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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

587 replies

Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:10

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

OP posts:
Palmface · 15/02/2023 02:05

I cannot believe your dh. Of course you should let them stay if you're comfortable with that. It must have taken huge courage to leave with her dc, turn up at a colleagues doorstep and ask for help. Unless there is a serious back story to this, I'd say it's human decency to help out a woman you know and her child like this.

DissidentDaughter · 15/02/2023 02:07

Distressed mother and daughter on the doorstep late at night - I do believe my partner would usher them indoors quick-smart, and go and stick the kettle on. First things first. Tomorrow is another day.

Ponderingwindow · 15/02/2023 02:18

I spent many nights sleeping in our car as a child because it wasn’t safe for us to go home. It’s not as scary as staying in the house, but it doesn’t feel safe either.

this thread has stirred up a lot of emotions .

i Hope your husband comes to understand that he made the wrong call here. (Deleted my not so polite first few drafts)

eyope · 15/02/2023 02:19

I get where your DH is coming from. Years ago a neighbour from down the road came screaming and running to my door saying her bf was beating her up. Had a cut on her face. I immediately let her in, no questions asked (as I had seen her around and made small talk). Called the police - her bf started kicking and yelling at my door for her. It was pretty scary. The police eventually arrived and took them both away for questioning.

Turns out they had both attacked each other when drunk, and it had happened before, a few times. She didn't want to take the matter further and the police let them both go. Was back with him the next day. Except the bf and his friends kept glaring and being intimidating with me for a while after - until they moved away. She never acknowledged or thanked me either. And I fully suspect she just used me to get whatever leverage she wanted on him, in their toxic relationship. As one of the only single women on the street, she knew I'd be more sympathetic than other older and family neighbours - in fact her immediate next door neighbour told me they both got drunk regularly and had these awful fights.

Not saying your colleague is the same, just that you don't know what's happened at home or what she's like at home. Makes sense to question her on what's going on and not trust blindly coz she's a woman. The thing that makes no sense to me is - she says he's thrown her out of the house. But I'd assume if he was a danger to her, he wouldn't have forced her to leave the house where he knows she can go for help?

T1Dmama · 15/02/2023 02:33

Tinkerbyebye · 14/02/2023 21:20

Ask your dh how he would feel if a female member of his family was in that situation and some dickhead Husband said no and left them on the street

This.

The husband is being unreasonable. I hope you let them sleep on your sofa.
call the non urgent police and ask for a refuge referral asap

TiaI · 15/02/2023 02:45

I would ask her to park elsewhere and drive her to my house. I would have her stay at mine and just immediately call the police if he arrived. The likelihood is he doesn’t know where you live and you’re not an obvious choice to accommodate such an emergency. Keep doors locked. In similar circumstances the police have taken 15/20 minutes to arrive

harrassedmumto3 · 15/02/2023 02:46

Your husband is a prick.

TiaI · 15/02/2023 02:47

I would feel very upset with DH. The idea of not helping someone in need is alien to me

harrassedmumto3 · 15/02/2023 02:49

Logburnerperils · 14/02/2023 21:33

Na i am with your husband. Don't let randos who are not in a fit state of mind in your house.

Then you're a heartless coward, just like him.

lemmein · 15/02/2023 02:58

I'd be really embarrassed if my DH behaved like that Confused

QueenCamilla · 15/02/2023 03:20

That sort of reaction from my husband would really unsettle me. I'd assume he has a "past". Unless he's dumb. Or could be both.

I'd take them in but insist on calling the police straight away depending on what happened and what danger there still could be. I'd help with the refuge in the morning, if needed.

I'd advise calling the council and presenting as homeless due to domestic violence. I called around 10am in the morning and I was picking up the keys to a 2 bedroom cottage by 4pm.
Having a police report helped.

PomsInOz · 15/02/2023 03:30

He is a truly horrible man, sorry. This kind of attitude should have gone out with the ark, let's hope you are never in trouble.

araiwa · 15/02/2023 03:48

More than one poster has already accused the DH of already fucking this woman he doesn't know. Add in a 12 year old girl he doesn't know and it's easy to understand why he doesn't want an unknown woman and girl in his house.

This a real thing that men need to be concerned about. There are many ways to help without having them in your house for a night or in all likelihood even longer

icefishing · 15/02/2023 03:50

Jeez, DH isn't perfect but he wouldn't consider behaving like that.
Neither of us would like the situation but we would turn a woman and her kid away in an emergency.

Mrstwiddle · 15/02/2023 03:54

Well, your husband is a real prince among men isn’t he?

namitynamechange · 15/02/2023 03:55

PeanutButterSmoothie · 15/02/2023 00:37

Tbf, if the violent ex turns up and kicks door in, it'll then be husband who's expected to protect everyone. He probs realises this hence his reluctance.

So- rather than hypothetically let everyone down/risk looking scared at some point in the future he is letting them all down now?

Brieandcamembert · 15/02/2023 03:57

Simonjt · 14/02/2023 21:15

Could you help her book a hotel? I have children, there is no way I would let one of my husbands random colleagues stay in my home while the children are here, there was ways to help without strangers sleeping in your home.

That is the most over the top response I've ever seen. He doesn't one someone in his house. He's allowed to choose that.

My husband is kind a d caring but isn't keen on house guests. It would make him anxious.

Brieandcamembert · 15/02/2023 03:57

AHH wrong quote in my post. Ignore.

Simonjt · 15/02/2023 04:44

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/02/2023 00:07

There is so much talk of having strangers in the house. It's really alien to me. Lots of my DH's friends are strangers to me, but I wouldn't dream of banning them from our house - it's his house too, and they're his friends! If I haven't met them before they come, well...I just get to know them while they're here!

Are people really saying that they wouldn't let a partner's friend visit unless they had met them previously somewhere else?Confused

We have children, absolutely no one stays in this home over nigjt unless we both know them.

Simonjt · 15/02/2023 04:48

Brieandcamembert · 15/02/2023 03:57

AHH wrong quote in my post. Ignore.

I was thinking y

kateandme · 15/02/2023 04:54

just sounds like another male who really doesnt care.or get it.
there was nothing from the op of sympathy or lets get her down the road in the b&b.bring her in for a cuppa lets sort how to keep her safe? no the woman had to even be in danger by going elsewhere for coffee by big boy husband was listened to.

HoppingPavlova · 15/02/2023 05:08

Does your DH condone potential abuse to women and children? How very strange. I would look to get rid personally, don’t know I could get past this.

I nearly separated from DH many years ago as he refused to have a specific talk with our sons that violence against women was unacceptable. His take was ‘everyone knows that, I don’t know anyone like this, I haven’t brought my sons up to believe that it is acceptable, they haven’t done anything etc’. My take was ‘everyone knows this’ is actually not correct given what happens everyday in the world and why he would refuse to give this specific talk I found extremely troubling (again, never any violence with him to women or otherwise). I spent a good few weeks wondering if this was a make or break aspect. If I was OP my DH would already be out.

Holly60 · 15/02/2023 05:28

I'm not actually with the other posters. I can kind of see your DH's point. She has said she doesn't feel safe with her husband but not said why.

Is he violent? Is he likely to want to seek revenge? Is he mentally stable? Could he find out who helped her and where they live, where their children go to school?

In the news a few days ago a man killed his own wife and daughter in revenge for losing them. It's not that much of a stretch to be worried another man could harm someone else's children in revenge for losing his family.

I wouldn't even risk putting my kids in any kind of danger of him seeking his revenge on them, however unlikely it might seem.

Can you pay for a hotel for her?

C1N1C · 15/02/2023 05:28

So the reason people are saying she showed up on a random colleague's door is because she probably didn't feel safe going to a friend or family member's house... meaning the man is violent... and people are surprised OP's husband doesn't want to bring that trouble into his own house???

And marriage is a two-way street... he has just as much right to say no as OP does to say yes... and on balance, there is no benefit to OP's family by doing this, only potential trouble. Move the fight away from your front door into a hotel.

GrumpyPanda · 15/02/2023 05:30

This takes the cake for dick pandering. Maybe take a look at domestic violence stats before starting out with this pathetic, predictable round of "but what about the menz."

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