Mum gone ballistic!

[Pandermonium]

So my daughter just had her 11th birthday, she asked to have her hair cut (was down to her bum, but getting dry and ratty).
In town so decided to let her do it, she chose a style and had it cut below her shoulder. It looks beautiful and she's really happy with it.
Her grandmother saw it (my mum) and blew her top. Saying she didn't want it cut and made my daughter cry.
I told her she was out of order, it's not her hair and not her decision.
She has now blocked me.
So who's being unreasonable?

YABU: you went against the grandmothers wishes, shouldn't have allowed her to cut her hair.
YANBU: your daughter, your choice.

@Pandermonium Is your Mum particularly old fashioned? My Mum was taught that you didn't cut your hair until marriage. (We are Jewish though and hair takes on a different meaning after marriage, so don't know if that is just an 'us' thing) My mum got very emotional taking my sister to get hers cut after the wedding. May be your mum has realised DD is becoming a 'girl' rather than a little child and she overeacted?

I wouldn't even bother proving your point to her. Your mum is out of order. Shes not the parent and doesn't get a say in how your daughter has her hair styled. If your mum wants to cut all contact then let her do so. If she thinks you're going to back down she will start dictating everything that goes on with your kids. Cut her off she sounds toxic

My mother has some form for similar - she doesn’t do change well at all, although she would never shout or make someone feel bad.

When I was a child she was quite strict about keeping my hair long and never being adventurous in any way about anything, always keeping me ‘safe’.
She was a bit funny about my ds getting his hair cut when he was little, like ‘oh no, his lovely hair’, but grew out of this as he became a teenager.

Your mum was well out of order to act like that, but sounds like she has control issues or struggles with change. Also sounds like it’s a pattern - never too late to tackle that with her.

Maybe stop grandma having contact if she is that controlling . Honestly she cannot be a good influence if she behaves that way and wants control of something so personal . You truly need to oversee their relationship to make sure she is not damaging your daughter

It's your daughter's choice, not yours- its her hairand she has to wear it so should be able to chose the style. But your mum is being outrageously bonkers.

Another voice adding to the masses that she is batshit and abusive. Take the opportunity of her blocking you and go NC to protect your daughter. Make sure your daughter knows this was an unacceptable reaction and her body her choice.

Its hard cutting a parent out, only you know if this is the straw that broke the camels back. But I cut my dad out and it was the best thing I ever did. He drained me, over years he broke me, and getting shot I felt free. Its a line no-one should have to cross but it would be a cold day in Hell when someone makes my baby upset...

Did you miss where the daughter was only 11?

The decision to cut your daughter's hair was between you and your daughter. You both discussed it like adults. This is rare and precious.

You wouldn't accept your dd throwing a tantrum, so why take it from an old woman who should know how to behave by now? If you don't stand up to her now she'll only get worse. It may not get better but you need to set boundaries and enforce them

I went to the hairdresser with my gran at about the same age as your daughter, for a trim. I had very long thick hair, I came back with a chin length under cut bob (nineties). I insisted, my gran asked a few times if I was sure and even it seemed I was let me get on with it

My own mother didn't even go ballistic. Even though it was a nightmare as my hair is thick and as I grew to realise curly, not just wavy, so short was more work than longer, it also looked like a thatched roof (pre GHD days). She smiled said it was a bold choice and helped as best she could with taming it. Which for a child of that age is the right response from a parent.
It has absolutely nothing to do with grandmother!

I voted YANBU, but actually it is your daughter's choice, not yours.

I was at high school aged 11 - pretty sure my mother wasn't deciding what I did with my hair!!!!

For some reason some grandparents think they hold the right to overall decisions over grandchildren.... my mum babysits for me regularly and we live with her but she never tells me what to do with my own children. Your venting which is fine, but deep down you know she’s in the wrong and shouldn’t need to ask. If she’s blocked you that’s on her, you wait for her to come to you.

This kind of thing is exactly why I am NC with my not so D M. I couldn’t allow her to fuck my kinds up. Do what you have to do-my life is so much easier now.

Kids not kinds!

Same here.

My paternal grandmother destroyed my confidence ("I don't know how you're so ugly - the rest of us are good-looking") among many other spiteful, vindictive and very damaging acts designed to pitt every member of the family against each other so that she could control everything.

She's been dead 20-odd years and it still hurt me and I still loathe everything about her.

Worst was, my DM and DF were so scared of her they didn't do a thing to protect me, my siblings or themselves.

She was bliddy EVIL.

No? I don't think it's up to anyone other than the owner of the hair to decide on style @NewNovember - what age is acceptable to you?

She has now blocked me

This is so fucking weird. I'd never heard of family members blocking each other until I read MN, where it's apparently a total normal response to even the slightest annoyance.

As the OP was presumably paying for the haircut she gets to say yes or no in my book!

Do you mean an 11 year old gets no say in how their hair is done? I think at 11 they are well old enough to have an opinion.

She blocked you! Is she 13? You’ve got a toxic mother problem there on so many levels.

We'll have to agree to disagree. My parents never dictated my hairstyle and I've never done so with my own dc.