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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum gone ballistic!

172 replies

Pandermonium · 14/02/2023 18:26

So my daughter just had her 11th birthday, she asked to have her hair cut (was down to her bum, but getting dry and ratty).
In town so decided to let her do it, she chose a style and had it cut below her shoulder. It looks beautiful and she's really happy with it.
Her grandmother saw it (my mum) and blew her top. Saying she didn't want it cut and made my daughter cry.
I told her she was out of order, it's not her hair and not her decision.
She has now blocked me.
So who's being unreasonable?

YABU: you went against the grandmothers wishes, shouldn't have allowed her to cut her hair.
YANBU: your daughter, your choice.

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 14/02/2023 18:36

Daughters choice nothing to do with grandmother

Sugarfree23 · 14/02/2023 18:38

Your mother can grow her own if she wants bum length hair.

Personally I think really long hair looks like hard work and doesn't look particularly good.

Original poster
Pandermonium · 14/02/2023 18:38

Testina · 14/02/2023 18:33

Why are you even asking?
Is it because you wanted the traffic of AIBU?

I'm asking because althoughI know the answer, my mother does not accept she is ever in the wrong.
So should we ever have contact again (and as I said that may not happen) I want to show her I am not alone in believing her behaviour is out of order.

OP posts:
Mumof2amazingasdkiddos · 14/02/2023 18:41

The only slight issue I have with your post is the wording on the yanbu, your child yes but at 11 it's her choice. Not yours not the grandparents. Yes as the parent you should steer her away from anything extreme or which really wouldn't suit her but at her age it should be her choice how she has her hair cut. You are NOT being unreasonable of course you're not and the grandparent is batshit crazy for thinking she has any rights over this! Please put her out of your mind and spend the evening with your child doing makeup/nails/face mask etc because with hair that gorgeous she's worth it and she doesn't deserve to be upset because her Nanna is nuts

Daleksatemyshed · 14/02/2023 18:42

Sorry @Pandermonium but she still won't believe you, if she's that hellbent that she's in the right she'll just change tack and say you did it deliberately to upset her. The only way to win with people like your DM is not to care what she thinks

EyesOnThePies · 14/02/2023 18:42

I think you need to work out what’s possible now.

If normal contact is to be resumed your Mum needs to apologise to your Dd.

I wouldn’t be attempting to contact your Mum. At all. If she makes contact be civil but tell her there is unfinished business and she needs to apologise to your Dd so that you can all move forwards.

But if she is a constant toxic force in your life, and likely to be so for your Dd, then this might be the final straw to go very low contact. Or no contact. Only you can know.

holierthanthou73 · 14/02/2023 18:42

And you needed to post a thread to ask smh

mbosnz · 14/02/2023 18:43

She is completely out of order, and she can wind her bloody neck in. It's nowt to do with her.

ChrisPPancake · 14/02/2023 18:44

I voted YANBU @Pandermonium because your mum's clearly batshit, but actually I don't agree with "your daughter, your choice" either. Should be nobody's choice but your dd's.

Dragonsandcats · 14/02/2023 18:45

also option 3, your daughter’s choice. Your mum is outrageous, none of her business.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/02/2023 18:45

"I told her she was out of order, it's not her hair and not her decision.
She has now blocked me."
Block her back. Then when she unblocks you she'll get a clue that she's not in charge of your or your daughter's life.

Funkyslippers · 14/02/2023 18:45

Firstly did you know that was her 'wishes'? Not that it really matters. She sounds unhinged and there's probably a backstory to this

OhDeniseReally · 14/02/2023 18:47

You must have had a hard time when you were a child with behaviour like that from your mum. Was she like that with you too or has her behaviour worsened over time? Either way Flowers for you x

FlissyPaps · 14/02/2023 18:49

Does she try and dictate what clothes your daughter wears and what she eats too?

Original poster
Pandermonium · 14/02/2023 18:49

Mumof2amazingasdkiddos · 14/02/2023 18:41

The only slight issue I have with your post is the wording on the yanbu, your child yes but at 11 it's her choice. Not yours not the grandparents. Yes as the parent you should steer her away from anything extreme or which really wouldn't suit her but at her age it should be her choice how she has her hair cut. You are NOT being unreasonable of course you're not and the grandparent is batshit crazy for thinking she has any rights over this! Please put her out of your mind and spend the evening with your child doing makeup/nails/face mask etc because with hair that gorgeous she's worth it and she doesn't deserve to be upset because her Nanna is nuts

I absolutely agree. Dd body so it's her choice. The reason I put my choice, is so my mum cannot use it being dd choice as a way to further upset her.
If I say it's my choice then she can only scream at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pandermonium · 14/02/2023 18:50

OhDeniseReally · 14/02/2023 18:47

You must have had a hard time when you were a child with behaviour like that from your mum. Was she like that with you too or has her behaviour worsened over time? Either way Flowers for you x

Believe it or not she was worse with me.

OP posts:
MrsRandom123 · 14/02/2023 18:50

is this a serious post? You know YANBU if your daughter wanted it & likes it thats all that matters & you were happy for her to get it so it’s nothing to do with your mum who is out of order.

last year just before her 12th birthday my daughter (who had wannted short hair for ages) cut hers. She wanted a bob & they advised going below shoulders which was longer than she wanted or a bit above the “in between” length she wanted as it would flick out. She went quite a bit shorter than i wanted but its he hair & she suited it. It’s now a bit longer & getting to the “flicky out” stage and she doesn’t like it and wants to grow it now 🙄 again her choice

LakeTiticaca · 14/02/2023 18:51

It will grow back, if your daughter wants it to!!
It will now be in much better condition and far more manageable.
Your mother should wind her neck in 😡

rainbowtwist · 14/02/2023 18:53

Believe it or not she was worse with me.

Make this the last time.

takealettermsjones · 14/02/2023 18:53

PennyFarthings · 14/02/2023 18:28

I'll go with option 3. Nothing to do with either of you, her hair, her choice.

This.

Jifmicroliquid · 14/02/2023 18:56

If your mother isn’t adult enough to conceal her own emotions to spare the feelings of her own granddaughter, on her birthday aswell, then perhaps she isnt emotionally stable enough to be a grandmother.
When she finally unblocks you I would tell her in no uncertain terms that her behaviour was childish and potentially damaging to your daughter and if she ever behaves in that way again, that will be the last she will be seeing of her.

dapsnotplimsolls · 14/02/2023 18:56

What other mad shit has she done?

mamabear715 · 14/02/2023 18:57

Hopefully your mum will run it past her friends (if she has any!) & expect them to be just as horrified that she wasn't consulted, which obviously isn't going to happen.. until then, & an apology, I'd just leave her blocked.

winningeasy · 14/02/2023 18:59

She sounds deranged and very narcissistic

Mariposista · 14/02/2023 19:01

The only one who can choose is your daughter- it’s her hair. Bum length straggly hair looks horrible anyway, I bet she looks lovely and smart now.