Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to think men are, sorry, but AWFUL

855 replies

TrainteaAnnie · 15/02/2023 08:03

Straight woman, mid thirties. Have had three 3 year relationships. Everyone one seemed like the 'nice' guy, the kind you can trust..
One caught with porn addiction, one found dm'ing other girls on social media, one outright cheated while drunk on a lads holiday.
I'm dating a lovely man now, but I honestly just had this feeling like... It's inevitable, at some point, he's gonna be like all the rest. I can't trust him although he's not given me reason not to.
And then there's life, every night I come on Mumsnet and read another horror story of some poor married woman, often with young DC completely blindsided by a discovery of infidelity. Or a woman married for 40 years to her best friends finding out he's used prostitutes for their entire marriage.
In the news, Megan Fox being cheated on. That horrid situation with Joe Westerman.
It's everywhere, endlessly. Men driven by their dicks ruining women's lives. Women who trust and love them. It makes me feel ok physically sick thinking about it all. I feel like I never want to talk to this guy I'm dating again even though, maybe 10 years ago, I'd be in love with him. I just emotionally can't do it anymore. Men are awful.

Help!

OP posts:
JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 15/02/2023 19:17

Karma2023 · 15/02/2023 18:07

@theworldhas I don't think woman have lower sex drives. Men who have affairs, use prostitutes or are sexually abusive do so because it's about control and ego. Not sex.

@JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain Woman on the thread have given behaviours that they say men do that makes them unlikeable. What behaviour did you dislike about your Ex, rather than the label psycho?

I'm not reading that men need to be "obliterated" just that they need to change the negative behaviours so that women will want to have relationships with them.

Passive aggression, full-on verbal aggression, ridiculing things I did, trying to control me, making utterly ridiculous claims about me that made absolutely no sense whatsoever, and constantly having to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering a psychotic episode.

Your last paragraph applies to both men and women.

PartridgeInAChair · 15/02/2023 19:17

I repeat I had a shit first relationship. I don't judge all men by his bad behaviour. Got rid and moved in.

SamanthaCaine · 15/02/2023 19:21

5128gap · 15/02/2023 17:44

Obviously some men are good people.
However, the ones that aren't are more brutal, harmful and dangerous to women than could ever be the case the other way round.
Whenever there is a thread like this, the only defence of men seems to be to pretend that women are equally bad, despite all evidence to the contrary. It really does nothing to promote men if no one can think of anything positive with which to counter the OP, other than spouting this ridiculous false equivalence, or telling us how their Steve would never cheat.

See that's your problem right there. Nuance and a difference of perspectives.

You say, "whenever there is thread like this..." but completely neglect that you yourself have fallen into the trap of "men do XYZ of violent and brutal stuff".

This thread started out as an infidelity issue, not men killing and raping women but all too often, any bad behaviour is rapidly followed by all the other more dreadful stuff that men do. It's done all the time.

People saying that women are as bad aren't suggesting that women kill and rape men but in context of the OP, it's a valid argument. Yet by jumping on the "men kill women" bandwagon, the discussion has lost all nuance and basis for debate. It's a silencing tactic that serves no purpose but to shut down debate. And whether intentional or not, this is what you're doing.

Noone is debating that some men do all the truly nasty stuff but that has little relevance to the OP.

There are many positives but when you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail. My FIL is kind, gentle, loyal, generous, hard working and a great husband/father. What more do you want? My OH is the same but it's of little interest when a PP said that even the good ones are bad. What complete load of bollocks.

seekingafreshstart · 15/02/2023 19:21

Has anyone brought up that old adage yet of 'men are terrified women will laugh at them, women are terrified men will kill them'?

Some women can be terribly unkind, and they can be awful partners because of that.

But significantly more women than men find themselves terrified of a different sex partner. Some women are physically abusive, but the majority of abusers are men.

Both men and women can be terrible, but when a man is terrible, he's really terrible.

The more stories you hear from the women in your close circle, and the more negative experiences you have, the harder it is to keep the faith that you'll find one of the good guys. I'm not saying they don't exist... just that they're difficult to find.

PartridgeInAChair · 15/02/2023 19:24

Most of my Friends are happily married.

AfraidToRun · 15/02/2023 19:24

I'm more of a misanthrope so we're all awful...

m00rfarm · 15/02/2023 19:25

Stop reading the relationships threads.

Burgoo · 15/02/2023 19:26

Some PEOPLE are awful. We need to move away from us versus them, it isn't a man or a woman problem, it is a PEOPLE problem.

Naunet · 15/02/2023 19:27

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 19:12

Classic example at not accepting another point of view!

If you stick up for for DH or DS, you're in the "poor menz" team.

My DH and both my DS are good men, sorry you've not got them in your life but I'm certainly glad they're all in mine!

Show quote history

Its a joke 🙄 If you don’t think there are woman out there that bend over backwards to make excuses for men and pretend women are just as bad, then you need to open your eyes.

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 19:27

My experiences of adultery

BIL cheated on DS

BILs first wife cheated on him

That's the family experience, so far.

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 15/02/2023 19:28

SamanthaCaine · 15/02/2023 19:21

See that's your problem right there. Nuance and a difference of perspectives.

You say, "whenever there is thread like this..." but completely neglect that you yourself have fallen into the trap of "men do XYZ of violent and brutal stuff".

This thread started out as an infidelity issue, not men killing and raping women but all too often, any bad behaviour is rapidly followed by all the other more dreadful stuff that men do. It's done all the time.

People saying that women are as bad aren't suggesting that women kill and rape men but in context of the OP, it's a valid argument. Yet by jumping on the "men kill women" bandwagon, the discussion has lost all nuance and basis for debate. It's a silencing tactic that serves no purpose but to shut down debate. And whether intentional or not, this is what you're doing.

Noone is debating that some men do all the truly nasty stuff but that has little relevance to the OP.

There are many positives but when you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail. My FIL is kind, gentle, loyal, generous, hard working and a great husband/father. What more do you want? My OH is the same but it's of little interest when a PP said that even the good ones are bad. What complete load of bollocks.

Show quote history

Samantha, stop talking sense! 😄

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 19:28

@Naunet it's a joke...... but it's true?

Are you confused or what?

Naunet · 15/02/2023 19:29

PartridgeInAChair · 15/02/2023 19:15

There you are taking the pisx because some of us are happy with the men in our lives.

So sorry you have been through what you have.

I had the best Btother in the world who died. I have a fab DH. I've just been sat having a drink with two of our male friends. One is an amazing step dad to a down syndrome guy.

I could go on.

Show quote history

Congratulations 🤷‍♀️

Naunet · 15/02/2023 19:29

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 19:28

@Naunet it's a joke...... but it's true?

Are you confused or what?

My comment was a joke about that type of person. Is that ok with you or would you like me to run my posts past you in future for your approval?

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 19:32

@Naunet sorry didn't realise it was a joke, now I know I'm literally PMSL! It's the best I've heard for bloody months...

PartridgeInAChair · 15/02/2023 19:32

Naunet · 15/02/2023 19:29

Congratulations 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

Thanks.

I'm not saying there are no bad men just that not all men are awful. The world lost a beautiful person thexday my Brother died.

Naunet · 15/02/2023 19:34

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 19:32

@Naunet sorry didn't realise it was a joke, now I know I'm literally PMSL! It's the best I've heard for bloody months...

Why so angry? We all learn from our experiences, do we not? Maybe if I or OP had had your experiences with men, we might feel different. Maybe if you’d had mine, you might feel differently. There’s no need to get defensive, my comment wasn’t a personal attack on you.

Naunet · 15/02/2023 19:35

PartridgeInAChair · 15/02/2023 19:32

Thanks.

I'm not saying there are no bad men just that not all men are awful. The world lost a beautiful person thexday my Brother died.

Show quote history

I wish I’d been as lucky as you to have experienced so many lovely men, genuinely. Some of us aren’t dealt that hand though.

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 15/02/2023 19:37

Naunet · 15/02/2023 19:27

Its a joke 🙄 If you don’t think there are woman out there that bend over backwards to make excuses for men and pretend women are just as bad, then you need to open your eyes.

Show quote history

And if you don’t think there are men out there that bend over backwards to make excuses for women then you need to open your eyes.

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 19:38

@Naunet I'm not angry, I've no need to be 😂.

But you comment was just PA, not a joke.

Other PA comments with your 🤷‍♀️ when someone mentions the death of their brother is awful.

I've great men all around me, I also had three great brothers (two now laser on).

Yeah, you may have had shit, but stop blaming every man.

Anyway, I've got to go.... DH just serving up dinner.

Clarabell77 · 15/02/2023 19:39

I always think even the “good” ones (ie faithful, decent human beings) have a selfish streak and tend to put themselves first more than women do.

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 19:39

And if you don’t think there are men out there that bend over backwards to make excuses for women then you need to open your eyes.

Oh so very true!

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 19:39

Clarabell77 · 15/02/2023 19:39

I always think even the “good” ones (ie faithful, decent human beings) have a selfish streak and tend to put themselves first more than women do.

My DH doesn't HTH!

Naunet · 15/02/2023 19:40

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 19:38

@Naunet I'm not angry, I've no need to be 😂.

But you comment was just PA, not a joke.

Other PA comments with your 🤷‍♀️ when someone mentions the death of their brother is awful.

I've great men all around me, I also had three great brothers (two now laser on).

Yeah, you may have had shit, but stop blaming every man.

Anyway, I've got to go.... DH just serving up dinner.

👍

TwoMonthsOff · 15/02/2023 19:41

CrystalCoco · 15/02/2023 08:12

I hear you OP, I have completely lost my faith in men.

Every day on the news, women and children abused, raped and murdered by men, men that they loved and trusted. Sick to death of it.

Sick of misogny, "banter", road rage, you name it, men are awful.
The misdeeds women are guilty of are just incomparable to the awfulness of men.

👍good post

Swipe left for the next trending thread