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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

587 replies

Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:10

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

OP posts:
IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 20:30

Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 20:24

It shouldn’t turn into anything long term. I let her stay again tonight because I’m so concerned about her as she’s clearly very emotional and not ok.

You know this because....

billy1966 · 15/02/2023 20:31

OP, you sound like a very decent person, who is trying to help a friend and colleague.

You are to be commended for it.

YOUR husband is punishing IMO.

Is he very dominant?
Does he like to get his way?
Do you usually do as you are told by him for a quiet life?

Because going AWOL as he has is the most extraordinary over reaction and it is wholly unbelievable that it is in isolation.

You deserve so much better than this, S does your daughter.

Peachy2005 · 15/02/2023 20:35

I would have imagined it would have been quicker to go down to the station and make a report in daytime working hours. I’d be surprised if they send police out to your house, given that there’s no imminent threat…but I know nothing about policing in your area.

billy1966 · 15/02/2023 20:35

Have you approached HR to see can they be of assistance to her?

I think you should talk to her about doing this.

HR departments can and do help staff in difficulty.

Bubblebubblebah · 15/02/2023 20:40

billy1966 · 15/02/2023 20:35

Have you approached HR to see can they be of assistance to her?

I think you should talk to her about doing this.

HR departments can and do help staff in difficulty.

They will also be beneficial to OP in case it goes badly, like it sadly often does, she goes back and then he makes her put grievance in or something because op was the bad guy who tried to break the family and as the women's senior, she should know better.
Hope for the best, cover your back in case of the worst.

ElonsMusky · 15/02/2023 20:40

billy1966 · 15/02/2023 20:31

OP, you sound like a very decent person, who is trying to help a friend and colleague.

You are to be commended for it.

YOUR husband is punishing IMO.

Is he very dominant?
Does he like to get his way?
Do you usually do as you are told by him for a quiet life?

Because going AWOL as he has is the most extraordinary over reaction and it is wholly unbelievable that it is in isolation.

You deserve so much better than this, S does your daughter.

at the end of the day, it's the husband's AND the OP's house. They both have equal say in who gets to crash their. These accusations of him being an asshole/twat/domineering jerk who is "punishing" OP for her "disobedience". Maybe he just doesn't want other people's problems on his doorstep?

I bet none of you would open your doors if your husband's sort of but not really friend/colleague lost his job and was living in his car and needed a place to stay.

Jesus Christ some of you need to get out of the the fucking house lol.

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 20:44

billy1966 · 15/02/2023 20:31

OP, you sound like a very decent person, who is trying to help a friend and colleague.

You are to be commended for it.

YOUR husband is punishing IMO.

Is he very dominant?
Does he like to get his way?
Do you usually do as you are told by him for a quiet life?

Because going AWOL as he has is the most extraordinary over reaction and it is wholly unbelievable that it is in isolation.

You deserve so much better than this, S does your daughter.

So if a colleague from your DHs work decided to stay a couple of nights, without any effort to find alternative accommodation, you'd be happy?

The colleague went to work, sent her child to school with no effort to sort anything today. Just living her life normally?

She needs to act like the responsible adult in this situation.

LadyKenya · 15/02/2023 20:44

Maybe the Husband knows he is better off just getting out of there, and leaving the OP to get on with it. At least he knows that he had told her he was not in agreement with her, if it goes wrong.

Original poster
Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 20:46

Peachy2005 · 15/02/2023 20:35

I would have imagined it would have been quicker to go down to the station and make a report in daytime working hours. I’d be surprised if they send police out to your house, given that there’s no imminent threat…but I know nothing about policing in your area.

I am going to try and get her to go down to the station tomorrow and make a report in person. I’ll happily go with her if she wants. She’s having a shower right now but I’ll speak to her about it after.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 20:47

She did also ring women’s aid today.

OP posts:
IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 20:47

Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 20:47

She did also ring women’s aid today.

What was the result of that then?

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 15/02/2023 20:48

Maybe you should go and join her in a hotel as your husband seems like a right old miserable uncaring twat am sorry to say. Go and meet her and do not let him control you and who you see. That poor woman and child. Help her out however you can and if that was me I would tell my husband to butt out and let the poor woman stay.

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 20:50

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 15/02/2023 20:48

Maybe you should go and join her in a hotel as your husband seems like a right old miserable uncaring twat am sorry to say. Go and meet her and do not let him control you and who you see. That poor woman and child. Help her out however you can and if that was me I would tell my husband to butt out and let the poor woman stay.

The woman is staying, the DH is staying away.

Zola1 · 15/02/2023 20:53

Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 20:46

I am going to try and get her to go down to the station tomorrow and make a report in person. I’ll happily go with her if she wants. She’s having a shower right now but I’ll speak to her about it after.

Show quote history

I imagine Police will probably make an appointment to take a statement and deal with it slow time. She needs to get on to Refuge or to your local version of housing options and sort herself out somewhere to live. She needs to tell them she's homeless with a child, fleeing DV which she has reported to Police, and can't stay another night with you.

Crumpleton · 15/02/2023 20:53

Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 20:29

Does anyone know if it’s likely that the police will come tonight or if it’s likely to be tomorrow? They didn’t specify on the phone to her, she rang them pretty much straight after work.

Did you hear the conversation?

I'm surprised, based on the fact she felt frightened enough to leave home late at night with a child in tow and is still to frightened to return home that the police didn't come out immediately or at the very least pay her DP a visit to see what's going on and inform her of their findings inorder for her to start arrangements to move back home, as she has a child or move forward.

Is the DC her DP?
Is the house theirs as a couple?

Whyisitsososohard · 15/02/2023 20:57

Is your husband always so uncaring? This would put me off somone massively.

Is he normally so domineering? It's his house too. But he seems to be acting like he thinks he's the boss. Also massively off putting.

I mean he really needs to be a bloody prince the rest of the time to redeem himself from this. Just awful behaviour.

You sound really caring, well done for supporting you friend.

Crumpleton · 15/02/2023 21:05

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 20:03

She's totally out of line, what's she done to deal with her situation? She can't just go to work and not deal with it. She's got a child that needs to be housed, she needs to get housing.

She needs to not go to work tomorrow and get her priorities in order.

I'm not sure the police will be coming round at a time convenient to her.

Show quote history

Very odd behaviour.
Hopefully I'm wrong but by the actions of the colleague it seems quite normal for her to rock up at someone's home after an argument with her DP and carry on about her daily life.

If it was me and my DP was abusive my first priority would be getting my DP out of the family home and getting my DC settled and feeling secure in familiar surroundings.

Greenfairydust · 15/02/2023 21:09

Well done OP for helping this woman and her child and I hope she can quickly find a long term place in a refuge where they can both be safe.

Your husband on the other hand has been a complete fool.

Bad enough that he expected to just put them back on the street but having a tantrum and flouncing out of the house like this and causing you additional distress when you were already dealing with a difficult situation is just bizarre. I would really struggle to respect him after that stunt frankly.

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 21:09

@Crumpleton I agree, I cannot imagine dropping her off at school after the trauma of the previous night, then doing a days work!

I'd be in pieces!

eyope · 15/02/2023 21:15

Did you actually hear her make the call to police? DV is normally taken very seriously and officers come out pretty quickly, esp if a child is involved. When I called them on my neighbour's abusive ex, they came out in 15 mins. So why wait till after she's done a full day of work...? I'm amazed if she's this emotional, she was able to go into work rather than deal with this very serious situation first, that impacts her child and your family.

You really need to call the police, and talk to HR pronto - you aren't the right person to be managing her emotional state, her child's schooling, her work, and her potentially abusive ex on your own without professionals getting involved.

Also, what reasons has your DH actually given for not wanting her to stay? I imagine if you had a conversation, he would have elaborated.

My worry would be that the reason she's not calling the police or other services is - they've just had an argument, she wants space from him or to leave him stewing, and you're the easiest option to do it with (as you don't know them well enough to ask questions unlike friends/family). And will go back to him in a few days once things have calmed down. But knows if she just told you she wanted to leave her ex or they'd had an argument - you wouldn't be quite so sympathetic and take her in.

It's what my neighbour did with me.

Call the police - you'll know for certain then what's really going on.

PixieLaLa · 15/02/2023 21:19

Are you sure she’s actually made a report to the police? Seems a bit odd one min being so scared of DH she left home but then sending her child to school the next day. How would she know DH wouldn’t come to pick DC up? Also where did DC go after school till the Mum finished work? This all seems very off…..

Original poster
Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 21:22

I’ve just had this text now from my DH: “she better be gone by tomorrow because I’m coming back in the afternoon”.

Also yes, I was with her when she called the police earlier so I know she did ring them. She’s just rang them again and has been told someone will come out tonight so now we can’t go to bed until they come out.

I’m really worried about her and her DD though, they are clearly not ok.

She’s also agreed to allow me to explain the situation to HR (although she’s asked me not to tell her direct line manager) tomorrow and see what advice/support they can offer.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2023 21:24

What exactly is she accusing him of? Why wasn’t she feeling safe and why did she tell him that?

Original poster
Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 21:25

In work I kept telling her she needs to go home. She was clearly in no fit state to work as she was just so upset, I could see it in her all day. It wasn’t a full days work as she had to leave early to pick up her DD. I only went to work after last night so I was with her to make sure she was ok.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 15/02/2023 21:30

Poor you, this is an eye opening view of your dh while you’re being very kind. You will have to assess afterwards. For now perhaps suggest he not come back?

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