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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

587 replies

Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:10

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

OP posts:
stripedsox · 15/02/2023 15:05

Tbh sounds a bit iffy really, I think that there's more to this than op knows or is telling.

Crumpleton · 15/02/2023 15:10

stripedsox · 15/02/2023 14:49

I don't get packing her stuff either. When I had to make a get away I left with dc in tow and the clothles we stood up in.
There is so much about this that really doesn't make sense but seems to have created some sort of hysteria and almost paranoia in some posters.

Normal MN LTB mentality...

We could find out the OP friend has history of doing this and likes to cause drama between couples.....tisn't unknown.

Mainlinethehappy · 15/02/2023 15:41

@Naunet - you think my caution is because I think a barely known colleague “might be the kind of woman men warn us about”?
I’ve encountered my fair share of free-loading oddities, male and female, without needing a man’s opinion to guide me, thanks!
And a colleague who appeared on my doorstep wanting a place to say with a story light on details wouldn’t be crossing into my house! I absolutely would be looking after my own interests (ie my children) first.

stripedsox · 15/02/2023 16:18

I'm interested to know how op and her colleague friend are getting today. Hopefully things are proactive.

Ourlittleharmonica · 15/02/2023 16:30

Mainlinethehappy · 15/02/2023 12:26

He’s making the point that they have encountered a radical difference of opinion that he’s struggling to metabolise.

Show quote history

It's a tough one, and I don't know what I'd do in that situation. My instinct would be to take the woman in for the night for the child's sake but I probably wouldn't have slept a wink worrying about the partner showing up. Years ago when my DH used to go out drinking with his mates he'd often return home with a mate who was too pissed to drive (we lived near enough the pub) and I would have been irritated, but would have preferred the irritation for one night over hearing someone had been killed walking home or had drink drove.

I just find it really weird that her husband left the house, rather than went off in a sulk or whatever. He clearly felt really really strongly about this for some reason we're not hearing about. I wonder how the woman who turned up feels about it?

niugboo · 15/02/2023 16:46

@Naunet you're ignoring the child that was in the house being exposed to risk by allowing her to stay. If I was the OH I would have left and if it were my child taken them with me.

ElonsMusky · 15/02/2023 17:24

Alargeoneplease89 · 14/02/2023 21:36

Exactly, speaks volumes that she hasn't gone to family or friends because she will be back with him in a few days and the hubby will be looking to batter your DH.

Looking at the replies imaging a role reversal - my husband's not very close work colleague has come crying to the door as he has been kicked outwith his teen, I said no I wouldn't feel safe and I'm being called insensitive- the replies would be alot different.

Show quote history

yeah, I was kind of speaking from experience. I had a terrible ex in college who never hit me or anything but was very emotionally abusive. I went to my brother's place and the ex came looking for me. When my brother told him to fuck off, he attacked my brother. My brother ended up kicking his ass but still got a few lumps out of it. I felt bad for bringing that shit to his house. But he's family. It's so much different when it's a "not very close work colleague". She could have gone to the police, her own family, other actual friends.

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 18:16

Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 08:37

Sorry for the late update. I brought them back to my house last night in the end. DH chose to go to his parents house for the night when I got back with them, I’m hoping he’ll be more reasonable this morning. I didn’t make DH go to his parents house he just said “I’m going to sleep somewhere else then”. Colleague wants to go to work this morning but I’ve told her I don’t think she should, she’s still very upset as well. I’m not her line manager but I am more senior than her. Not heard from DH yet this morning. For context I have a DD as well, she’s not DH’s though she’s from a previous relationship of mine. I didn’t end up discussing the longer term with my colleague last night as i didn’t think 10pm at night was the best time to do so, I was leaving that until this morning.

So where does she propose the 12 year old will go to be looked after? Is it fair on the child to be left today, with all the turmoil going on?

stripedsox · 15/02/2023 19:13

Op isn't coming back it seems.

PinkSyCo · 15/02/2023 19:24

stripedsox · 15/02/2023 19:13

Op isn't coming back it seems.

Inspired by her friend to leave her own rude and selfish prick of a her abandon hopefully. 🤞

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 19:33

Yep @PinkSyCo I bet she's literally knocking on her colleagues door now.... on hang on wait, it's a little too early.

Original poster
Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 19:34

Sorry it’s been a long day, she took her daughter to school this morning in the end, so her daughter spent today in school. She insisted on going to work so I went in to work today as well so I could make sure she was ok. Then after work back at my house she rang the police to report her DH and the situation. She’s still here now. Haven’t heard anything from my DH, I have rang and texted him but nothing. I’ll update properly and in more detail later, just busy at the moment, sorry again for the late update

OP posts:
Christmaspyjamas · 15/02/2023 19:49

I'm terribly sorry you're husband is AWOL...this is a lot for you to be dealing with (and does seem unhelpful and thoughtless of him but perhaps there is a reason).

You've been a very good colleague.

ItchyBillco · 15/02/2023 19:52

Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 19:34

Sorry it’s been a long day, she took her daughter to school this morning in the end, so her daughter spent today in school. She insisted on going to work so I went in to work today as well so I could make sure she was ok. Then after work back at my house she rang the police to report her DH and the situation. She’s still here now. Haven’t heard anything from my DH, I have rang and texted him but nothing. I’ll update properly and in more detail later, just busy at the moment, sorry again for the late update

What the fuck is wrong with your H?

His response is extremely weird. Is he usually a twat?

anxiouspeabrain · 15/02/2023 19:59

It is a strange response from your H.
He is completely devoid of empathy. I can't help but wonder what's behind it... did he witness horrible abuse when he was younger? Does he know the woman's partner at all? It all just seems so strange from him. I couldn't be with someone who would act like that to another human being in such an awful situation

SchoolQuestionnaire · 15/02/2023 20:01

billy1966 · 15/02/2023 09:11

So he preferred to leave you to it.🙄

Leave your home because YOU wouldn't obey him.

Thats a fine waster you have married.

Lovely example of manhood you brought into your daughters life.

I would have a long hard look at your own relationship because there is NO way this behaviour is in isolation.

There is NO way a decent man leaves his wife and her child to go to his parents for the night just because he doesn't agree with her helping a colleague in need.

He certainly wasn't concerned about your safety leaving you alone in the home.

This is about YOUR disobedience.

This is about HIM being a CONTROLLING ARSEHOLE.

That is some waster you married OP.

Protect and be honest with yourself too.

I have to agree with this.

My dh is far more cynical than I am and often tells me that I’m too soft but even he doesn’t have it in him to turn away a woman and child in need. There is a difference between healthy cynicism and downright unkindness.

Your dh didn’t even give this woman a chance to explain, he just turned her away. Worse than that he made his displeasure obvious by fucking off and leaving you to it. She must have felt so guilty and unwelcome which she didn’t need.

You seem really lovely op, I hope you realise that you deserve someone who will trust your judgement and support you unconditionally.

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 20:03

Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 19:34

Sorry it’s been a long day, she took her daughter to school this morning in the end, so her daughter spent today in school. She insisted on going to work so I went in to work today as well so I could make sure she was ok. Then after work back at my house she rang the police to report her DH and the situation. She’s still here now. Haven’t heard anything from my DH, I have rang and texted him but nothing. I’ll update properly and in more detail later, just busy at the moment, sorry again for the late update

She's totally out of line, what's she done to deal with her situation? She can't just go to work and not deal with it. She's got a child that needs to be housed, she needs to get housing.

She needs to not go to work tomorrow and get her priorities in order.

I'm not sure the police will be coming round at a time convenient to her.

Bubblebubblebah · 15/02/2023 20:06

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 20:03

She's totally out of line, what's she done to deal with her situation? She can't just go to work and not deal with it. She's got a child that needs to be housed, she needs to get housing.

She needs to not go to work tomorrow and get her priorities in order.

I'm not sure the police will be coming round at a time convenient to her.

Show quote history

I think DH knew it's not going to be just one night...

PinkSyCo · 15/02/2023 20:06

Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 19:34

Sorry it’s been a long day, she took her daughter to school this morning in the end, so her daughter spent today in school. She insisted on going to work so I went in to work today as well so I could make sure she was ok. Then after work back at my house she rang the police to report her DH and the situation. She’s still here now. Haven’t heard anything from my DH, I have rang and texted him but nothing. I’ll update properly and in more detail later, just busy at the moment, sorry again for the late update

So he is now punishing you for being a decent human being. He really is the gift that keeps on giving isn’t he?

Original poster
Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 20:13

To be fair to her she did say she would look at a hotel for a tonight but I said she could stay here again as she’s clearly still emotional and not ok.

OP posts:
Peachy2005 · 15/02/2023 20:18

Regardless of your DHs behaviour, I really think you need to talk to HR because I’m sure you mentioned that you are senior to her. They may have counselling available DH or this person and they may even have helpful contacts. But also I think you could be leaving yourself vulnerable letting someone you work with who is junior to you move into your house, without checking with them. One night is an emergency, fair enough.

Peachy2005 · 15/02/2023 20:20

Sorry, don’t know why “DH” appeared in the middle of my post, it was supposed to say “for”.

Original poster
Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 20:24

It shouldn’t turn into anything long term. I let her stay again tonight because I’m so concerned about her as she’s clearly very emotional and not ok.

OP posts:
Crumpleton · 15/02/2023 20:26

Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 20:13

To be fair to her she did say she would look at a hotel for a tonight but I said she could stay here again as she’s clearly still emotional and not ok.

OP if her DP is dangerous to the extent that she felt she had to pack all of her/her daughters belongings up and move out she's going to need more than a night or two's help from you.

Surely her poor DC shouldn't be dropped off at school not knowing where she is going to be housed for the foreseeable.

Original poster
Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 20:29

Does anyone know if it’s likely that the police will come tonight or if it’s likely to be tomorrow? They didn’t specify on the phone to her, she rang them pretty much straight after work.

OP posts: