting low standards.

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 01:51

@FlissyPaps I'm sorry your struggling to see the posts of women trying to silence women, whilst telling them not to say (on AIBU, on an open forum) that it's not helpful to say not all men are awful.

The irony.

ashitghost · 17/02/2023 02:14

Yanbu

I’ve been single six years and men kind of repulse me now.

vera99 · 17/02/2023 03:10

All generalisations are usually wrong in general.

Runningforeverfree · 17/02/2023 03:53

They do tend to be a disappointment on so many levels.

barmycatmum · 17/02/2023 04:06

I agree with you, OP.

vera99 · 17/02/2023 04:12

It would be so much easier if humans were like the ants and bees one huge Queen for the whole colony and all the rest were subservient males or eunuchs servicing her.

AdamRyan · 17/02/2023 07:23

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 01:45

@Clarabell77 of course not, he's a total cunt obviously!

Honestly, why have you not questioned any of the others on here saying that their experience is that men are awful.

You'll come on saying but I don't mean all men, but anyone who says otherwise is to be doubted?

If I doubt anyone who says every man they know is awful, I'm victim blaming.

So, cards on table you think I'm lying?

Why?

Can I suggest, for example @FlissyPaps is lying? Intimate that I doubt her with a, is that really true?

So, to be believed, I mustn't respond, because well "thou dost protest too much" and if I ignore you "well you didn't even bother responding, because you've no defence".

Is it really beyond your realms of understanding, that he is good (not allowed to use the term lovely, pp analysed that as wrong) and we are happily married etc?

I'm sure you'll be back or one of the AMAB crew to pick over what I've said, analyse it as "odd", I'm saying it all wrong.

Far be it from other women to accept that I'm able to be happy and believe that NAMAB? I'm clearly being forced to put this. 🤷‍♀️

I haven't seen any posts where any one is questioning whether or not your husband is a good man, or saying you are lying by saying he is.

Its not relevant to OPs post though. She is asking if she's unreasonable to distrust the man she's just started dating, on the basis of her other experiences.

Do you think she should trust him, because your husband is great? I'm still trying to get the point you are making....

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 07:28

@AdamRyan again you've got selective reading. It's getting really embarrassing now,

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 07:33

@AdamRyan the pint I am making is not all men are awful, I'm answering the title of the thread. If the OP didn't want counter arguments, she would not have asked AIBU? Credit the OP with the fact that she does know what she asked and does understand what AIBU means? Stop second guessing, what you think she means? It really is demeaning her intelligence?

AdamRyan · 17/02/2023 07:39

The title is the click bait
If you read her actual post she isn't saying "all men are awful"

I prefer to try to understand and respond to the whole picture, and understand where the poster is coming from.

Understand that you feel her title was inaccurate as your husband is amazing. I think lots of posters have said the same.

What other point were you making that has been silenced?

DoomedForLoneliness · 17/02/2023 07:57

PartridgeInAChair · 16/02/2023 21:37

Same as my women friends except they have a penis. They are just human beings. Kind, funny, hardworking, fun to be with etc.

Show quote history

Kind of a no answer, but that explanes a lot.

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 08:10

AdamRyan · 17/02/2023 07:39

The title is the click bait
If you read her actual post she isn't saying "all men are awful"

I prefer to try to understand and respond to the whole picture, and understand where the poster is coming from.

Understand that you feel her title was inaccurate as your husband is amazing. I think lots of posters have said the same.

What other point were you making that has been silenced?

Why click bait title.... why do that? Attention seeking in the extreme?

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 08:12

@AdamRyan why do you use the term amazing for my DH? I got castigated for using lovely Grin. Either you know him (doubtful) or you're being disingenuous and sarcastic.... you do realise there are lots of good men out there?

GrinAndVomit · 17/02/2023 08:14

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 08:10

Why click bait title.... why do that? Attention seeking in the extreme?

Show quote history

So people read and engage with her?
Is it really so bizarre and attention seeking to want people to engage with a thread you’ve started?
If so, why are you being so provocative with your posts? Why not read and scroll on unless you want interaction?

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 08:21

But the title will get responses? She's got them and some are now trying to shut down others responding, unless they castigate most if not all man?

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 08:21

@GrinAndVomit I do want interaction, hence why I've posted? 🤷‍♀️

I want to say NAMALT?

SamanthaCaine · 17/02/2023 08:22

To quote the OP:

I'm dating a lovely man now, but I honestly just had this feeling like... It's inevitable, at some point, he's gonna be like all the rest. I can't trust him although he's not given me reason not to.

Sorry @AdamRyan pretty much everything you've posted for the last few pages (especially to @PartridgeInAChair) seems to contradict what the OP has written herself.

Here is a woman who has met a potentially decent man but due to previous experience has been burnt. At this point in time none of us can categorically say that this man is good or bad. FACT.

You can spin this however you like and reduce it as you have, but @PartridgeInAChair is 100% correct when she says she not defending men (none of us actually are - but you only want to read one thing) but simply saying there is some hope amidst the many men out there. Sorry but that's pretty irrefutable. Stats may say this or that but there is always hope.

I posted up my OH's experience with his ex. I'm actually a divorcee and my ex had an affair with my best mate who was married herself. Some mate. I can 100% relate to the quote that I pasted above. How couldn't you as it's so common. Yet both my OH and I somehow found it in ourselves to trust again. We could easily have been like the OP, sabotaged the relationship and gone our separate ways. Hell, he could've been dating the OP as a 100% decent bloke. But 25 years on and we're still happily married. This isn't being smug. It's one side of reality a reality some don't seem to like but there you go.

What I find interesting is that so many (and there are many) of the reductionist posters have married supposedly decent men themselves and have decent friends and family members but are so heavily arguing the case that "you just don't know because so many men are violent rapists and abusers". Like arming women with this obvious nugget of info is actually helpful. Yeah we all know this and there's not much we can do about this.

But the stark, unfortunate, reality is that none of us ever know and that is always the gamble we take. All the other heinous shit aside, it's a lottery and we can either go for it or not. Sadly, as with most of life, there are no guarantees but IME if you're in it, you have to give 100% or get out. That's the OP's dilemma and one she can only decide for herself.

All this back/forth between us posters is largely irrelevant as IME noone asking for advice ever listens. They want to hear opinions but rarely act untill they decide for themselves.

Anyway, last post here. All the best OP and I hope you find peace and success in any decisions you make. It's hard AF and I'm sorry but hope you find a good egg Flowers

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 08:23

FYI @GrinAndVomit one of the things asked of me, was why did I call my DH lovely and not good? I mean WTF! If I said my lovely mum would anyone question me....... no I thought not.

AdamRyan · 17/02/2023 08:35

Here is a woman who has met a potentially decent man but due to previous experience has been burnt. At this point in time none of us can categorically say that this man is good or bad. FACT.

I'm saying she is not unreasonable to doubt him, given her own experience and stats.

You and others are saying she should trust him, because you have lovely partners.

I think women should be encouraged to trust their instincts, not encouraged to give potentially dangerous men the benefit of the doubt.

That's not reductionist.

Your perspective (my husband is great, therefore you should trust your boyfriend) is reductionist. As it is based on a sample of one.

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 08:45

AdamRyan · 17/02/2023 08:35

Here is a woman who has met a potentially decent man but due to previous experience has been burnt. At this point in time none of us can categorically say that this man is good or bad. FACT.

I'm saying she is not unreasonable to doubt him, given her own experience and stats.

You and others are saying she should trust him, because you have lovely partners.

I think women should be encouraged to trust their instincts, not encouraged to give potentially dangerous men the benefit of the doubt.

That's not reductionist.

Your perspective (my husband is great, therefore you should trust your boyfriend) is reductionist. As it is based on a sample of one.

I'll assume you are addressing me? If so it's better to @.

If you are addressing me, please can you go through all my posts and point out that I said she should trust her boyfriend.

I've said all along that NAMALT, based on my experiences.

What more should I say?

She is airway proceeding with caution.

IndiaDreamer · 17/02/2023 08:45

*already not airway

PartridgeInAChair · 17/02/2023 09:03

AdamRyan · 17/02/2023 08:35

Here is a woman who has met a potentially decent man but due to previous experience has been burnt. At this point in time none of us can categorically say that this man is good or bad. FACT.

I'm saying she is not unreasonable to doubt him, given her own experience and stats.

You and others are saying she should trust him, because you have lovely partners.

I think women should be encouraged to trust their instincts, not encouraged to give potentially dangerous men the benefit of the doubt.

That's not reductionist.

Your perspective (my husband is great, therefore you should trust your boyfriend) is reductionist. As it is based on a sample of one.

*I'm saying she is not unreasonable to doubt him, given her own experience and stats.

You and others are saying she should trust him, because you have lovely partners.*

Nobody has said she should give him 100% and not have be wary, just maybe give him a chance if up to yet he seems nice.

*I think women should be encouraged to trust their instincts, not encouraged to give potentially dangerous men the benefit of the doubt.

That's not reductionist.*

So even though you are happily married you are going to encourage other women to not date. Even though this man has shown no signs he is dangerous. Op's instincts are about ex's NOT this man.

Your perspective (my husband is great, therefore you should trust your boyfriend) is reductionist. As it is based on a sample of one.

Our perspective is NOT based on one sample. I have said before my previous partner was a good man we just decided to split - as friends.

If OP is listening to you then I feel it is only fair that she doesn't date him anymore so he can go out and find somebody else.

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