Mum gone ballistic!

[Pandermonium]

So my daughter just had her 11th birthday, she asked to have her hair cut (was down to her bum, but getting dry and ratty).
In town so decided to let her do it, she chose a style and had it cut below her shoulder. It looks beautiful and she's really happy with it.
Her grandmother saw it (my mum) and blew her top. Saying she didn't want it cut and made my daughter cry.
I told her she was out of order, it's not her hair and not her decision.
She has now blocked me.
So who's being unreasonable?

YABU: you went against the grandmothers wishes, shouldn't have allowed her to cut her hair.
YANBU: your daughter, your choice.

She sounds like a dick.

Of course it is concerning (and completely out of order) for your mum to think this behaviour is acceptable.

But what is more concerning is how you want to show her this thread ‘to prove’ that her behaviour is unacceptable.

You do not need to do that.

You do not speak to her until she apologises to you for her awful behaviour.

You do not need to show that her behaviour was unacceptable - she needs to figure it out for herself.

It may take a long time but make sure you don’t back down.

My mum is also controlling/manipulative and has pulled similar stunts too and you’ll find the manipulative behaviour ramps up if she thinks you’re putting your foot down.

How petty and shallow of your mum.

OP your Mother will probably NEVER accept she is wrong about anything.

She was abusive to you growing up (extreme control is abuse) now she is doing it to your child.

Stop her NOW. Drop the rope, you will never win an argument.

Protect your child from her, please.

You need to find your spine. Your mother does not get to behave this way towards you or to your DC. Time to tell her calmly and firmly that the way she behaved was unacceptable, that it will not be tolerated and that if she ever speaks to you or your DC like that again, you will immediately leave. And then do it. People like her need consequences.

It's your daughter's hair she is being ridiculous. She's 11 and won't want to rely on mum to do it for her. She wants to be able to look after it herself.

It's your daughter's choice. It's not even yours OP.

I'd ignore the daft bugger and enjoy the peace and she owes an apology.

This can’t be the first time she’s exhibited such controlling behaviour, I’m guessing there’s a huge backstory to this. Glad you’re daughter’s pleased with her hair.

Apart from Crystal Gayle, I've always thought bum length hair looks awful, anyway.

The whole trope of 'long hair = feminine' needs to get in the fucking bin. It's 2023, not 1823.

Your mum blocked you??

At 11 your daughter is old enough to know her own mind. If she'd had it cropped that would be fine as well. If she regretted it that would be OK as it would grow again. Don't understand her grandmother's point of view, as a grandmother I don't interfere but I was relieved for GD when her mum finally let her get her hair cut, it was so liberating for her no more screaming when it was brushed, far less fuss washing it. What's not to like.

The way to keep the upper hand is to insist on an apology. She calls you and you say “dd was upset about your reaction to her hair, I think you owe her an apology”. She will come up with all sort of crap and it’s for you to steer it onto”we’re talking about your reaction to dd’s hair and her deserving an apology from you”. Don’t acknowledge what she’s talking about at all. She’s looking to engage you and right fight. Either she will hang up or you end the call. Say something like “oh well, if you don’t want to talk about apologising to dd, we have no more to say one another. I will speak to you another time. Bye”.

This thread won't change her mind.

Anyone who believes they have the right to tell an 11yo how to style their hair is T going to change.

Especially when that person is the grandparent.

She needs to look up what self regulation means. For goodness sakes what a horrible thing to do in front of her grand-daughter. She should be ashamed of herself, I don't care how much of a shock it may have been - it's not her hair and she behaved badly. Obviously she is BU.

Thank you. This is not the first time (would be a huge backstory but I think I need therapy for that not mumsnet 😅)
I won't be backing down. In fact right now I do not wish to ever speak with her again.
Unfortunately if I don't see her I cannot see my dad either (she also controls him).

Thank you. I will do this.

Obviously she is utterly batshit but all this adults blocking and blocking back. Really?

I reckon you need therapy AND Mumsnet 😉

YANBU: your daughter, her choice.

You don’t own your daughters hair any more than her grandmother does.

@Pandermonium yes definitely. Your daughter does not need that in her life and I think you have put up with enough over the years, you need a breák from it too. You will find that once you have removed yourself from her behaviour you will feel like a weight has been lifted x

To be honest, your daughter is 11 so her choice really. 🤷‍♀️ And it’s never grandma’s decision. And I’m a grandma!

Do not inflict your abusers on your kids. Your father sat back and allowed the woman to abuse you, so he’s of zero loss.
Start therapy, go on the Stately Homes thread in the relationship section. If you must have contact with either of those people, look up FOG, DARVO and grey rock.
Yes, it’s shit having abusers for parents, but don’t continue the trauma by making your kids be around them.

This.

This woman is an emotionally abusive fool.

Just play it cool until she wants something. People like this always do. Then expect an apology, don't ask for one.

On point.

What an awful woman! Your DD will probably have anxiety over her hair like I do

My mum always criticises my hair even when SHE cut it. And I hate hate hate getting hair cuts and the anxiety about what she'll say and I'm now 37!!

Awful!