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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to think men are, sorry, but AWFUL

855 replies

TrainteaAnnie · 15/02/2023 08:03

Straight woman, mid thirties. Have had three 3 year relationships. Everyone one seemed like the 'nice' guy, the kind you can trust..
One caught with porn addiction, one found dm'ing other girls on social media, one outright cheated while drunk on a lads holiday.
I'm dating a lovely man now, but I honestly just had this feeling like... It's inevitable, at some point, he's gonna be like all the rest. I can't trust him although he's not given me reason not to.
And then there's life, every night I come on Mumsnet and read another horror story of some poor married woman, often with young DC completely blindsided by a discovery of infidelity. Or a woman married for 40 years to her best friends finding out he's used prostitutes for their entire marriage.
In the news, Megan Fox being cheated on. That horrid situation with Joe Westerman.
It's everywhere, endlessly. Men driven by their dicks ruining women's lives. Women who trust and love them. It makes me feel ok physically sick thinking about it all. I feel like I never want to talk to this guy I'm dating again even though, maybe 10 years ago, I'd be in love with him. I just emotionally can't do it anymore. Men are awful.

Help!

OP posts:
LizzieW1969 · 16/02/2023 18:22

I have good men in my life too but they wouldn't expect me to come on this thread defending them or trying to pretend women are equally culpable for the violence and harm in the world. They know who they are and whether the things said apply to them or not, and wouldn't take it personally if the cap didn't fit. They understand why women have negative views of men, because they see the behaviour of other men and know they have grounds.

I know what you mean. My DH wouldn’t expect me to defend him, as no one is saying anything bad about him personally anyway. And he’s disgusted by the way a lot of men treat women. So do other decent men I know.

There is no need to be defensive of the men in your lives. Other posters don't know them personally and are not talking about them. And no one is saying that there aren’t any decent men around.

AdamRyan · 16/02/2023 18:23

IndiaDreamer · 16/02/2023 16:05

It is not a pointless waste of time, for people to advise that the OP is BU, otherwise why would she post in AIBU?

Stop trying to silence other women.

Show quote history

It's the Internet. It's debatable how many of these "NAMALT" posters are actually women imo

Addicted2Kale · 16/02/2023 18:30

It's only in the last couple years I've seen how unpleasant and predatory men can be. The dating pool is a sewer.

AdamRyan · 16/02/2023 18:31

SamanthaCaine · 16/02/2023 12:36

I would suggest you avoid threads like this in the future if these conversations make you uncomfortable and/ or angry.

Or, with respect, perhaps you could start your own thread about these kinds of topics, which actually deserve a thread in their own right.

I think @PartridgeInAChair and many others have just pointed out that, quite rightfully, men aren't all awful (in context).

Remember this thread started out 100% about infidelity and nothing about the issues you and others have reduced this thread to. Sadly this reduction to binary levels started only 5 posts in, which is typical.

It's a shame as the OP actually posted something worthy of deeper discussion and thought. How do we rebuild trust after infidelity? How can some people go into another relationship giving their all whilst others can't?

Women cheat, men cheat. Trust is a problem for many people irrespective of sex/gender. How does one solve this so they go into future relationships giving the same commitment and not self sabotaging a potentially good relationship.

It's quite sad that a nuanced debate doesn't often take place and that it ends up reduced to bickering about stuff that's important but largely irrelevant to the OP. The OP is really no better off than she was 22 pages ago. Yet she asked for help and hasn't received any.

Porn addiction and sleeping with prostitutes is not something women do. I don't really think it's infidelity as such either - it's males feelings of entitlement to sex.

Those feelings of entitlement are also the driver of a lot of abusive behaviours to women.

Why did Wayne Couzens rape and murder Sarah Everard? That's the extreme end of a continuum. Womens "infidelity" doesn't extend to that.

You are trying to fix the terms of the debate to make it less obvious that a lot of men are awful. Nice try.

IndiaDreamer · 16/02/2023 18:34

@AdamRyan well I am you won't silence me!

HTH!

IndiaDreamer · 16/02/2023 18:36

@AdamRyan oh course we had

It's not women posting
I'm wrong to use the term lovely and not good (I mean FFS how dare anyone question my terminology, how ridiculous is that Grin)
Im deluded
And 100 other things wrong with my saying my man at DSs are lovely!

AdamRyan · 16/02/2023 18:42

You are being very defensive. I didn't name anyone. Just pointing out not everyone is who they seem on t'internet

IndiaDreamer · 16/02/2023 18:48

AdamRyan · 16/02/2023 18:42

You are being very defensive. I didn't name anyone. Just pointing out not everyone is who they seem on t'internet

GrinGrinGrinGrinGrinme defensive! You've got about a 100 posts on here

IndiaDreamer · 16/02/2023 18:49

AdamRyan · 16/02/2023 18:42

You are being very defensive. I didn't name anyone. Just pointing out not everyone is who they seem on t'internet

If makes you wonder if some are making up stories to make men seem bad doesn't it 🤔!

You know fuelling stuff?

Very well pointed out...

AdamRyan · 16/02/2023 19:27

IndiaDreamer · 16/02/2023 18:48

GrinGrinGrinGrinGrinme defensive! You've got about a 100 posts on here

Show quote history

Hardly lol

AdamRyan · 16/02/2023 19:32

Anyway india what would you like to say?
Your ds and dh are lovely therefore OPs title is incorrect?

Technically true. I doubt anyone actually thinks every single man is awful. I love my man very much.

I think OP was actually asking if she was unreasonable to be wary of her new boyfriend, given how many men have treated her and her friends badly in the past and what she reads on MN. I don't think she is BU. Whether or not men in my life or your life are decent is hardly relevant.

IndiaDreamer · 16/02/2023 19:33

@AdamRyan I appreciate you're pointing out the very likely untruths in this thread...... if taken most of it at face value but as you've said, it's not really likely to be total truth. Anyone can put anything on the internet to try to prove their point.

IndiaDreamer · 16/02/2023 19:41

AdamRyan · 16/02/2023 19:32

Anyway india what would you like to say?
Your ds and dh are lovely therefore OPs title is incorrect?

Technically true. I doubt anyone actually thinks every single man is awful. I love my man very much.

I think OP was actually asking if she was unreasonable to be wary of her new boyfriend, given how many men have treated her and her friends badly in the past and what she reads on MN. I don't think she is BU. Whether or not men in my life or your life are decent is hardly relevant.

Well OP is dreadfully inarticulate then!

AdamRyan · 16/02/2023 20:25

What was the point that was being silenced india?

IndiaDreamer · 16/02/2023 20:30

AdamRyan · 16/02/2023 20:25

What was the point that was being silenced india?

The person I quoted when I said it originally, if you scroll back you'll find it.

FlissyPaps · 16/02/2023 20:49

IndiaDreamer · 16/02/2023 20:30

The person I quoted when I said it originally, if you scroll back you'll find it.

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I’m also struggling to see how any post on here is trying to silence women?

Could you quote it please.

PartridgeInAChair · 16/02/2023 21:02

FlissyPaps · 16/02/2023 16:19

No woman is trying to silence other women here.

Telling someone that “Not all men are awful” is an unhelpful and pointless statement to make is not trying to silence women.

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Saying all men are not awful is helpful. It is letting OP know that even if she has had some awful experiences there may be someone nice our there for her.

She can then decide if dating is worth it or she doesn't want to.

AdamRyan · 16/02/2023 21:18

PartridgeInAChair · 16/02/2023 21:02

Saying all men are not awful is helpful. It is letting OP know that even if she has had some awful experiences there may be someone nice our there for her.

She can then decide if dating is worth it or she doesn't want to.

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So you think hearing that your husband (already spoken for) is nice will restore OPs faith in men?

DoomedForLoneliness · 16/02/2023 21:35

For those who know so many decent men.
What is that, what makes a man decent to you?

PartridgeInAChair · 16/02/2023 21:35

AdamRyan · 16/02/2023 21:18

So you think hearing that your husband (already spoken for) is nice will restore OPs faith in men?

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It's as if you don't want OP to have faith in some men. There is more than my DH who is nice. I actually don't know where you are coming from.

PartridgeInAChair · 16/02/2023 21:37

DoomedForLoneliness · 16/02/2023 21:35

For those who know so many decent men.
What is that, what makes a man decent to you?

Same as my women friends except they have a penis. They are just human beings. Kind, funny, hardworking, fun to be with etc.

PartridgeInAChair · 16/02/2023 21:38

AdamRyan · 16/02/2023 21:18

So you think hearing that your husband (already spoken for) is nice will restore OPs faith in men?

Show quote history

Don't ever become a therapist!

AdamRyan · 16/02/2023 21:39

Op already doesn't have faith in men because of her experiences. I don't think me saying anything will change that.

I prefer to support women by acknowledging men can be shit, than gaslight and victim blame by saying its all about her choice and shes somehow attracting wrong uns

PartridgeInAChair · 16/02/2023 21:40

AdamRyan · 16/02/2023 21:39

Op already doesn't have faith in men because of her experiences. I don't think me saying anything will change that.

I prefer to support women by acknowledging men can be shit, than gaslight and victim blame by saying its all about her choice and shes somehow attracting wrong uns

As I say don't ever be a therapist!

PartridgeInAChair · 16/02/2023 21:43

AdamRyan · 16/02/2023 21:39

Op already doesn't have faith in men because of her experiences. I don't think me saying anything will change that.

I prefer to support women by acknowledging men can be shit, than gaslight and victim blame by saying its all about her choice and shes somehow attracting wrong uns

I have already acknowledged men can be shit. Going down the gloom and doom road is not helpful. Encouraging her tvat not all men are shit give her the choice of dating still or not.

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