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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

587 replies

Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:10

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

OP posts:
Crutcher · 15/02/2023 11:35

You can jog on @Cocobutt calling someone a selfish twat because they don't agree that a wife should bring strangers into the house against the wishes of her husband, ie the other owner who has as much say as the wife.

I would say the same in the opposite scenario. Neither spouse has the right to ride roughshod over the other. If either spouse disagrees with a person coming into the house, if you do bring them in that's abusive and nasty.

Naunet · 15/02/2023 11:46

Crutcher · 15/02/2023 10:20

Umm no, bad partner for allowing a stranger into a shared space when the other equal partner disagreed. Neither husbands nor wives have the right to bring other people into the family home against the wishes of the other party.

Show quote history

Fuck that, I will always protect a child that’s at risk rather than bending to a man baby. Shame on you if you’d sell your morals down the river in order to keep a cowardly man.

Cocobutt · 15/02/2023 11:55

You can jog on @Cocobutt calling someone a selfish twat because they don't agree that a wife should bring strangers into the house against the wishes of her husband, ie the other owner who has as much say as the wife.

@Crutcher

Why do you keep saying it was a stranger when it isn’t?

Most people wouldn’t bring a stranger into their home - this isn’t a stranger.

T1Dmama · 15/02/2023 12:09

Crutcher · 15/02/2023 11:35

You can jog on @Cocobutt calling someone a selfish twat because they don't agree that a wife should bring strangers into the house against the wishes of her husband, ie the other owner who has as much say as the wife.

I would say the same in the opposite scenario. Neither spouse has the right to ride roughshod over the other. If either spouse disagrees with a person coming into the house, if you do bring them in that's abusive and nasty.

What would you have done out of interest?

People are accusing you of being selfish because you make it would very much like you would’ve just said no and shut the door in their face!

and this isn’t a stranger, this is a work colleague…. OP has to go into work and see this lady, work with others who will know that she’d slammed the door in the face of a desperate woman and a child…

of course it’s easy for husband as he has no consequence to saying no, he’s never got to see this woman again.

OP was in an impossible position, I couldn’t let someone and a child sleep rough over night in this weather… I’d at least have to find them somewhere else safe. Or call police to help her get access to her belongings. It sounds like she’s been thrown out without her purse, phone, car keys etc. That way she might be able to call her own parents or friendS for help.

T1Dmama · 15/02/2023 12:14

Our of interest
OP, if she was planning on working today, where / who was her daughter going to stay with??

eyope · 15/02/2023 12:15

Cocobutt · 15/02/2023 11:55

You can jog on @Cocobutt calling someone a selfish twat because they don't agree that a wife should bring strangers into the house against the wishes of her husband, ie the other owner who has as much say as the wife.

@Crutcher

Why do you keep saying it was a stranger when it isn’t?

Most people wouldn’t bring a stranger into their home - this isn’t a stranger.

Only thing I'd say, from experience, is that knowing someone from work isn't really knowing them. People can have very very different private lives.

I worked with a woman who seemed lovely and normal, went for lunch with her sometimes. She's in prison now as she had killed her new born baby and buried it in the garden - because she didn't want it and her bf left her. The entire time we worked together, she was a murderer. It was a huge shock. That's an extreme example but some people including women can be involved in all sorts.

Also - this woman hasn't said her partner abuses her. Just that he kicked her out and she feels unsafe. She could be an alcoholic, a druggie, cheated on him etc and that's why he kicked her out. And tbh I wouldn't want my DH in the house with a women I didn't know well enough who was involved in unknown and uncertain drama - she could then accuse DH of assaulting her at home etc. Or her bf could turn on DH (as happened to me when I tried to help a woman once). Stuff like this does happen. And projecting that every woman who shows up at your door is a victim isn't very sensible until you have all the facts. Women can be con artists, and manipulative too - so until all the facts are known it's best to be cautious esp if you have children at home.

Naunet · 15/02/2023 12:22

eyope · 15/02/2023 12:15

Only thing I'd say, from experience, is that knowing someone from work isn't really knowing them. People can have very very different private lives.

I worked with a woman who seemed lovely and normal, went for lunch with her sometimes. She's in prison now as she had killed her new born baby and buried it in the garden - because she didn't want it and her bf left her. The entire time we worked together, she was a murderer. It was a huge shock. That's an extreme example but some people including women can be involved in all sorts.

Also - this woman hasn't said her partner abuses her. Just that he kicked her out and she feels unsafe. She could be an alcoholic, a druggie, cheated on him etc and that's why he kicked her out. And tbh I wouldn't want my DH in the house with a women I didn't know well enough who was involved in unknown and uncertain drama - she could then accuse DH of assaulting her at home etc. Or her bf could turn on DH (as happened to me when I tried to help a woman once). Stuff like this does happen. And projecting that every woman who shows up at your door is a victim isn't very sensible until you have all the facts. Women can be con artists, and manipulative too - so until all the facts are known it's best to be cautious esp if you have children at home.

Show quote history

Ahh we’re going with the age old stereotypes that women are lying, manipulative bitches whose life goal is to destroy good men.
Let’s hope you never need help.

Mainlinethehappy · 15/02/2023 12:23

Naunet · 15/02/2023 12:22

Ahh we’re going with the age old stereotypes that women are lying, manipulative bitches whose life goal is to destroy good men.
Let’s hope you never need help.

Show quote history

But, @Naunet , help is out there! Without a woman having to take the risk of inviting strangers into her home!

Mainlinethehappy · 15/02/2023 12:26

Ourlittleharmonica · 15/02/2023 11:31

Your DH LEFT?! Jesus, OP.
I was giving him the benefit of the doubt last night because I thought he may have been worried about the other bloke turning up but he left TWO women and TWO young girls alone because you let them stay? He's an arsehole.

He’s making the point that they have encountered a radical difference of opinion that he’s struggling to metabolise.

Naunet · 15/02/2023 12:30

Mainlinethehappy · 15/02/2023 12:23

But, @Naunet , help is out there! Without a woman having to take the risk of inviting strangers into her home!

Show quote history

If you want to go through life with a “not my problem” attitude, you do you. I just think it would be pretty disgusting to turn your back on a desperate woman and child because she might be the kind of woman men warn us about, who apparent makes it her life goal to destroy good men, especially in light of recent events.

T1Dmama · 15/02/2023 12:30

@eyope

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore,

Its stated they’re not just colleagues but friends (albeit not close) and that her husband had thrown her out for saying she didn’t feel safe WITH HIM.

wombat1a · 15/02/2023 12:32

Absolutely with you DH here, best thing you can do is try to get her into a hotel.

We've done similar in the past and the H has managed to turn up nearly every time and its always my poor DH who had to stand guard on the door and get abuse. Will only ever do this again in a total emergency.

eyope · 15/02/2023 12:33

@Naunet

What's wrong with you? Being cautious before you jump to let someone you hardly know into your life is sensible. Especially when you have children. Their safety comes above everyone else. If this was a man asking for help, of course you'd ask all the facts before making a decision. Just because she's a woman, doesn't mean all common sense goes out the door.

And if I needed help, I wouldn't want to get a colleague I vaguely know involved, who has kids, without giving them all the details. She's been kicked out of the house - so he's letting her leave and go wherever she wants. Means she isn't in imminent danger of him tracking her down as he's asked her to leave.

So OP wanting to get all the facts about what exactly is happening before she opens the doors is an entirely sensible precaution.

Crutcher · 15/02/2023 12:37

@T1Dmama

I don't know what I would have done. Perhaps if my finances allowed it if have helped her find a cheap b&b for the night. I might have made some calls. At the very least I'd have driven her to the police station.

Nobody is saying you have to slam the door in her face. What I'm saying is that no one has the right, and it's actually immoral, to bring in someone else into the home when their spouse doesn't allow it.

This is such a basic concept, I'm struggling to understand what went on in the OP's head. It's a shared space. Meaning you don't own it (all). It (also) belongs to someone else. You can't help one person by being immoral and robbing another.

Are you the type to steal from corner shops to feed the homeless person outside?

How much more so in this case when the other person is your spouse who should come before all others. It just beggars belief.

Cocobutt · 15/02/2023 12:40

Only thing I'd say, from experience, is that knowing someone from work isn't really knowing them. People can have very very different private lives.

But her DH wasn’t worried about their safety or anything, else he wouldn’t have left OP to go and stay somewhere else.

DH wasn’t concerned about this.
If he was he would have said so and not left OP and her child alone.

Whatever reason DH didn’t want to get involved, it definitely wasn’t because he was worried this woman or her DH would cause a safety issue.

eyope · 15/02/2023 12:41

T1Dmama · 15/02/2023 12:30

@eyope

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore,

Its stated they’re not just colleagues but friends (albeit not close) and that her husband had thrown her out for saying she didn’t feel safe WITH HIM.

Work friend isn't the same as real life friends though is it. You don't normally have HR policies on your relationships with people outside work.. If you've never met or been to someone's life outside work, what do you really know about them? We don't know if OP has ever met the bf or daughter or been to their house?

And again, she's said she doesn't feel safe with him and he's kicked her out. Why doesn't she feel safe? What has happened? Is he dangerous or at risk of turning violent with OP? Why doesn't she have the money to go to a hotel while she figures it out? These are details I would share with whoever I was asking for help - its pretty basic info for OP to ask.

Teaandtoast3 · 15/02/2023 12:47

This so what I struggle with:

  1. The OH wouldn’t even let the friend into the house. If he hadn’t been so ridiculous she could have just come in and they could have all chatted and decided on the best course of action without all the faffing around.
  2. He obviously doesn’t trust his partners judgement. My Ex Husband would still trust my judgement and I his.
  3. If it’s not about judgement then his actions must be about control… and because he couldn’t control the situation he got the arse.
  4. I would never have left my Ex Husband alone in this situation, and neither would he. I don’t even have to ask. I know he wouldn’t.

A lot of posters on this thread keep banging on about this person being a stranger. She isn’t a stranger to the OP. She is a work colleague who is also a friend.

I get that he might not have wanted her to stay. Fair enough. But they could have sorted something out if he had just let them in like a normal person… but he didn’t act like a normal person did he? He just said no I’m not getting involved, send her away and I don’t think you should get involved either. Then when the OP said no she’s my friend I want to help in some way… he left. Nice.

Teaandtoast3 · 15/02/2023 12:50

OP I hope you are okay. For what it’s worth I think you’ve been a really good friend for someone who didn’t feel safe in her situation. I would have done the same. I’m sorry your OH has acted this way. Big conversation needed I think.

Cocobutt · 15/02/2023 12:52

Work friend isn't the same as real life friends though is it. You don't normally have HR policies on your relationships with people outside work.. If you've never met or been to someone's life outside work, what do you really know about them? We don't know if OP has ever met the bf or daughter or been to their house?

And again, she's said she doesn't feel safe with him and he's kicked her out. Why doesn't she feel safe? What has happened? Is he dangerous or at risk of turning violent with OP? Why doesn't she have the money to go to a hotel while she figures it out? These are details I would share with whoever I was asking for help - its pretty basic info for OP to ask.

OP has said they are friends, just not close ones.

They are good enough friends to know where OP lives - I wouldn’t know what house most of my colleagues live in.

As posters have said when they have had to flee, they literally leave with the clothes on their backs - there’s not always time to get money or a credit card etc or even your phone which is maybe why she didn’t ring OP ahead of time and why she probably hadn’t rang the police or anyone else.

Your main concern is getting out of the house and I wouldn’t be questioning a scared mother and child at 9pm about why they didn’t think to pack a bag or bring their purse.

And if there is a chance that he’d turn violent with OP then why has her DH gone and left her alone in the house whilst he slept somewhere else!

Cocobutt · 15/02/2023 12:53

I get that he might not have wanted her to stay. Fair enough. But they could have sorted something out if he had just let them in like a normal person

I agree.

At the very least you would let your friend in and give them a cup of tea whilst you chat to DH and try and find them a hotel or refuge for the night if they couldn’t stay.

T1Dmama · 15/02/2023 12:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Teaandtoast3 · 15/02/2023 13:00

@Cocobutt with a conversation he might have even felt more reassured to let her stay 🤷‍♀️ but his reaction is just so extreme that it doesn’t make sense.

eyope · 15/02/2023 13:03

Cocobutt · 15/02/2023 12:52

Work friend isn't the same as real life friends though is it. You don't normally have HR policies on your relationships with people outside work.. If you've never met or been to someone's life outside work, what do you really know about them? We don't know if OP has ever met the bf or daughter or been to their house?

And again, she's said she doesn't feel safe with him and he's kicked her out. Why doesn't she feel safe? What has happened? Is he dangerous or at risk of turning violent with OP? Why doesn't she have the money to go to a hotel while she figures it out? These are details I would share with whoever I was asking for help - its pretty basic info for OP to ask.

OP has said they are friends, just not close ones.

They are good enough friends to know where OP lives - I wouldn’t know what house most of my colleagues live in.

As posters have said when they have had to flee, they literally leave with the clothes on their backs - there’s not always time to get money or a credit card etc or even your phone which is maybe why she didn’t ring OP ahead of time and why she probably hadn’t rang the police or anyone else.

Your main concern is getting out of the house and I wouldn’t be questioning a scared mother and child at 9pm about why they didn’t think to pack a bag or bring their purse.

And if there is a chance that he’d turn violent with OP then why has her DH gone and left her alone in the house whilst he slept somewhere else!

Because the ex isn't likely to turn violent on another woman like OP, far more likely to turn violent on the other man present. If I was helping someone, I wouldn't want my DH to be any situation involving a violent man. I'd call the police - I'm baffled why this hasn't been done tbh. My DP is a police officer and thinks OP should have called the police immediately as domestic abuse can escalate and civilians shouldn't try to resolve it on their own.

Lockheart · 15/02/2023 13:04

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Finances, she said if her finances allowed it. You even copy-pasted it.

Naunet · 15/02/2023 13:05

Men aren’t women, totally different, let’s not play pretend around that fact - men are far more of a risk.

Theres nothing ‘wrong’ with me thank you very much, (what a nasty comment), I would just always want to help protect a child, because no one protected me when I was young and desperately needed an adults help. If it backfires on me, I can live with that, I couldn’t live with leaving a woman and child at risk.