Page 8 | To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

Holly60 · 15/02/2023 05:34

GrumpyPanda · 15/02/2023 05:30

This takes the cake for dick pandering. Maybe take a look at domestic violence stats before starting out with this pathetic, predictable round of "but what about the menz."

How do you know he isn't thinking of his own wife and kids getting caught up in a domestic violence situation?

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 15/02/2023 05:46

Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:10

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

What happenedRoarlikealiontonight ?

As your husband didn't explain his reasons (or maybe he did and you didn't tell us?) we can't know whether he immediately dismissed the idea of letting your colleague and daughter in because

a) he's a closet misogynist who's sympathy lies with her husband

b) he's just a selfish "walk by on the other side" type generally

c) he has genuine concerns about her husband coming over and beating him up or terrifying your own children, perhaps from hearing similar stories

d) he actually knows your colleague personally himself and hasn't told you ...

whybeabitch · 15/02/2023 05:50

I would say to your husband, I have received your grievance and I will respond within 7 working days then let the woman in and make her and her daughter safe until she can find somewhere else safe to go

Redebs · 15/02/2023 05:57

So, OP sent her money for coffee, presumably via an app?
Has the woman got a bank card or app with her, but with no funds on it? Is that why she can't get a room for the night?

If someone was fleeing domestic violence like that, then I'd immediately take them in until next morning, when they could go to council housing office. OP's husband sounds incredibly selfish and controlling

whybeabitch · 15/02/2023 05:59

Redebs · 15/02/2023 05:57

So, OP sent her money for coffee, presumably via an app?
Has the woman got a bank card or app with her, but with no funds on it? Is that why she can't get a room for the night?

If someone was fleeing domestic violence like that, then I'd immediately take them in until next morning, when they could go to council housing office. OP's husband sounds incredibly selfish and controlling

If my husband refused a woman and child on my step a safe place for the night, he would be on the streets himself!

Fortunately, he would be the first to make up a bed for them and try help solve the situation. Some people only think of themselves

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/02/2023 06:07

Simonjt · 15/02/2023 04:44

We have children, absolutely no one stays in this home over nigjt unless we both know them.

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Wow, OK.

I guess I trust my DH's judgement as much as I trust my own, and he trusts mine. Neither of us would ever knowingly put dd at risk, but we also recognise that harm can be done by people you think you know really well. Sadly, perpetrators of abuse are not always strangers.

Out of interest, is it just overnight guests who would be banned if one of you didn't know them, or would you decline to have someone in the house that you hadn't met, like the OP's DH?

Zanatdy · 15/02/2023 06:19

Wow how mean. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who would see a distressed woman and child out on the streets. He could put his hand in his pocket and pay for a hotel if he’s dead against her coming into the house. If he did nothing then I’d be furious. But no man would over rule my decision like that without even consultation anyway. What a dick

ButterBastardBeans · 15/02/2023 06:21

Sorry to sound this cynical but are you sure your DH is not responsible for the breakdown in this woman's marriage OP?

His immediate and vehement 'no' would ring alarm bells for me.

rainbowstardrops · 15/02/2023 06:37

As she's not a close friend, she must have been desperate. To hear your DH say a definite 'no' must have been awful for her. Did you bring her and her child back with you?

LakieLady · 15/02/2023 06:38

What an utter compassion vacuum your "D"H is, OP. You must be so disappointed in him.

Sereni5 · 15/02/2023 06:40

Your husband sounds like a raging arsehole of the worst kind. Sorry OP.

Sereni5 · 15/02/2023 06:40

And yes I would never look at him in the same way again if I were you. Massive red flag.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 15/02/2023 06:57

What a fucking bastard, if I were you I'd be joining her and leaving him to enjoy having the whole house to himself on a permanent basis.

MySugarBabyLove · 15/02/2023 07:03

Something doesn’t sit right here.

This random acquaintance, who the OP knows little about, and who it seems has never trusted the OP enough to confide in her about the apparently abusive relationship she’s in, turns up on her doorstep, bags packed, and asks to stay because she’s “afraid to go home,” with no further context than that?

Why hasn’t she gone to a hotel?

Why hasn’t she gone to a friend or family member?

She has picked a random colleague and just turned up on their doorstep.

It’s incredibly manipulative behaviour, and I would be wondering what there really is to the situation.

I would offer to help her book a hotel, if she was genuine then she would accept, but no, I wouldn’t just let her in without knowing any details, and knowing whether she was genuine or whether her violent husband was going to turn up on my doorstep and put my family at risk.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/02/2023 07:12

MySugarBabyLove · 15/02/2023 07:03

Something doesn’t sit right here.

This random acquaintance, who the OP knows little about, and who it seems has never trusted the OP enough to confide in her about the apparently abusive relationship she’s in, turns up on her doorstep, bags packed, and asks to stay because she’s “afraid to go home,” with no further context than that?

Why hasn’t she gone to a hotel?

Why hasn’t she gone to a friend or family member?

She has picked a random colleague and just turned up on their doorstep.

It’s incredibly manipulative behaviour, and I would be wondering what there really is to the situation.

I would offer to help her book a hotel, if she was genuine then she would accept, but no, I wouldn’t just let her in without knowing any details, and knowing whether she was genuine or whether her violent husband was going to turn up on my doorstep and put my family at risk.

She is not a random acquaintance, she is a friend.

Why didn't she go to a hotel? Who knows, maybe she is being financially abused and doesn't have access to cash?

Why didn't she go to a friend or family member? Well, she did go to a friend. Not a close one, maybe, but the OP says that they are friends. Why didn't she go to a closer friend or family member? I don't know, maybe she hasn't got any? Maybe they don't live in the same part of the country? Maybe she's been isolated by her DH and has lost touch with them? Maybe they're away? Maybe she's afraid that he will know where she is?

Why do you think she turned up on the OP's doorstep?

Idontgiveashitanymore · 15/02/2023 07:17

He’s probably worried it will end up being for more than one night.
I did the same for my friend and it ended up ruining my life because she wouldn’t leave .

slashlover · 15/02/2023 07:17

ButterBastardBeans · 15/02/2023 06:21

Sorry to sound this cynical but are you sure your DH is not responsible for the breakdown in this woman's marriage OP?

His immediate and vehement 'no' would ring alarm bells for me.

What the hell? Why do some people go straight to "he must be shagging her" for EVERYTHING?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/02/2023 07:18

slashlover · 15/02/2023 07:17

What the hell? Why do some people go straight to "he must be shagging her" for EVERYTHING?

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No idea, it's quite a leap!

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 07:20

ButterBastardBeans · 15/02/2023 06:21

Sorry to sound this cynical but are you sure your DH is not responsible for the breakdown in this woman's marriage OP?

His immediate and vehement 'no' would ring alarm bells for me.

You read too many books! Your imagination is off the scale!

BigGreen · 15/02/2023 07:22

Your H is stone cold. I wouldn't be able to look at him the same way again.

FitAt50 · 15/02/2023 07:22

Maybe your husband is concerned that she has no family or friends she can stay with. You said she was a work friend and you are not close.

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 07:25

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 15/02/2023 06:57

What a fucking bastard, if I were you I'd be joining her and leaving him to enjoy having the whole house to himself on a permanent basis.

I think that's a bit extreme, let OP find out the situation and then decide.

How would you feel if your DHs work colleague, who you didn't know just turned up on your doorstep wanting to stay the night?

Figmentof · 15/02/2023 07:30

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 07:25

I think that's a bit extreme, let OP find out the situation and then decide.

How would you feel if your DHs work colleague, who you didn't know just turned up on your doorstep wanting to stay the night?

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If it was a woman and child escaping domestic violence, I would be happy to help.

To be honest, I am incredulous that OP apparently sent them away as well, and where on earth is a coffee shop open at 9:30pm anyway?

Stravaig · 15/02/2023 07:30

@ButterBastardBeans This occurred to me too, as a possibility, albeit unlikely. It's certainly how I'd challenge DH - 'I'm assuming your vehement refusal means this is about an affair and she is the OW, in which case you need to pack a bag and leave anyway. She and her daughter stay.' One way of underlining how unreasonable he's being.

MySugarBabyLove · 15/02/2023 07:30

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/02/2023 07:12

She is not a random acquaintance, she is a friend.

Why didn't she go to a hotel? Who knows, maybe she is being financially abused and doesn't have access to cash?

Why didn't she go to a friend or family member? Well, she did go to a friend. Not a close one, maybe, but the OP says that they are friends. Why didn't she go to a closer friend or family member? I don't know, maybe she hasn't got any? Maybe they don't live in the same part of the country? Maybe she's been isolated by her DH and has lost touch with them? Maybe they're away? Maybe she's afraid that he will know where she is?

Why do you think she turned up on the OP's doorstep?

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They’re not close friends by any stretch of the imagination, OP said so in her OP.

If the husband is financially abusive and controlling, then if the friend knows where the OP lives, then so will he.

OP knows nothing about this woman. She hasn’t even previously confided in the OP, that’s how not good friends they are. And yet she’s turned up randomly, bags packed, on her doorstep. Why? Because based on some of the responses on this thread, purely saying “I’m afraid to go home” with absolutely no context means that you should throw open your doors and give the person somewhere to stay.

If she was so afraid to go home that she couldn’t go to anyone else where her dh might know where she was, then she wouldn’t be sitting in a public coffee shop either, bearing in mind there are very few coffee shops that are open at 9:30 at night so she wouldn’t be hard to find if the dh went looking.

And if OP put this friend up she wouldn’t necessarily just be putting her family at risk while the friend was there. If the dh was that abusive, she could be putting her family permanently at risk. Without any context or knowing who and what you are dealing with, including the fact that you don’t really know this woman, it would be foolish to just throw open your doors and let them stay for god knows how long.