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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

587 replies

Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:10

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

OP posts:
Naunet · 15/02/2023 13:05

Naunet · 15/02/2023 13:05

Men aren’t women, totally different, let’s not play pretend around that fact - men are far more of a risk.

Theres nothing ‘wrong’ with me thank you very much, (what a nasty comment), I would just always want to help protect a child, because no one protected me when I was young and desperately needed an adults help. If it backfires on me, I can live with that, I couldn’t live with leaving a woman and child at risk.

That’s in response to @eyope

747jumbo · 15/02/2023 13:05

In response to people saying I don't care about the character of the people I share my life with - I care that:

  • they put me and our children first
  • they believe our safety is paramount
  • he has a cool head (and does not lack compassion)
  • he remembers when our neighbour did exactly this and all of us in the cul de sac we were terrorised by the violent ex kicking doors at 2am, smashing car windows, and screaming until the police were called
  • that he remembers the effect that on our children
  • that he has an equal say in who comes into our home and has always respected my rights in our home- just as I would now respect his.
  • that he has the sense to evaluate risk and see that professional help is likely to be the best option for us and the woman

Anyway - the people who are not in this position can judge those who are actually dealing with the reality. After all it's MN

Teaandtoast3 · 15/02/2023 13:07

Currently 1364 people have voted and 93% think the OP OH is being unreasonable… because to not even let her in for a cuppa and a conversation he most definitely is.

Lockheart · 15/02/2023 13:08

Naunet · 15/02/2023 13:05

Men aren’t women, totally different, let’s not play pretend around that fact - men are far more of a risk.

Theres nothing ‘wrong’ with me thank you very much, (what a nasty comment), I would just always want to help protect a child, because no one protected me when I was young and desperately needed an adults help. If it backfires on me, I can live with that, I couldn’t live with leaving a woman and child at risk.

Would you say it's just as nasty a comment as implying other posters have no morals and making digs about hoping they never need help?

butterfliedtwo · 15/02/2023 13:10

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

You need to work on your reading comprehension before going off on someone like this.

T1Dmama · 15/02/2023 13:12

Lockheart · 15/02/2023 13:04

Finances, she said if her finances allowed it. You even copy-pasted it.

Show quote history

Goodness! Thanks for pointing that out.

Should’ve gone to spec savers moment!

mottle · 15/02/2023 13:12

Your husband is a prick.

Naunet · 15/02/2023 13:14

Lockheart · 15/02/2023 13:08

Would you say it's just as nasty a comment as implying other posters have no morals and making digs about hoping they never need help?

Show quote history

Where did I do that? I didn’t say anyone didn’t have morals, I said I wouldn’t put them aside to appease a man. And I stand by it, if you wouldn’t help someone in need, don’t ever count on someone helping you. Why do you think you’d be entitled to help when you wouldn’t provide it yourself?

eyope · 15/02/2023 13:22

@Naunet

I think you're massively projecting. No one is suggesting OP shouldn't have helped, but there are sensible ways to help someone while protecting your own family. And DH isn't just some man she's appeasing - he's her husband and she has an equal responsibility to listen and consider his POV and his comfort/safety.

OP also has children of her own and putting them (and your DH) front and centre of someone's possibly violent and dangerous relationship, WITHOUT calling the police is very irresponsible.

Naunet · 15/02/2023 13:25

eyope · 15/02/2023 13:22

@Naunet

I think you're massively projecting. No one is suggesting OP shouldn't have helped, but there are sensible ways to help someone while protecting your own family. And DH isn't just some man she's appeasing - he's her husband and she has an equal responsibility to listen and consider his POV and his comfort/safety.

OP also has children of her own and putting them (and your DH) front and centre of someone's possibly violent and dangerous relationship, WITHOUT calling the police is very irresponsible.

Why do you care so much about what I think?! It’s like you’re personally offended for some reason. I would help, and yes, I’d judge my husband if he refused and I’d judge others for not helping. So what? It doesn’t impact you at all, we’re all different. It’s nothing to do with projection, it’s about trying to be a decent human being.

Im not going to justify my stance on this to you, we disagree, end of.

eyope · 15/02/2023 13:32

Naunet · 15/02/2023 13:25

Why do you care so much about what I think?! It’s like you’re personally offended for some reason. I would help, and yes, I’d judge my husband if he refused and I’d judge others for not helping. So what? It doesn’t impact you at all, we’re all different. It’s nothing to do with projection, it’s about trying to be a decent human being.

Im not going to justify my stance on this to you, we disagree, end of.

Show quote history

Why do you care so much about what I think?! It’s like you’re personally offended for some reason

You initiated commenting on my posts, and I'm just replying to what you've said. That's kind of how internet forums work.

Riverlee · 15/02/2023 13:40

Op - what’s the update today.? Did you find out exactly what has happened, and also what does dh say?

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 13:47

Riverlee · 15/02/2023 13:40

Op - what’s the update today.? Did you find out exactly what has happened, and also what does dh say?

The friend stayed last night and the DH went to his parents.

Pretty magnanimous of him.

anya21 · 15/02/2023 13:48

I am on team husband. I think you are being remarkably naive. You have no idea what kind of trouble you could be bringing to your door. If she is not safe at home, then that is a job for the police, who would contact social services who would not allow them to streets, put them up in emergency accommodation i guess. I mean why did she pick you when you are just a work colleague, she must have friends or family.Why didn't she phone you first, why didnt she call the police? You are inviting an adult you know little about into your the house where your child is sleeping.If that isnt a safeguardingrisk i dont know what is!
On top of that , i is your DH's home! You totally disregarded his opinion.You prioritised a startnger over your partner! It isn't your DH who is the arsehole here!

Crumpleton · 15/02/2023 14:01

She had her bags and stuff in her car.

I find the above statement from OP odd colleague had time to pack her stuff so couldn't have just grabbed car keys and ran out of the house.

I'm not in the 'turn her away camp' but if DH didn't want her to stay id understand but I'd invite her in. No coffee shops in our area are open at that time of night so not an option.

I'd have definitely rang round and found somewhere safe for them to stay the night.

diddl · 15/02/2023 14:09

"She had her bags and stuff in her car.

I find the above statement from OP odd colleague had time to pack her stuff so couldn't have just grabbed car keys and ran out of the house."

It is a bit odd isn't it?

If she didn't feel safe-isn't the advice on here to call the police & have him removed?

Does seem petty of Op's husband to have slept elsewhere.

Not sure it makes him abusive or a prick & all the other insults being bandied about.

Op made her decision & he made his!

LadyKenya · 15/02/2023 14:09

Instead of making this thread asking if her husband was bu, whilst in the middle of the situation going on, the op would have been better off asking how she could help get emergency accommodation for the colleague, and her child.

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 14:15

Crumpleton · 15/02/2023 14:01

She had her bags and stuff in her car.

I find the above statement from OP odd colleague had time to pack her stuff so couldn't have just grabbed car keys and ran out of the house.

I'm not in the 'turn her away camp' but if DH didn't want her to stay id understand but I'd invite her in. No coffee shops in our area are open at that time of night so not an option.

I'd have definitely rang round and found somewhere safe for them to stay the night.

Also she brought her daughter to the door with her? Very emotive to do that, the daughter then had witness being turned away, not pleasant.

She needs to consider what's best to expose her child to or not.

stripedsox · 15/02/2023 14:23

How do you think all this will pan out with your husband in the long run op?
When things calm down and everyone is thinking a bit straighter without the emotional side of the event?
Do you think you will get back on track or has this been a deal breaker?
Some of the vitrol on here has been awful towards him, will that make you look at the situation of your marriage in a different light?
I'm wondering irl how many posters on here would have done what you did, it's all very heroic behind a key board when so many mners won't open their own front door and can't talk to people but give it all barrels on here.
As for your 'coward' husband why the hell should he risk being beaten up or worse?

Crumpleton · 15/02/2023 14:25

Not sure it makes him abusive or a prick & all the other insults being bandied about.

IMO not letting someone stay in your house doesn't make you abusive.
Not really enough information for me to call OP DH that.
For all we know there could be a lot more to the story, we may never know.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 15/02/2023 14:40

If I haven’t misunderstood , the colleague had been ‘kicked out’ because she said she didn’t feel safe. I don’t quite get that, if she didn’t feel safe surely she would have either left of her own accord, or tried to get her partner removed for threatening her.

perhaps OP ‘s husband didn’t want to be accused of assaulting or threatening an strange women who was in his home in a distressed state.

in these circumstances, I think we would have either tried to find her a hotel, or contacted a refuge.

stripedsox · 15/02/2023 14:49

I don't get packing her stuff either. When I had to make a get away I left with dc in tow and the clothles we stood up in.
There is so much about this that really doesn't make sense but seems to have created some sort of hysteria and almost paranoia in some posters.

LadyKenya · 15/02/2023 14:53

Not to mention a lot of vitriol, and name calling of the husband.

diddl · 15/02/2023 14:54

the colleague had been ‘kicked out’ because she said she didn’t feel safe. I don’t quite get that, if she didn’t feel safe surely she would have either left of her own accord, or tried to get her partner removed for threatening her.

Yes-it's a bit like she said she didn't feel safe & he's said to fuck off then as he wasn't going anywhere.

kateandme · 15/02/2023 15:04

billy1966 · 15/02/2023 09:11

So he preferred to leave you to it.🙄

Leave your home because YOU wouldn't obey him.

Thats a fine waster you have married.

Lovely example of manhood you brought into your daughters life.

I would have a long hard look at your own relationship because there is NO way this behaviour is in isolation.

There is NO way a decent man leaves his wife and her child to go to his parents for the night just because he doesn't agree with her helping a colleague in need.

He certainly wasn't concerned about your safety leaving you alone in the home.

This is about YOUR disobedience.

This is about HIM being a CONTROLLING ARSEHOLE.

That is some waster you married OP.

Protect and be honest with yourself too.

Kind of got ne thinking too.
All the people saying it was about bringing violence to the door or problems.well his leaving clearly showed it wasn't that. It doesn't fit.
His whole behaviour is just off.
And after the update just wrong. Because this was about nobody but him.
And I'm finding it so hard to think why,because I can't comprehend how he would be thinking right now to react and turn away.eith it clear now it wasn't about your safety.

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