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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

587 replies

Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:10

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

OP posts:
Reclaimtheoutdoors · 15/02/2023 22:17

So after all the suggestions of maybe the man is worried for his family it seems that was untrue. If he was so worried about the violent partner/ex he would have stayed in the house with his phone at his hand ready to call the police and defend his family if anything kicked off.

Is he really just saying she better be gone, don’t want to get involved etc and not properly elaborating on what his issue is? If he can properly explain his objection to it be may not look as bad as he does now, but right now it seems very petulant, unkind and strange.

Ironically, if he had shown even a grain of compassion and let her in to have a hot drink and help call the police and a hotel that first night, maybe she wouldn’t even be there tonight. He tried to be over controlling and lost control completely.

ElonsMusky · 15/02/2023 22:22

Codlingmoths · 15/02/2023 21:30

Poor you, this is an eye opening view of your dh while you’re being very kind. You will have to assess afterwards. For now perhaps suggest he not come back?

yes, separate from your husband because he doesn't want a stranger and her problems taking up residence is his home. That's totally reasonable. The home belongs to both the OP and the husband. They both have to consent to having a guest. The way you advocate steamrolling him and then calling him unreasonable is absolutely frickin' crazy.

Teaandtoast3 · 15/02/2023 22:29

Actually @ElonsMusky and @ConcordeOoter your view of the situation is in the minority.

All the “poor man” had to do was let her in for a cup of tea and a chat. It could then have been sorted very easily. The fact he has stormed off speaks volumes. His last text to the person he’s supposed to love is shitty in the extreme. He clearly doesn’t care about anyone except himself. He does not come across well. At all. Period.

OP, for a man’s POV I asked my Ex OH what he thought. He also thinks your partner is and I quote “a shit.”

ConcordeOoter · 15/02/2023 22:46

Actually @ElonsMusky and @ConcordeOoter your view of the situation is in the minority

I'm trying to understand different sides, how good people who disagree might reason and feel, and maybe cast it in that light if nobody else is. For me it improves the discussion and makes things interesting.

I would welcome others providing better insight, but most seem to lack the inclination, if not the capacity :(

billy1966 · 15/02/2023 23:12

I think the OP's husband is the absolute exception rather than the rule.

I cannot imagine a single man I know rejecting a woman and child in distress at their door.

I write this because I have known so many to do acts of kindness that may not have suited them 100%, but their core decency informed their decision to do so.

Would they all be delirious with joy at this drama coming to their door at 9pm?, quite likely not, but equally would they say "get rid of them" too?
Absolutely not.

When you read of so many random acts of good samaritan types of people doing things for complete strangers, it makes his complete rejection of his wife's friend and colleague even more inexplicable IMO.

I think he is an aberation.

I think most men would see a vulnerable child of 12 and want to take the chance on helping.

He doesn't have to love the intrusion, but core decency would encourage most to help.

Core decency would not want a child to experience being turned away amidst such stress and confusion, imagining what drama occurred to have brought them to your door in the first place.

The OP is a good woman but she has sadly brought a very poor male specimen into her daughters life.

BadNomad · 15/02/2023 23:19

I think there is likely more to it than him just not being a good person. His reaction and actions are so extreme. Makes me wonder if this is a final straw kind of situation for him. He's chosen this irrational hill to die on. It's strange.

Grizzledstrawberry · 15/02/2023 23:24

ConcordeOoter · 15/02/2023 21:48

This is what I can’t wrap my head around either!

I'm actually surprised anyone would struggle with understanding him leaving. In a fairly short space of time he's discovered he's not an equal partner in the household who must be reasoned with, the protection of his stepchild is not something he has input on ie when the chips are down it's not really anything to do with him, his protection is not wanted, and that his consent in his home is a lower priority than someone who is by all accounts a work acquaintance at best.

Even if he should have chosen another option, been more charitable, the revelations of the evening, would be way out into divorce territory for a lot of people.

Totally agree with you.

I bet if a woman posted that her husband has forcibly let a unknown male sleep on the sofa without her consent and with a child in the house it would be a different story.

Bubblebubblebah · 15/02/2023 23:27

Is she the forst one you are "rescuing" (as pp explained well that that is issue) or is that more regular thing? Would explain the dh's reaction and rescuers keep rescuing lost souls all the time.
I know, I did.

Crutcher · 15/02/2023 23:37

I've said this several pages up, glad to see other posters agreeing. Whatever you think about the situation, bringing in people to stay at your house against the wishes of your spouse is bordering on abusive.

There is not a chance in hell had a woman complained her husband allowed his friends to stay against her explicit wishes, that the be kind brigade from this thread would have praised him and condemned her.

BatsPigeonsRatsSquirrels · 15/02/2023 23:43

Grizzledstrawberry · 15/02/2023 23:24

Totally agree with you.

I bet if a woman posted that her husband has forcibly let a unknown male sleep on the sofa without her consent and with a child in the house it would be a different story.

Show quote history

Well, yes, as an unknown man would be a greater risk.

billy1966 · 15/02/2023 23:55

BatsPigeonsRatsSquirrels · 15/02/2023 23:43

Well, yes, as an unknown man would be a greater risk.

Show quote history

On MN,

A complete stranger, random man = a colleague/friend with a child, at your door.

🙄🤦‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

BatsPigeonsRatsSquirrels · 16/02/2023 00:02

Why are you quoting me?

samqueens · 16/02/2023 00:08

Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 21:40

I’m worried about being honest about how I feel about my DH’s reaction. I thought he was the type of person who would have been more than happy to help someone in that situation but clearly he’s now. I didn’t know he was like this.

OP - just wanted to say I totally sympathise with this, and understand that you’re not putting your H as top priority in the midst of trying to help your colleague. I’m sorry the situation will leave you with so much to process afterwards - and of course you should do that at your own pace.

But please don’t be talked into completely writing off what you’ve felt and seen - his message to you is a real red flag for a controlling mentality.

Also worth mentioning to your friend that the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does he Do That? is (in my view) essential reading for anyone in this situation. It can also be helpful if you want to support someone experiencing DV. (Download on kindle app is easiest).

AnemoneRanunculus · 16/02/2023 00:11

MargaritMargo · 15/02/2023 22:14

OP you sound wonderful and I should only hope to have a friend or colleague as solid as you if I should ever find myself in a desperate situation.

Your DH however sounds awful.

Whatever his reasoning might be, there can be no justification for turning his back so brutally on a vulnerable woman and child stood on his doorstep asking for help.

I would be taking a serious look at this person and asking myself is this who I want to spend my life with? A man who would happily see a vulnerable woman and child turned away?

He didn’t even ATTEMPT to help. If you didn’t have the room or he had concerns the partner would show up etc - well fucking help get them a hotel room. Make her a cup of coffee and call the police.

You had to send her to a coffee shop, after she’d clearly been assaulted or threatened - with her child because he wouldn’t even let her come in and have a fucking cup of tea and a cry.

What a sad, spiteful, mean little man.

Agree.

AnemoneRanunculus · 16/02/2023 00:15

Grizzledstrawberry · 15/02/2023 23:24

Totally agree with you.

I bet if a woman posted that her husband has forcibly let a unknown male sleep on the sofa without her consent and with a child in the house it would be a different story.

Show quote history

Ok, so you'd both send an abused female colleague and child away. Don't bother to pretend otherwise as you wouldn't be defending the husband otherwise. Shameful.

Crutcher · 16/02/2023 00:27

AnemoneRanunculus · 16/02/2023 00:15

Ok, so you'd both send an abused female colleague and child away. Don't bother to pretend otherwise as you wouldn't be defending the husband otherwise. Shameful.

Show quote history

Away where? Into a dessert? A war situation?

We're in a civilised country and there are mechanisms in place for these kind of situations. There are refuges, councils, police and other organisations. It's not as if a you're qualified to deal with the whole situation and b she'll be in danger when you 'send her away' aka direct her to the proper channels.

Riri24 · 16/02/2023 00:32

I'm not sure what your husbands reasoning could possibly be, she is your friend and it sounds like she is in a potentially dangerous situation. It wouldn't be up for discussion for me, he can't stop you helping you friend! It would really make me look at my H differently if he reacted like this.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 16/02/2023 01:04

I didn’t make DH go to his parents house he just said “I’m going to sleep somewhere else then”

He obviously didn't object because he had worries over security then, or he wouldn't have left.

He sounds awful. Lacking in compassion, selfish and childish.

You, however, have been fantastic. I hope your colleague is ok.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 16/02/2023 01:14

if a woman posted that her husband has forcibly let a unknown male sleep on the sofa without her consent and with a child in the house it would be a different story.

It would be a totally different situation.

rainbowstardrops · 16/02/2023 07:05

This all sounds very odd. Why did your colleague choose your door to knock on instead of a closer colleague and why has your DH reacted so adversely to it?
Are they connected do you think?

kateandme · 16/02/2023 07:23

Maybe she came to you as she recognised something in you.because Jesus.your dh gets worse."better be gone" ermm no.no.nope.maybe he has sympathy with a guy threatening his partner.
This DOESN'T need to turn into anything lo g term ffks give her a break she has been there a night.all thise people saying she will be living there next.ugh.
Sounds like she's been a lot more proactive than many fleeing dv manage.and hey 👋 maybe that's because she is supported!

Bubblebubblebah · 16/02/2023 07:24

Crutcher · 15/02/2023 23:37

I've said this several pages up, glad to see other posters agreeing. Whatever you think about the situation, bringing in people to stay at your house against the wishes of your spouse is bordering on abusive.

There is not a chance in hell had a woman complained her husband allowed his friends to stay against her explicit wishes, that the be kind brigade from this thread would have praised him and condemned her.

Wouldn't compare it to man, but if DH's female colleague turned up like this, I am sure it would be the same result you pointed out.

I agree that it's not ok to just get someone to stay when other partner disagrees, especially so vehemently. There is other practical help one can offer including taking them to refuge or hotel or local charity or police station or thousand others.

Instead there is now senior colleague with her own marriage issues, newly , and indefinitely staying guest. I hope op speaks to that hr (if this is real)

Mainlinethehappy · 16/02/2023 07:55

Gh12345 · 15/02/2023 22:08

I think if she’s showed up to someone’s she’s not super close to, says a lot about her situation right now. She sounds desperate and needs somewhere to stay the night. I would let them stay

...and she's now stayed for 2 nights.

picklemewalnuts · 16/02/2023 07:59

There's no 'mechanism' for supporting women and children fleeing DV late at night.

There is if you can afford to pay the rent and find a place at a refuge- but that needs prior planning. I know someone in significant debt from staying in a refuge. Partly due to an error on the benefits side, but she has that debt now.

The various opportunities kick in with prior planning and arrangement. Otherwise it's sleeping in the car.

Mainlinethehappy · 16/02/2023 08:00

OP, this all sounds so odd.
How did this colleague know where you live?
Have you had a relationship with her beyond being just a colleague that would have given her confidence in approaching you? You're senior to her at work - I'd be straight to the police for refuge contacts rather than be considered audacious by asking a senior colleague to take me and DD in.
Something doesn't sound right in why she has zeroed in on you.