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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

587 replies

Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:10

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

OP posts:
WombatsAndGumTrees · 15/02/2023 21:31

OP, I think you are crossing the line from helpful friend to overly involved here. After the first night you could support your friend to connect with a social service that can take over and help her from there. You can support her to go to HR, even go with her, but you shouldn't be doing this for her. Support her to help herself, don't be a rescuer. Rescuing someone rather than helping them to help themselves does not empower them or help them find their strength.

Original poster
Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 21:33

She’s agreed to go to HR as well with me so I’m not just doing it for her.

Re my DH, I’ve not replied to his text yet.

For the poster that asked what she is accusing her DH of. In a nutshell, physical and emotional abuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 21:33

I haven’t made any of the calls for her. She rang women’s aid herself and she made both calls to the police herself. I was next to her but she made those calls.

OP posts:
CrystalCoco · 15/02/2023 21:33

Work colleague aside, what are you thinking about your own DH:

" I’ve just had this text now from my DH: “she better be gone by tomorrow because I’m coming back in the afternoon”. "

Does he often have zero compassion and empathy, or is he just saving it for situations where a woman and her child are in danger and desperately need help.

Big ol' red flag here.

samqueens · 15/02/2023 21:34

ibhavent Read every response but there are clearly so many people commenting who have very little compassion and/or no idea what living with DV/trying to leave an abusive relationship is like. “I’d be getting him out of the house” 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP I’m really glad this woman has come to you, she clearly knew you’d show some compassion and it’s very heartwarming to hear that you have. Nothing unreasonable about talking to her about her other short term options, and hopefully the police will be helpful.

I’m really sorry to say your DH has behaved appallingly. Tbh makes me wonder if she thought you might be sympathetic to her situation because you might relate in some way… Is your DH so incredibly selfish, unfeeling and controlling to you in general? Having a tantrum because a grown woman and her 12 year old are staying for a few nights in an emergency is very extreme. As is telling you “she’d better be gone by then”. Is his word always law?

Thank you for being someone’s lifeline in a crisis, despite the personal cost. But it’s worth wondering whether there should be one…

Original poster
Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 21:35

CrystalCoco · 15/02/2023 21:33

Work colleague aside, what are you thinking about your own DH:

" I’ve just had this text now from my DH: “she better be gone by tomorrow because I’m coming back in the afternoon”. "

Does he often have zero compassion and empathy, or is he just saving it for situations where a woman and her child are in danger and desperately need help.

Big ol' red flag here.

He’s never been perfect if I’m honest. But I really haven’t had much time to think about him yet and evaluate his reaction to this. Part of me is angry and upset because he was just point blank refusing to help her if that makes sense. But I haven’t thought about it properly yet.

OP posts:
Stravaig · 15/02/2023 21:38

When your world has collapsed around you, keeping to some or all of your usual routine is the way some people stay tethered to a sense of sanity and steady ground underfoot. Trying to preserve the familiar rhythms of work or school is not unusual.

ItchyBillco · 15/02/2023 21:40

Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 21:35

He’s never been perfect if I’m honest. But I really haven’t had much time to think about him yet and evaluate his reaction to this. Part of me is angry and upset because he was just point blank refusing to help her if that makes sense. But I haven’t thought about it properly yet.

Show quote history

That poor woman. And her poor daughter. I hope the police take it seriously. And thank god for you, helping her. Your kindness and generosity is lovely.

Your H has shown his true colours and they are murky.

Kick him out, let your friend and her daughter stay for a few weeks until they find somewhere safe if their own.

I’m only partially joking.

Original poster
Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 21:40

I’m worried about being honest about how I feel about my DH’s reaction. I thought he was the type of person who would have been more than happy to help someone in that situation but clearly he’s now. I didn’t know he was like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 21:41

Meant to say: but clearly he’s not

OP posts:
WombatsAndGumTrees · 15/02/2023 21:41

Has he told you why he has reacted so strongly to this?

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 21:41

Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 21:40

I’m worried about being honest about how I feel about my DH’s reaction. I thought he was the type of person who would have been more than happy to help someone in that situation but clearly he’s now. I didn’t know he was like this.

How long have you been together?

ItchyBillco · 15/02/2023 21:42

Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 21:41

Meant to say: but clearly he’s not

No. He’s not a kind or helpful person. He was rude to her from the off, refusing to allow her in.

What’s your situation with him? Who owns the house? Financially how are you set up?

padsi1975 · 15/02/2023 21:47

He sounds so cold. And rude and childish (stomping off to his parents). Whatever about not helping an adult, you'd want to be heartless not to help a child in that situation. You sound very kind.

ConcordeOoter · 15/02/2023 21:48

This is what I can’t wrap my head around either!

I'm actually surprised anyone would struggle with understanding him leaving. In a fairly short space of time he's discovered he's not an equal partner in the household who must be reasoned with, the protection of his stepchild is not something he has input on ie when the chips are down it's not really anything to do with him, his protection is not wanted, and that his consent in his home is a lower priority than someone who is by all accounts a work acquaintance at best.

Even if he should have chosen another option, been more charitable, the revelations of the evening, would be way out into divorce territory for a lot of people.

CrystalCoco · 15/02/2023 21:51

ConcordeOoter · 15/02/2023 21:48

This is what I can’t wrap my head around either!

I'm actually surprised anyone would struggle with understanding him leaving. In a fairly short space of time he's discovered he's not an equal partner in the household who must be reasoned with, the protection of his stepchild is not something he has input on ie when the chips are down it's not really anything to do with him, his protection is not wanted, and that his consent in his home is a lower priority than someone who is by all accounts a work acquaintance at best.

Even if he should have chosen another option, been more charitable, the revelations of the evening, would be way out into divorce territory for a lot of people.

Give over

WombatsAndGumTrees · 15/02/2023 21:51

His reaction does seem very strong so I'm not going to judge him unless I could hear his side of things. I've seen many situations where something sounds like there could be no explanation that would justify what happened, then you hear the other side and it looks entirely different. I'm thinking there's more to this from DH's side than we're seeing.

eyope · 15/02/2023 21:52

Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 21:40

I’m worried about being honest about how I feel about my DH’s reaction. I thought he was the type of person who would have been more than happy to help someone in that situation but clearly he’s now. I didn’t know he was like this.

What reasons did he actually give for not wanting to help? He must have elaborated to you.

Also was he against calling the police last minute, or was that solely your decision? I'm still very confused why you didn't call them last night when it was all happening - rather than send your kids and hers to school today knowing you're in the cross hairs of a potentially abusive and violent man....?

EarringsandLipstick · 15/02/2023 21:53

ConcordeOoter · 15/02/2023 21:48

This is what I can’t wrap my head around either!

I'm actually surprised anyone would struggle with understanding him leaving. In a fairly short space of time he's discovered he's not an equal partner in the household who must be reasoned with, the protection of his stepchild is not something he has input on ie when the chips are down it's not really anything to do with him, his protection is not wanted, and that his consent in his home is a lower priority than someone who is by all accounts a work acquaintance at best.

Even if he should have chosen another option, been more charitable, the revelations of the evening, would be way out into divorce territory for a lot of people.

What a mental response!

ItchyBillco · 15/02/2023 21:56

ConcordeOoter · 15/02/2023 21:48

This is what I can’t wrap my head around either!

I'm actually surprised anyone would struggle with understanding him leaving. In a fairly short space of time he's discovered he's not an equal partner in the household who must be reasoned with, the protection of his stepchild is not something he has input on ie when the chips are down it's not really anything to do with him, his protection is not wanted, and that his consent in his home is a lower priority than someone who is by all accounts a work acquaintance at best.

Even if he should have chosen another option, been more charitable, the revelations of the evening, would be way out into divorce territory for a lot of people.

You are crackers.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/02/2023 22:04

Not really sure what was going through your DH mind, it's very easy to sit back and say he is uncaring, unsympathetic and various other things which he may well be. Maybe he is thinking that he doesn't want to get involved because they will get back together and he doesn't want to be caught in the middle?

Gh12345 · 15/02/2023 22:08

I think if she’s showed up to someone’s she’s not super close to, says a lot about her situation right now. She sounds desperate and needs somewhere to stay the night. I would let them stay

ConcordeOoter · 15/02/2023 22:09

CrystalCoco · 15/02/2023 21:51

Give over

Show quote history

100% sincere. I would probably react differently to OP's DH in the first place so the situation would be a different one, but from the perspective of both OP and DH you would surely be re-assessing the relationship in light of the evening's events.

ConcordeOoter · 15/02/2023 22:12

ItchyBillco · 15/02/2023 21:56

You are crackers.

Show quote history

No, just used to seeing and hearing both sides of an argument. It's not that hard.

MargaritMargo · 15/02/2023 22:14

OP you sound wonderful and I should only hope to have a friend or colleague as solid as you if I should ever find myself in a desperate situation.

Your DH however sounds awful.

Whatever his reasoning might be, there can be no justification for turning his back so brutally on a vulnerable woman and child stood on his doorstep asking for help.

I would be taking a serious look at this person and asking myself is this who I want to spend my life with? A man who would happily see a vulnerable woman and child turned away?

He didn’t even ATTEMPT to help. If you didn’t have the room or he had concerns the partner would show up etc - well fucking help get them a hotel room. Make her a cup of coffee and call the police.

You had to send her to a coffee shop, after she’d clearly been assaulted or threatened - with her child because he wouldn’t even let her come in and have a fucking cup of tea and a cry.

What a sad, spiteful, mean little man.