....to think men are, sorry, but AWFUL

[TrainteaAnnie]

Straight woman, mid thirties. Have had three 3 year relationships. Everyone one seemed like the 'nice' guy, the kind you can trust..
One caught with porn addiction, one found dm'ing other girls on social media, one outright cheated while drunk on a lads holiday.
I'm dating a lovely man now, but I honestly just had this feeling like... It's inevitable, at some point, he's gonna be like all the rest. I can't trust him although he's not given me reason not to.
And then there's life, every night I come on Mumsnet and read another horror story of some poor married woman, often with young DC completely blindsided by a discovery of infidelity. Or a woman married for 40 years to her best friends finding out he's used prostitutes for their entire marriage.
In the news, Megan Fox being cheated on. That horrid situation with Joe Westerman.
It's everywhere, endlessly. Men driven by their dicks ruining women's lives. Women who trust and love them. It makes me feel ok physically sick thinking about it all. I feel like I never want to talk to this guy I'm dating again even though, maybe 10 years ago, I'd be in love with him. I just emotionally can't do it anymore. Men are awful.

Help!

But surely you must see that there are women who wouldn't consider themselves 'lucky' that they had violent men on their side to protect them against other men? That many would be horrified at the thought of living in an environment of such toxic masculinity where their father felt the need to assault their partner and men need to be 'protective' of their female relatives? Many of us aspire to a more civilised way of life where no one feels the need to assault anyone. What you see as positives many would see as further examples of men being 'awful'.

I get that.

I punched my bf too so that makes me violent (at that moment) too. The reason he probably didn't punch me back was because my Mum came downstairs to see what the hell was going on. My Dad is not a violent man but he was very angry that my bf was treating me badly. So not good behavior from anyone that night.

I think from my experience I have seen both sides to having a relationship with a man. I'm not trying to be smug or strong. The fact that my DH helped me through a massive bereavement and has given me the best 20 years of my life I just felt defensive.

I don't know what the answer is or how to stop these awful men who treat women this way and give the nice men a bad name.

It is all very sad and if I've offended anyone I apologise.

I loved my Brother a lot too.

My husband and my brother are my best friends. I have two infant sons.

It’s not about all men being bad. It’s about recognising that a lot of men are bad and furthermore, dangerous, in comparison to women.

It’s about not shutting down conversations that are uncomfortable to hear.

It’s about not always having to concern ourselves with “how does that make men feel when we say this?”

It’s about trying to get to the root of the issue instead of ignoring, defending or excusing it.

It’s about not belittling women who have had negative experiences and want to talk about it.

I would suggest you avoid threads like this in the future if these conversations make you uncomfortable and/ or angry.

I know men who have behaved very decently too. I should imagine the vast majority of us do. Threads like this are not about anyone's individual dad or husband though, they're about behaviour shown by some men a lot of the time and many men at least some of the time. Plus the extremes of the most heinous behaviours humans are capable of, which are either exclusively (rape) or disproportionately committed by men. The fact that you or I might have a lovely dad, or that some women do bad things too doesn't mean there's not a huge problem with male behaviour that has no parallel with women's behaviour.
I have good men in my life too but they wouldn't expect me to come on this thread defending them or trying to pretend women are equally culpable for the violence and harm in the world. They know who they are and whether the things said apply to them or not, and wouldn't take it personally if the cap didn't fit. They understand why women have negative views of men, because they see the behaviour of other men and know they have grounds.

I have a fantastic male BFF, several other male friends I'm very close to, a great dad who's also a great hands-on grandad, a BIL who I love and respect and love hanging out with. A son. male friends of my son who I care about almost as much as I do him.

But that doesn't mean that there aren't men out there who are violent, misogynistic, harmful. selfish. etc etc

It's not ALL men but it is almost always men, and making excuses for them or defending them with - my dad's lovely - isn't going to change anything.

I would suggest you avoid threads like this in the future if these conversations make you uncomfortable and/ or angry.

Or, with respect, perhaps you could start your own thread about these kinds of topics, which actually deserve a thread in their own right.

I think @PartridgeInAChair and many others have just pointed out that, quite rightfully, men aren't all awful (in context).

Remember this thread started out 100% about infidelity and nothing about the issues you and others have reduced this thread to. Sadly this reduction to binary levels started only 5 posts in, which is typical.

It's a shame as the OP actually posted something worthy of deeper discussion and thought. How do we rebuild trust after infidelity? How can some people go into another relationship giving their all whilst others can't?

Women cheat, men cheat. Trust is a problem for many people irrespective of sex/gender. How does one solve this so they go into future relationships giving the same commitment and not self sabotaging a potentially good relationship.

It's quite sad that a nuanced debate doesn't often take place and that it ends up reduced to bickering about stuff that's important but largely irrelevant to the OP. The OP is really no better off than she was 22 pages ago. Yet she asked for help and hasn't received any.

@5128gap

Thank for explaining without being horrible.

@SamanthaCaine

Thank you.

I agree with everything you have just posted.

it is almost always men, and making excuses for them or defending them with - my dad's lovely - isn't going to change anything.

This is very true.
The whole not my Nigel just distracts from important conversation and adds nothing, so it's pointless waste of time.

I totally agree@SamanthaCaine - it's trust that's so hard after you've been shat on- doesn't matter if it's a bloke or a woman , a bit of you I feel holds back that 100% blind trust

I think people are confusing two separate things here.

1. Men who cheat and destroy women's lives

• equally, women do this. It might not be to the same extent but we need actual data to support that hypothesis.

1. Men are responsible for overwhelming majority of abuse in relationships, emotional, financial and physical - as well as murder of women and girls than women are of men. This is factually and demonstratively true.

I feel so much more pressure raising a son rather than a daughter because of this.

What sort of pressure?

I think that humans are awful.

Humans all generally seem to choose the dark nasty path , rather than the kind caring path.

We are a brutal animalistic race.

If there are any other planets, I bet they look at us as an extremely primitive brutal animalistic civilization.

Can I get off this planet yet?

@5128gap I have a daughter and a son. As a mother, if feels more intuitive as to how to raise my daughter. Unfortunately my husband is one of these men who is not a role model, and I want to raise a good man. Love and boundaries will be my guide and hopefully having an older sister will help. I want him to treat women with respect, have integrity and kindness.

It is not a pointless waste of time, for people to advise that the OP is BU, otherwise why would she post in AIBU?

Stop trying to silence other women.

I think men are generally worse than women, but yes, as an entire species, I don't think we cover ourselves in glory either.

We should do better.

Yes, I think some women were trying to give the OP hope that not all men are bad.

I've been slated for saying the wrong things though so I've got to be careful what I type.

😅
What?
Silence women!?
That’s what you are doing!
Crazy just keeps getting crazier now!

No woman is trying to silence other women here.

Telling someone that “Not all men are awful” is an unhelpful and pointless statement to make is not trying to silence women.

I'm not being goady, smug, strong or revolting but...

Do some of you think that no woman should date a man again?

This is a serious question because surely if we can't say that some men are not awful (which I do say) then we have to say no do not date as it it is too dangerous.

What are you telling your Daughters.

I only have a Son so all I do is tell him what is happening in the world and that he is never to treat any woman or man badly.

No. We don’t.
I think I can safely say that we think women should do what they want and what they’re comfortable with.

I said most women have been on the receiving end
Nothing to do with numbers of men at all

Yes they are @FlissyPaps, you've got selective reading!!

The op is being totally unreasonable!!