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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

587 replies

Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:10

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

OP posts:
Naunet · 15/02/2023 10:02

Crutcher · 15/02/2023 09:52

I'm shocked that the OP has so little regard for her husband that she would put the needs and likes of a stranger over her life partner's.

We're not talking in a post-apocalyptic war situation, where turning someone away from the door would spell death. This happened in a civilised country where there are mechanisms in place for these situations. If the woman really had nowhere to go and was fearful for her safety, she could have just turned up at a police station.

This complete disregard of your husband's feelings, and riding roughshod over his decisions, shows callousness bordering on abusive. This is just as much his house as the OP's, how dare you bring in someone with half the ownership forbids it?

If it would have been a man allowing his friend to stay overnight even though his wife was adamantly against it, causing her to be so uncomfortable as to leave, everyone here would have been up in arms bashing the husband calling him abusive. Rightfully so. Well now the shoe's on the other foot.

Oh yeah, bad woman, not submitting to her cowardly husbands demands over protecting a child 🙄

billy1966 · 15/02/2023 10:08

Naunet · 15/02/2023 10:02

Oh yeah, bad woman, not submitting to her cowardly husbands demands over protecting a child 🙄

Show quote history

Agreed.

I'm NEVER shocked at the level of support awful men get on this site.

OP has a controlling arsehole for a husband who ran home to mummy because he didn't get his way.

What an arsehole.

He couldn't care less about her safety, just about him not being the controlling boss of the house.

I'd be absolutely mortified to have foisted such an pathetic excuse of a man on my daughter 🙄.

Cherrysoup · 15/02/2023 10:10

Why was your Dh so determined she couldn’t stay? Was he worried her Dh would come round? I don’t understand.

Dutch1e · 15/02/2023 10:10

2023usernameNew · 15/02/2023 09:15

Is her financial situation very dire despite having a job?

I found it odd that you gave her money for a coffee.

I walked out, bleeding, into the freezing rain one night with the (minimal) clothes on my back, a toddler, one spare cloth nappy, and 20 cents in my pocket. It was all I had access to despite having a job.

Not saying that OPs colleague is in a similar situation, just saying this it's a common and plausible scenario.

Cocobutt · 15/02/2023 10:13

Well done OP.

There are obviously some posters who have no idea what it’s like being in a violent relationship and being fearful of your child’s safety.
I hope they are never in that situation.

You cannot call the police just ‘in case’ your partner attacks you or your child - it doesn’t work like that and the police couldn’t do anything about and if they did turn up just to have a chat then it could make him angrier or he’d make out like she was crazy as he hadn’t hurt her, then she’d hesitate to call them in the future.

Outsiders often can’t tell the signs of a violent partner but the OP would have seen the subtle signs and know something bad is about to happen - and in that moment she does what any good mother would do and get her child out so they’re not hurt.

At 9pm at night it would have been very difficult to sort anything out and cafes/restaurants will start to close and she’s not going to want to ring around lots of refuges in the middle of a busy restaurant anyway.
I would not want to be dragging my child around the streets at night.

I’m so glad you let them stay for the night.

She now needs to spend today sorting everything out.
She needs to ring a woman’s refuge and woman’s aid and they can give her all of the information.
If her ex assaulted her or her DD physically or sexually last night then she needs to ring the police too.

ButterflyOil · 15/02/2023 10:17

If he left he obviously wasn’t too worried about the husband showing up and causing a scene or worse. Sounds like he was simply annoyed that he would be put out in some way by having unexpected guests and a difficult situation emotionally. At the end of the day that sounds pretty heartless to me and lacking in compassion. Is he normally like that?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 15/02/2023 10:18

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/02/2023 00:03

People are saying they'd completely reconsider their relationships if their husband said the woman couldn't sleep there. Really??? You'd split up your own family, lose your home, damage your own kids for someone you know nothing about??? We all know that's not true.

@747jumbo, you're right. I wouldn't split up my family for someone I know nothing about. Or for a work colleague. Or even for a close friend.

However, in this situation, I would absolutely re-evaluate my relationship. Not for the poor vulnerable woman who he had turned away without a second thought - it would make no difference to her in any case. But because the situation would realise that he wasn't the man I thought I had married and because it would become painfully clear that his morals and values were not aligned with mine.

Do you not care about the character of the person you share your life with?

Yeah, this 100%.

ItsCalledAConversation · 15/02/2023 10:18

Wow your husband sounds awful, what is wrong with him? What possible reason does he have for his heartlessness, is he usually this uncaring?

ShimmeringShirts · 15/02/2023 10:19

I’d bin your DH, I couldn’t be with someone so cruel and heartless. What an absolute wanker. I hope your friend and her child are ok and find someone willing to help and support them.

ItsCalledAConversation · 15/02/2023 10:19

And yes if my DH reacted like this to seeing a vulnerable woman in need I would reassess my entire relationship with him and our children. I don’t want my daughter raised by a man who’s going to see abuse and choose to look the other way.

Crutcher · 15/02/2023 10:20

Naunet · 15/02/2023 10:02

Oh yeah, bad woman, not submitting to her cowardly husbands demands over protecting a child 🙄

Show quote history

Umm no, bad partner for allowing a stranger into a shared space when the other equal partner disagreed. Neither husbands nor wives have the right to bring other people into the family home against the wishes of the other party.

2023usernameNew · 15/02/2023 10:21

@Dutch1e , I’m sorry to hear that and I hope you’re in a much better place now.

I was asking about her financial situation in order to determine what her short/medium term plans might be, although I realise how desperate she must have been to turn up at the OP’s house asking for help.

Pixiedust1234 · 15/02/2023 10:32

Thanks for the update OP. Your colleague needs to spend the day contacting womensaid, refuge, your local council etc. If she has a joint bank account she needs to get her own and get her wages diverted to it. Some banks offer domestic violence accounts for women who flee the home so ask around.

I could vaguely understand your DHs reticence for staying overnight but my god, not even allowing them in for a cup of tea while she thinks things through such as searching for the cheapest hotel room??? That is cruel and nasty.

As for him stropping off to sleep at his parents house...personally I would tell him to stay there. I would not be able to look at him the same way anymore.

Schnooze · 15/02/2023 10:36

Take them to a refuge today.

SleeplessInEngland · 15/02/2023 10:38

Waaay more context is needed. Why is he suddenly so against someone staying the night? Presumably he doesn't know her husband? Is he simply scared the husband will come over? Does he have form for putting his foot down over weird things?

Poppy44 · 15/02/2023 10:41

Is something going off between your DH and this colleague of yours?

She obviously lives close enough to come to your house. I just can't fathom why a grown man would leave his house because a woman in need with her child turned up.....

I can understand someone saying - really should we be getting involved, what if this fella turns up etc but to actually leave and stay at his parents....something is very wrong here.

Cocobutt · 15/02/2023 10:51

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Cocobutt · 15/02/2023 10:55

I can understand someone saying - really should we be getting involved, what if this fella turns up etc but to actually leave and stay at his parents....something is very wrong here.

This is what I can’t wrap my head around either!

OP says they have the space, so it’s not like they’ll have to give them their bed or anything.

I get worrying about not wanting to be involved or it being a long term thing but then you’d discuss and agree that it would just be one night until she can sort something else out in the morning.

As a PP said he can’t be worried about the DH turning up as surely he wouldn’t have left the house.

Ponoka7 · 15/02/2023 11:04

I'd be questioning him about his attitude towards DV and the victims. This is why women couldn't leave in the past, there was nowhere to go. People didn't want to get involved. They thought that it was shameful to admit what was going on in the life of even acquaintances, let alone family. It was considered shameful if you had to have the police out because of a violent man. It kept judgement and blame away from the perpetrator and kept vulnerable women and children living in misery and fear.

stripedsox · 15/02/2023 11:06

I'm really hoping that your colleague gets herself properly sorted out and that there is no kick back from this for you and your family op.
I've been in a violent marriage prior with young dc - before anyone piles on - but my ex harassed and was generally been a pain in the arse to anyone who helped me.
I'm with your dh on this. Police would have been my first port of call for help last night.

DissidentDaughter · 15/02/2023 11:13

Well done OP for stepping up and taking the lead, offering them sanctuary. It is what it is - vulnerable mum and daughter ejected from the safety of their home late at night. You’re not responsible for your DH’s (over)reaction to the situation - he’ll live.

Local social services dept should be able to signpost to DV/women’s services so the mum can connect with support for next steps, and you can hand over the responsibility. As for potential comeback from her partner - most DHs should be able to take another bloke’s nonsense in their stride. Otherwise, call the police.

You did the right thing. Good luck.

T1Dmama · 15/02/2023 11:14

Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 08:44

I do worry about my colleague longer term though, as in if she’ll be ok. I don’t have any experience of it so don’t know how long it takes for her to get a place in a refuge or anywhere?

She needs to call the police today. 101 and explain she’s a victim of DA & has a daughter. They will advise her on local refuges. She needs to say she works and staff at the refuge will assess her suitability.
As for you husband…. Maybe he thinks if she’s accusing her husband of abuse she might accuse him of something, so he’s removed that risk. Definitely a discussion to be had…

Goodread1 · 15/02/2023 11:28

Hi Op

Of course you should meet up with her,

Why do you have to have a talk with your husband about doing this then?

You Can talk to whoever you like,

It's not husband business really.

It starting to sound as if you could potentially be in "iffy" , something off type of relationship in which he is a controlling/manipulative one too

There's other ways you can help this woman too, starting by meeting up with a ☕️ coffee and a catch up at a cafe

You could give her useful tel numbers contacts address/emails of beneficial charities organisations that will help her,

You could even vist one or two charties/organisations with her if you got a bit/Some spare time ?

I can understand your husband reservations too,

As he is obviously very worried it could come back to bite him /both of you on the arse,

If you do decide for her to stay over, obviously only do it for minimum temporarily period at most,

And pro actively help her to stand on her two feet whatever that will be,

Obviously you can't do everything for her, as she will become too dependent on you not good for you or her,

It's essentially supporting her to see what help is are available out there, (so she can help herself re gain lost cofindence in herself

Ourlittleharmonica · 15/02/2023 11:31

Your DH LEFT?! Jesus, OP.
I was giving him the benefit of the doubt last night because I thought he may have been worried about the other bloke turning up but he left TWO women and TWO young girls alone because you let them stay? He's an arsehole.

Crutcher · 15/02/2023 11:33

You can jog on @Cocobutt calling someone a selfish twat because they don't agree that a wife should bring strangers into the house against the wishes of her husband, ie the other owner who has as much say as the wife.

I would say the same in the opposite scenario. Neither spouse has the right to ride roughshod over the other. If either spouse disagrees with a person coming into the house, if you do bring them in that's abusive and nasty.