....to think men are, sorry, but AWFUL

[TrainteaAnnie]

Straight woman, mid thirties. Have had three 3 year relationships. Everyone one seemed like the 'nice' guy, the kind you can trust..
One caught with porn addiction, one found dm'ing other girls on social media, one outright cheated while drunk on a lads holiday.
I'm dating a lovely man now, but I honestly just had this feeling like... It's inevitable, at some point, he's gonna be like all the rest. I can't trust him although he's not given me reason not to.
And then there's life, every night I come on Mumsnet and read another horror story of some poor married woman, often with young DC completely blindsided by a discovery of infidelity. Or a woman married for 40 years to her best friends finding out he's used prostitutes for their entire marriage.
In the news, Megan Fox being cheated on. That horrid situation with Joe Westerman.
It's everywhere, endlessly. Men driven by their dicks ruining women's lives. Women who trust and love them. It makes me feel ok physically sick thinking about it all. I feel like I never want to talk to this guy I'm dating again even though, maybe 10 years ago, I'd be in love with him. I just emotionally can't do it anymore. Men are awful.

Help!

He might be the exception to the rule and be the one who you have a lifetime of happiness with!! Dont give up!

“not all men”
”women cheat too”
”women can be awful too”

Seriously, how many women do you know of that you’ve received unsolicited nudes from? How many women do you know that financially abuse their partners/husbands? How many women do you know that swan off on weekends and evenings expecting men to do majority of childcare and put their careers on hold? How many women do you know that make you feel uncomfortable when they’re behind you and you’re walking alone at night. How many women do you know that grope you and slide their arm all over you when trying to pass by in a busy pub? How many women do you know that are paid more than their male counterparts in the same industries.

Seriously fuck off.

I work with a whole load of great guys, genuinely love their wives and DC. Also pets, these guys light up telling me tales about their dogs/cats. I think they hard to find though. Previous company was full of sleaze bags

I know, I'm actually cringing for these misogyny-apologists.

Either incredibly naive or (I suspect) men posting as women for laughs.

As a woman though I know there are some awful men out there. I think Sam Smith has lost the plot for one. There also some dangerous men out out there. My first boyfriend was an absolute dick head.

However, I'm not going to live my life judging everyone with a penis. I give all people a chance. I've said before I have some great relationships with men.

I can have a laugh with both men and women. Some things me and my female friends laugh about might make some women shocked.

I'm 52. I don't hate men at all, and have good friendships with a few.
However, I can count on one hand the number of men that haven't cheated or attempted to in my line of vision (at work)

They really do think with their dicks. They are constantly seeking some form of validation. And they easily get bored.
IMO it's a combination of these 3 factors that lead to all the cheating that goes on (speaking here of common or garden variety cheating, not violent attacks on others which is another issue)

Also, some of the threads started on here do make me question how some women think.

In context of what the OP is saying though as a PP said, this may be a decent one. Depends though what realistically you want from a man, if you want perfection like all humans are flawed you will be disappointed. Of course abuse, assault and other horrible actions are not something to be compromised on but of you are talking about risk of getting with a man with a bad outcome again, only you knowing your current man can judge that. You won't be able to mitigate all risks though it is what you can tolerate.

The whole point of a theory is to explain, predict and control. By understanding and applying the theory, it ought to be possible to change future outcomes to ones that you prefer. But if a proposition generalises too broadly (to quote the OP ... "men are awful") it no longer has any predictive value or utility as a proposition. It's like stating "all energy is physics". Maybe, but so what?

Discussions about the quality of men would be more useful if they focussed on the characteristics the better men have, what causes them to have those characteristics, and how to encourage more of them to adopt those characteristics and to exhibit them more frequently. Not bleating "but why should women have to?" and throwing in the towel. Making improvements is hard work. It takes whole lifetimes. Whole marriages. It used to be said that behind every great man stood an even greater woman. If the complaint is that there don't seem to be any great men around ... I wonder why that might be?

I think that if you dislike/distrust men, you should take a break from relationships - as it's not fair to the man you're seeing to carry the burden of your issues.

If you read a Relationships board - of course you're going to read awful stories. No one happy posts here. I'm assuming you didn't have a good relationship with your dad or have any brothers? That's probably a large part of why you distrust men - you've never had a baseline for good behaviour from them.

If you can afford it, I'd consider therapy - that can help you determine what you want in a relationship and how to best identify it. The ex-es you've described are awful and I wonder if maybe your eye for red flags isn't very strong or you're focusing on the wrong characteristics when choosing men. As an example - I have a friend who often picks wealthy men who spoil her on dates - and then realises years later they're controlling. Like I tell her, there aren't free lunches and the fairytale of a man swooping into make everything better isn't true - a guy who is using money to seduce you is someone who is going to expect a lot in return. And if he isn't getting it, he'll use his money to get another woman, because women are just trophies to him - so always look for a guy who values your personality and has one of his own.

I've never dated men like this so I know there's good, kind ones out there. And I hope you can find that our yourself.

Men are awful.

I sometimes feel like this.

Just turn on the news and almost every single crime committed is by men.

Every single country has the same issues, so it’s not even something that can be blamed on culture or lack of a prison system.

Every country has way more men’s prisons than they do women’s.

I don’t fear for my DDs safety because of women - it is men that I worry about.

I stayed single simply because I was so worried about bringing a man around my DD and him turning out to be violent or a peado.

However, I think women cheat more or as much as men.

And when I watch the videos in Syria and Turkey of men risking their lives to save people, crying because they’ve found a woman alive, kissing a baby, so excited and thanking God because they’ve found a dog alive - I’m reminded how many incredible men there are in the world.

Most men are decent humans.
But trying to figure out the good from the bad is not easy and it can be exhausting.

I often wonder if we had an island of just women how it would be.
Would it be completely safe and crime free or would some women become like men and the crime rate would be the same.

Look at that guy caught up an alley with his mates partner . I bet he didn't seem that type of guy . His wife is devastated. Omg could they not have got a room ? He's thrown everything away because he thought through his dick .

What guy?

Surely them getting a room would have the same outcome as the alley?

@EarringsandLipstick I literally don't know one single man that has been 100% faithful in their relationship except my grandfather!

This is incredible paranoia! To live a life where you so strongly distrust and dislike a large part of the human race must be very depressing indeed. And not healthy for your DH either - I would hate to be married to someone who borderline hated my entire gender!!

Presumably, this was also consensual based on what you've said so the woman's just as bad.

It's hardly a secret that men often think with their dick, why is everyone so amazed/ horrified when they end up doing something naughty.

Gosh that's terrible! I know a very small number of men who have been unfaithful, and far more who are 100% committed. I know people will say 'well, you don't know' but of the couples / individuals I know well, I can confidently say that I do.

I know a woman who slept with her husbands best man, a woman who has been having sex in a store room at work (has a DH at home), a woman who has been having an affair with another woman (has a DH at home).

I know a man who got another woman pregnant at a similar time to his wife, so 2 kids similar age. I know another man who has been sleeping with a colleague (wife at home), and another who slept with someone on holiday (wife at home).

Wheres the difference?

Years ago, well decades ago, I knew someone through work who got married. Big wedding, very fancy honeymoon. They got back from the honeymoon and that night went out for a drink with the best man and his girlfriend, they were going to look through the photos together. At the end of the night the groom went to the loo and when he came out his best man's girlfriend was alone and crying. He asked what was wrong and she said the bride and best man had left together and weren't coming back.

When we asked the bride what had happened she said she found married life flat and wanted some excitement. She'd been back from her honeymoon for less than 12 hrs, we couldn't figure out what she'd been expecting.

Few weeks later best man dumps her and she then finds out she's pregnant but doesn't know who the father is. That was one almighty mess. From what we heard, admittedly second hand, the groom was absolutely distraught.

All these women saying men in their lives are great...Wayne Couzen's wife thought he was a great husband and father too.

"“If I had any idea what was going on in Wayne’s head, then none of this would’ve happened but I didn’t know anything. He didn’t appear to be acting strangely. I didn’t notice anything was wrong....I can’t comprehend it because he never once previously showed any glimpse of violence, he was never that way. I’m just as puzzled as everyone else"

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/sarah-everard-wayne-couzens-trial-b1881452.html

Insofar as the OPs gripe is about infidelity, the difference is that the MN hive mind believes that most men are inherently disloyal and therefore potentially unfaithful, whereas only some women have those characteristics. Your example of three and three is an outlier, not the norm.

Of course, for every extramarital or illicit heterosexual coupling there must be exactly equal numbers of men and women involved. So the only way most men can be tarred with this brush, whilst only some women are, is if those women are really, really promiscuous and get around an awful lot. And when that prospect offends, the logical 'out' from this difficulty is that those 'fallen' women who sleep with many men must also somehow be victims of patriarchy - e.g. prostitutes who are trafficked (by men), or damaged girls with attachment issues (caused by men), or not consenting (the man is a rapist). All these things can, and do, occur depressingly often (and are awful, by the way - I'm not condoning any of it), but still not in the numbers needed for the YANBU posters on this thread to be correct in their generalisations. It also requires a regular smattering of news stories and MN threads, and then confirmation bias kicks in and does most of the heavy lifting to close that gap. Then, you have all the proof needed that most men philander, most women don't, and those women that do participate in male philandry are themselves victims, and not accountable. An unfalsifiable position in which any woman who claims her sex-work or her promiscuity is a conscious and free choice, and an affirmation of her agency and power, is ridiculed, ostracised and silenced ... by other women. And yet the mathematical equilibrium remains that equal numbers of women have sex with men as men do with women. Men being awful does not fully explain this.

You sound unhinged and frankly uneducated

Maybe you should try and engage with more people to improve your perspective.

I'm not going to live in fear because of Wayne Couzen.