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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

587 replies

Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:10

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

OP posts:
Bubblebubblebah · 15/02/2023 09:12

clpsmum · 15/02/2023 09:09

This. He is your husband not your master

Show quote history

Well and she is not his master.

I think people are going bit overboard here.
2 adults live there and both have a say.
Just because it's woman writing this doesn't mean the other person living there has no say or they are abusive.
If someone doesn't want someone in a house, they are allowed to say no.

billy1966 · 15/02/2023 09:13

Naunet · 15/02/2023 09:05

Exactly, so glad I didn’t marry a cowardly man who would rather put a child in danger than take a very small chance in being hit. I’d risk being hit by a man to protect a child, so damn right I’d expect my husband to.

Show quote history

He couldn't care less about the OP and her daughter and their safety.

This is about his control of the OP.

Pure and simple.

2023usernameNew · 15/02/2023 09:15

Is her financial situation very dire despite having a job?

I found it odd that you gave her money for a coffee.

Figgygal · 15/02/2023 09:16

Well you know what sort of man your husband is now
What a way to behave - shame on him.
Hope your colleague gets something sorted

Twawmyarse2 · 15/02/2023 09:19

Wow. I can't believe a human would treat another human in distress like this.

Is he usually so devoid of any iota of kindness or compassion?

niugboo · 15/02/2023 09:23

To my surprise I actually agree with your husband. Placing yourself and your child at potential risk is something I wouldn’t do. I would have helped find a hotel. Taken her to the police station. Established further facts. Her OH also cannot just kick her out and if there is a safety risk then you get the police involved and him removed.

Emotionalsupportviper · 15/02/2023 09:25

billy1966 · 15/02/2023 09:11

So he preferred to leave you to it.🙄

Leave your home because YOU wouldn't obey him.

Thats a fine waster you have married.

Lovely example of manhood you brought into your daughters life.

I would have a long hard look at your own relationship because there is NO way this behaviour is in isolation.

There is NO way a decent man leaves his wife and her child to go to his parents for the night just because he doesn't agree with her helping a colleague in need.

He certainly wasn't concerned about your safety leaving you alone in the home.

This is about YOUR disobedience.

This is about HIM being a CONTROLLING ARSEHOLE.

That is some waster you married OP.

Protect and be honest with yourself too.

@billy1966 is spot on!

He has behaved in a childish and emotionally manipulative way. If my DH did this I would seriously be wondering about the man I had married.

And if he really and truly thought there might be a danger, then he should have stopped with you to make sure YOU were ok, even if he wasn't worried about this woman and her child. He either doesn't care or knows there isn't anything to worry about.

This woman must have been desperate to call on an acquaintance rather than a friend or family - perhaps, as a PP has suggested her husband has isolated her from friends and family.

There is no reason why her husband should turn up at your house - your aren't "friends" i the intimate sense of the term - you know each other from work, that's all - and this may be why she chose you, so that no-one could accidentally betray her presence. She must be in an awful state, poor woman, and so must her DD.

I'm so glad that you were able to keep her safe overnight. As others have pointed out, though, you may have to make it clear, in writing, that she can't stay with you even another night or the council won't do anything to re-home them.

I don't envy you, though, having your eyes opened to this new side of your DH.

Emotionalsupportviper · 15/02/2023 09:26

niugboo · 15/02/2023 09:23

To my surprise I actually agree with your husband. Placing yourself and your child at potential risk is something I wouldn’t do. I would have helped find a hotel. Taken her to the police station. Established further facts. Her OH also cannot just kick her out and if there is a safety risk then you get the police involved and him removed.

Her OH also cannot just kick her out

Oh, you sweet summer child!

Are you really this naive?

Mainlinethehappy · 15/02/2023 09:27

I don’t thing DH is an abusive coward. I think he’s looking after his ‘castle’ and has a keen eye to how situations like this could become exploitative. How did colleague know the address? She had no friends or family she could go to? Like DH I would be extremely wary, and I would hope that my DH would be, too. I can understand that he’d feel massively annoyed that his parter and fellow team-player had invited 2 virtual strangers into his home.

VictorStrand · 15/02/2023 09:27

OP says she is a friend - just not a close friend. She must be a friend to know where OP lives. It's not as though colleagues are handed a list of addresses.

Peachy2005 · 15/02/2023 09:28

My DH wouldn’t want strangers staying either - it’s a weird personality trait that I’m used to at this point. In fact, he’s not great having friends or family to stay either. When put on the spot he has turned away people we actually know who’ve phoned looking to camp on our floor. He’d prefer to pay to put them up somewhere. Some people are just odd. I’m not excusing it but some people do have this hang-up.

Just make sure you set out very firm limits on them staying in your house and you probably need to get some advice from HR at your workplace to cover yourself. Maybe they have an emergency fund for employees in this situation... You really don’t know the backstory. I’ve been burned before with a mum I barely know asking for her daughter to stay the night (of course I said yes) then telling me the police could turn up. Then saying her ex could turn up. I didn’t sleep a wink!! Then later she asked if I could be the supervising adult for a visit with the Dad??!! I had to extricate myself pdq.

Anyway, good luck.

LadyKenya · 15/02/2023 09:28

Helping her for one night may not be enough though, and then what? She goes back to a potentially dangerous situation with her dd. Your husband was not wrong imo to say no. You may have been better off calling the Police for advice. You have your own dd to think about. The husband could have followed her, for all you know.

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 09:29

daisychain01 · 15/02/2023 08:25

I'm not so sure this is a figment of the imagination.

the work colleague and the DH are known to each other more than the OP realises, and has been kicked out because the colleague's partner has found out about their relationship.

where does the colleague head.... to the DHs house.

maybe this isn't the case, but it isn't that crazy and answers the question why the colleague chose the OPs house (when the OP isn't actually a friend, more like an acquaintance) rather than choosing an actual friend or relative.

Show quote history

Jesus some people........... poor DH

Dreamstate · 15/02/2023 09:31

I would of compromised and said okay she can't stay here but lets help her find a hotel. Unless she doesn't have access to any money but very little is known about this.

niugboo · 15/02/2023 09:32

@Emotionalsupportviper legally he cannot. Which is why you involve the police.

and no I’m not naive. Which is precisely why I wouldn’t have allowed them to stay.

Mainlinethehappy · 15/02/2023 09:32

@Emotionalsupportviper
She must be in an awful state, poor woman, and so must her DD.
We have been told very, very little about this woman. Not all women are genuine victims and I’d be absolutely 100% be recommending caution here.
kicked out and on the streets, helpless with a DD? It just doesn’t ring true - and if it is, which it might well be, then it’s a police matter who can offer contacts and support.

DonnaBanana · 15/02/2023 09:34

Sorry to say but if the shoe were on the other foot (say a female colleague of my DH who I didn’t know turned up) I wouldn’t want them to stay either as I wouldn’t know them and nor would my kids! I would help them find some accommodations though.

Mainlinethehappy · 15/02/2023 09:38

@Peachy2005
you probably need to get some advice from HR at your workplace to cover yourself.
⬆️ Absolutely this. You are in a very vulnerable position now, in so many ways.
The gullibility and naivety of posters on this threat piling on your DH is frightening.

ItsaMetalBand · 15/02/2023 09:45

Years ago I fled to my sisters house in the middle of the night. Only her flatmate was there, someone I had only met a few times previously. He couldn't have been kinder to me. I ran with nothing - my phone had been smashed hours earlier so I couldn't call anyone, I had no coat, cash and had been thrown out in winter and the door locked. I didn't even have shoes, just slippers.

He and the other flatmate escorted me back in the morning and ensured I was safe at home before leaving reluctantly.

Even now, decades on, I'm getting emotional thinking about how he opened the door to someone he barely knew and how they helped. Seeing their shock and disgust aimed at my ex and what he did was the very beginning of the brainwashing falling away - up until that point I thought all relationships were that abusive. And slowly the scales began to fall.

I think that I would be viewing DH extremely differently if he did what your H did.

Inkpotlover · 15/02/2023 09:45

Wow, what an insensitive and uncaring arsehole your H is. I would never look at mine the same way again for refusing to let a vulnerable woman and her DD12 stay for one night and then stropping off to sleep elsewhere because you dared to overrule him. What hateful behaviour.

Lockheart · 15/02/2023 09:47

Mainlinethehappy · 15/02/2023 09:38

@Peachy2005
you probably need to get some advice from HR at your workplace to cover yourself.
⬆️ Absolutely this. You are in a very vulnerable position now, in so many ways.
The gullibility and naivety of posters on this threat piling on your DH is frightening.

This is a good point, I hadn't considered the HR angle. OP please do speak to them urgently this morning.

Pirateships · 15/02/2023 09:49

LadyKenya · 15/02/2023 09:28

Helping her for one night may not be enough though, and then what? She goes back to a potentially dangerous situation with her dd. Your husband was not wrong imo to say no. You may have been better off calling the Police for advice. You have your own dd to think about. The husband could have followed her, for all you know.

I agree with this actually, one night to escape immediate danger sure, but what's the plan? Is she going to day she has somewhere to stay? If she's not an overly close friend is she asking others too? It is a horrible situation and absolutely the primary focus should be on their safety, but it's not as simple as one night and everything's sorted happy days. I don't think he's unreasonable to have reservations or feel uncomfortable about strangers in his home.

Crutcher · 15/02/2023 09:52

I'm shocked that the OP has so little regard for her husband that she would put the needs and likes of a stranger over her life partner's.

We're not talking in a post-apocalyptic war situation, where turning someone away from the door would spell death. This happened in a civilised country where there are mechanisms in place for these situations. If the woman really had nowhere to go and was fearful for her safety, she could have just turned up at a police station.

This complete disregard of your husband's feelings, and riding roughshod over his decisions, shows callousness bordering on abusive. This is just as much his house as the OP's, how dare you bring in someone with half the ownership forbids it?

If it would have been a man allowing his friend to stay overnight even though his wife was adamantly against it, causing her to be so uncomfortable as to leave, everyone here would have been up in arms bashing the husband calling him abusive. Rightfully so. Well now the shoe's on the other foot.

Bellaboo01 · 15/02/2023 09:53

Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:10

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

WOW - What a horrible man you are married to.

butterfliedtwo · 15/02/2023 09:59

Crutcher · 15/02/2023 09:52

I'm shocked that the OP has so little regard for her husband that she would put the needs and likes of a stranger over her life partner's.

We're not talking in a post-apocalyptic war situation, where turning someone away from the door would spell death. This happened in a civilised country where there are mechanisms in place for these situations. If the woman really had nowhere to go and was fearful for her safety, she could have just turned up at a police station.

This complete disregard of your husband's feelings, and riding roughshod over his decisions, shows callousness bordering on abusive. This is just as much his house as the OP's, how dare you bring in someone with half the ownership forbids it?

If it would have been a man allowing his friend to stay overnight even though his wife was adamantly against it, causing her to be so uncomfortable as to leave, everyone here would have been up in arms bashing the husband calling him abusive. Rightfully so. Well now the shoe's on the other foot.

Yeah.

Agree you need to speak to HR, I mean unless you're just going to let her stay indefinitely.

How are your children feeling in this? As a child my father leaving like that and strangers in my home instead would have upset me.