....to think men are, sorry, but AWFUL

[TrainteaAnnie]

Straight woman, mid thirties. Have had three 3 year relationships. Everyone one seemed like the 'nice' guy, the kind you can trust..
One caught with porn addiction, one found dm'ing other girls on social media, one outright cheated while drunk on a lads holiday.
I'm dating a lovely man now, but I honestly just had this feeling like... It's inevitable, at some point, he's gonna be like all the rest. I can't trust him although he's not given me reason not to.
And then there's life, every night I come on Mumsnet and read another horror story of some poor married woman, often with young DC completely blindsided by a discovery of infidelity. Or a woman married for 40 years to her best friends finding out he's used prostitutes for their entire marriage.
In the news, Megan Fox being cheated on. That horrid situation with Joe Westerman.
It's everywhere, endlessly. Men driven by their dicks ruining women's lives. Women who trust and love them. It makes me feel ok physically sick thinking about it all. I feel like I never want to talk to this guy I'm dating again even though, maybe 10 years ago, I'd be in love with him. I just emotionally can't do it anymore. Men are awful.

Help!

Both sexes can be unfaithful and bad spouses. But it's nearly always men who terrorise their spouses, beat then, rape them and murder them.

It's nearly always men who get porn or "sex" addictions and pay prostitutes.

It's nearly always men who develop some weird fetish and expect their wife to enthusiastically participate in said fetish or find someone else to do it with.

Men are also more likely to be drug addicts, gambling addicts or alcoholics.

33% of them have a criminal record.

Saying "all men are awful" is hyperbole. But trying to suggest "women do it too" and NAMALTing everywhere isn't making any impact whatsoever on the fact that an awful lot of men are awful.

And I tend to think the men who get so hurt by OPs type of post are being defensive so probably fit into an "awful" category but rather than face up to that, want to blame women for noticing.

Jesus wept. Can you not read? Patently not.

You've proven a previous post of mine quite nicely about nuance and people incessantly looking to shut down debate/discussion.

Nice one. Next time I'll bring out the crayons to make it easier for you to understand 🤦

What were you wanting me to understand? Your husbands ex wife cheated on him with a richer man, even though he tried to provide for her and her children, therefore women are just as bad as men, is what I read......

Oh also rereading your previous post you seem to think your husband is some kind of hero for "letting her [his wife] go out" with their money.

I would definitely see that kind of language as a red flag. Adults don't let other adults in an equal relationship go out. There's a power dynamic there where you obviously feel his ex wife should have been subservient to him as he was proving money. Power imbalances are a key factor in why men abuse women.

Just to save people scrolling:

"They didn't have much money so he let her go out with any spare cash, whilst he looked after her kids. Little did he know that she was shagging someone else and lining up another partner who more importantly earned more money and could provide a better life."

This whole para drips misogyny.

If a man told me this story using these words, I'd be thinking she actually left for a man who wasn't financially abusive and controlling.

Most women don't trade sex for money. We aren't prostitutes.

Believe what you want if it makes you feel better.

I have amazing sex with my (male) DP as well.

Not sure how that's relevant to the debate

Well hopefully that's true. But it's a long life and until you reach the end of it, none of us can be certain what will happen. I doubt there's many betrayed partners who wouldn't also have thought their partners would never cheat. My point is, women's optimistic predictions for the behaviour of their own husband doesn't offer a counter argument to OPs post.

It's not, no idea why I even posted that but I stand by everything else I typed.

I've been told that my DH is to help by talking to the horrible men. Why should he go on a crusade in his short life to find horrible men and sort them out. He is not to blame for their actions. If he saw someone being mistreated he would help.

Perhaps that you're unable to read a few paragraphs. Understand context and be able to discuss relationships without bringing out the violence/rape card.

Context and nuance but I appreciate this is MN and any discussion about negative male attributes descends almost instantaneously into the binary.

Nope, no hero and you're reading waaay too much into it (again a common trait).

I'm just saying that they didn't have enough money for them both to go out, hence working two jobs. She was a sahm so he rather she went out with her mates to get out of the house rather than neither of them going.

But knock yourself out. I mentioned earlier that some only want to see the bad in everything. Again you're proving my point nicely.

Most women don't trade sex for money. We aren't prostitutes.

You clearly have difficulty or are willfully blind. I know quite a few women you'd label as gold diggers and who are attracted to men solely for their money. Sadly it does women no favours at all but they do exist.

Most women? I'm not talking about most bloody women. Jesus.

@SamanthaCaine

I agree - some women - not most women

Same as - some men - not most men

Definitely. Not rocket science.

So all the women who hate men will you now be living a life of celibacy?

Definitely agree with this. Unfortunately a high proportion of men are selfish babies. However, the thing I did was take a proper period of time to heal and then relaunch. I completely get where you are coming from, but what can happen is we create a self-fulfilling prophecy if we sabotage these relationships with faithful men before they have got going.
Good luck OP 💐

Hmmmmmm
98% if sexual crimes are committed by men
only 2% are committed by women

You’ve had various other facts, figures and statistics regarding violence, murder and abuse quoted on this thread.

So the “not all men” doesn’t quite compare to the “not all women” line. It’s actually quite offensive.

You give reasons to be cautious.

They're not reasons to judge all men, which seems to be the crux of this thread.

I've just read back. Are you accusing me of being one of Johnny poster's other accounts?

I'm not, I'm a woman who happens to think not all men are awful.

My first boyfriend was a silly little man boy who assaulted me. He is the only male who has assaulted me. Maybe I've just chose the right males to be with since then. So I get accused of being smug.

I probably should have just ignored this thread as clearly many of you have had bad experiences and are now frightened of every male they come into contact with.

I do believe the poster who claimed she was getting hit on at children's parties when she was with her DH is paranoid though.

be able to discuss relationships without bringing out the violence/rape card.

It's not a "card"
It's reality for many if not most women
The fact you see it as a "card" to "win" an argument shows how little you understand or care

I’ve met some real assholes but then I met a good one. Not perfect but decent and not a liar.

I think you’re scared to let go with this guy OP, which is completely understandable after your history, but what if he’s a good one?

If he is he’ll understand your insecurities and fears about men, tell him exactly how you feel. Don’t play games and don’t run away. If he stays, maybe he’s a keeper

Ahh yes.
it’s us silly little women who are the issue.

Silly, paranoid women.

Not rapey violent men. No, no, no

I'm sorry but from my whole post you got that I was calling all woman silly and paranoid.

Did you read that post? She was definitely paranoid.

If that is all you got from my post then that is your problem.

I work with men and not one of them disrespects me, I've not heard any of them say they are shagging about and we have a laugh.

The statistics are out there and I know some men are awful but as I've said before I will follow my instincts and continue to have relationships with the men I choose. I'm not living in fear.

It is not MOST women.

Well, it’s certainly MOST women on this thread.
Ironically, even you!