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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

587 replies

Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:10

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

OP posts:
stripedsox · 15/02/2023 07:35

I'm in for a kicking but like you sugar I'm too full of questions and whys also.
Sadly life experiences have made me very wary, suspious and pragmatic. It's a horrible way to feel tbh.

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 07:41

@Figmentof so you'd immediately end your relationship and leave your DH?

That's what the PP said to do.

I'm not saying don't help, Im saying find out what has actually happened.

stripedsox · 15/02/2023 07:44

Some posters are very dramatic on here. Irl they probably wouldn't have even opened the front door.

Itsmyturnnow1 · 15/02/2023 07:46

Eastereggsboxedupready · 14/02/2023 21:15

Your dh doesn't get to refuse. Unless he wants to be labelled also abusive..

This is a bit OTT! Maybe he’s worried about the repercussions of the husband turning up when they have kids?! Hardly abusive it it!!

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 07:48

stripedsox · 15/02/2023 07:44

Some posters are very dramatic on here. Irl they probably wouldn't have even opened the front door.

Of course 90% of MN don't open the door unless they've had written notice of a visitor.

But they would open it if it was a police officer, because they have a distinctive "knock" apparently. One which no one else could possibly copy. (Actually said by one poster on a thread about answering/ignoring the door).

Bubblebubblebah · 15/02/2023 07:48

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/02/2023 00:29

I am amazed at the number of people making excuses for the DH's behaviour.

I get that some people might not want the woman to stay, and that they think a hotel is a better idea. Fair enough, I don't necessarily agree but I can understand that point of view. But the OP's DH wouldn't even let the poor woman come into the house for just a few minutes, and then he told the OP not to go and meet her at the cafe because it was better not to get involved.

Just think about it. The OP's friend - not close but she is a friend - arrives on their doorstep with her child in a desperate state, having been kicked out by a partner who made her feel unsafe. That vulnerable friend is asking for help, and all the OP's husband can do is tell the OP not to get involved?

On what planet do people think it's OK to shrug off a plea for help from a vulnerable friend because it's better not to get in involved? Clearly, some of you are happy enough to share your lives with men like this, but personally, I have higher standards.

Some of us did that for our friends and ended up being threatened, stalked, bullied, some in actual immediate physical danger.

Helping doesn't have to mean letting them stay but help find somewhere to stay and contact people who actually know what they are doing.

I even understand his "don't get involved" though disagree. Because getting involved does bring it to your door as well.
I do wonder if he knows someone or experienced the aftermath.
I was quite a bitch apparently for wanting to break them up and adding oil into the fire by letting her stay and think he is too bad for her. This woman is from work. If similar were to happen she can cost op a job because it becomes incredibly upsetting situation.

There are lots of people here who have some movie fantasy of help and happy ending. Nah. Sometimes you don't get raknbows and unicorns, but threatening messages, rrputation attack and car parked by your house.

Lockheart · 15/02/2023 07:49

Stravaig · 15/02/2023 07:30

@ButterBastardBeans This occurred to me too, as a possibility, albeit unlikely. It's certainly how I'd challenge DH - 'I'm assuming your vehement refusal means this is about an affair and she is the OW, in which case you need to pack a bag and leave anyway. She and her daughter stay.' One way of underlining how unreasonable he's being.

This is a the best (craziest) example I've ever seen of batshit manipulation and control. Who knew you should just accuse your H of an affair whenever you disagree?

slashlover · 15/02/2023 07:52

Stravaig · 15/02/2023 07:30

@ButterBastardBeans This occurred to me too, as a possibility, albeit unlikely. It's certainly how I'd challenge DH - 'I'm assuming your vehement refusal means this is about an affair and she is the OW, in which case you need to pack a bag and leave anyway. She and her daughter stay.' One way of underlining how unreasonable he's being.

You'd honestly use this to accuse your DH of having an affair? Honestly?

BadNomad · 15/02/2023 07:52

It's easy for people to judge when it's not them who is having to face potentially being confronted by an angry, violent man coming to their house. It would be the OP's DH who would be expected to protect everyone.

Stravaig · 15/02/2023 07:59

It's not a 'disagreement'. My marriage ends when a fundamental difference in values is revealed. Turning away a desperate woman and child, refusing to even let them in the door to keep them safe while you settle them and call the police or a women's refuge or a hotel is a breach in fundamental values to me.

Your values and standards may be different.

Simonjt · 15/02/2023 08:00

slashlover · 15/02/2023 07:52

You'd honestly use this to accuse your DH of having an affair? Honestly?

Show quote history

Shocking how many people think emotional blackmail is a completely normal thing in a relationship.

stripedsox · 15/02/2023 08:00

mrs bennett it seems a lot of posters live in a movie state on mn, big salaries, perfect this that and whatever.
So many go for the 'popular view' responses as they don't want to be seen as different or outsiders. It's like the negative playground of if you think differently to the rest of us you're in for it.
As I said before I'm a bit of a cynic about the whole thing, too many whys for my liking.
I'm interested to read any updates as I obviously hope the woman and her dd are okay. Before anyone says it, it's someone's life not a soap opera so keeping in prespective, the 'I'd leave my dh because of it' would you really?

Lockheart · 15/02/2023 08:01

Stravaig · 15/02/2023 07:59

It's not a 'disagreement'. My marriage ends when a fundamental difference in values is revealed. Turning away a desperate woman and child, refusing to even let them in the door to keep them safe while you settle them and call the police or a women's refuge or a hotel is a breach in fundamental values to me.

Your values and standards may be different.

And rather than discuss that like a healthy adult, you'd just jump straight to blackmailing him by saying "if you don't let her in you must be sleeping with her so you must leave".

Sure, that's totally normal and not at all manipulative and controlling.

Fiddie · 15/02/2023 08:04

Poor woman

stripedsox · 15/02/2023 08:07

Ffs some posters don't SPEAK to their dh/p families. That's why text messages were invented, so in a few thousand years the human vocal cords will go the same way as appendix - no use. Medical science will ask what was the point of them?

DrawingdowntheMoon · 15/02/2023 08:08

MySugarBabyLove · 15/02/2023 07:03

Something doesn’t sit right here.

This random acquaintance, who the OP knows little about, and who it seems has never trusted the OP enough to confide in her about the apparently abusive relationship she’s in, turns up on her doorstep, bags packed, and asks to stay because she’s “afraid to go home,” with no further context than that?

Why hasn’t she gone to a hotel?

Why hasn’t she gone to a friend or family member?

She has picked a random colleague and just turned up on their doorstep.

It’s incredibly manipulative behaviour, and I would be wondering what there really is to the situation.

I would offer to help her book a hotel, if she was genuine then she would accept, but no, I wouldn’t just let her in without knowing any details, and knowing whether she was genuine or whether her violent husband was going to turn up on my doorstep and put my family at risk.

This is sound common sense.

If this woman and her daughter presents themselves to the nearest Police Station, they will call Social Services on her behalf and arrange temporary emergency accommodation. They will also make a report out which could be useful in the future if she needs a council flat.

The DH is correct not to get involved in this and to let the professionals deal with it.

GrazingSheep · 15/02/2023 08:08

Hopefully the op might come back at some stage…..

slashlover · 15/02/2023 08:09

Stravaig · 15/02/2023 07:59

It's not a 'disagreement'. My marriage ends when a fundamental difference in values is revealed. Turning away a desperate woman and child, refusing to even let them in the door to keep them safe while you settle them and call the police or a women's refuge or a hotel is a breach in fundamental values to me.

Your values and standards may be different.

So saying "you must be shagging her if you don't let her in" is therefore acceptable?

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 08:11

GrazingSheep · 15/02/2023 08:08

Hopefully the op might come back at some stage…..

She's probably in turmoil from the predictable revelation that the colleague is having an affair with her DH and that the child is actually his.

Stravaig · 15/02/2023 08:12

Lockheart · 15/02/2023 08:01

And rather than discuss that like a healthy adult, you'd just jump straight to blackmailing him by saying "if you don't let her in you must be sleeping with her so you must leave".

Sure, that's totally normal and not at all manipulative and controlling.

Show quote history

Except that isn't what I said, is it? I said it had occured to me too, although I thought it unlikely; but it would certainly be a good way of underlining to DH how unreasonable he was being, by challenging him with that hypothesis. The hyperbolic scenario equivalent of tipping a bucket of cold water over him, because who wants to have to mop up an actual bucket of cold water with everything else that is going on?

OP's DH is the one unable to 'discuss that like a healthy adult' - no, he laid down the law, leaving a woman and child in a very vulnerable position.

slashlover · 15/02/2023 08:17

Stravaig · 15/02/2023 08:12

Except that isn't what I said, is it? I said it had occured to me too, although I thought it unlikely; but it would certainly be a good way of underlining to DH how unreasonable he was being, by challenging him with that hypothesis. The hyperbolic scenario equivalent of tipping a bucket of cold water over him, because who wants to have to mop up an actual bucket of cold water with everything else that is going on?

OP's DH is the one unable to 'discuss that like a healthy adult' - no, he laid down the law, leaving a woman and child in a very vulnerable position.

Show quote history

So what would you do if he still said no?

You've basically told him that if he doesn't allow the woman you have now accused him of sleeping with and her child into the house then he has to go.

Lockheart · 15/02/2023 08:18

but it would certainly be a good way of underlining to DH how unreasonable he was being, by challenging him with that hypothesis.

No it isn't; it's emotional blackmail and is abusive.

OP's DH is the one unable to 'discuss that like a healthy adult' - no, he laid down the law

Yes and he's unreasonable for that, although not necessarily for trying to keep his home and family safe from any fallout. That doesn't mean you go straight to accusations of an affair.

daisychain01 · 15/02/2023 08:25

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 07:20

You read too many books! Your imagination is off the scale!

Show quote history

I'm not so sure this is a figment of the imagination.

the work colleague and the DH are known to each other more than the OP realises, and has been kicked out because the colleague's partner has found out about their relationship.

where does the colleague head.... to the DHs house.

maybe this isn't the case, but it isn't that crazy and answers the question why the colleague chose the OPs house (when the OP isn't actually a friend, more like an acquaintance) rather than choosing an actual friend or relative.

DoormatBob · 15/02/2023 08:26

My initial thoughts were DH very unreasonable and I can't imagine thinking twice about supporting an unknown (to me) friend or colleague of DW in that situation.

But thinking more, if OP has kids of their own. You are moving this unsafe situation to your own home and her DH has become the person most at risk.

This isn't victim blaming, I believe it's significant manipulation on the abusers side but in my (limited) experience (previous partners sister), she couldn't not respond, get drawn into discussion and disclose where she was. And she always went back.

On reflection your DH is not unreasonable for not wanting to get your family involved in a self-described unsafe situation.

diddl · 15/02/2023 08:34

I would have let her in for a coffee & a talk about what to do.

Not sure about staying the night though.