To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

[Roarlikealiontonight]

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

I haven't accused anyone of anything. I said his refusal to even let them in the door long enough to see them safely settled somewhere reveals a fundamental different in values which would end a relationship for me. That is my position.

I separately said, in support of another poster, that it had also occurred to me that his blanket No might hide something else, such as an affair; albeit unlikely; however challenging him with that might bring him to his senses. As I said - positing a hyperbolic scenario to underline how shocking and inexplicable his behaviour is.

If it were me, I could just say 'your behaviour is shocking and inexplicable', and the full weight of that would be understood. However people communicate in all sorts of different ways, and for many that would not convey enough.

Sorry for the late update. I brought them back to my house last night in the end. DH chose to go to his parents house for the night when I got back with them, I’m hoping he’ll be more reasonable this morning. I didn’t make DH go to his parents house he just said “I’m going to sleep somewhere else then”. Colleague wants to go to work this morning but I’ve told her I don’t think she should, she’s still very upset as well. I’m not her line manager but I am more senior than her. Not heard from DH yet this morning. For context I have a DD as well, she’s not DH’s though she’s from a previous relationship of mine. I didn’t end up discussing the longer term with my colleague last night as i didn’t think 10pm at night was the best time to do so, I was leaving that until this morning.

Holy moly is that what you think is the risk of finding out you have invited violence into your home? Water pistols at dawn and a bit of an embarrassed red face+handshake if you lose? Do you live in Disney land? Just kidding.

All joking aside, though: every couple ideally needs someone to be the heart and someone to be the head when the time arises, then you have good starting points for a reasoned decision.

I'd like to hear the DH's side. Has he got past experience of being generous with this sort of thing and it backfired on him? Is there some sort of pattern with OP that the DH is taking a reasonable stand against? I'll withhold judgement on the DH without that blank being filled.

I couldn't let the woman go without finding her some safe shelter, even if that wasn't in my home. She came for help. Help doesn't have to mean putting her up.

@Roarlikealiontonight Glad they're safe. Big love to all of you x

I haven't accused anyone of anything. You literally said you would accuse him.

'I'm assuming your vehement refusal means this is about an affair and she is the OW, in which case you need to pack a bag and leave anyway. She and her daughter stay.'

Thanks for the update, OP. I'm glad you did the charitable thing and everyone is safe, and I hope it doesn't cause an unwanted rift or any trouble for you.

I guess since he is not the parent he doesn't get a veto, which makes some sense.

I couldn't imagine my DH doing that. If someone he didn't know, but I did, turned up on the doorstep in distress asking for help he'd just step aside and let them in.

OP's DH then walked out to go stay at his mum's?! Does he have some sort of paranoia about strangers staying in his house?! Or is it some bullshit "mancode" thing where he doesn't want to be seen to be siding against a bloke who's just kicked his own family out of the door and who's only option for safety is to turn up on the doorstep of someone she's not actually particularly close to?

Well done OP - you know you did the right thing. Hopefully your H's mum will tell him he's been a twat too!

@slashlover As I said, 'positing a hyperbolic scenario to underline how shocking and inexplicable his behaviour is'. In response to a poster who was wondering about an affair (so may have relevance to their relationship).

I do worry about my colleague longer term though, as in if she’ll be ok. I don’t have any experience of it so don’t know how long it takes for her to get a place in a refuge or anywhere?

There should be a community service somewhere where you can connect her to people who can support her with all the practicalities. Let them take responsibility. They have the connections and knowledge of available resources.

The council might be able to help with emergency accommodation as well. It is worth phoning their housing department and telling them everything. At least she can get on any lists.

It's because this woman is merely a colleague of the OP and not a friend.

It makes no sense for this woman to go to the OP as there is no friendship. Something is off about that aspect of it.

I would offer her and her DD a bed for the night but I would have this face about it : / I would do it because I'm not an asshole and nor is my DH but as we are not friends as such, she would have to go to a hotel the following day.

I don't have an overactive imagination but his immediate and quite aggressive stance is an oddity as is the woman turning up when she is not even particular friends with the OP. I'm just looking for a possible reason and have read enough on here to know that this sort of thing is not rare.

And you did the right thing!

This would be making me question if I ever wanted you ‘d’h to move back in. A known woman and a 12 year old, unless drunk/high, are not a threat.

I’d like to hear why dh was so strongly against it as well. Has he had past experience of being used (or heard horror stories). Seems extreme he went to sleep elsewhere. What was he afraid of?

Seems also strange that colleague came to your house. Are you local to her? Why not family or friends? Especially as you said you’re not close friends as such.

Has she done this sort of thing before? Has she stayed at other peoples houses? Possibly op may not be aware for confidentiality and/or safeguarding reasons.

what’s the plan going forward? Have you contacted social services. And/or police?Was she expecting to stay at yours long term? Or return home?

whats dh’s reaction this morning?

sorry for all the questions, but it does seem an odd and random event to occur.

Wow, I don’t think I could look at my husband the same way ever again. What a nasty prick he is.

Good on you for helping this poor woman OP. X

Abusive men often cut women off from their support systems. Her family could live miles away, she might not have any friends.

I would be on DH’s side, and my first thought was that DH had reason for being so anti her staying - everything from more going on behind the scenes with the colleague, through to knowing she’s a shit stirrer or not wanting to be on the receiving end of an angry husband throwing a punch.

Unless it was a close friend, there’s no way I’d let someone random stay the night in that scenario.

Maybe you and friend should get a hotel together with kids as sounds like your husband is an abusive heartless prick too! I’m sorry you both ended up with controlling partners.

Some councils take the view that if you have any bed available to you - like the one you are offering, you are not homeless, she could be with you for weeks or months before anything is offered. You may have to write up a letter saying she is not able to stay in your home any more to make her officially ‘homeless’

Yet another reason to leave the dickhead. Who wants to be married to a coward.

Exactly, so glad I didn’t marry a cowardly man who would rather put a child in danger than take a very small chance in being hit. I’d risk being hit by a man to protect a child, so damn right I’d expect my husband to.

I wondered about that also.

This. He is your husband not your master

So he preferred to leave you to it.🙄

Leave your home because YOU wouldn't obey him.

Thats a fine waster you have married.

Lovely example of manhood you brought into your daughters life.

I would have a long hard look at your own relationship because there is NO way this behaviour is in isolation.

There is NO way a decent man leaves his wife and her child to go to his parents for the night just because he doesn't agree with her helping a colleague in need.

He certainly wasn't concerned about your safety leaving you alone in the home.

This is about YOUR disobedience.

This is about HIM being a CONTROLLING ARSEHOLE.

That is some waster you married OP.

Protect and be honest with yourself too.